THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Percy: The Spindly legged Savior"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
27 total reviews
Comment from Walter L. Jones
The skill set holds me the captive, and adds to my enjoyment, lost in words forcing me to dewl but a moment on my own transformation, ah the writer cas me again and I smile as the story moves along Walt
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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The skill set holds me the captive, and adds to my enjoyment, lost in words forcing me to dewl but a moment on my own transformation, ah the writer cas me again and I smile as the story moves along Walt
Comment Written 24-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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Little Percy. He was a joy to write about. Thanks for enjoying him and this chapter. Bless you for the six.
Comment from Kareau
The combination of short and long sentences really add to the chaos of his narcotic state. The paragraph that starts with "It settled for a time...." truly is a good description of a fly. Good writing which I'm sure you already know. I did not see any punctuation mistakes, that's about the only thing I can offer writers right now as I'm so new to writing. Great job!
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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The combination of short and long sentences really add to the chaos of his narcotic state. The paragraph that starts with "It settled for a time...." truly is a good description of a fly. Good writing which I'm sure you already know. I did not see any punctuation mistakes, that's about the only thing I can offer writers right now as I'm so new to writing. Great job!
Comment Written 18-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Kareau, someone who can pack so much into so few words about what you saw in this chapter is not new to writing. You may be new to writing here, but not to the craft. Thank you so very much to contributing to this--and certainly for the 6-star level of your enjoyment.
Comment from XGoneX
Hi,
these are my thoughts from this chapter as I don't know the story. I liked very much the language, descriptions and imagery in it. I could feel the confusion and troubled emotions in General Doctrex.
Whether he was seeing the fly and creatures or it was a result of the effect of narcotics, we'll see I suppose. But I had the impression he was kind of drugged.
Good chapter.
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Hi,
these are my thoughts from this chapter as I don't know the story. I liked very much the language, descriptions and imagery in it. I could feel the confusion and troubled emotions in General Doctrex.
Whether he was seeing the fly and creatures or it was a result of the effect of narcotics, we'll see I suppose. But I had the impression he was kind of drugged.
Good chapter.
Comment Written 18-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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I'm so happy you stopped by to read this chapter, Jade. Yes, no matter how I try to give the feel for the past chapters with a summary and the last paragraphs ... this is the last book of a trilogy and Doctrex has grown in the minds of the readers. I'm just glad to have you aboard. Maybe something in them will resonate with you.
Comment from krprice
Check the punctuation throughout this for consistency. And Beware of using semi-colons.
Try to avoid using saw, felt, heard, and smelled.
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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Check the punctuation throughout this for consistency. And Beware of using semi-colons.
Try to avoid using saw, felt, heard, and smelled.
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 18-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 18-Aug-2015
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I know my comma use is not great, but what's wrong with semi-colons. They have their use. Thanks, Karlene, for reading and enjoying the chapter.
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Personally, I have no problem with semi-colons, but my first editor with Keith Publications (a copy editor) told me to use them sparingly.
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I never really thought I abused them, but I'll check them out and see. When's another post coming out?
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Nothing will be coming out until after the first of the year. I've got a SF adventure outlines and am presently editing/revising an older book.
Karlene
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hello Jsy,
Delighted to see that Doc is back. (Did you manage to salvage the files? Or did they have to be re-written?)
Poor man - the drug-induced nightmares are very vivid, realistically recreated by your words.
Good stuff, sir!
Sonali :)
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Hello Jsy,
Delighted to see that Doc is back. (Did you manage to salvage the files? Or did they have to be re-written?)
Poor man - the drug-induced nightmares are very vivid, realistically recreated by your words.
Good stuff, sir!
Sonali :)
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Well, I was a child of the 50's and 60's, Sonali. Whatever mind they left me with there are some memories attached to it. Thanks for reading. I'm so happy you enjoyed it. Oh, and, no I couldn't recover. And I can't get the same flavor as the original. Not worse, just different--and harder to tap into. That's why the chapters have been so infrequent. I have three new ones written, just requiring fine-tuning. I'll be posting them about a week apart, sandwiched by other stuff.
