THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 32 "... Such a Sweet Life, My Doctrex"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
37 total reviews
Comment from Monto Cheesy
The ending confused me. Did Axtillia die or was she just sitting there in the room? Besides this the ran smoothly and understandably.
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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The ending confused me. Did Axtillia die or was she just sitting there in the room? Besides this the ran smoothly and understandably.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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Not making it conclusive that Axtilla was dead was intentional. But since it formed the basis of a very low rating, please tell me what in the world gave you the idea she was "sitting there in the room."? Out of 37 reviews, yours is the first to read that into it. If you plan to read so sloppily, perhaps as you suggested in your profile, you should remain anonymous.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Oh, Jay, this is not at all what I anticipated. How very sad for him. I'm of course interested in why which will I'm sure be coming out in the next few chapters. This take the story in a whole different direction than I anticipated. Well written and an intriguing change in the story-line. Have a good week, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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Oh, Jay, this is not at all what I anticipated. How very sad for him. I'm of course interested in why which will I'm sure be coming out in the next few chapters. This take the story in a whole different direction than I anticipated. Well written and an intriguing change in the story-line. Have a good week, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 07-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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Thank you, Debbie. Yes, it yanked the rug out from under a lot of readers. But there will be resolution, I promise you. Thanks for reading.
Comment from kimdebfred
Hey Jay, I have not been on here in a while, I enjoyed your story. have you published anything yet? It looks interesting and the wording is perfect. you do a good job and can't wait to read others from you.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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Hey Jay, I have not been on here in a while, I enjoyed your story. have you published anything yet? It looks interesting and the wording is perfect. you do a good job and can't wait to read others from you.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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I REMEMBER YOU! Hey, thanks for dropping by. There are about 6 chapters left of this very long trilogy and then the editing begins. I recently published a short story in a literary magazine called Fabula Argentea. The story's called "The Uneven Zen of Time." You can read it online at www.fabulaargentea.com.
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Thank you, I will definitely look over it.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
LET US PAUSE TO REVIEW, AND TIME HOLDS ONLY, WINNER TAKES ALL, VIOLENCE HOLDS ONLY THE BIRD IN THE BUSH, MAGIC MY WRITER MAY DEATH ONLY BE IN THE VALLEY OF THE GODS, GOOD STUFF WALT
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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LET US PAUSE TO REVIEW, AND TIME HOLDS ONLY, WINNER TAKES ALL, VIOLENCE HOLDS ONLY THE BIRD IN THE BUSH, MAGIC MY WRITER MAY DEATH ONLY BE IN THE VALLEY OF THE GODS, GOOD STUFF WALT
Comment Written 07-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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So many thanks I owe you, Walt, for your endurance in reading this Trilogy. Not too many chapters left and then the real work begins.
Comment from barkingdog
How horribly heart-wrenching, Jay. He was so eager to find her. He never gave up searching (you drew that out beautifully, creating drama).
The shock of her death was overwhelming. His suffering and initial disbelief were tangible. I felt them. Sadness along with a need for revenge filled the page.
Your imagery is brilliant as always. (A torch angled out from each of the four walls, all but one lit, and they sent an array of shadows dancing across the red and gold carpet.)
You captured me and I couldn't stop reading.
:) e
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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How horribly heart-wrenching, Jay. He was so eager to find her. He never gave up searching (you drew that out beautifully, creating drama).
The shock of her death was overwhelming. His suffering and initial disbelief were tangible. I felt them. Sadness along with a need for revenge filled the page.
Your imagery is brilliant as always. (A torch angled out from each of the four walls, all but one lit, and they sent an array of shadows dancing across the red and gold carpet.)
You captured me and I couldn't stop reading.
:) e
Comment Written 07-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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Bless you, Ellen. I am thrilled you enjoyed this chapter so much. As I count, I should have about 6 chapters left before I start the huge edit of all three books of the Trilogy. Thanks for being a part of it.
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Talk about self-flagellation ... editing is it.
