I was afraid to open my eyes.

As soon as I do the tsunami comes rushing over me. An onslaught of fear, anxiety and hopelessness I was becoming less able to fight.

I cracked when my eyes opened. I could see the sunlight running rampant through the room. Streams connected with the carpet's gold-coloured filaments waving their arms...good morning!

So far so good. No banging heart no rush in my ears. I opened the other eye.  A small flurry in my heart and the distant roar of rushing blood. Other than that, better.

I sat up slowly, and swung my legs over the side of the bed, waiting to see if any of that nastiness would come back. 

I was feeling weak. A little wobbly in the knees but, it seemed like the worst was over. The main symptoms had passed for which I was extremely grateful and thanked God for profusely.

I put on a house coat and peeked out my door. No sound could I hear and no person could I see.

Walking gingerly down the hall I could see the dining room table and on it was some tea and a couple of cookies. I poured myself a cup of tea and considered the cookies. They looked good so I grabbed one and out to the patio I went. Sitting down on the lawn chair I slowly sipped my tea nibbling on a cookie.

My mind wanted to start chewing on the problem again. But I forced myself to relax and not to think about anything too deeply.

"Veese! Come help vith the groceries effer!" I could hear Oma yelling from the front yard. It gave me a jolt as I was still flinching from loud noises and quick movements.

"Oh good you are avake. Get vashed and dressed efer, come to the table. Tell your sister ve have some chicken." I said OK and returned to my room.  There she was my sister perched on her bed. "You OK?" She asked.

I answered, "Better thanks. Oma wants us to wash up and go eat chicken."

We washed, dressed and headed back to the dining room.  Eating chicken Oma seemed especially solicitous and was even joking a little bit.

My warning bells were screaming.  My extra sense recoiled back into my head. Oma wiped her hands on her paper towel then turned and looked up at us."Ve sending you girls home tomorrow." Both of us were shocked and went pale.  My heart started slamming blood rushing like thunder in my ears.  I could see my sister quickly retreat within herself, which would become her coping mechanism more and more.  Soon she won't come back at all.

I dropped my fork onto my plate. "You girls are much better now, you can go home." I got up, walked quickly down the hall to the bathroom and promptly threw up my chicken. I left the bathroom went down to my room sat down on my bed trying desperately to slow my heart down. Oma came into the room.

"Vhat do you think? Hmm? You can't live vith Oma forever."

"Didn't think anything.  We didn't have anything to think of.  You wouldn't tell us about our parents. Now you're sending us back."

I hung my head low and I too retreated into myself not saying another word.

Oma saying, "do you hear me? Do you understand me? You don't sound like youre listening to Oma...." but on this level where I'm at now, nobody can reach me here.

This changes everything.