THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 27 "Educating Chiel"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
33 total reviews
Comment from Sis Cat
Reading this, Jay, is like dining on the meal Doctrex and Chiel ate. Your words is a feast of smells, tastes, textures, sights, and sounds. This is storytelling that gets under my skin and tongue. Here are some examples of passages I enjoyed because I can see them:
"He removed the metal lid off one of the two covered bowls, and it released a ghost-swirl of meat-scented steam . . ."
"He speared it on the end of his tines, brushed off some of the rice that adhered to the bottom of it, and brought it to his mouth where it disappeared between his lips. He closed his eyes; a smile formed, even as he chewed."
The reason why I am impressed by this chapter is because I am in the middle of a month of performances for Black History Month where my script employs a pared down style that moves quickly and is sparse of details. After such a diet, I enjoy your feast of words even more when you bring out all of the bells and whistles of details. This is nothing short of breathtaking and magical, although I know you employed a lot of talent and imagination.
Thank you, once again, for sharing and daring.
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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Reading this, Jay, is like dining on the meal Doctrex and Chiel ate. Your words is a feast of smells, tastes, textures, sights, and sounds. This is storytelling that gets under my skin and tongue. Here are some examples of passages I enjoyed because I can see them:
"He removed the metal lid off one of the two covered bowls, and it released a ghost-swirl of meat-scented steam . . ."
"He speared it on the end of his tines, brushed off some of the rice that adhered to the bottom of it, and brought it to his mouth where it disappeared between his lips. He closed his eyes; a smile formed, even as he chewed."
The reason why I am impressed by this chapter is because I am in the middle of a month of performances for Black History Month where my script employs a pared down style that moves quickly and is sparse of details. After such a diet, I enjoy your feast of words even more when you bring out all of the bells and whistles of details. This is nothing short of breathtaking and magical, although I know you employed a lot of talent and imagination.
Thank you, once again, for sharing and daring.
Comment Written 06-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 07-Feb-2016
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I feel so honored and blessed that you've been so kind and generous with your rating, of course, but your words, especially. The very part you enjoyed so much was what I felt I would receive the most criticism from. It felt right so I did it. Only one reviewer felt it was excessive. One word of praise from you would erase 10 other complaints. Thank you my dear friend.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Hi, Jay,. This made me very hungry, right up until the grubs. Now, not so much. Well written as always, my friend. Hope you are getting a lot of writing done. I think Katie Jo may be working on something to post soon. Have a great week,my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2016
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Hi, Jay,. This made me very hungry, right up until the grubs. Now, not so much. Well written as always, my friend. Hope you are getting a lot of writing done. I think Katie Jo may be working on something to post soon. Have a great week,my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 03-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2016
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I'll be looking forward to Katie Jo's post. Meanwhile, thanks for reading mine. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Robert Louis Fox
Hi Jay
I found myself having to wade through the part where Chiel is handling the serving tray. Can't say anything about it being bad writing, the sequence is just lacking a sense of importance. There's no apparent tension or conflict. Perhaps a bit of foreshadowing to add suspense? For example, the mundane becomes a lot more interesting if we know there's a spy or a microphone in the room.
It's good that you start the clock ticking with the revelation that the assault could come during the wedding. A deadline is a good element for creating suspense.
Your cliffhanger works well. Keep up the good work! Best regards, BobFox
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2016
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Hi Jay
I found myself having to wade through the part where Chiel is handling the serving tray. Can't say anything about it being bad writing, the sequence is just lacking a sense of importance. There's no apparent tension or conflict. Perhaps a bit of foreshadowing to add suspense? For example, the mundane becomes a lot more interesting if we know there's a spy or a microphone in the room.
It's good that you start the clock ticking with the revelation that the assault could come during the wedding. A deadline is a good element for creating suspense.
Your cliffhanger works well. Keep up the good work! Best regards, BobFox
Comment Written 03-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2016
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Thanks, Rob, for confirming my fear of that very part you were concerned about. Strangely, you are the only one to mention it. Others mentioned the sensuousness of the food imagery and the humor in the tree grubs. But I need to follow my own inner rumblings, especially when one I admire so has the same misgivings. I appreciate your candor, friend.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this chapter, enjoyed, I left remembering that the details of the meal were specifically sorted, giving good motion and visual placement of Doctrex and Chiel during their engagement. Chiel continues for me to be whole heartedly into his cause, though maybe not all stable, and a little green in capabilities. As always, the writing is solid, and I give my impressions of where I paused as I read along.