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I feel for you, Jay. I can't imagine having to re-write from memory.
Oh, by the way, the new profile name is a play on my first and last names. No, nothing to hide. Just like being invisible.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay, I really like the general and this story. I thought the battle against a chemical, a very internal struggle, was portrayed with creative twist, and multiple times, though I was lulled to the same false sense of things not being a huge threat, the magnitude of the threat was represented again, through Jed, and the shock or recognizing sleep. I had to go with four stars 'cause I think I hit my threshold on there are more than a few sentences that need to be reworked/ rechecked, a few typos to edit out, but not because this wasn't enjoyable. I love science fiction and the fact that I believed the General in his comradeary(and eventual betrayal) with a fly.
I shook my head against the threat of a force behind my eyes, drawing me back to the strangely inviting cocoon in which I wanted more than anything to curl up.
(paused, I think this sentence needs a recheck, might be a dangling modifier, or modifier confusion.)
I sucked in as much oxygen as the tight binding around my ribcage would allow[,] and let out the spent breath.
(delete this comma: I did this and that.)
I locked my heavy-lidded eyes on this portly pest[,] as I fought against the slumber that was trying to reclaim me. (delete this comma because I did this as that happened.)
(Good slow transition to life from a haze of mental and physical confusion.)
ferocious movement I saw. It was the torchlight playing on their surfaces, he (had?) told me ... that and the effect of the narcotic on my judgment.
At this point there was nothing better to concentrate on than this(the?) fly.
(the fly is so far away, we know which fly, but this fly, just a thought, either way)
I supposed(figured?)(just because of the I supposed to go to the store trip I took because of the multiuse of the word) to assess its options. Gingerly, I brought
trek toward its target's head.
(very good details on the fly and it's motion, and considering I didn't tune out completely at the excitement of a fly walking, I think you did well on the descriptions. I also liked the use of external visuals to internal contemplations that might not necessarily have relation, but with a little imagination, you get there.
I [began to mold](mentally molded?) recognizable shapes from the green clouds
(began to = wordy and I wasn't sure it value added, maybe clarification that he's not physically molding the shapes)
Garvin's words rolled through my mind as (if?) on a reel, "We must keep Jed
I refocused on the fly which had lowered his lazy lenses fully on me now, and appeared [to be] amused by my entertainment. (This sentence I paused on. I tried reading it out loud. I think it could be fixed for flow. Is this the fly, a clarification of which fly (restricted modifier) or more of an interrupt of what the fly is doing at the moment(unrestricted modifier). I refocused on the fly, which now had his lowered, lazy lenses fully on me and appeared amused by my activities? I refocused on the fly that had lowered his lazy lenses on me and appeared amused by my activities? .... Hmmm, guess I'm saying this sentence I couldn't sort out. When I read it out loud... I stopped at 'fully' each time.
appeared to be amused by my [entertainment](activities?).
(Odd phrasing... my entertainment... as in,... the activities the fly found entertaining or he found his own activities entertaining?)
It trained its lenses on me in a challenging way.
(challenging as in threatening, or challenging as in difficult to achieve? I paused on challenging, couldn't pinpoint. I paused here)
stubbly-cheeked face[,] staring back with a bewildered look.
(recheck on if this is a restricted or unrestricted modifier ... think in terms of the structure it's comparable to: The cat batted back the ball, bouncing with pretty colors. See how the ball bouncing with pretty colors is restricted to the ball and the comma kind of makes it the cat bouncing. That's what I think is happening in your more complicated sentence above. The face is staring back, so I think the comma needs to go.)
I continued to stare at it [wondrously](in wonder?), until with a tossing back of its
(is it remarkable that he is able to stare? or is he in awe of this fly? I think you have the wrong word. Dictionary example of the word in a sentence: Here are five wondrously accomplished new collections to read during National Short Story Month. A replacer-like word would be remarkably.)
