THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "THE METAMORPH'S RETURN (PT. 1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Jay: I'm dropping into your dimensions with a dead man waking up. He feels no pain after three days in a coma. Somehow, he is filled with energy to get up. Ok...
Your sentences are very descriptive, long with lots of excitement. I like the dreamlike illogical, locked into my existence, check your notes... The medic wants this one to stay put. Wisdom? Not listening? He's got place to go and things to do.
Jay, I'll fly in again. I've been working on taxes! flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2016
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Jay: I'm dropping into your dimensions with a dead man waking up. He feels no pain after three days in a coma. Somehow, he is filled with energy to get up. Ok...
Your sentences are very descriptive, long with lots of excitement. I like the dreamlike illogical, locked into my existence, check your notes... The medic wants this one to stay put. Wisdom? Not listening? He's got place to go and things to do.
Jay, I'll fly in again. I've been working on taxes! flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 04-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2016
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Bless you, Nancy, for jumping into this--a not to easy entrance to that portion of the story, but a courageous leap. Thanks.
Comment from JTStone
I had a fun time running through your three offerings of the Trining on your portfolio page.
It definitely bounced me through different eras of the story, but I found each segment a tasty bit of fiction. I am impressed with your imagination and skill level as a fantasy writer. I intend to read some of the past funny memoirs, tales of your youth later today. I remember those were amusing...
If I get time this weekend I might get caught up enough to make a dollar or two with your new releases. I just want to know what it is I'm reading before I get there.
JT
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
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I had a fun time running through your three offerings of the Trining on your portfolio page.
It definitely bounced me through different eras of the story, but I found each segment a tasty bit of fiction. I am impressed with your imagination and skill level as a fantasy writer. I intend to read some of the past funny memoirs, tales of your youth later today. I remember those were amusing...
If I get time this weekend I might get caught up enough to make a dollar or two with your new releases. I just want to know what it is I'm reading before I get there.
JT
Comment Written 31-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
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You've been away, haven't you? I remember you, but not from recently. Thanks, JT. I really appreciate your browsing.
Comment from Tina McKala
the opening scene was very interesting - had to read it a few times. the rebirth was originally described. also a very good job with the awakening into the "other" world. i would just again add some more description of the surroundings. how does doctrex feel? what it looks like around him? what does he see? is his vision clear? any smells? what is he wearing? i know i have problems with descriptions myself, i'm also heavily focuised on the dialogue and my readers keep on pointing it out. there doesn't have to be much of hte description, just some details that would outline the surroundings and help us sense what the narrator feels/sees/smells
"Eele," I said, and the medic looked up from his notes, // and what was eele doing?
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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the opening scene was very interesting - had to read it a few times. the rebirth was originally described. also a very good job with the awakening into the "other" world. i would just again add some more description of the surroundings. how does doctrex feel? what it looks like around him? what does he see? is his vision clear? any smells? what is he wearing? i know i have problems with descriptions myself, i'm also heavily focuised on the dialogue and my readers keep on pointing it out. there doesn't have to be much of hte description, just some details that would outline the surroundings and help us sense what the narrator feels/sees/smells
"Eele," I said, and the medic looked up from his notes, // and what was eele doing?
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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No, I take it very seriously when someone tells me I need more description. I tend to over describe. I'll look carefully into this.
Comment from Dashjianta
Good opening chapter. Mystery and drama in the opening scene gives it a strong start. Dialogue flows well and introspection is well timed and helps fill in some of what's happened.
One nit:
Well, let's do it?" I said, mustering as much enthusiasm as I could."
--Delete the speech mark at end.
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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Good opening chapter. Mystery and drama in the opening scene gives it a strong start. Dialogue flows well and introspection is well timed and helps fill in some of what's happened.
One nit:
Well, let's do it?" I said, mustering as much enthusiasm as I could."
--Delete the speech mark at end.
Comment Written 22-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 22-Nov-2014
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Once again, thanks, Alex. I took care of one more closed quote. Also, I changed the question mark to a comma. Where was my head?
Comment from Selina Stambi
I did a whole review, and the site kicked me out before could save it - darn it! I'm scuttling to keep up with your prolific pen, Jay!
A good chapter.
Hope you're having a good week.
Sonali
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2014
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I did a whole review, and the site kicked me out before could save it - darn it! I'm scuttling to keep up with your prolific pen, Jay!
A good chapter.
Hope you're having a good week.
Sonali
Comment Written 02-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 02-Oct-2014
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Dontcha hate it when that happens. And, all those genius words floating around the cyber-sphere! I'm glad this entertained you. Thank you, Sonali.
Comment from GWHARGIS
I like the hard heded attitude of Doctrex. He knows that he may not be able to move yet he still tries to convince the medic that he can lead the troops. He definitely has some military in his blood because that is so like the attitude of a millitary man. Die with the boots on. A nice introduction into book three. Gretchen
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2014
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I like the hard heded attitude of Doctrex. He knows that he may not be able to move yet he still tries to convince the medic that he can lead the troops. He definitely has some military in his blood because that is so like the attitude of a millitary man. Die with the boots on. A nice introduction into book three. Gretchen
Comment Written 01-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2014
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Ah, I'm glad you like this introduction. I'm inexperienced with writing a trilogy and only recently did Ray (Sundaywriter,or Sundayauthor)tell me I'm going to have to be able to feed the reader in each succeeding book enough of the info from the previous book (s) so he will have a sense of continuity. Thank you for staying with me, Gretchen. It means so much to me.
Comment from krprice
I open my eyes. But. . . Of course, I'm going . . .