He'd certainly remember that.
(Good use of inner contemplation to touch back details and show that Doctrex is coming up with his letter in the background of his mind)
Chiel {came through the door*}(entered the room) bearing a tray on his shoulder. He reached his foot back and closed the door*. The tray scarcely moved. He smiled. "General Doctrex, sir."
(consistency, why sir versus Sir? Also, you have a slight 'door' echo... why not let him enter the room and close the door, instead of saying came through the door, closed the door?)
Finally, he maneuvered both around to make room for the two serving spoons, the eating plate and the silverware[,]? wrapped in a gold-colored cloth napkin. (this might be a dangling modifier... not sure. I want to say this technically reads as if Cheil is wrapped in a gold colored napkin.)
He bent his huge frame down to(and) put the tray on the floor.
(suggesting, because to does not imply did)
I chuckled. "Go ahead, stab away."
(I get uncomfortable around Chiel, sometimes, but I still note a bit of instability about him. Emotional shifts and a simplicity that might be deceiving. That's just my lingering impression of him)
Having a stringy texture, it was unexpectedly tart,
(I'm not sure about this because the two do not seem related. Mixed modifier...I thought, unrelated modifier squished in... couldn't figure how did the stringy texture make it tart?)
I asked him to put them on the foot of the bed[,] and returned
(suggest no comma)
"It's a kind of tree grub, half the size you see here. When we lay
(mmmm extra protein...)
"I think we need to understand the coordination[,] you spoke to
(why that comma, I wondered.)
told when the time is right. They'll get those orders from me."
(A chapter that moves the plot forward toward a big battle, I'm thinking)
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2016
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Hi, Jay,
I read through this chapter, enjoyed, I left remembering that the details of the meal were specifically sorted, giving good motion and visual placement of Doctrex and Chiel during their engagement. Chiel continues for me to be whole heartedly into his cause, though maybe not all stable, and a little green in capabilities. As always, the writing is solid, and I give my impressions of where I paused as I read along.
He'd certainly remember that.
(Good use of inner contemplation to touch back details and show that Doctrex is coming up with his letter in the background of his mind)
Chiel {came through the door*}(entered the room) bearing a tray on his shoulder. He reached his foot back and closed the door*. The tray scarcely moved. He smiled. "General Doctrex, sir."
(consistency, why sir versus Sir? Also, you have a slight 'door' echo... why not let him enter the room and close the door, instead of saying came through the door, closed the door?)
Finally, he maneuvered both around to make room for the two serving spoons, the eating plate and the silverware[,]? wrapped in a gold-colored cloth napkin. (this might be a dangling modifier... not sure. I want to say this technically reads as if Cheil is wrapped in a gold colored napkin.)
He bent his huge frame down to(and) put the tray on the floor.
(suggesting, because to does not imply did)
I chuckled. "Go ahead, stab away."
(I get uncomfortable around Chiel, sometimes, but I still note a bit of instability about him. Emotional shifts and a simplicity that might be deceiving. That's just my lingering impression of him)
Having a stringy texture, it was unexpectedly tart,
(I'm not sure about this because the two do not seem related. Mixed modifier...I thought, unrelated modifier squished in... couldn't figure how did the stringy texture make it tart?)
I asked him to put them on the foot of the bed[,] and returned
(suggest no comma)
"It's a kind of tree grub, half the size you see here. When we lay
(mmmm extra protein...)
"I think we need to understand the coordination[,] you spoke to
(why that comma, I wondered.)
told when the time is right. They'll get those orders from me."
(A chapter that moves the plot forward toward a big battle, I'm thinking)
Comment Written 03-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 04-Feb-2016
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You came in and did your legerdemain, Turtle. I made all the changes you suggested. Thank you so much for your close read and good eye!
Chiel {came through the door*}(entered the room) [Took care of the capped Sir and the suggestion about the door echo. Good advice.]
wrapped in a gold-colored cloth napkin. [added "which was" before "wrapped"]
He bent his huge frame down to(and) put [Good eye! Changed.]
Anything involving commas it's a slam-dunk. I add or remove.
