Comment from Dashjianta

Exceptional

Oh dear, that does not sound like a promising ending. Leaves the impression either the guards Doctrex magicked have been found, or the courier sent to the Kabeezan army was found. ('the two' mentioned points me to the first.)

Good details in this chapter, with the way you describe the eyes of the creatures being like fanned coals, and the moment Doctrex catches Axtilla's scent and hears her sigh. Having Glnot in his uniform was a nice touch as well.

Suggestions:

bed sheet fisted in both white-knuckled hands at my side(s).

yellow-to- red-to-orange
--Delete space before 'red'.

but why(,) then(,) could I now feel the wind of their whipping wings?
--Not sure on this one, but instinct wants to put commas in.

My pulse throbbed in my throat(,) and I cowered

I willed my biceps and forearms to slacken(,) and I managed to wiggle my fingers.
--OR delete the 'I' after the 'and'.

I closed my eyes and studied the mechanics of my breathing: ...
--Not sure why, but when I was reading this description, I was picturing the rising wave as the breath entering his lungs, and thought he was breathing out when you wrote "emptied everything back to the dry sea floor", so was surprised when the then breathes in.

my legs hanging over
--Should there be something to say over what his legs are hanging over?

atop each shoulder, blossomed a gold epaulet.
--Consider swapping this sentence around for better flow. eg: A gold epaulet blossomed atop...

"Pondria," he said, in greeting
--delete comma?

He offered me a smile(,) and his eyes again slipped closed

I nodded as well(,) and my eyes roved toward his right hand

"Did you perform your assignments last night in your military uniform?"
--Consider deleting 'last night' for a tighter sentence. (Anyone reading it all will now when it happened.)

I wanted--I needed to feel--complete
--Should 'to feel' be on the other side of the em dash? Otherwise, if you take out the part in dashes, you're left with 'I wanted complete'.

a glance down also at the 4 stakes
--Should '4' be written as 'four'?

over Axtilla's transformation, as to lay the groundwork
--Delete comma. Not sure on this, but get the feeling that because it's all one concept it should be all one bit.

"Well? Come on(,) men ...."

 Comment Written 20-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016

Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug. In your case, Alex, I pasted your review in a folder along with a few others because it's so meaty and I don't have the time to totally devote to your suggestions now.

reply by Dashjianta on 25-Jul-2016

Bad FS not saving *hits it with a big stick* ;) I wonder if you hit a hidden word count limit. I've had that happen with PMs where I kept replying to the same one, but never review replies.

You're welcome. Was a pleasure as always.

Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin

Exceptional

Hi, Jay

= Whoohoo! Tensions are building, along with doubts by Doxtrex.
= Somebody better start 'splaining, Lucy.
= Great build up, and end hook.

(*>*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ~ Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax

 Comment Written 20-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016

Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.

reply by Jacqueline M Franklin on 25-Jul-2016

= I thought it odd I hadn't heard from you.
= Not sure why the system acts up once in a while.
= Have a better day. (*<*)

Comment from giraffmang

Exceptional

Hi Jay,

Another great chapter here. Once more, the pacing and levels of description are excellent.

My memory skittered over just when it had transitioned - skittered is such a great word. One I use a lot too!

yellow-to- red-to-orange - delete the space before red here.

The wave metaphor for the breathing is very effective.

The description of Rhuether's garb was economical but so precise and spot on.

"I thought it appropriate given the assignment's seriousness. - need closing speech marks here.

Superb stuff
G

 Comment Written 20-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016

Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug. Dang it, I just can't do it! A special thanks for your six stars!

Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)

Exceptional

A great chapter, Jay. You have kept this story tightly woven, not veering off the track. That is so very difficult to do, my friend~Debbie

 Comment Written 20-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016

Oh, Debbie, you have made my day. I can sleep well with my 6 under my pillow. Thanks for your kindness.

reply by dejohnsrld (Debbie) on 20-Jul-2016

Sleep well, my friend~Debbie

Comment from Sis Cat

Excellent

Magic, this writing is magical, but I know it is a lot of hard work and ample imagination. I enjoy reading your prose closely because it is so vivid, rich, and emotional. I always love the ceiling which is another character in this novel. the descriptions of Doctrex breathing captivated me. The scene of Doctrex trying to put himself together and contain him emotions was well played. This creates great tension in the conversation: "Trying to avoid the discussion, or where it might lead, was like avoiding a ... pomnot in the room."

Closing quotation marks needed after this sentence, "I thought it appropriate given the assignment's seriousness.

and after the final sentence, "Right now someone had better start talking.

Question mark needed after this sentence that begins with, "Did the Almighty Master deign a glance down also at the 4 stakes . . ."

That's how close I am reading your writing.

I always find reading your prose to be a great gift because I get to enjoy a high level of craft. I wish I had a six to give you to match your writing, but I spent them on Sunday.

Thank you for sharing. Keep pushing forward.

 Comment Written 19-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016

You're like me with your sixes. I give them away like candy. When they're gone I don't have to worry about it. Thanks for your close read. Took care of the first two closed quotes. I'll go back and catch the question mark after I close this.

You give me the big head--you know that?

Thanks!

Comment from LIJ Red

Excellent

Closing quotes at the very end? The feces approaches the fan...Almighty Master will not like it that his bride has bit the big one...excellently detailed and grammatical writing, Jay.

 Comment Written 19-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016

Thanks for the catch, Red. Gonna throw folks a little curve, next chapter or the one after.

Comment from davisr (Rhonda)

Excellent

Wow, this is about to get hairy!
I like the way you started by going through all of Doctrex's emotions and even the images in the ceiling and how it effected, or mirrored, his emotional state.
Conversation with Rhuether is believable and moves the story well.
Glad to get a new chapter!!

Rhonda

 Comment Written 19-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016

THanks Rhonda. Yeah, I was having a hard time with this chapter. Took me an extra week to get things untangled. Thanks for being patient.

Comment from David I

Excellent

The words you use present a vivid impression. I really liked the third paragraph, comparing breathing to waves, it helped empathise with the character's battle. The conversation is mesmerising as you provide insights into what the character is thinking and experiencing for it's duration. Very well done.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 19-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016

Hey, I just read one of yours (the Angela post) You are GOOD! Thanks for reading this, Sprinter. Glad to have you aboard.

Comment from royowen

Excellent

Doctor/Pondria meets with Reuther to discuss the rituals concerning the rituals of Mojo, and the Axtilla contempt of Doctrex being dealt with, during and awkward moment, a clarion of guards cause a rumpus outside the room, and a furious Reuther demands a decent answer as to why, it must be the circumvented guards Doctrex passed. Where to from here Jay, great scribing mate, blessings, Roy

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 19-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016

Thank you, Roy. I'm so happy you enjoyed this chapter. I've been having so much trouble with my new computer. Hour after hour with a tech guy. They're all after my money. When I tell them I don't have any, they say, "goodbye." All in preparation of telling you I'm behind in my reading/reviewing. Blessings, my friend.

reply by royowen on 20-Jul-2016

Me too Jay, there's a mad rush on posting lately,

Comment from c_lucas

Exceptional

It seems like everything is over, but the game goes own. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. making for a very interesting read.

 Comment Written 19-Jul-2016

---

reply by the author on 20-Jul-2016

Thanks so much for your kind and generous review, Charlie.