Secrets

My mind continuously spins like a top. Responding to all the cues, all the signs. The changes in the air, the slight noises no one else can hear. The air was thick like pea soup. I could measure the negativity by the thickness of it.  The hurricane of thoughts jostling for position in my head.

I analyzed every move I made, analyzed every move they made and analyzed those in my family too.  To my surprise and not a surprise, I made some horrifying revelations in a sideways fashion.

I just couldn't understand why we had to be so different from every other family. We'd see happy kids all around going places, doing things, and having friends. Wonder why we couldn't have those things. Why couldn't we be happy and peaceful and live without fear? 

Again with the why.

Casting my mind back a couple of days. I find myself standing on the front lawn at the bottom of the cement stairs staring up at the man.

"Get your ass in here you little witch!" 

He often called my sisters and myself degrading names.  He didn't mind expressing his opinion on how useless he thought we were either.

I knew when I walked by him in that open front door he was going to punch me.

Thickness in the air and the blackness of his eyes, I knew it.

My mind sang warnings repeatedly like I didn't know. 

Stars and the whip snap of pain exploded in my head and shot down my neck.  The rage I can hardly contain also spread through me. I trembled in the effort to control myself. 

I was caught skipping out of school.

Yes, my only excuse for that was wanting a little bit of fun in between being a student and being nothing in the eyes of my parents.

He had me work hard around the house and outside of it. No food and a couple of extra lumps for my trouble.

My sister brought me food as we always have done.

My stepfather developed a new routine. Coming home from work, he would see us and he would say.

"Well? What did you do today? He expected a list of chores that he had given to be completed.

Well, I was fed up with a lot of things in those days. This one is not excluded.

If he didn't get his list the tirade would begin. Heads would roll. 

I'd spent the day working as he had bid me to do while I was not at school.

I thought, "He couldn't see anything around him? I did nothing? Can't you tell around you that everything was done?"

All the pent-up anger, all the hurt, all the frustration and injustice of it exploded out of my mouth.  "Nothing! I just work here! I suppose you're mad now and you want me to go to bed without supper right?!"

Thunder moved across his brow and I knew I was in for it.

I knew I'd better be swift for I was going to get it again so I ran. I thought for sure he was following me so he could reshape my skull!

A pot can only boil for so long before the lid pops off. Such was my fury.

I ran down the street and through the forest again.  This time I ran all the way through until I found myself on the street in front of a store, a small mall just down the hill.

I bent down on my knees breathing fast for a few minutes before I walked over to a bench and sat down. 

My mind turned to what was next, what would be my next move? I wasn't sure.

I couldn't go back there.

I couldn't face more of the same.  I'd had enough. I was finished. I knew it and I knew that if it went on, one of us was going to die.

So I did the only thing I could do.  The only move I could make besides going back there. 

I had a little bit of money in my pocket from babysitting so I walked down the hill to the mall and into a department store. 

Inside, I bought a small pup tent, and sleeping bag and spent the remainder (minus bus fare) on food. For the half-hour ride on the bus, I tried to relax as best as I could and looked out the window at the hazy mountains in the distance. My fingers fidgeted and my knees bounced until my destination came.

I had ridden as far as my bus fare would take me and ended up standing in front of a large park, a big swatch of forest on the outskirts of a neighbouring city.

Going into its green arms seemed less frightening than the place I'd come from. 

I started down the dark path.

After a while, I jumped off the forest path and into the forest...

For the next 6 months, I lived in that forest, in that small tent, stealing food from a grocery store...better.