THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Doctrex Sets the Hook"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
36 total reviews
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Hi, Jay. This is a great chapter. That magic is certainly powerful stuff. I really like the ending here. You are so very creative, my friend. Hope you are getting lots of writing done. Take care~Debbie
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Hi, Jay. This is a great chapter. That magic is certainly powerful stuff. I really like the ending here. You are so very creative, my friend. Hope you are getting lots of writing done. Take care~Debbie
Comment Written 14-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Glad you're enjoying this chapter, Debbie. I know that fantasy isn't your cup of java. So thanks.
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I like it when it is well done such as yours, my friend~Debbie
Comment from Selina Stambi
This is a complex sometimes convoluted story, Jay. And yet so fascinating. I haven't been able to follow as I'd like to.
Well done! Happy New Year to you, friend.
Sonali
room, secrete himself in the shrubbery ... secrete ... did you mean secret? Or SecretE?
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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This is a complex sometimes convoluted story, Jay. And yet so fascinating. I haven't been able to follow as I'd like to.
Well done! Happy New Year to you, friend.
Sonali
room, secrete himself in the shrubbery ... secrete ... did you mean secret? Or SecretE?
Comment Written 13-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Hey, Sonali. You are so kind for the six. Thanks so much. Yes, I meant secrete : verb (used with object), secreted, secreting.
1.
to place out of sight; hide; conceal:
squirrels secreting nuts in a hollow tree trunk.
But I really think I'm gonna stop using it. You were kind enough to point it out (you out of about four reviewers since I've used this over the last three or four years here). I'm afraid of the readers who DON'T ask me, but instead think, "What an idiot who has his character oozing out behind that bush!" Again, thanks. You're an asset!
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I went into your link about the dashes, Jay. I'm absolutely gobsmacked (as the Brits would say!). I had no idea ... and on what planet?? Thanks for the info. Chuckles
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I wasn't aware that this was how it was spelt - like 'ooze'. I thought the verb was 'secret'. Just checked the dic. You, sir, are right! Yikes - gobsmacked again!!
Comment from Shirley McLain
Excellent chapter and as always, I enjoyed reading it. It was active and suspenseful. It kept me reading to the last word. You did a very good job. I didn't see a thing to change. Shirley
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Excellent chapter and as always, I enjoyed reading it. It was active and suspenseful. It kept me reading to the last word. You did a very good job. I didn't see a thing to change. Shirley
Comment Written 13-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Thanks, Shirley. Glad you could stop by and enjoy it.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squire,
Nice, but not so captivating. Main story line seems to have got lost in the muddle of too much descriptive parts. I feel so.
Wording is impressive.
Character List will certainly be helpful to the readers/reviewers in judging the things properly.
I'm waiting for the next part.
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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Hello Jay Squire,
Nice, but not so captivating. Main story line seems to have got lost in the muddle of too much descriptive parts. I feel so.
Wording is impressive.
Character List will certainly be helpful to the readers/reviewers in judging the things properly.
I'm waiting for the next part.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jan-2016
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That's okay. If you don't have high praise, I'll settle for candidness. LOL, Glad you read it anyway. It was an important chapter to show how Doctrex/Pondria has slowly manipulated Rhuether.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay,
I read through this chapter, I like the interaction with these two, there is a good mix of action details in the dialogue, and the dialogue through this chapter, the name exchanging felt natural/ value-added, (didn't draw my notice) The sense of confident brother/ gullible brother was still there, but what Doctrex is setting the foundation for, I have a better sense, by use of example with the barrister and his bride/ her father. Nice continuation)
shuddered, and forced a gasping inhale.
(nice physical cue... my first instinct was to wonder if a forced shudder would be enough to entice the what, without the extra gasp. Maybe a fake wince/ shudder? the only reason I mention is cause, the gasp gives me the impression of imminent danger, or inconvenience. not reflected horrors. Gasp, I have a flat tire. Shudder... I remember walking outside and finding a flat tire. Wince... there was once a dead squirrel on my windshield. Gasp, I'm about to hit a squirrel! I might just need more understanding of the kind of gasp, but I paused on the gasp.)
their assignments, with F(f)?ather and daughter in their room and the groom in his room. I
(Suggest, Not capital F in this case... because consistency. Because he's not calling him the name 'Father' he's implying 'the' even though it isn't said.)
see, the barrister, who was trained[,]? by education and the daily practice of his career[,]? to be skeptical, had taken his associates'
(suggest removing these commas else it gets choppy, I thought it interrupting an interrupt that could be continuous without confusion)
"All died. The barrister outside their window, {just as I had later pieced it together,}(wouldn't it be known then that the barrister was outside their window? I don't think this is needed here, but you think on it. My reason, it slowed me down, and it was already stated earlier what was pieced together by hearsay) the bride-to-be and her father, charred while still in their chairs."
