THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 29 "Rhuether's Embarrassing Predicament"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
37 total reviews
Comment from JTStone
There wasn't one bit of that segment that could have been cut out and still have it carry the weight you needed it to. This is novel material, and as such should be enjoyed in long uninterrupted reading. It's too bad you have to keep your writing as short as you do.
The bird was back, if only symbolically. Which indicates to me that, maybe the seer is either in contact with, or a part of Pondria.
I couldn't help but notice that Rhuether had a tendency of looking up. I assume he was looking at the images carved in the ceiling, and Pondria's ignorant of what they are. They carry some sort of importance that is going to be revealed, shortly I figure.
I'm assuming that the next twenty four hours of this story are going to be incredible.
Jimmy
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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There wasn't one bit of that segment that could have been cut out and still have it carry the weight you needed it to. This is novel material, and as such should be enjoyed in long uninterrupted reading. It's too bad you have to keep your writing as short as you do.
The bird was back, if only symbolically. Which indicates to me that, maybe the seer is either in contact with, or a part of Pondria.
I couldn't help but notice that Rhuether had a tendency of looking up. I assume he was looking at the images carved in the ceiling, and Pondria's ignorant of what they are. They carry some sort of importance that is going to be revealed, shortly I figure.
I'm assuming that the next twenty four hours of this story are going to be incredible.
Jimmy
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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I think the ending will blow your mind. And it all starts with the next chapter. In the meantime, I'm so gratified over your kind wishes and generosity.
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Jay,
This is a solid chapter, and interaction between the brothers is fascinating, believable and easy to follow. I enjoyed the way you threaded small acts, such as eating the fruit and dabbing the corners of the mouth with a napkin, through the dialogue. Excellent characterization.
Here are a few lines you might want to look at. I think you're a bit heavy on the comma use occasionally, but commas--to use or not to use--are a tough call.
Only much later on, did I experience the full-blown memory of picking up the quill
When Rhuether entered, I looked up from the orongos I was peeling and smiled.
"I'm just telling you so you'll be prepared for it. The assignment itself will advise you after you're finished there to come to this room immediately to receive the final Mojo content.
I know, Brother; you don't need to tell me again."
I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Cheers,
Lana
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Hi Jay,
This is a solid chapter, and interaction between the brothers is fascinating, believable and easy to follow. I enjoyed the way you threaded small acts, such as eating the fruit and dabbing the corners of the mouth with a napkin, through the dialogue. Excellent characterization.
Here are a few lines you might want to look at. I think you're a bit heavy on the comma use occasionally, but commas--to use or not to use--are a tough call.
Only much later on, did I experience the full-blown memory of picking up the quill
When Rhuether entered, I looked up from the orongos I was peeling and smiled.
"I'm just telling you so you'll be prepared for it. The assignment itself will advise you after you're finished there to come to this room immediately to receive the final Mojo content.
I know, Brother; you don't need to tell me again."
I look forward to reading the next chapter.
Cheers,
Lana
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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LOL, Lana, you really know how to twist the dagger in my comma disability. I will certainly look over those lines. In the meantime thanks so much for reading so closely.
Comment from Writingfundimension
Nothing ever remains the same for long in this enchanted world you create for the reader, Jay.
I admire Doctrex's ability to shift with the flowing tides as here:
'Smiling down at the paper, not a single doubt wormed in to align with the illogic of what needed doing.'
Indeed, it seems to be one of his most valiant characteristics.
For your consideration:
'(W)when I entered from the garden...'
Fascinating and not too long in my opinion.
:) Bev
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Nothing ever remains the same for long in this enchanted world you create for the reader, Jay.
I admire Doctrex's ability to shift with the flowing tides as here:
'Smiling down at the paper, not a single doubt wormed in to align with the illogic of what needed doing.'
Indeed, it seems to be one of his most valiant characteristics.
For your consideration:
'(W)when I entered from the garden...'
Fascinating and not too long in my opinion.
:) Bev
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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How in the world did I miss that capital "W"? Thanks, it was fixed. And thanks just for being here for me and always so encouraging. I appreciate it.
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You're very welcome, Jay. I feel the same way about you.
:) Bev
Comment from c_lucas
Conspiracy only works best when the number of conspirators are limited in number. This is very well written with a interesting flow of words, making for a very good read.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Conspiracy only works best when the number of conspirators are limited in number. This is very well written with a interesting flow of words, making for a very good read.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thank you, Charlie. We're getting close to the ending. I think it will blow a few minds.
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
The chapter was long, but I never "felt" it. It flowed well and was engaging. It all went together, as you said. I can't imagine any break in it.
I picked up a few Spags, but it didn't interfere with the reading and understanding of the chapter.
the paper. when I had entered from the garden,
"He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously."
You have left us wanting to know how this turns out!
Rhonda
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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The chapter was long, but I never "felt" it. It flowed well and was engaging. It all went together, as you said. I can't imagine any break in it.