You've seen his side. . . It if was blood he's ben losing,. . .
"I've been resting for three days, doctor."
This time and again two paragraphs later, the 'd' in doctor should be small.
"I appreciate that persistence. . . "But, just as you are doing your job, as your general. . .
"I'd have expected. . . 'd' in doctor should be small.
Good chapter.
Karlene
PS: My email is karles@bellsouth.net. If you're willing to share yours, I'll send you an email I got with a list of new agents on it.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2014
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I open my eyes. But. . . Of course, I'm going . . .
You've seen his side. . . It if was blood he's ben losing,. . .
"I've been resting for three days, doctor."
This time and again two paragraphs later, the 'd' in doctor should be small.
"I appreciate that persistence. . . "But, just as you are doing your job, as your general. . .
"I'd have expected. . . 'd' in doctor should be small.
Good chapter.
Karlene
PS: My email is karles@bellsouth.net. If you're willing to share yours, I'll send you an email I got with a list of new agents on it.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2014
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Yes, my email is gwsquiresjr@gmail.com. I appreciate it, Karlene. I'll look over your suggestions. I took care of the "Doctor" issues. The rest I'll check with the final edit. Again, thanks.
Comment from Sankey
Ha are we back on track now? But I guess all that interlude we just came through is part of the track what! It really threw me very confusing. Maybe I missed something in the introduction of the story. Good work anyway and no spags. Hope my new Split chapters are making some sense to you now. I will be proceeding with more of that.Having a LOT of positive reviews and a few more detailed serious ones like yours thanks.
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2014
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Ha are we back on track now? But I guess all that interlude we just came through is part of the track what! It really threw me very confusing. Maybe I missed something in the introduction of the story. Good work anyway and no spags. Hope my new Split chapters are making some sense to you now. I will be proceeding with more of that.Having a LOT of positive reviews and a few more detailed serious ones like yours thanks.
Comment Written 01-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 01-Oct-2014
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You're welcome, Geoff. And, thank you for continuing on with this. Yes the internalization is over for a while. More adventure and fantasy in route.
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yay sounds good. By the way I just got a really good review another bloke like you gave me...it made me go back and change some of the Part 2 of my first permanent job chapter (Chapter 7 part 2). His questions made me go back and add more in there in a couple of areas. INspiration struck and I thought of a bit more. He also made a well known quote I remember "Never let truth get in the way of a good story" very good and all but I still don't feel I want to make my Autobiography a bunch of lies to embellish the tale. Look forward to anything else you have to say. I realise you may have looked at this so there may not be any reward for you this time if you already been there.
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I'll try to take a look at it today. I've really been busy trying to get my next several chapters of The Trining ready to go plus reading for the member bucks to promote. You know the hastle. I'll see what I can do.
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Yeah understand I have to do more reading myself as my Member Dollars are dwindling away. Ha! Good on you and glad we are back with Doctrex and his team hehe!
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
24 paragraphs from end: Eliminate inverted commas, end of first line.
You have great skill in overcoming the interchange between the dimensions with your characters. I find it stunning, and so happy to see Doctrex getting back on his crossan, Giddy
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
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24 paragraphs from end: Eliminate inverted commas, end of first line.
You have great skill in overcoming the interchange between the dimensions with your characters. I find it stunning, and so happy to see Doctrex getting back on his crossan, Giddy
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
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Thank you, Giddy for reading and enjoying. Thanks also for the heads up (I think!) Twenty-four paragraphs from the end? Wouldn't that put it near the beginning? I'll check it out. [I'm back. couldn't find it. Is an inverted comma one of these [ ' ]? I hate to trouble you further, but if you could paste that line so I can see it. Thanks, Giddy!!!!
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Jay. Long time since I've had aa chance to read some of your work. It is exciting, I'll give you that for sure. Your descriptions and the story-line are strong.
I do have one suggestion if I may: " Just then an epiphany bubbles up from ......etc." A good rule of thumb is never,,,I mean NEVER use the term "Just then" Unfortunately it is a sign of immature writing and you don't need to do it because you are so much better than that. Try this: "An epiphany bubbles up. Or better yet "An epiphany bubbled up.
Bravo to the piece as a whole, Jay. Bob
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
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Hi, Jay. Long time since I've had aa chance to read some of your work. It is exciting, I'll give you that for sure. Your descriptions and the story-line are strong.
I do have one suggestion if I may: " Just then an epiphany bubbles up from ......etc." A good rule of thumb is never,,,I mean NEVER use the term "Just then" Unfortunately it is a sign of immature writing and you don't need to do it because you are so much better than that. Try this: "An epiphany bubbles up. Or better yet "An epiphany bubbled up.
Bravo to the piece as a whole, Jay. Bob
Comment Written 30-Sep-2014
reply by the author on 30-Sep-2014
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You know what you've done Bob? You've caused me to go to the "find" tab on word and look for everywhere I've said "just then". That's odd. I've never heard of that. Do you mind if I ask where you heard of it? I can imagine it's because it's so akin to "Suddenly!" I know things like double punctuation marks, lower case "i", and things of that nature, but never heard of "just then". And, you know what? I know I use it a lot!
Thanks for the kind words, Bob. Hope you drop by now and again and see what's progressing. How's your book doing? What's the name of the publishing company, or do you have an agent who's farming it out?
Good luck to you, and again, thanks -- and don't be a stranger!
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Suddenly is another bad one. Go look in some of the better writing instructional books. I'm sure it's covered. Strunk and White book for one. Good Luck, Jay. Bob