Three volumes ... I hope you survive to write three more. That's quite an undertaking. Best of luck. I know it'll be perfect when you finish.
Comment from Sissy
Hi Jay,
This is not my usual genre, but I enjoyed the chapter. Thank goodness for the into to the characters at the bottom. It helped a lot. I still am not sure what exactly is going on here, but I at least understand the bare bones of it.
The chapter had a really nice flow to it. It was fun to read. I read through a couple of times and cut and pasted some stuff below that stood out to me. My reviewing style is still a bit rusty, so please let me know if you have any questions.
Here we go:
with all the cheerful enthusiasm I could muster, hoping the element of comic confusion on the tail end of their startled surprise might buy me another few seconds. (I liked this line)
The unarmed guard spun around, his (need 'his'?) mouth open, brows arched.
Closing my eyes in concentration, I brought both forearms in front of my face, a few inches apart and balled my fists, imagining them as heads, and pressed one forearm into the other. I opened my eyes in time to see the guards sliding, each into the other ('each into the other' made me think there were more than 2. Consider just: 'I opened my eyes in time to see the guards sliding into each other'), as though they were on ice.
At first they seemed dumb-struck (dumbstruck -1 word, dictionary.com), and their hands came up to protect themselves, though not quickly enough to stop the impact of their colliding chests.
Crossing the porch to the front door, I couldn't resist a glance back at them, (kick this comma) whirling about the porch, faces red as tomatoes, mumbling frantically through lips they couldn't open.
A brief smile formed as I entered, but then I pressed my lips tightly together, and I (can kick this 'I') locked the door behind me.
I knocked, waited, then opened the door of a supply room containing sconces and torches. (Consider kicking "containing sconces and torches'. It's a little repetitive since you next describe what is in the closet:) Shelves lined two walls with unused torches stacked on one side and brass sconces, slipped one inside the other, on the opposite side. From the floor, a faint smell of burnt fuel wafted up from the used torches stacked against
Too late--I was too late. I'd refused to listen to her. Whatever Kyre's words were, they('d) terrified her, and she('d) (you may have to adjust this paragraph accordingly) reached out to me. I turned away. We had work to finish before the dawn.
"It still will, Axtilla," I muttered, as I pushed through the dread that weighed me down as much as if I dragged an anchor behind (consider trimming a bit: 'as I pushed through the dread weighing me down as if I dragged...'), and plodded up the rest of the stairs to the landing.
. "Axtilla!" I half-shouted as I raced, in full-grin, past the bird and settee to the door, flung it open, took a step inside, staggered and fell to my knees, grasping onto the foot-post of the bed to steady myself. (consider breaking into two. A bit long.)
Her once lovely amber irises were now only a thin gold ring surrounding the black of her dilated pupils; (consider a dash versus a semicolon here. The second part after the semicolon is not a complete sentence.) each like a sun in full eclipse.
With a sigh, I used the edge of my forefinger to lower her eyelids, and I (kick this 'I') gazed down on a now(-? not sure) sleeping Axtilla.
Take care,
Sissy
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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Hi Jay,
This is not my usual genre, but I enjoyed the chapter. Thank goodness for the into to the characters at the bottom. It helped a lot. I still am not sure what exactly is going on here, but I at least understand the bare bones of it.
The chapter had a really nice flow to it. It was fun to read. I read through a couple of times and cut and pasted some stuff below that stood out to me. My reviewing style is still a bit rusty, so please let me know if you have any questions.
Here we go:
with all the cheerful enthusiasm I could muster, hoping the element of comic confusion on the tail end of their startled surprise might buy me another few seconds. (I liked this line)
The unarmed guard spun around, his (need 'his'?) mouth open, brows arched.
Closing my eyes in concentration, I brought both forearms in front of my face, a few inches apart and balled my fists, imagining them as heads, and pressed one forearm into the other. I opened my eyes in time to see the guards sliding, each into the other ('each into the other' made me think there were more than 2. Consider just: 'I opened my eyes in time to see the guards sliding into each other'), as though they were on ice.