"Mojo, Glnot. Mojo. Its justice is exact,(.) The barrister was killed
Rhuether sucked in air between his teeth until his jaw muscles trembled. He wrapped his arms around himself.
(I like the sucking air between his teeth, I wasn't sure about the trembling jaw, but I accepted it because Glnot is a odd duck.)
"The question is whether you feel the severity?" I touched my chest with my index finger. "Here?"
(Nice continued physical communication details, I like it though maybe because it's interupting the sentence:
"The question is whether you feel the severity..." I touched my chest with my index finger, "here?"
I'm not sure about that... I just wanted to let you consider it for what you thought... because after severity... that's not a question, it's a statement of what the question is. )
"But do you have voices just the same? It's part of the risk."
(A nice way to head off the desire to bypass the rules Doctrex makes up if he wants to do something.)
What if those feelings return?'"
(I liked the flow of where the discussion is going with this. The bits and pieces are solidifying on what Doctrex is securing)
thighs, tears splashing to the floor.
(Glnot is an emotionally unstable guy. Makes him unpredictable. He sure finds the prospect of Axtilla's loyalties faltering funny. Reader knows better, but do they)
"Well ..." I smiled[,]? and put my hand on his forearm.
He cupped his other hand over mine [that rested on his arm].
(I don't think the 'that rested on his arm is needed..' found it awkward, and already implied because of what immediately happened beforehand... above)
air so suddenly I thought he'd choke on it. "I love you."
(Glnot is so odd, and that makes it hard to read him for sure, as in how sincere he is. He's not clearly not comfortable about saying it, but is it because he doesn't mean it, or because he means it soo much... I kind of hope he's selling his own con in the mix too. (but as you probably know, I love complication atop of complications. So far, it looks like Doctrex is playing Glnot hook, line, sinker, and the kitchen bathtub. But there is a nice simplicity in it, mixed truths and superstitions.)
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2016
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Hi Jay,
I read through this chapter, I like the interaction with these two, there is a good mix of action details in the dialogue, and the dialogue through this chapter, the name exchanging felt natural/ value-added, (didn't draw my notice) The sense of confident brother/ gullible brother was still there, but what Doctrex is setting the foundation for, I have a better sense, by use of example with the barrister and his bride/ her father. Nice continuation)
shuddered, and forced a gasping inhale.
(nice physical cue... my first instinct was to wonder if a forced shudder would be enough to entice the what, without the extra gasp. Maybe a fake wince/ shudder? the only reason I mention is cause, the gasp gives me the impression of imminent danger, or inconvenience. not reflected horrors. Gasp, I have a flat tire. Shudder... I remember walking outside and finding a flat tire. Wince... there was once a dead squirrel on my windshield. Gasp, I'm about to hit a squirrel! I might just need more understanding of the kind of gasp, but I paused on the gasp.)
their assignments, with F(f)?ather and daughter in their room and the groom in his room. I
(Suggest, Not capital F in this case... because consistency. Because he's not calling him the name 'Father' he's implying 'the' even though it isn't said.)
see, the barrister, who was trained[,]? by education and the daily practice of his career[,]? to be skeptical, had taken his associates'
(suggest removing these commas else it gets choppy, I thought it interrupting an interrupt that could be continuous without confusion)
"All died. The barrister outside their window, {just as I had later pieced it together,}(wouldn't it be known then that the barrister was outside their window? I don't think this is needed here, but you think on it. My reason, it slowed me down, and it was already stated earlier what was pieced together by hearsay) the bride-to-be and her father, charred while still in their chairs."