I murmured through a grin[,] as I isolated a mountain from the clouds[,]?or [and]? watched it slowly elongate, flatten out and the end of it break off, and curl up to become a kitten. (I had some trouble with this sentence so I'm going to rewrite it and let you figure if that's what you meant: I murmured through a grin as I isolated a mountain from the clouds and watched it slowly elongate, flatten out and break off at the end, and then curl up to become a kitten.)?
the creature-crawling ceiling back to me.
(I had a feeling at some point we were going back to the ceiling images, I liked how the fly was utilized, and that it took a moment to relate the changing forms to the ceiling again, but once he did, his reaction was potent.)
Percy had violated me.
(A surprising turn, how will he ever trust another fly again... but I wondered if Percy had violated him or betrayed him...
creatures, Percy? Why? You know they're waiting for me to sleep(.) "
(just plain missing a period... I'm pretty stressed today, but I still found myself emotional with this poor drugged up, tripping and trying not to sleep general... I'm kind of still thinking of the doctor's violation, or my perception of it, in giving the general something that could put him into a permanent comma. That feels kind of violating. Projected onto a poor fly, who's just happens looking up.)
I blinked again and reluctantly looked back at him.
(this sort of irrational and emotional battle within him,... it kind of also makes me think of the state of people coming out of oral surgeries too... where they are staring at their sister in horror, crying because they love the color blue, and confessing that the doctor brushed their boob on them and they feel dirty, and then comes the yelling and paranoia( the doctor did it on purpose). The emotional instability and confusion is very believable as I was taken through it. An interesting way to have a battle)
His warriors were the creatures on the ceiling who were waiting to attack me directly as soon as I acknowledged them, or after I surrendered to their commander. (I paused here again trying to work through if this was a restricted or unrestricted modifier. His friends were the girls who wore red shoes. (meaning all girls who wore read shoes were his friends) His friends were the girls on the corner, who were waiting for the music to the start. (meaning the girls on the corner are his friends, and they happen to be waiting for music) Eh. Could go either way, as all the creatures on the ceiling exist to kill him, and all the creatures on the ceiling, happen to want to kill him in his perception.
I breathed dry, hot air, rapid and feathery (rapidly? I don't know how to imaging feathery, I'm not sure if you mean the air, or the breathing. I paused on this)
"I ... too ... am a general[.](,)"
(this should be a comma, not a period)
a gasp that sent Percy circling above, before he dropped back to me, as (if)? on a piece of decaying carrion. (paused here, but I'm not sure there is anything wrong. as on == the same as? I've not seen it this way before, there's no relating action..., as if landing on a piece of decaying carrion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
 |
Hi Jay, I really like the general and this story. I thought the battle against a chemical, a very internal struggle, was portrayed with creative twist, and multiple times, though I was lulled to the same false sense of things not being a huge threat, the magnitude of the threat was represented again, through Jed, and the shock or recognizing sleep. I had to go with four stars 'cause I think I hit my threshold on there are more than a few sentences that need to be reworked/ rechecked, a few typos to edit out, but not because this wasn't enjoyable. I love science fiction and the fact that I believed the General in his comradeary(and eventual betrayal) with a fly.
I shook my head against the threat of a force behind my eyes, drawing me back to the strangely inviting cocoon in which I wanted more than anything to curl up.
(paused, I think this sentence needs a recheck, might be a dangling modifier, or modifier confusion.)
I sucked in as much oxygen as the tight binding around my ribcage would allow[,] and let out the spent breath.
(delete this comma: I did this and that.)
I locked my heavy-lidded eyes on this portly pest[,] as I fought against the slumber that was trying to reclaim me. (delete this comma because I did this as that happened.)
(Good slow transition to life from a haze of mental and physical confusion.)
ferocious movement I saw. It was the torchlight playing on their surfaces, he (had?) told me ... that and the effect of the narcotic on my judgment.
At this point there was nothing better to concentrate on than this(the?) fly.
(the fly is so far away, we know which fly, but this fly, just a thought, either way)
I supposed(figured?)(just because of the I supposed to go to the store trip I took because of the multiuse of the word) to assess its options. Gingerly, I brought
trek toward its target's head.