At first they seemed dumb-struck (dumbstruck -1 word, dictionary.com), and their hands came up to protect themselves, though not quickly enough to stop the impact of their colliding chests.
Crossing the porch to the front door, I couldn't resist a glance back at them, (kick this comma) whirling about the porch, faces red as tomatoes, mumbling frantically through lips they couldn't open.
A brief smile formed as I entered, but then I pressed my lips tightly together, and I (can kick this 'I') locked the door behind me.
I knocked, waited, then opened the door of a supply room containing sconces and torches. (Consider kicking "containing sconces and torches'. It's a little repetitive since you next describe what is in the closet:) Shelves lined two walls with unused torches stacked on one side and brass sconces, slipped one inside the other, on the opposite side. From the floor, a faint smell of burnt fuel wafted up from the used torches stacked against
Too late--I was too late. I'd refused to listen to her. Whatever Kyre's words were, they('d) terrified her, and she('d) (you may have to adjust this paragraph accordingly) reached out to me. I turned away. We had work to finish before the dawn.
"It still will, Axtilla," I muttered, as I pushed through the dread that weighed me down as much as if I dragged an anchor behind (consider trimming a bit: 'as I pushed through the dread weighing me down as if I dragged...'), and plodded up the rest of the stairs to the landing.
. "Axtilla!" I half-shouted as I raced, in full-grin, past the bird and settee to the door, flung it open, took a step inside, staggered and fell to my knees, grasping onto the foot-post of the bed to steady myself. (consider breaking into two. A bit long.)
Her once lovely amber irises were now only a thin gold ring surrounding the black of her dilated pupils; (consider a dash versus a semicolon here. The second part after the semicolon is not a complete sentence.) each like a sun in full eclipse.
With a sigh, I used the edge of my forefinger to lower her eyelids, and I (kick this 'I') gazed down on a now(-? not sure) sleeping Axtilla.
Take care,
Sissy
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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And you say you're rusty! LOL, you haven't lost your touch. Much of it I agree with, especially the over-use of the "I's". Some things I need to mull over, like the long sentence you mentioned. That was intentional, in order to convey his excitement initially, then (when it got choppy with the commas), to show his horror. I liked your suggestion about too much mention of the torches and sconces. I'll make some changes there.
All in all, thanks, Sissy for your close read.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hmmm, I wonder if Axtilla will stay dead? Seems to be a lot of energy spent chasing her, adoring her ... that right after they went and spent that special alone time together, it's quite sad to see her dead. Very dramatic stuff. One thing I will say is sticking with me after reading through this chapter, I really, really think you need a catalyst image before Doctrex-Pondria's reaction. All the emotion without the catalyst leaves me as a reader standing there waiting/ less interested in the reaction and more interested with what has caused the reaction that I don't know, I end up filling in the blanks with ridiculous stuff.
What I mean... say if I'm walking down the street, and I SEE someone freaking out... I will have reactions to his reactions. But if I am closer to someone... near their POV and they are reacting and I don't know why I'm not with them, I am looking around for causes ... the reaction is a ghost curiosity. sigh, I'm not explaining this right.
I think you need to give readers like me a catalyst image before Doctrex-Pondria's reaction. I could be completely wrong. I honestly can admit to not knowing what people want when they read.
A delicate wrist dangling off the bed ... something, even confirmation of her presence... my eyes beheld Axtilla, my Axtilla and then the reactions; I nearly bypassed all of Doctrex's mourning because I wasn't sure what he was actually mourning about.
Other thing I thought, If I was Kryle, I'd kill Axtilla too... serious distraction to Pondria. Dude can't focus on his task, he's obsessed. Now if Kryle was feeling kind, maybe he doesn't have to actually kill Axtilla to accomplish this, enough distraction! Maybe it's enough to have Pondria think the task is done. Well see. Who knows, this whole adventure could be in the wing of a nut house, I am waiting to find out.