Comment from Selina Stambi
I've missed dear Doctrex, Jsy. I keep hoping he'll end up with his lady love. (That's for me to guess and for you NOT to tell, right?)
I've also missed a couple of chapters, I see.
A good read. The meal sounds yummy. As for those grubs ... :)
Sonali
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2016
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I've missed dear Doctrex, Jsy. I keep hoping he'll end up with his lady love. (That's for me to guess and for you NOT to tell, right?)
I've also missed a couple of chapters, I see.
A good read. The meal sounds yummy. As for those grubs ... :)
Sonali
Comment Written 02-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 03-Feb-2016
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All I can tell you about ending up with his lady love is ... no I can't even tell you that. You'll have to keep reading. LOL, thanks, though, for reading. I understand time constraints.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Excellent continuation, Jay. The thot plickens!
(running through my mind) which situations Braims Glassem would remember of our points of contact. - wonder if 'pondering' might work here?
"At this rate, I'll die of starvation, not poisoning." - great line.
I tried not to think about how juicy they were. "I'll remember next time." YUK!!!
"Well," I said, "There're you and Bips. - should really be 'there's yourself and Bips'.
Can't wait to see how all this is going to play out. You do tease, Jay.
Av
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
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Excellent continuation, Jay. The thot plickens!
(running through my mind) which situations Braims Glassem would remember of our points of contact. - wonder if 'pondering' might work here?
"At this rate, I'll die of starvation, not poisoning." - great line.
I tried not to think about how juicy they were. "I'll remember next time." YUK!!!
"Well," I said, "There're you and Bips. - should really be 'there's yourself and Bips'.
Can't wait to see how all this is going to play out. You do tease, Jay.
Av
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
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Are you sure of the agreement above, Av? The AND makes it plural whether I use "yourself" or you. At least I think I'm right. I'll make note of it and check it out later. Thank you for pointing it out, though. I'm sure others will back you up when they read it--unless *throwing back his shoulders* I'm right ...
Bless you, my friend.
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I'm pretty certain 'There are you' (even contracted) isn't correct. If you're referring to the factions, you can then say 'There's yours and Bips. Otherwise... But check it, by all means! I might be wrong. :)
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OOOOOOOOH, I'll let you know right away, dear friend ... well, unless I'm wrong. In that case, it will take a little longer to get that news to you. Hee-hee.
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Well, if I'm wrong, take your time letting me know. LOL! Oh, okay. Rub it in and with salt. ;)
Comment from Dashjianta
Hi Jay. I enjoyed this one--it brought a lighter mood after all the tension of the previous chapters. I especially liked the way you showed Chiel's reaction when Doctrex said about reaching a mutual understanding and when Doctrex explains what he meant. I also liked the way Doctrex mistook the grubs for rice--adds a nice touch of humour. Strong ending too, with Doctrex declaring he can bring the army into play.
Suggestions:
I continued sitting at the table after Rhuether had gone
--Does Doctrex have a thing he does when he's thinking? (Pacing, fidgeting, humming, that type of thing.) Something to add some movement to the opening of the scene.
running through my mind which situations Braims Glassem would remember of our points of contact.
--stumbled a bit on this, because I'd normally expect to see it written the other way around (running which situations Braims Glassem would remember of our points of contact through my mind.) OR just drop 'my mind'.
I immediately thought of one.
--Do you need this?
with me to try to rescue Eele Jessip
--drop 'to try' for reduced word count. (And do you need to mention the exact number of men at this point?)
I was searching my mind for other personal connections with Braims when three soft raps clicked against the door.
--Rather than say "I was..." you could follow his thoughts more directly to make it more active. eg "What else? (Insert thinking action.) There was that time--" And then the knocks interrupt.
"Kitchen service, Sir."...I recognized the voice. "Come in."
--What's he feeling at this point? Any anticipation/fear at the knocks? Maybe an irrational wish that it's Axtilla? And any relaxing/disappointment when he recognises Chiel's voice?
"General Doctrex, (S)sir."
--To match the other 'Sir's.
Rising, he repeated me. "A mutual understanding."
--Delete 'me' and change the full stop to a comma for better flow.
"Oh, no(,) Doctrex, remember?"
Closing his eyes, a smile formed, even as he chewed.
--Is the first half of this missing a subject? I'm thinking the 'even as he chewed' is an independent clause, but I'm not sure.