(very good details on the fly and it's motion, and considering I didn't tune out completely at the excitement of a fly walking, I think you did well on the descriptions. I also liked the use of external visuals to internal contemplations that might not necessarily have relation, but with a little imagination, you get there.
I [began to mold](mentally molded?) recognizable shapes from the green clouds
(began to = wordy and I wasn't sure it value added, maybe clarification that he's not physically molding the shapes)
Garvin's words rolled through my mind as (if?) on a reel, "We must keep Jed
I refocused on the fly which had lowered his lazy lenses fully on me now, and appeared [to be] amused by my entertainment. (This sentence I paused on. I tried reading it out loud. I think it could be fixed for flow. Is this the fly, a clarification of which fly (restricted modifier) or more of an interrupt of what the fly is doing at the moment(unrestricted modifier). I refocused on the fly, which now had his lowered, lazy lenses fully on me and appeared amused by my activities? I refocused on the fly that had lowered his lazy lenses on me and appeared amused by my activities? .... Hmmm, guess I'm saying this sentence I couldn't sort out. When I read it out loud... I stopped at 'fully' each time.
appeared to be amused by my [entertainment](activities?).
(Odd phrasing... my entertainment... as in,... the activities the fly found entertaining or he found his own activities entertaining?)
It trained its lenses on me in a challenging way.
(challenging as in threatening, or challenging as in difficult to achieve? I paused on challenging, couldn't pinpoint. I paused here)
stubbly-cheeked face[,] staring back with a bewildered look.
(recheck on if this is a restricted or unrestricted modifier ... think in terms of the structure it's comparable to: The cat batted back the ball, bouncing with pretty colors. See how the ball bouncing with pretty colors is restricted to the ball and the comma kind of makes it the cat bouncing. That's what I think is happening in your more complicated sentence above. The face is staring back, so I think the comma needs to go.)
I continued to stare at it [wondrously](in wonder?), until with a tossing back of its
(is it remarkable that he is able to stare? or is he in awe of this fly? I think you have the wrong word. Dictionary example of the word in a sentence: Here are five wondrously accomplished new collections to read during National Short Story Month. A replacer-like word would be remarkably.)
I murmured through a grin[,] as I isolated a mountain from the clouds[,]?or [and]? watched it slowly elongate, flatten out and the end of it break off, and curl up to become a kitten. (I had some trouble with this sentence so I'm going to rewrite it and let you figure if that's what you meant: I murmured through a grin as I isolated a mountain from the clouds and watched it slowly elongate, flatten out and break off at the end, and then curl up to become a kitten.)?
the creature-crawling ceiling back to me.
(I had a feeling at some point we were going back to the ceiling images, I liked how the fly was utilized, and that it took a moment to relate the changing forms to the ceiling again, but once he did, his reaction was potent.)
Percy had violated me.
(A surprising turn, how will he ever trust another fly again... but I wondered if Percy had violated him or betrayed him...
creatures, Percy? Why? You know they're waiting for me to sleep(.) "
(just plain missing a period... I'm pretty stressed today, but I still found myself emotional with this poor drugged up, tripping and trying not to sleep general... I'm kind of still thinking of the doctor's violation, or my perception of it, in giving the general something that could put him into a permanent comma. That feels kind of violating. Projected onto a poor fly, who's just happens looking up.)
I blinked again and reluctantly looked back at him.
(this sort of irrational and emotional battle within him,... it kind of also makes me think of the state of people coming out of oral surgeries too... where they are staring at their sister in horror, crying because they love the color blue, and confessing that the doctor brushed their boob on them and they feel dirty, and then comes the yelling and paranoia( the doctor did it on purpose). The emotional instability and confusion is very believable as I was taken through it. An interesting way to have a battle)
His warriors were the creatures on the ceiling who were waiting to attack me directly as soon as I acknowledged them, or after I surrendered to their commander. (I paused here again trying to work through if this was a restricted or unrestricted modifier. His friends were the girls who wore red shoes. (meaning all girls who wore read shoes were his friends) His friends were the girls on the corner, who were waiting for the music to the start. (meaning the girls on the corner are his friends, and they happen to be waiting for music) Eh. Could go either way, as all the creatures on the ceiling exist to kill him, and all the creatures on the ceiling, happen to want to kill him in his perception.