Real irony would be if this change is the consequence of messing with the mojo...
Other than that and a few commas I'm questioning, a few sentences I'm pulling forward for maybe additional checking, this was an exciting and dramatic chapter. Keeping the reader on their toes and breaking poor Pondria's heart.
my full height. "Gentlemen," I said[,] with all the cheerful enthusiasm I
Five feet away [from his partner], the other guard's hand flew reflexively to his sword handle. (a little confusing to me... because ... maybe pronoun confusion, maybe the modifier is dangling a bit.)
Closing my eyes in concentration, I brought both forearms in front of my face[ a few inches apart] and balled my fists, imagining them as heads, and pressed(bumped?) one forearm into the other. (I read, dissected, reread and ... I had to read this sentence many times and I didn't come away with a clear image, other than ... he brought his forearms up. Ah! It took me forever, the forearms represent the guards bumping into each other. Hmm... Maybe delete the few inches apart
bottom. "Gentlemen," I said, to an inattentive audience, "how can you
I couldn't resist a glance back at them, whirling about the porch[,](with)? faces red as tomatoes, mumbling frantically through lips they couldn't open.
my head with[,] at the expense of its victims. The guards' eyes were
"Axtilla," I called out[,] in a soft, tentative voice, something in me not
I knocked at the second door. It opened to a cleaning supply room[,] filled with buckets, brooms, mops and sundry rags, neatly folded.
"It still will, Axtilla," I muttered, as I pushed through the dread that weighed me down as much as if I dragged an anchor behind, and plodded up the rest of the stairs to the landing.
(This sentence reads clunky. Consider revising, wordy?)
again, waited another moment and then stared at the doorknob. (noticed some inconsistency in this chapter... sometimes I saw door knob and here I saw doorknob. Looks like you might have a door knob that need fixing to doorknob?)
hopped from one end of the settee's arm to the other[,] as though it
bird and settee to the door, flung it open, took a step inside, staggered and fell to my knees, grasping onto the foot-post of the bed to steady myself. (I never was one who liked the reaction before some stimulus. I prefer a glint of something... otherwise it comes off as dramatics that have no reason. Maybe consider a flicker of something that he is made aware of to clue the reader in ... A limp wrist... a Some thing.
"No, no, nooooooo!" I howled, letting go of the bedpost and falling to my elbows and knees[,] like I'd been clubbed.
(I am not with Doctrex when this is happening. I am outside of the room watching him mourn. I think this device works better on others than me, but when leaving my imagination blank, a man opening a door and then watching him react... when it's in his POV... I see an open window... maybe a note that says, went to store, be right back... maybe two left shoes... which means that Axtilla ran away wearing two right shoes. He is reacting, and I don't have the slightest clue to what.
eyes off Axtilla, looking instead at the floor.
(So Axtilla must be dead or something... or wearing two right shoes.
I'd ever hear from her.
(so she killed herself, for ... reasons. I'm curious, but also in a semi - book throwing mood. )
Scrambling to my knees, I whipped around[,] and blindly launched my
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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Hmmm, I wonder if Axtilla will stay dead? Seems to be a lot of energy spent chasing her, adoring her ... that right after they went and spent that special alone time together, it's quite sad to see her dead. Very dramatic stuff. One thing I will say is sticking with me after reading through this chapter, I really, really think you need a catalyst image before Doctrex-Pondria's reaction. All the emotion without the catalyst leaves me as a reader standing there waiting/ less interested in the reaction and more interested with what has caused the reaction that I don't know, I end up filling in the blanks with ridiculous stuff.
What I mean... say if I'm walking down the street, and I SEE someone freaking out... I will have reactions to his reactions. But if I am closer to someone... near their POV and they are reacting and I don't know why I'm not with them, I am looking around for causes ... the reaction is a ghost curiosity. sigh, I'm not explaining this right.
I think you need to give readers like me a catalyst image before Doctrex-Pondria's reaction. I could be completely wrong. I honestly can admit to not knowing what people want when they read.