He pointed, and not waiting for my response, swooped it up and into his waiting mouth.
--Move the first comma to after the 'and'?
It was spicier than the meat from last night; while it was tasty, the residual burning sensation blanketed the base of the throat
--An 'and/but' might work better than the semicolon here.
chewing it after the spicy meat, muted the back-throat burning.
--Delete comma.
"I think we need to understand the coordination, you spoke to me of earlier,
--Delete the first comma. Also delete 'to me' for better flow.
"Factions?" Chiel asked.
--Any visual queues you could add here? eg: a frown or a questioning glance at Bips.
I'll have to check my books
--He writes it down? Isn't that risky? Maybe something Doctrex could question at some stage.
as we hope--" Here he shared a glance with Bips-- "we hope you will be."
--I think the dashes either both have to be inside the quotes, at the point where the dialogue stops then starts, or both outside, either side of the interruption.
or their stands and business(es)
wholly unprepared to further your cause.
--That's quite a big assumption, somewhat justified by Bips reaction, but I wonder if Chiel would protest the utter dismissal. Maybe mention a communication system that would allow quick assembly, or that they all train in secret when they can. Yup--still not enough, by a long way--but Chiel strikes me as someone who wouldn't want Doctrex to see him as completely incompetent.
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2016
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Hi Jay. I enjoyed this one--it brought a lighter mood after all the tension of the previous chapters. I especially liked the way you showed Chiel's reaction when Doctrex said about reaching a mutual understanding and when Doctrex explains what he meant. I also liked the way Doctrex mistook the grubs for rice--adds a nice touch of humour. Strong ending too, with Doctrex declaring he can bring the army into play.
Suggestions:
I continued sitting at the table after Rhuether had gone
--Does Doctrex have a thing he does when he's thinking? (Pacing, fidgeting, humming, that type of thing.) Something to add some movement to the opening of the scene.
running through my mind which situations Braims Glassem would remember of our points of contact.
--stumbled a bit on this, because I'd normally expect to see it written the other way around (running which situations Braims Glassem would remember of our points of contact through my mind.) OR just drop 'my mind'.
I immediately thought of one.
--Do you need this?
with me to try to rescue Eele Jessip
--drop 'to try' for reduced word count. (And do you need to mention the exact number of men at this point?)
I was searching my mind for other personal connections with Braims when three soft raps clicked against the door.
--Rather than say "I was..." you could follow his thoughts more directly to make it more active. eg "What else? (Insert thinking action.) There was that time--" And then the knocks interrupt.
"Kitchen service, Sir."...I recognized the voice. "Come in."
--What's he feeling at this point? Any anticipation/fear at the knocks? Maybe an irrational wish that it's Axtilla? And any relaxing/disappointment when he recognises Chiel's voice?
"General Doctrex, (S)sir."
--To match the other 'Sir's.
Rising, he repeated me. "A mutual understanding."
--Delete 'me' and change the full stop to a comma for better flow.
"Oh, no(,) Doctrex, remember?"
Closing his eyes, a smile formed, even as he chewed.
--Is the first half of this missing a subject? I'm thinking the 'even as he chewed' is an independent clause, but I'm not sure.
He pointed, and not waiting for my response, swooped it up and into his waiting mouth.
--Move the first comma to after the 'and'?
It was spicier than the meat from last night; while it was tasty, the residual burning sensation blanketed the base of the throat
--An 'and/but' might work better than the semicolon here.
chewing it after the spicy meat, muted the back-throat burning.
--Delete comma.
"I think we need to understand the coordination, you spoke to me of earlier,
--Delete the first comma. Also delete 'to me' for better flow.
"Factions?" Chiel asked.
--Any visual queues you could add here? eg: a frown or a questioning glance at Bips.
I'll have to check my books
--He writes it down? Isn't that risky? Maybe something Doctrex could question at some stage.
as we hope--" Here he shared a glance with Bips-- "we hope you will be."
--I think the dashes either both have to be inside the quotes, at the point where the dialogue stops then starts, or both outside, either side of the interruption.
or their stands and business(es)
wholly unprepared to further your cause.
--That's quite a big assumption, somewhat justified by Bips reaction, but I wonder if Chiel would protest the utter dismissal. Maybe mention a communication system that would allow quick assembly, or that they all train in secret when they can. Yup--still not enough, by a long way--but Chiel strikes me as someone who wouldn't want Doctrex to see him as completely incompetent.