"Mojo, Glnot. Mojo. Its justice is exact,(.) The barrister was killed
Rhuether sucked in air between his teeth until his jaw muscles trembled. He wrapped his arms around himself.
(I like the sucking air between his teeth, I wasn't sure about the trembling jaw, but I accepted it because Glnot is a odd duck.)
"The question is whether you feel the severity?" I touched my chest with my index finger. "Here?"
(Nice continued physical communication details, I like it though maybe because it's interupting the sentence:
"The question is whether you feel the severity..." I touched my chest with my index finger, "here?"
I'm not sure about that... I just wanted to let you consider it for what you thought... because after severity... that's not a question, it's a statement of what the question is. )
"But do you have voices just the same? It's part of the risk."
(A nice way to head off the desire to bypass the rules Doctrex makes up if he wants to do something.)
What if those feelings return?'"
(I liked the flow of where the discussion is going with this. The bits and pieces are solidifying on what Doctrex is securing)
thighs, tears splashing to the floor.
(Glnot is an emotionally unstable guy. Makes him unpredictable. He sure finds the prospect of Axtilla's loyalties faltering funny. Reader knows better, but do they)
"Well ..." I smiled[,]? and put my hand on his forearm.
He cupped his other hand over mine [that rested on his arm].
(I don't think the 'that rested on his arm is needed..' found it awkward, and already implied because of what immediately happened beforehand... above)
air so suddenly I thought he'd choke on it. "I love you."
(Glnot is so odd, and that makes it hard to read him for sure, as in how sincere he is. He's not clearly not comfortable about saying it, but is it because he doesn't mean it, or because he means it soo much... I kind of hope he's selling his own con in the mix too. (but as you probably know, I love complication atop of complications. So far, it looks like Doctrex is playing Glnot hook, line, sinker, and the kitchen bathtub. But there is a nice simplicity in it, mixed truths and superstitions.)
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2016
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A definitive review, Turtle. It's why your intuitive approach is so valuable to me. I made just about every change you suggested. My writing is improved by it. Thank you so much.
Comment from Sis Cat
Wow. Smooth. The animation of your dialogue impressed me here. It conveyed character and action. Nonverbal gestures and expressions helped me see the characters. You establish a tone of dread with the Mojo which can have severe consequences and with Axtilla who is probably sporting a dagger for Pondria. Writing shows boundless creativity. Your fantasy felt real.
One spag: "he bet they were in (their) room right now."
I really enjoy reading your writing closely to examine and study how you put it together. I view reviewing as a learning experience. I always learn something about writing from your posts. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Wow. Smooth. The animation of your dialogue impressed me here. It conveyed character and action. Nonverbal gestures and expressions helped me see the characters. You establish a tone of dread with the Mojo which can have severe consequences and with Axtilla who is probably sporting a dagger for Pondria. Writing shows boundless creativity. Your fantasy felt real.
One spag: "he bet they were in (their) room right now."
I really enjoy reading your writing closely to examine and study how you put it together. I view reviewing as a learning experience. I always learn something about writing from your posts. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Ha! Andre you got me good with that nit! I rarely mix up there/their. I'm glad you enjoyed this in spite of "Mojo". That will get changed in the book's final edit. Meanwhile, thank you so much for the 6 stars.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Another good chapter. I think I missed one here recently and was a little confused.
I found one SPAG. She has her assignment(,) and I have mine. I couldn't copy and paste your sentence into the review box. Don't know what that is about.
All the best,
Russell
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Another good chapter. I think I missed one here recently and was a little confused.
I found one SPAG. She has her assignment(,) and I have mine. I couldn't copy and paste your sentence into the review box. Don't know what that is about.
All the best,
Russell
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Thanks for spotting that, Russell. I'll try to track it down and take care of it.
Comment from Dashjianta
Ah-ha. It all makes sense now. Doctrex has, hopefully, bought himself and Axtilla some time to talk alone together, though with it being so close to the marriage, it doesn't give them a long time to plan--although Axtilla may have planned something already.
I'm wondering how Chiel's group is going to come into things, and also if Doctrex will get any word about what's going on with the armies. And will Doctrex decide to go exploring at some point, or will he continue his act of a model prisoner?
Suggestions:
"What?" he said(asked).
"Yes, because he loved her. I understand. I know."