A delicate wrist dangling off the bed ... something, even confirmation of her presence... my eyes beheld Axtilla, my Axtilla and then the reactions; I nearly bypassed all of Doctrex's mourning because I wasn't sure what he was actually mourning about.
Other thing I thought, If I was Kryle, I'd kill Axtilla too... serious distraction to Pondria. Dude can't focus on his task, he's obsessed. Now if Kryle was feeling kind, maybe he doesn't have to actually kill Axtilla to accomplish this, enough distraction! Maybe it's enough to have Pondria think the task is done. Well see. Who knows, this whole adventure could be in the wing of a nut house, I am waiting to find out.
Real irony would be if this change is the consequence of messing with the mojo...
Other than that and a few commas I'm questioning, a few sentences I'm pulling forward for maybe additional checking, this was an exciting and dramatic chapter. Keeping the reader on their toes and breaking poor Pondria's heart.
my full height. "Gentlemen," I said[,] with all the cheerful enthusiasm I
Five feet away [from his partner], the other guard's hand flew reflexively to his sword handle. (a little confusing to me... because ... maybe pronoun confusion, maybe the modifier is dangling a bit.)
Closing my eyes in concentration, I brought both forearms in front of my face[ a few inches apart] and balled my fists, imagining them as heads, and pressed(bumped?) one forearm into the other. (I read, dissected, reread and ... I had to read this sentence many times and I didn't come away with a clear image, other than ... he brought his forearms up. Ah! It took me forever, the forearms represent the guards bumping into each other. Hmm... Maybe delete the few inches apart
bottom. "Gentlemen," I said, to an inattentive audience, "how can you
I couldn't resist a glance back at them, whirling about the porch[,](with)? faces red as tomatoes, mumbling frantically through lips they couldn't open.
my head with[,] at the expense of its victims. The guards' eyes were
"Axtilla," I called out[,] in a soft, tentative voice, something in me not
I knocked at the second door. It opened to a cleaning supply room[,] filled with buckets, brooms, mops and sundry rags, neatly folded.
"It still will, Axtilla," I muttered, as I pushed through the dread that weighed me down as much as if I dragged an anchor behind, and plodded up the rest of the stairs to the landing.
(This sentence reads clunky. Consider revising, wordy?)
again, waited another moment and then stared at the doorknob. (noticed some inconsistency in this chapter... sometimes I saw door knob and here I saw doorknob. Looks like you might have a door knob that need fixing to doorknob?)
hopped from one end of the settee's arm to the other[,] as though it
bird and settee to the door, flung it open, took a step inside, staggered and fell to my knees, grasping onto the foot-post of the bed to steady myself. (I never was one who liked the reaction before some stimulus. I prefer a glint of something... otherwise it comes off as dramatics that have no reason. Maybe consider a flicker of something that he is made aware of to clue the reader in ... A limp wrist... a Some thing.
"No, no, nooooooo!" I howled, letting go of the bedpost and falling to my elbows and knees[,] like I'd been clubbed.
(I am not with Doctrex when this is happening. I am outside of the room watching him mourn. I think this device works better on others than me, but when leaving my imagination blank, a man opening a door and then watching him react... when it's in his POV... I see an open window... maybe a note that says, went to store, be right back... maybe two left shoes... which means that Axtilla ran away wearing two right shoes. He is reacting, and I don't have the slightest clue to what.
eyes off Axtilla, looking instead at the floor.
(So Axtilla must be dead or something... or wearing two right shoes.
I'd ever hear from her.
(so she killed herself, for ... reasons. I'm curious, but also in a semi - book throwing mood. )
Scrambling to my knees, I whipped around[,] and blindly launched my
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2016
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Please tell me you got my answer for this review! I took about a half hour writing it. It was more to tell you I'm pasting (I have already) it into my folder for the deep tissue edit after the promotion ends. Yours, Alex's and another person's that go into such depth it wasn't something I could use for cosmetic changes.
