| Biographical Non-Fiction posted October 30, 2023 | Chapters: |
...40 41 -42- 43... 
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Who will? Who does? Who knows? Age 15/16
A chapter in the book Ghost
Pawn
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
People ask why. Why would someone want to abuse two girls? I spent my life asking why.
You might as well ask a cat what it sees at night. There is no rhyme or reason to it. The answer is because he can...simple as that.
Combined with public people who work directly with foster children and abused children, who desperately want to keep this under wraps. That's how you abuse two girls. then cut them off from everything. That's how you teach them, make them expendable.
How many chances I wonder did two young girls have? When the mother is indifferent and the stepfather wants them gone? No one believes you and the environment created by the parents makes it difficult to change minds...
How dare we put the lives and careers of others on the line? How could we be so selfish? That was their favourite argument. That's how you abuse two girls. That's how it stays under wraps.
I wonder what it's like for someone to hug you and tell you they love you and mean it?
I wonder what it's like for someone to hug you...
I wonder...
*****************************
I'm going to be 16 in a couple of days. Isn't that supposed to be some milestone or something? But I didn't think it mattered.
I was suffering hard from depression, At times debilitating. Each time it happened it was worse and harder than the last. There is a vast difference between sadness and depression. Normal sadness would be from a loved one passing or your dog getting lost, that would be sadness. It has rhyme, it has reason. Depression has no rhyme or reason. Not only does it take you down the deep dark hole. There is no eating, there's no sleeping, no dressing, no doing anything but constantly begging God to please make it go away.
A feeling of desperation and anxiety. Like holding on with one finger nail over a large black maw.
There is no control. It comes and goes as it pleases regardless of your day. It's chemical, it's physical. It's an imbalance and lowering of natural endorphins produced by your brain. Specifically called Serotonin.
I laid there in my bed not caring if I lived or died. Not caring if I ate, not caring if I used the bathroom, brushed my teeth nothing. All I could do was beg God over and over and over again. Please take it from me, please take it away. Please take this terrible pain away so I can function again.
The smell of food was making me nauseous. Any sudden movements set my heart racing. I was scared again. I completely shut down from my instincts. Anyone who came around me or near me could not touch me or make sudden movements or I would cower. I had to have all the lights on and remain completely still.
It sometimes lasted for days and this time was no different. If I saw anyone I would think, please stay or please go...
I just couldn't handle it. If the TV was on, I couldn't watch anything more violent than a nature show. Don't even put a feather on my head I will know. Crying, rocking and begging, I suffered more than my stepfather could ever create during those times.
None of us came out of this unscathed. This was my burden and still is to this day. I feared for my life during those times.
There's only so much I could take. I told everyone to go away leave me alone and let me pass this. I would sip water cry, beg, throw up and cry some more.
I knew and kept telling myself to get my shit together. I told myself I had to get moving. That I have a plan and the plan won't come together unless I get moving. That's what it was.
I just couldn't do it.
So I laid there. I laid there for days, refusing anything except for a little bit of water. A depression, I never felt so bad...wake up!! It's time to die!
But not today...
People ask why. Why would someone want to abuse two girls? I spent my life asking why.
You might as well ask a cat what it sees at night. There is no rhyme or reason to it. The answer is because he can...simple as that.
Combined with public people who work directly with foster children and abused children, who desperately want to keep this under wraps. That's how you abuse two girls. then cut them off from everything. That's how you teach them, make them expendable.
How many chances I wonder did two young girls have? When the mother is indifferent and the stepfather wants them gone? No one believes you and the environment created by the parents makes it difficult to change minds...
How dare we put the lives and careers of others on the line? How could we be so selfish? That was their favourite argument. That's how you abuse two girls. That's how it stays under wraps.
I wonder what it's like for someone to hug you and tell you they love you and mean it?
I wonder what it's like for someone to hug you...
I wonder...
*****************************
I'm going to be 16 in a couple of days. Isn't that supposed to be some milestone or something? But I didn't think it mattered.
I was suffering hard from depression, At times debilitating. Each time it happened it was worse and harder than the last. There is a vast difference between sadness and depression. Normal sadness would be from a loved one passing or your dog getting lost, that would be sadness. It has rhyme, it has reason. Depression has no rhyme or reason. Not only does it take you down the deep dark hole. There is no eating, there's no sleeping, no dressing, no doing anything but constantly begging God to please make it go away.
A feeling of desperation and anxiety. Like holding on with one finger nail over a large black maw.
There is no control. It comes and goes as it pleases regardless of your day. It's chemical, it's physical. It's an imbalance and lowering of natural endorphins produced by your brain. Specifically called Serotonin.
I laid there in my bed not caring if I lived or died. Not caring if I ate, not caring if I used the bathroom, brushed my teeth nothing. All I could do was beg God over and over and over again. Please take it from me, please take it away. Please take this terrible pain away so I can function again.
The smell of food was making me nauseous. Any sudden movements set my heart racing. I was scared again. I completely shut down from my instincts. Anyone who came around me or near me could not touch me or make sudden movements or I would cower. I had to have all the lights on and remain completely still.
It sometimes lasted for days and this time was no different. If I saw anyone I would think, please stay or please go...
I just couldn't handle it. If the TV was on, I couldn't watch anything more violent than a nature show. Don't even put a feather on my head I will know. Crying, rocking and begging, I suffered more than my stepfather could ever create during those times.
None of us came out of this unscathed. This was my burden and still is to this day. I feared for my life during those times.
There's only so much I could take. I told everyone to go away leave me alone and let me pass this. I would sip water cry, beg, throw up and cry some more.
I knew and kept telling myself to get my shit together. I told myself I had to get moving. That I have a plan and the plan won't come together unless I get moving. That's what it was.
I just couldn't do it.
So I laid there. I laid there for days, refusing anything except for a little bit of water. A depression, I never felt so bad...wake up!! It's time to die!
But not today...
 Recognized |
This story is part of an ongoing auto bio called "Ghost." It can be found in my portfolio and can be read if you wish. A small word of caution some chapters are hard to read. Reader discretion is advised.
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