THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Pondria Leaves the Theater"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
23 total reviews
Comment from --Turtle.
Hey, Jay...
I read through this chapter. Enjoyed it greatly. The characters have a flair that reminds me a bit of on stage performers, in some ways fitting considering that Kyre sees them as performers in his play. Sometimes, I worry the characters turn toward me a few times and look at the reader with the way their dialogue happens. I pull forward the places where I got that sensation.
It's been awhile, and I'm a little rusty to the voice of the book, but I'm rather happy to get to see what unexpected things happens now that Doctrex/Pondria scenes are unfolding.
Last I remember seeing, and I'm going off of memory as jogged by the intro recap... Glnot was attacking, trying to have his people kill Pondria and something about their mother was happening, a smell, Axtilla was dead, but there was an essence of hope teasing him as Kyre was psycologically taunting him. Then the snake on the ceiling.
In this chapter, the continuation... Glnot seems to be coming undone, bleeding, and fighting... Kyre is enjoying the show, and the Doctrex gets pulled under. How far under, by what, and what is real, what is not real... it's all up in the air as the reader gets to maybe see what happens had Doctrex decided to run away with Axtilla instead of sticking around.
I enjoy the quirky details and the uncertanty of what is truly happening, while also being grounded in clear descriptions.
His palms, one bloodied** from covering his wound, clamped over his ears, and that left the blood* to pulse unabated from his side. (blood echoed a bit... I wondered if it might fit to change one or the other... one crimson from covering his wound?)
Drawing in my last gulp of air, I slipped under[,] and down
(suggest you might not need this comma, recheck)
Then, I had chosen the manner with which I would meet death. It was a final dignity I('d) allowed myself.
(I wasn't sure, but I want to suggest this had, even though the rest all occurred in the past too and don't think they all need the had. I suggested this one, unless you mean that the manner of meeting his death something he does on a more absolute scale?)
Suicide honors that final autonomy.
(I liked the reminder of his suicide with a bit of flair on giving himself a challenge )
My descent was jerked to a stop by an abrupt constriction at some unseen center[,] that settled its pressure just beneath my rib cage. (wondered why this comma)
there in the tent, before my breath had exploded from my lungs.
(Some tension as Pondria is running out of time)
The skin crawled away from my fingers, and its grip around my waist loosened. (I thought this was nicely described)
Where was I? [I was]? not in my room.
(Not sure, but I wondered if you need the I was here. I know it's correct, grammatically, but not sure
The wall to the right had a small window cut from it, and white curtains were sashed at each side by (a) blue cord.
(missing 'a')
Behind me(,) metal clanged against metal, then stopped. Then
(maybe a comma here)
acknowledge the voice--that voice--that sweet voice, the voice whose owner I'd have given my life to embrace!
(I wondered here if this was his own mind, oxygen deprived, giving himself a lie to distract from his drownding in snake... or if Glnot was doing this to him, maybe... somehow invading his coming unconsciousness, or if Kyre was somehow continuing to mess with him. His disorientation and slow description of his surroundings works to orient the reader on a changing scene.)
I felt wave after wave of the most profound sadness and then, without turning, I discovered myself overcome by spasms of sobs. (A lot of filter words through the narrative... like felt and discovered. An observation, more than a complaint. Sometimes I wonder if a stronger verb might apply, as the POV is secure. Instead of I felt wave after wave... the: Wave after wave of the most profound sadness (verb)
trailed across his tear-wet(tear-dampened)? mouth.
(nice sort of confusion, you have Doctrex describing Axtilla type features but calling it Kyre, giving the sense of how deep his want to refuse to be tricked into believing it might be her is, if it wasn't. This leaves the reader uncertain if he sees Kyre in drag, pretending to be Axtilla... or if it is Axtilla, and Doctrix just can't believe it, so calls her Kyre)
We've been here."
(So here, I think it's either Axtilla, or some sort of emotional toying with doctrex by either Glnot or Kyre, or Doctrex's own mind)
Brueen that Kyre had manufactured during my grief in finding
(I like the use of this manufactured, in this image here, better than the last time I saw manufactured in this chapter... which was in terms of was manufacturing tears... in that case, way above, I think induced was a better fit. I stepped over that thought though.)