I picked up a few Spags, but it didn't interfere with the reading and understanding of the chapter.
the paper. when I had entered from the garden,
"He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously."
You have left us wanting to know how this turns out!
Rhonda
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Thanks so much, Eagle-Eye-Rhonda. Took care of the lack of capitalization and will look at the other sentence, on which I assume you say I need a comma after "mouth"?
Comment from Sis Cat
I enjoyed how you portrayed the anxiety and mystery of the Mojo assignments before the night of pre-marital meditations. You opened this chapter with exposition on Doctrex surreal experiences, recollections, and concerns as he wrote.
You then break this up with dialogue between Glnot and Doctrex. You are accurate in the round about way Glnot approaches the subject of being able to perform in bed. I laughed at the word "erect" you used to describe his exit, "Already, his eyes had reverted to their steely-silver dryness when he turned and left me staring at his back as he strode from the room--shoulders erect--and looking every bit the figure of the proud Almighty Master who rendered his subjects to be filled with inchoate terror." This is good contrast with his fears before.
I still don't trust Axtilla no matter how beautiful she is. She is a black widow.
I found "no discernible misspelled words." A capital "W" is needed at the beginning of the sentence, "when I had entered from the garden. . ." Omit the quotation marks around this description "He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously."
The length of this chapter was not a problem. Have you read your chapters through for rhythm and pacing? If you see to publish, hire an outside editor who will look at your whole book. One thing I have learned and am learning from my study of Shakespeare is the importance of pacing and cliffhangers. He tied his plays together with a tight structure.
Thank you once again for sharing your talent.
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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I enjoyed how you portrayed the anxiety and mystery of the Mojo assignments before the night of pre-marital meditations. You opened this chapter with exposition on Doctrex surreal experiences, recollections, and concerns as he wrote.
You then break this up with dialogue between Glnot and Doctrex. You are accurate in the round about way Glnot approaches the subject of being able to perform in bed. I laughed at the word "erect" you used to describe his exit, "Already, his eyes had reverted to their steely-silver dryness when he turned and left me staring at his back as he strode from the room--shoulders erect--and looking every bit the figure of the proud Almighty Master who rendered his subjects to be filled with inchoate terror." This is good contrast with his fears before.
I still don't trust Axtilla no matter how beautiful she is. She is a black widow.
I found "no discernible misspelled words." A capital "W" is needed at the beginning of the sentence, "when I had entered from the garden. . ." Omit the quotation marks around this description "He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously."
The length of this chapter was not a problem. Have you read your chapters through for rhythm and pacing? If you see to publish, hire an outside editor who will look at your whole book. One thing I have learned and am learning from my study of Shakespeare is the importance of pacing and cliffhangers. He tied his plays together with a tight structure.
Thank you once again for sharing your talent.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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You are remarkable, Andre. I've taken care of the nits and omissions. I know what you mean about pacing. I've sensed it, largely because I face each chapter as a blank screen, with only a vague direction. This will lead to wastefulness when it comes time to editing.
Now, about the suggestion for audio books. Can you tell me about it? I looked up the Macbeth offer and listened to the brief history of its first production. Is this through Amazon, Andre? My problem is as much time as money related. I can't allow myself to get too involved with something that may only have marginal benefit. It's an age thing. You'd have to be my age to understand me on that, and I wouldn't wish that on you. Still, I'm curious.
Thank you for caring, Andre!
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It's Audble.com. It is an offshoot of Amazon. I understand the time thing. I seldom have time to read physical books so I listen to audio books while driving, cooking, jogging, or working out. As I am in the process of entertaining people on the stage as well as the page, I find it economical for me time-wise to study the best. There are so many books I did not read while a kid or a college student. Since I began writing and performing at fifty, I am cramming to read the best of world literature so that it could infuse my poetry, prose, and performance sooner rather than later. I am not waiting until I retire. I do what I can now.
You are right. Since you are starting each chapter with a blank page, you will have to do a lot of editing later. I like the process of not knowing where the characters will lead you next, but this contrasts other writers who have a tightly scripted plot. Keep forging forward and edit later. From what I have heard, writers often rewrite their novels several times before they get it right. You are only on your first draft.
Comment from krprice
I recommend using 'find' and look for brother. When it is not the first word of the sentence, change the large B to a small on.
After finishing. . . as though--excellent.
Throwing off.. . The ink jar. . . paper--delete period
Suggest you be consistent in punctuation in series of words, clauses, or phrases
His eyes. . .suggest gaze
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
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I recommend using 'find' and look for brother. When it is not the first word of the sentence, change the large B to a small on.
After finishing. . . as though--excellent.
Throwing off.. . The ink jar. . . paper--delete period
Suggest you be consistent in punctuation in series of words, clauses, or phrases
His eyes. . .suggest gaze
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016
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I recommend using 'find' and look for brother. When it is not the first word of the sentence, change the large B to a small on. :
I looked this up on Google under Kinship names:
Rule 1: Capitalize a kinship name when it immediately precedes a personal name or is used alone, in place of a personal name.
