| Biographical Non-Fiction posted November 2, 2023 | Chapters: |
...45 46 -47- 48... 
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Here today gone tomorrow
A chapter in the book Ghost
Pressure
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
The barrage of messages has beaten down the door of my poor Messenger account.
If I were a Messenger account, I would demand a raise!
I think the woman who sends them should be the one to pay. But that's just me.
They are from my mother and her boyfriend of one year.
She's feeling the pressure you see. The more I write, the more nervous she gets.
Today it was, "Quit whining. You're an idiot. Fuck off."
Her boyfriend pipes in with "You don't know your mother. You and your sisters need to get over it." Then he expressed his disappointment.
Who's this guy? Who is he to me? I don't know my mother.
I received random messages from uneducated people telling me I should be ashamed of myself for putting my mother in danger.
Huh?
To all this, I can only say,
"Sorry, I can't hear you."
They're just pissin' in the wind...
*****************************
I knew it was morning. I could feel the sunlight slice across my eyelids while the day demanded consciousness.
"But what if I don't want to? I thought. I sighed, flipped the blanket over and slid my legs over the side of the bed.
The house was unusually quiet. But quiet doesn't necessarily mean it's safe. I opted to look around corners instead. One of the things my stepfather liked to do was pretend to hit us, make us cower, and pull back his punch just before connection laughing while he did it. I learned to avoid it if I could. Coming to the top of the stairs, I could hear my mother on the phone.
"...Oh no she'll be fine, she'll clean up after herself...just until the school year ends."
I could hear the click of the phone being returned to the cradle then a pause followed by the sound of both my parents talking so I drew a little closer.
"She can't take both of them." Mother said, "She's probably going to want to be paid."
Tell the little witches they're gonna have to earn their keep." My stepfather said.
"Only one can go, I told you that."
"Then send the younger one. Worry about the older one later...and make sure she knows the rules."
The thundering buzz was all I could hear while my heart ran away with itself. Desperation quickly followed.
"What are they doing with my sister? And me?" I wondered. "Whatever it was, I would not comply. I'm 16 and I'll decide for myself. But where and how?
Always that...
I needed to think. "Who is this person mother was talking to? What are they trying to do?" What crime have we committed this time?"
Every time my parents did something to hurt us, we would look at each other and say, "We'll give them one more chance."
Every time I have to force myself to find a reason to love them.
I look inside of myself now and there's nothing... nothing but anger, fear, bewilderment, disgust and even hatred.
"I'll get a job." I thought. I'll rent my place, do my own thing..." With my thoughts taking a train ride, I retreated to my room.
After a while, I heard my mother call my name...
"Come up here, your Dad wants to talk to you."
Heart jumping, I complied...
*****************************
I feel a sense of exhaustion today, like a well running dry, a battery losing power. My emotions flat-lining somewhat in the clearing of crap renting space in my head.
It's not a bad thing...more like a hard workout or a marathon run.
New running shoes...coming up!
The barrage of messages has beaten down the door of my poor Messenger account.
If I were a Messenger account, I would demand a raise!
I think the woman who sends them should be the one to pay. But that's just me.
They are from my mother and her boyfriend of one year.
She's feeling the pressure you see. The more I write, the more nervous she gets.
Today it was, "Quit whining. You're an idiot. Fuck off."
Her boyfriend pipes in with "You don't know your mother. You and your sisters need to get over it." Then he expressed his disappointment.
Who's this guy? Who is he to me? I don't know my mother.
I received random messages from uneducated people telling me I should be ashamed of myself for putting my mother in danger.
Huh?
To all this, I can only say,
"Sorry, I can't hear you."
They're just pissin' in the wind...
*****************************
I knew it was morning. I could feel the sunlight slice across my eyelids while the day demanded consciousness.
"But what if I don't want to? I thought. I sighed, flipped the blanket over and slid my legs over the side of the bed.
The house was unusually quiet. But quiet doesn't necessarily mean it's safe. I opted to look around corners instead. One of the things my stepfather liked to do was pretend to hit us, make us cower, and pull back his punch just before connection laughing while he did it. I learned to avoid it if I could. Coming to the top of the stairs, I could hear my mother on the phone.
"...Oh no she'll be fine, she'll clean up after herself...just until the school year ends."
I could hear the click of the phone being returned to the cradle then a pause followed by the sound of both my parents talking so I drew a little closer.
"She can't take both of them." Mother said, "She's probably going to want to be paid."
Tell the little witches they're gonna have to earn their keep." My stepfather said.
"Only one can go, I told you that."
"Then send the younger one. Worry about the older one later...and make sure she knows the rules."
The thundering buzz was all I could hear while my heart ran away with itself. Desperation quickly followed.
"What are they doing with my sister? And me?" I wondered. "Whatever it was, I would not comply. I'm 16 and I'll decide for myself. But where and how?
Always that...
I needed to think. "Who is this person mother was talking to? What are they trying to do?" What crime have we committed this time?"
Every time my parents did something to hurt us, we would look at each other and say, "We'll give them one more chance."
Every time I have to force myself to find a reason to love them.
I look inside of myself now and there's nothing... nothing but anger, fear, bewilderment, disgust and even hatred.
"I'll get a job." I thought. I'll rent my place, do my own thing..." With my thoughts taking a train ride, I retreated to my room.
After a while, I heard my mother call my name...
"Come up here, your Dad wants to talk to you."
Heart jumping, I complied...
*****************************
I feel a sense of exhaustion today, like a well running dry, a battery losing power. My emotions flat-lining somewhat in the clearing of crap renting space in my head.
It's not a bad thing...more like a hard workout or a marathon run.
New running shoes...coming up!
Autobio called "Ghost" can be found in my portfolio. Should you wish to read free one word of caution some chapters are hard to read, and reader discretion is advised.
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