Axtilla's cold, dead body--how real he'd made him.
there." Kyre put a slim finger across my lips. "No, listen, darling.
(consistency with darling/ Darling. check to make sure you keep it consistent... last time, I think it was capitalized)
"Don't you dare do that! {After she left, I followed her back to her room, just the way you had it planned. She was there where you had either convinced her of her} ..."
(I paused here. Doctrex's words here flagged me as a little play-like, in the way the POV turns to the audience to expose details in dialogue, maybe it is the 'after she left' that is pushing this area into feeling expository to me)
"No. No," he said with forced patience. "We escaped the palace just like I begged {that we did}(you to do)?.
{I used every argument I could think of, but you were honorable, and you had your troops. It was only because I thought so completely that your honor had won out, that I left you in your room.} (Here, I am getting a better sense of this is the alternate possibility explored... if Doctrex Had decided to run away with Axtilla instead of letting her go back to her room and kill herself. There is a sense here where I am putting the words in squiggilies... that /Axtilla/Kyre/maybe hallucination/ is turning to the audience a bit to tell us this for our sake, but it does work in cluing me into this being like a different timeline alternative and maybe Doctrex will see his other option and have to choose, again, Or maybe not choose, to face Glnot.
you knew it was the right thing, didn't you(,) Darling?
(missing comma, must fix typo)
he'd woven a few strands of gray in the midst of the brown. (Nice paragraph here, still viewing Axtilla as if she is not, but also giving the impression of her with a few years added on)
"{Remember how frustrated you were in the beginning, telling me you would never be as good a farmer as Klasco? But after seven years of working the soil, planting and harvesting ...}"
(I don't know how to expose this without it feeling so expository, but, here, I got another twinge of this is said for my sake)
my shaggy hair hanging over my ears--Damn! A haircut ....
(Will he start to doubt his current situation? If Kyre can modify Axtilla, he could modify Doctrex too. But the whole end is up in the air for this book. There are lots of option, lots of curiosity to see where it goes.)
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2018
  |
Hey, Jay...
I read through this chapter. Enjoyed it greatly. The characters have a flair that reminds me a bit of on stage performers, in some ways fitting considering that Kyre sees them as performers in his play. Sometimes, I worry the characters turn toward me a few times and look at the reader with the way their dialogue happens. I pull forward the places where I got that sensation.
It's been awhile, and I'm a little rusty to the voice of the book, but I'm rather happy to get to see what unexpected things happens now that Doctrex/Pondria scenes are unfolding.
Last I remember seeing, and I'm going off of memory as jogged by the intro recap... Glnot was attacking, trying to have his people kill Pondria and something about their mother was happening, a smell, Axtilla was dead, but there was an essence of hope teasing him as Kyre was psycologically taunting him. Then the snake on the ceiling.
In this chapter, the continuation... Glnot seems to be coming undone, bleeding, and fighting... Kyre is enjoying the show, and the Doctrex gets pulled under. How far under, by what, and what is real, what is not real... it's all up in the air as the reader gets to maybe see what happens had Doctrex decided to run away with Axtilla instead of sticking around.
I enjoy the quirky details and the uncertanty of what is truly happening, while also being grounded in clear descriptions.
His palms, one bloodied** from covering his wound, clamped over his ears, and that left the blood* to pulse unabated from his side. (blood echoed a bit... I wondered if it might fit to change one or the other... one crimson from covering his wound?)
Drawing in my last gulp of air, I slipped under[,] and down
(suggest you might not need this comma, recheck)
Then, I had chosen the manner with which I would meet death. It was a final dignity I('d) allowed myself.
(I wasn't sure, but I want to suggest this had, even though the rest all occurred in the past too and don't think they all need the had. I suggested this one, unless you mean that the manner of meeting his death something he does on a more absolute scale?)
Suicide honors that final autonomy.
(I liked the reminder of his suicide with a bit of flair on giving himself a challenge )
My descent was jerked to a stop by an abrupt constriction at some unseen center[,] that settled its pressure just beneath my rib cage. (wondered why this comma)
there in the tent, before my breath had exploded from my lungs.
(Some tension as Pondria is running out of time)
The skin crawled away from my fingers, and its grip around my waist loosened. (I thought this was nicely described)
Where was I? [I was]? not in my room.