I breathed dry, hot air, rapid and feathery (rapidly? I don't know how to imaging feathery, I'm not sure if you mean the air, or the breathing. I paused on this)
"I ... too ... am a general[.](,)"
(this should be a comma, not a period)
a gasp that sent Percy circling above, before he dropped back to me, as (if)? on a piece of decaying carrion. (paused here, but I'm not sure there is anything wrong. as on == the same as? I've not seen it this way before, there's no relating action..., as if landing on a piece of decaying carrion.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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You've given me a wealth of material to think over--and I mean think over. Some of it I need to learn (or re-learn) such as restrictive and unrestrictive modifiers. I've loaded the link on it so I can make that my grammar lesson du jour. In any case I'm much beholden for the time you took on this crit. It will be pasted in my folder and used on the second edit. Thanks, Turtle!
Comment from Ulla
Another captivating chapter and the fly is terrifying realistic. It captured me and made my imagination go a bit wild. Only one thing: It was a long write with a lot of description that at times made me struggle to concentrate. You are such a talented writer and I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best, Ulla
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Another captivating chapter and the fly is terrifying realistic. It captured me and made my imagination go a bit wild. Only one thing: It was a long write with a lot of description that at times made me struggle to concentrate. You are such a talented writer and I'm looking forward to reading on. All the best, Ulla
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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I do realize the concentration it took, Ulla. It was a chapter of a man unraveling and had to be largely subjective. The only dialogue to break up the narrative was his with the fly. Thanks though for sticking with it--and for the delightful rating.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I loved the irrational thoughts of Doctrex. The interaction with the "all knowing fly was both entertaining and telling. Was it just the effects of the narcotic or was Doctrex seeing the creatures. I especially liked that you lightened the mood briefly with his conversation with the fly. Well done. Gretchen
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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I loved the irrational thoughts of Doctrex. The interaction with the "all knowing fly was both entertaining and telling. Was it just the effects of the narcotic or was Doctrex seeing the creatures. I especially liked that you lightened the mood briefly with his conversation with the fly. Well done. Gretchen
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Bless you, Gretchen. I desperately needed dialogue to break up the subjectivity of the chapter. Glad it helped. Thanks so much for the 6 stars. I salute you and them.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
The quality of your writing is stunning in its depth of description and detail, Jay. I simply could not think up such vividly pictorial images - I so admire that. Having said that, the chapter is long and I wonder about it being a bit heavy with narration. It does get a little tiring hanging in there with Doctrex and his battle with illness. What do you think? Giddy
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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The quality of your writing is stunning in its depth of description and detail, Jay. I simply could not think up such vividly pictorial images - I so admire that. Having said that, the chapter is long and I wonder about it being a bit heavy with narration. It does get a little tiring hanging in there with Doctrex and his battle with illness. What do you think? Giddy
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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I know what you mean, Giddy, and appreciate your observation (and the kid way you expressed it.) I could see the need for the dialogue, which is why I had him talking to the fly. He was there alone with a fly and a mind that was unraveling. It had to be subjective narrative. Dialogue returns next chapter. Hope you'll give it a chance.
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I didn't get notified for this one, Jay. Just happened to find it on the front page and I don't want to miss out on the next one either. Sonali's Had the Same Problem. Giddy
Comment from Chris Tee
As per usual you write excellently and this chapter is another great write, You have the knack to captivate the reader. Well done Jay with this great work.
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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As per usual you write excellently and this chapter is another great write, You have the knack to captivate the reader. Well done Jay with this great work.
Comment Written 17-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 17-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much, Chris. So happy you enjoyed this chapter. More dialogue will show in the succeeding chapters.