--Would a wistful or distracted look work here, to show he's thinking of Axtilla? And, if so, an internal reaction from Doctrex would probably be needed too.
"Yes, I gave them each a copy of their mantras
--Use a full stop instead of comma?
than I doubt he even realized.
--'ever' rather than 'even'?
he bet they were in there (their) room right now
I took a room at a nearby inn, within sight of the estate(,) and awaited the next morning
"Mojo ...(,)" Rhuether whispered
Through my own grin, I said, "So that's not likely then?"
--I wonder if, hereish, you could inject what Doctrex feels about Glnot's reaction. Is there any doubt left, or is he more impressed by how good an act Axtilla's managed?
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2016
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Ah-ha. It all makes sense now. Doctrex has, hopefully, bought himself and Axtilla some time to talk alone together, though with it being so close to the marriage, it doesn't give them a long time to plan--although Axtilla may have planned something already.
I'm wondering how Chiel's group is going to come into things, and also if Doctrex will get any word about what's going on with the armies. And will Doctrex decide to go exploring at some point, or will he continue his act of a model prisoner?
Suggestions:
"What?" he said(asked).
"Yes, because he loved her. I understand. I know."
--Would a wistful or distracted look work here, to show he's thinking of Axtilla? And, if so, an internal reaction from Doctrex would probably be needed too.
"Yes, I gave them each a copy of their mantras
--Use a full stop instead of comma?
than I doubt he even realized.
--'ever' rather than 'even'?
he bet they were in there (their) room right now
I took a room at a nearby inn, within sight of the estate(,) and awaited the next morning
"Mojo ...(,)" Rhuether whispered
Through my own grin, I said, "So that's not likely then?"
--I wonder if, hereish, you could inject what Doctrex feels about Glnot's reaction. Is there any doubt left, or is he more impressed by how good an act Axtilla's managed?
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 15-Jan-2016
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Many thanks, Alex. The grammar concerns I took care of. The suggestions about character reaction I pasted in my folder to consider later, since they could prove time consuming. Thanks, as usual, for taking such a close look at my prose.
Comment from Scarbrems
Well, I've not read other chapters of this, so thanks for the little precis in the author's notes. On this showing, I will be digging through back chapters. I am intrigued. I can see the shape of your plot and characters, well defined and intricate. I look forward to reading more.
Emma
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Well, I've not read other chapters of this, so thanks for the little precis in the author's notes. On this showing, I will be digging through back chapters. I am intrigued. I can see the shape of your plot and characters, well defined and intricate. I look forward to reading more.
Emma
Comment Written 12-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Many thanks, Emma. I'm so happy you chose to read this. Hope you do get a chance to sample a few back chapters.
Comment from Writingfundimension
'I gave each of them a copy of their mantras at the beginning of their assignment. Mojo magic infused these words.'
What a great imagination you have, Jay. Though the idea of words having power isn't, per se, a new concept, you weave this esoteric idea into the story line beautifully.
For your consideration:
'Why, he bet they were in there (their) room(?s) right now..."
'but after last night, I feel more for your safety.' This looked a bit ackward to me, Jay. Do you mean that he's more (concerned) for Doctrex's safety'?
Ah, the plot continues to move very well toward your planned conclusion. Though what that is, only you know!
Great job, as always.
Bev
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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'I gave each of them a copy of their mantras at the beginning of their assignment. Mojo magic infused these words.'
What a great imagination you have, Jay. Though the idea of words having power isn't, per se, a new concept, you weave this esoteric idea into the story line beautifully.
For your consideration:
'Why, he bet they were in there (their) room(?s) right now..."
'but after last night, I feel more for your safety.' This looked a bit ackward to me, Jay. Do you mean that he's more (concerned) for Doctrex's safety'?
Ah, the plot continues to move very well toward your planned conclusion. Though what that is, only you know!
Great job, as always.
Bev
Comment Written 11-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2016
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Thank you, Bev. Glad you caught that there/their. That's an embarrassing nit. I'll check into the others especially that awkward one. Perhaps, "I feel more worried for your safety." Oh, that's what you said. I knew that came too easily. Thanks for reading it Bev. Blessings.
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You're very welcome, Jay. Extra sets of eyes are always appreciated by me. :) Bev