(Not sure, but I wondered if you need the I was here. I know it's correct, grammatically, but not sure
The wall to the right had a small window cut from it, and white curtains were sashed at each side by (a) blue cord.
(missing 'a')
Behind me(,) metal clanged against metal, then stopped. Then
(maybe a comma here)
acknowledge the voice--that voice--that sweet voice, the voice whose owner I'd have given my life to embrace!
(I wondered here if this was his own mind, oxygen deprived, giving himself a lie to distract from his drownding in snake... or if Glnot was doing this to him, maybe... somehow invading his coming unconsciousness, or if Kyre was somehow continuing to mess with him. His disorientation and slow description of his surroundings works to orient the reader on a changing scene.)
I felt wave after wave of the most profound sadness and then, without turning, I discovered myself overcome by spasms of sobs. (A lot of filter words through the narrative... like felt and discovered. An observation, more than a complaint. Sometimes I wonder if a stronger verb might apply, as the POV is secure. Instead of I felt wave after wave... the: Wave after wave of the most profound sadness (verb)
trailed across his tear-wet(tear-dampened)? mouth.
(nice sort of confusion, you have Doctrex describing Axtilla type features but calling it Kyre, giving the sense of how deep his want to refuse to be tricked into believing it might be her is, if it wasn't. This leaves the reader uncertain if he sees Kyre in drag, pretending to be Axtilla... or if it is Axtilla, and Doctrix just can't believe it, so calls her Kyre)
We've been here."
(So here, I think it's either Axtilla, or some sort of emotional toying with doctrex by either Glnot or Kyre, or Doctrex's own mind)
Brueen that Kyre had manufactured during my grief in finding
(I like the use of this manufactured, in this image here, better than the last time I saw manufactured in this chapter... which was in terms of was manufacturing tears... in that case, way above, I think induced was a better fit. I stepped over that thought though.)
Axtilla's cold, dead body--how real he'd made him.
there." Kyre put a slim finger across my lips. "No, listen, darling.
(consistency with darling/ Darling. check to make sure you keep it consistent... last time, I think it was capitalized)
"Don't you dare do that! {After she left, I followed her back to her room, just the way you had it planned. She was there where you had either convinced her of her} ..."
(I paused here. Doctrex's words here flagged me as a little play-like, in the way the POV turns to the audience to expose details in dialogue, maybe it is the 'after she left' that is pushing this area into feeling expository to me)
"No. No," he said with forced patience. "We escaped the palace just like I begged {that we did}(you to do)?.
{I used every argument I could think of, but you were honorable, and you had your troops. It was only because I thought so completely that your honor had won out, that I left you in your room.} (Here, I am getting a better sense of this is the alternate possibility explored... if Doctrex Had decided to run away with Axtilla instead of letting her go back to her room and kill herself. There is a sense here where I am putting the words in squiggilies... that /Axtilla/Kyre/maybe hallucination/ is turning to the audience a bit to tell us this for our sake, but it does work in cluing me into this being like a different timeline alternative and maybe Doctrex will see his other option and have to choose, again, Or maybe not choose, to face Glnot.
you knew it was the right thing, didn't you(,) Darling?
(missing comma, must fix typo)
he'd woven a few strands of gray in the midst of the brown. (Nice paragraph here, still viewing Axtilla as if she is not, but also giving the impression of her with a few years added on)
"{Remember how frustrated you were in the beginning, telling me you would never be as good a farmer as Klasco? But after seven years of working the soil, planting and harvesting ...}"
(I don't know how to expose this without it feeling so expository, but, here, I got another twinge of this is said for my sake)
my shaggy hair hanging over my ears--Damn! A haircut ....
(Will he start to doubt his current situation? If Kyre can modify Axtilla, he could modify Doctrex too. But the whole end is up in the air for this book. There are lots of option, lots of curiosity to see where it goes.)
Comment Written 18-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 18-Feb-2018
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Turtle, Turtle, Turtle ... you've done it once again! I've made nearly all the changes you suggested. The change (s) I didn't make were in the area of "forced exposition." Not that I won't make them, but at least one of the two will take some manipulation of content. Still, your point was well-taken.