Examples
Andy and Opie loved Aunt Bee?s apple pies.
We adore Uncle Malik, because he always treats us like royalty when we visit him.
Grandma and Grandpa were married in a chapel in a small French village.
Let?s go ask Mom if we can go to the movies.
After finishing. . . as though--excellent. [Karlene, what am I supposed to do with this? I want to learn from your suggestions, but I can?t if I don?t understand what you?re saying.
His eyes. . .suggest gaze: This is too general. Are you suggesting I should change ?his eyes? to ?gaze? in the two sentences below?:
a few times, then locked into that space above my head, and his eyes filled [gazed]. He reached for the napkin he?d used earlier and held it to his eyes [his gaze] in both hands.
I do appreciate the time you spend reviewing my posts. I just need to be able to use your sage suggestions.
Jay
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I'd never heard of capitalizing kinship without a name. Hm. . .
Use gaze instead of eyes in both cases.
Hope this helps.
Karlene
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So, let me make sure I understand your suggestion. My corrected sentence would read: "locked into that space above my head, and his GAZE filled (instead of "his eyes filled", as with tears. Then, "He reached for the napkin he'd used earlier and held it to his GAZE in both hands." Karlene, I think you're playing with me ...
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Sorry. It should be eyes. My goof!!
Karlene
Comment from trumby
very good addition to the story, mate.
they certainly have a complex relationship, don't they?
Doctrex seems to be moving further and further ahead of the other man all the time, or , Am I reading too much into it?
I didn't think that it was too long
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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very good addition to the story, mate.
they certainly have a complex relationship, don't they?
Doctrex seems to be moving further and further ahead of the other man all the time, or , Am I reading too much into it?
I didn't think that it was too long
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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You are so kind, Trumby, both for the kindness and the 6 star rating.
Comment from chasennov
V-Day Minus One. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Rhuether's Embarrassing Predicament.' This is another excellent delivery of a fine chapter in your ongoing saga of your book, 'The Trining.' If I may chance a question, Jay. What is an orongos? Very well done.
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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V-Day Minus One. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. Rhuether's Embarrassing Predicament.' This is another excellent delivery of a fine chapter in your ongoing saga of your book, 'The Trining.' If I may chance a question, Jay. What is an orongos? Very well done.
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 28-Mar-2016
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Orongos is a fruit in that "place". When I edit it I'm going back and changing it to a fruit that doesn't resemble Orange so much. Many thanks, chas.
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That's what I thought it meant; orange. No problems, Jay. Take care.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Jay,
Absolutely loved this chapter. the relationship between Doctrex & Rhuether is complex and the machinations of Doctrex's thoughts are handled very well. You are 100% correct that there was no logical place to split this instalment, but it isn't really that long and certainly does not feel like it is which is the more important aspect.
I only realized the brevity of my sleep when I opened my eyes and noticed the water pitcher I was facing had only half the cubes melted. - excellent opener and great way of showing time passing, or not, in this case.
to the right of the paper. when I had entered - When
separating the orongos down the middle and putting the rounded end of half of it on the table - superb attention to detail paints a vivid and strong image.
immediately to receive the final Mojo content. - need closing speech marks here.
"He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously." - this shouldn't be in speech marks.
After a brief--and his eyes revealed--reflective pause - excellent reading of a perceived action, economically done and very revealing. Difficult to ascertain attributes like reflectiveness in another from a different POV. Very clever.
I know, Brother; you don't need to tell me again." - need opening speech marks here.
Great addition
G
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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Hi Jay,
Absolutely loved this chapter. the relationship between Doctrex & Rhuether is complex and the machinations of Doctrex's thoughts are handled very well. You are 100% correct that there was no logical place to split this instalment, but it isn't really that long and certainly does not feel like it is which is the more important aspect.
I only realized the brevity of my sleep when I opened my eyes and noticed the water pitcher I was facing had only half the cubes melted. - excellent opener and great way of showing time passing, or not, in this case.
to the right of the paper. when I had entered - When
separating the orongos down the middle and putting the rounded end of half of it on the table - superb attention to detail paints a vivid and strong image.
immediately to receive the final Mojo content. - need closing speech marks here.
"He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously." - this shouldn't be in speech marks.
After a brief--and his eyes revealed--reflective pause - excellent reading of a perceived action, economically done and very revealing. Difficult to ascertain attributes like reflectiveness in another from a different POV. Very clever.
I know, Brother; you don't need to tell me again." - need opening speech marks here.
Great addition
G
Comment Written 27-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016
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G, you are alert, my friend. Wow. I read my post over 3 times and once aloud. I thought I'd found everything, but you proved me wrong. I'm so glad to have you on my side. Seriously. You rock!