Comment Written 02-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 05-Feb-2016
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Thank you for the meatiness of this review, Alex. OF course I love the help with commas and the nitties, but you have given me a lot of ammunition for making significant changes, especially your last suggestion: "wholly unprepared to further your cause.
--That's quite a big assumption, somewhat justified by Bips reaction," AND YOU ARE RIGHT ON THAT. IT WAS NOT VERY SOUND PSYCHOLOGICALLY. I'LL HAVE TO LOOK THAT OVER.
I had to paste your comments to Word and use them for the next edit since the suggested changes don't always involve a word or a comma here and there. But I did make those obvious corrections.
Again, Alex, thank you so very much!
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My pleasure. You, Tessa Kay, and JJ make the time spent reviewing worthwhile because you all want the comments and whatnot, AND I get to enjoy a good story at the same time.
PS: Forgot to say, the chapter number's wrong (10032--stupid FS bug.)
Comment from Gloria ....
As always superior writing, Jay.
A ghost-swirl of meat-scented steam? Hmmm hmmm yes'm that sounds delicious.
Your writing is so remarkably smooth I have absolutely no suggestions for improvement, except more please.
I hope your book hawking is going well and that I will see you on Chapters shelves very soon. I will sip a Starbucks and read this all afternoon.
Exceptional every time dear Jay. :))
Gloria
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
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As always superior writing, Jay.
A ghost-swirl of meat-scented steam? Hmmm hmmm yes'm that sounds delicious.
Your writing is so remarkably smooth I have absolutely no suggestions for improvement, except more please.
I hope your book hawking is going well and that I will see you on Chapters shelves very soon. I will sip a Starbucks and read this all afternoon.
Exceptional every time dear Jay. :))
Gloria
Comment Written 02-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
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Thank you, Gloria. You make me blush, and at this age that's a tribute. Magazines, Gloria. I won't be promoting my trilogy until at least Book I is edited satisfactory. Work! Meanwhile, I got accepted by a literary journal for that short story about the old dude. Not much money, but a chance it might be a part of their annual anthology. Kinda happy!
Comment from robyn corum
oh, no! Not during the wedding! First of all, you don't destroy a lovely wedding - even one to the worst human on earth -- think of all the planning and work and FLOWERS that have gone into it! Second - how will we findout what Doctorex has planned for the moment of giving the bride away? And how will our two characters find their LooOooVVee? Now, you've got me all up in the air. Until next time!
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
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oh, no! Not during the wedding! First of all, you don't destroy a lovely wedding - even one to the worst human on earth -- think of all the planning and work and FLOWERS that have gone into it! Second - how will we findout what Doctorex has planned for the moment of giving the bride away? And how will our two characters find their LooOooVVee? Now, you've got me all up in the air. Until next time!
Comment Written 01-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
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I want the reader up in the air. Stay in your basket. I'll call you down when it's time.
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EEEEEE-vil
Comment from F. Wehr3
Things are starting to ramp up here. I liked the progress in this piece, and I look forward to the coming altercation. I wonder what Doctrex has up his sleeve. Nice work, Jay.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
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Things are starting to ramp up here. I liked the progress in this piece, and I look forward to the coming altercation. I wonder what Doctrex has up his sleeve. Nice work, Jay.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 01-Feb-2016
reply by the author on 02-Feb-2016
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Many, many thanks, Russell. Glad you're staying tuned. BTW, got one of my short stories accepted by a literary journal.
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Wow! That is great! Good for you, my friend.
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Hey, I just put out a story that you haven't read. It will not appear in your inbox.
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That doesn't make sense. Why wouldn't it show in my inbox? That's what I follow people for.
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It's not a new release.
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How can you post something that's not a new release? I'm confused.
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Lol, Jay. You can re-post any story you have. Let's say you wanted to start at the beginning of your novel to attract more readers. Just go to promote this and you can.
I think there is a time limit because there is a revive posting as well, but that maybe for works older than two years, just a guess.
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For a buck and a penny, I'll read it. It looks familiar, though. I'm going by the picture.
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You read part two, and they do have the same picture.
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Gotcha! I've pulled it up, but it'll be later today before I get to it.