If you took the time (which I'm not hinting for you to do) you'd find I made the changes--to the betterment of the story.
Thank you, Turtle!
Jay
Comment from royowen
This must be hard to write Jay. This episode was starting to play with my head, never mind Doctrex/Pondria, sort of like it would be with s devilish Satan. Very cerebral, the conversation between Kyre/Axtilla and Doctrex is a circular, I guess of Doctex's refusal to submit, can't blame the character however. Well done, excellent work, blesings, Roy
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2018
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This must be hard to write Jay. This episode was starting to play with my head, never mind Doctrex/Pondria, sort of like it would be with s devilish Satan. Very cerebral, the conversation between Kyre/Axtilla and Doctrex is a circular, I guess of Doctex's refusal to submit, can't blame the character however. Well done, excellent work, blesings, Roy
Comment Written 15-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2018
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Thank you, Roy. You can imagine the confused crits I got from those who hadn't read any of the previous chapters.
Bless you, Friend.
Jay
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Blessing Jay,
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Blessing Jay,
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, Jay,
I'm doing reviewing. It takes so damn long. Also, I'm not following this story so I am a bit lost.
Here is some typos (I think -- make sure you do your research on the edits):
I remembered the simulacrum (is it 'simulation'?) of the jelly-bean-popping Viktor Brueen that Kyre had manufactured during my grief in finding Axtilla's cold, dead body--how real he'd made him.
TC,
Nome
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2018
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Hello, Jay,
I'm doing reviewing. It takes so damn long. Also, I'm not following this story so I am a bit lost.
Here is some typos (I think -- make sure you do your research on the edits):
I remembered the simulacrum (is it 'simulation'?) of the jelly-bean-popping Viktor Brueen that Kyre had manufactured during my grief in finding Axtilla's cold, dead body--how real he'd made him.
TC,
Nome
Comment Written 15-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2018
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Hey, Nome. I appreciate your dropping by. Don't even bother trying to understand it at this late stage in the game. I found it next to impossible to give any background before the chapter's beginning. The book casts too long a shadow.
Simulacrum is the word I intended ... as an unreal model of a thing substituting for the original. But it is perhaps too abstract a term for the illustration.
Comment from F. Wehr3
It's nice to see Pondria again, but it's been a long time, lol. I remember Axtilla dying, and the serpent tying to choke the life out of Pondria. So, what happened in between? A dream? Loss of seven years of memory? I guess we'll find out.
same place as his tears." I'm not the same Axtilla.--Just a spacing error with the quotation mark.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2018
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It's nice to see Pondria again, but it's been a long time, lol. I remember Axtilla dying, and the serpent tying to choke the life out of Pondria. So, what happened in between? A dream? Loss of seven years of memory? I guess we'll find out.
same place as his tears." I'm not the same Axtilla.--Just a spacing error with the quotation mark.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 15-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 16-Feb-2018
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Rather than a dream it was more Kyre messin' with Pondria's mind. That's probably a more germane question: What is Kyre's motivation for doing that. The final chapter of Book III should provide an answer. Unless by then I've forgotten the question.
Jay
Comment from LIJ Red
Seven years of sharecropping? A little better'n being dead--maybe. Glad to see you're back on this, Jay. And off to an excellent restart, if you ask me...
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2018
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Seven years of sharecropping? A little better'n being dead--maybe. Glad to see you're back on this, Jay. And off to an excellent restart, if you ask me...
Comment Written 13-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 14-Feb-2018
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Thanks, Red. The chapters truncated. It should have been all in one, but it would have been 5,000 plus words and FS readers have short attention spans. Anyway, thanks for reading and I'm happy you enjoyed it.
Comment from apky
Hello Jay,
Good to have you back posting - you went MIA for a while.
I'm afraid I really had a tough time with this chapter, the first I'm reading of this story. I got caught up in the dream/nightmare and had too much trouble separating narrator from the other protagonists in the story.
Perhaps you could give me a short synopsis?
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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Hello Jay,
Good to have you back posting - you went MIA for a while.
I'm afraid I really had a tough time with this chapter, the first I'm reading of this story. I got caught up in the dream/nightmare and had too much trouble separating narrator from the other protagonists in the story.
Perhaps you could give me a short synopsis?