You are so awesome!
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I did get this reply, but I think the gremlins ate your other one... I am just glad that my comments are helpful, you have a cool way of writing memorable scenes. Thanks for being awesome yourself. You even write great thank yous.... : )
Comment from F. Wehr3
Damn, Jay. What did you just do? I am shocked, dumbfounded, bewildered...They just found each other. Well, so much for romance,lol. I don't know what your going to do next. Can't wait to find out.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Damn, Jay. What did you just do? I am shocked, dumbfounded, bewildered...They just found each other. Well, so much for romance,lol. I don't know what your going to do next. Can't wait to find out.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 06-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Everyone's blaming me. It was Kyre, dammit, Kyre! Excuse me, the Almighty Kyre (in case he's listening).
Comment from GWHARGIS
Well ... I was not expecting that. No sir. I, too, said No! aloud. I was as much angry, fooled, and upset as Doctrex. I could sense the betrayal that Pondria felt. He's still Doctrex to me. Lol. Great chapter. Gretchen
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Well ... I was not expecting that. No sir. I, too, said No! aloud. I was as much angry, fooled, and upset as Doctrex. I could sense the betrayal that Pondria felt. He's still Doctrex to me. Lol. Great chapter. Gretchen
Comment Written 05-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, Gretchen, for your involvement in this. I was especially touched you relate to Doctrex.
Comment from Word Junkie
Hi Jay,
So, Axtilla's gone. I can't say I'm sorry. I didn't particularly like, or trust her. Now Doctrex can concentrate on what needs to be done. Of course, it's always possible the story will take a twist, and Axtilla won't actually be dead. That's to be seen, of course.
This is a good chapter, and you handled the grieving scene well. I made notes as I read--suggestions, of course. Take or shake all.
*********************
At first they seemed dumb-struck,[dumbstruck, one word] and their hands came up to protect themselves,[for "came up to protect themselves, (stiff) consider ... flew up or rose or?] though not quickly enough to stop the impact of their colliding chests.
as each labored not to look at each[suggest: the for "each" here] other.
I gave the door[omit door] knob a slow turn
"Axtilla!" I half-shouted as I raced, in full-grin, past the bird [Full-grin? I didn't understand this.]
grasping onto the foot-post of the bed to steady myself. [footpost, bedpost, etc. - one word, I think: https://www.google.com/#q=footpost+furniture+define]
I got up to my knees [I pushed myself to my knees -or- I got up on my knees]
on the other foot-post
**********************
Well done, and write on!
Lana
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Hi Jay,
So, Axtilla's gone. I can't say I'm sorry. I didn't particularly like, or trust her. Now Doctrex can concentrate on what needs to be done. Of course, it's always possible the story will take a twist, and Axtilla won't actually be dead. That's to be seen, of course.
This is a good chapter, and you handled the grieving scene well. I made notes as I read--suggestions, of course. Take or shake all.
*********************
At first they seemed dumb-struck,[dumbstruck, one word] and their hands came up to protect themselves,[for "came up to protect themselves, (stiff) consider ... flew up or rose or?] though not quickly enough to stop the impact of their colliding chests.
as each labored not to look at each[suggest: the for "each" here] other.
I gave the door[omit door] knob a slow turn
"Axtilla!" I half-shouted as I raced, in full-grin, past the bird [Full-grin? I didn't understand this.]
grasping onto the foot-post of the bed to steady myself. [footpost, bedpost, etc. - one word, I think: https://www.google.com/#q=footpost+furniture+define]
I got up to my knees [I pushed myself to my knees -or- I got up on my knees]
on the other foot-post
**********************
Well done, and write on!
Lana
Comment Written 05-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2016
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Lana, you've come up with some amazing stuff. Thank you. Yours is one of three (so far) that is going to be stuffed, in-mass into my folder for the final edit. I don't want you to think I'm refusing to make any of your suggested changes. I'll wait until the promotion's over to study them all.