Comment Written 13-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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It's unfortunate, Aki. I was going to offer a warning, or disclaimer, that the reader who is unfamiliar with at least the last six or seven chapters would have difficulty cracking this one. It is complicated by the fact that I truncated a 5,000 word chapter into two shorter parts because FanStorians notoriously have short attention spans. I'm one of 'em. When you read the second half it should start coming together--and coming not a moment too soon for the end of Book III.
Thank you, though for stumbling through this chapter.
By the way, as a kind of heads up, PLEASE open the Sticky Words Newsletter that I'll post in about a week. I've included a surprise that should give you a chuckle.
Comment from Mistydawn
Wow, what an exciting chapter. Action packed, very suspenseful beginning to end. That was one heck of a nightmare, especially for it to hang on as long as it did.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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Wow, what an exciting chapter. Action packed, very suspenseful beginning to end. That was one heck of a nightmare, especially for it to hang on as long as it did.
Comment Written 13-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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Thank you, Misty. It's nice to know when a chapter resonates with a reader. BTW, I do hope you consider signing up for the Sticky Words Newsletter. It's Free and it's relevant, especially for writers. And I think you'll enjoy the novelette book bundle you get for subscribing. Either way, thanks again for reading Pondria Leaves the Theater.
Jay
Comment from Dopeless Hopefiend
What a wonderful write! I haven't been back on FS for very long, so I am just going through my fanlist and past reviews looking for names I recognize, and of course yours being one of them, I had to stop and check out the new material you were posting. How thankful I am that I did! A truly wonderful expansion on a great story, you have a mighty talent that is complimented by the style in which you write. Easy on the eyes, descriptive, and keeps a good pace, there is nothing here I can criticize. My only wish is that I was familiar with the content that came before it. I will make it my responsibility to familiarize myself with it!
Great job Jay, keep writing, congrats on the publish.
-D.H
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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What a wonderful write! I haven't been back on FS for very long, so I am just going through my fanlist and past reviews looking for names I recognize, and of course yours being one of them, I had to stop and check out the new material you were posting. How thankful I am that I did! A truly wonderful expansion on a great story, you have a mighty talent that is complimented by the style in which you write. Easy on the eyes, descriptive, and keeps a good pace, there is nothing here I can criticize. My only wish is that I was familiar with the content that came before it. I will make it my responsibility to familiarize myself with it!
Great job Jay, keep writing, congrats on the publish.
-D.H
Comment Written 13-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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Bless you, D.H. Voices like yours makes writing worthwhile. Thanks for the six stars to add weight to your kind comments. I do hope you read the shameless commercial for my Sticky Words Newsletter and consider subscribing to it. Free's good and I try to keep it relevant. Only a few days before it posts. ;)
Comment from krprice
Delete unnecessary 'that's'.
Excellent post though I'm not really sure what's going on. It's been so long since you've posted anything in this series.
Karlene
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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Delete unnecessary 'that's'.
Excellent post though I'm not really sure what's going on. It's been so long since you've posted anything in this series.
Karlene
Comment Written 13-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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Hey, Karlene. Couldn't resist the "thats", eh, LOL. I didn't put them through the "find" function this time. As a matter of fact I was rather sloppy and a few readers had to help me with my punctuation and careless nits. I'll work on it for next time. Thanks, Karlene, for being here.
By the way, PLEASE don't forget to open up your February Sticky Words newsletter. I tucked away a little surprise I think you'll get a kick out of discovering. I'll be posting it in about a week, so keep your eyes peeled--regardless of how un-apeeling. LOL, buh-bye, Jay.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I'm glad that you're be published shortly. Once again, your post is very well written and and easy flow of words. Your characters stayed true and it's a good write.
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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I'm glad that you're be published shortly. Once again, your post is very well written and and easy flow of words. Your characters stayed true and it's a good write.
Comment Written 12-Feb-2018
reply by the author on 13-Feb-2018
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Thank you, Barbara. I'm sorry my head's been swimming with other things and I haven't been around to read your fine novel. I'll look for it today. BTW, as kind of a heads up, PLEASE, don't forget to open up your "Sticky Words" newsletter when I post it in about a week. I've got a surprise tucked away in it. I think it'll give you a chuckle.
Blessings,
Jay