THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 26 "Sparks Kindled: Fire or Ash"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
31 total reviews
Comment from redrocklover
I liked the intrigue between Doctrex and Axtilla that emerged at the end of your chapter. It makes me wonder if Glnot is truly clueless as to what is going on. This was another interesting chapter in the ongoing saga.
Linda
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2015
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I liked the intrigue between Doctrex and Axtilla that emerged at the end of your chapter. It makes me wonder if Glnot is truly clueless as to what is going on. This was another interesting chapter in the ongoing saga.
Linda
Comment Written 26-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 28-Nov-2015
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THanks, Linda. No, I think Rhuether is too much in love to be observant. I appreciate your questions and your interest.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi Jay,
The first time I read this, I did so just to read it, all my critting pens down, as I just wanted to know what was going to happen with Doctrex seeing Axtilla again, I found his concern about his appearance endearing... his distraction believable. I was amused with the guard's pointing out the importance with the chef... any more subtle there and he might have had to hit Doctrex over the head with a frying pan that said 'the chef guy is important' ... so if the chef isn't important, I'll be disappointed and confused.
So, on to my thoughts:
I pulled myself up, (let?) my legs dangling(dangle) over the side, got my trousers from the bedpost, pushed my legs through, hopped off the bed, and hiked them up to my waist. (confusing... the way it is written, he was lying with his legs dangling before he pulled himself up? I think you mean that after he pulled himself up, then his legs were dangling? not sure... I thought to myself... is the modifier dangling with his legs. maybe.)
water on my face, gargling, and running my wet fingers through my hair, I saw he
(I liked the impressions his hurried primping gave for me. A guy worried about his appearance to see a woman he cares about, with him talking himself into believing her part in her upcoming marriage is all for show, but not a certainty about it.)
He walked ahead of me[,] with a relaxed, easy gait, opened the door, standing
(strongly recommend deleting this comma)
The carpet, a lavish gold and red brocade(,) cushioned our tread.
(suggest adding this other end of the interrupt comma)
right where, from the sound of it, [ ]a great deal of activity abounded, some
(Not important, but extra space is hiding here)
A good name to remember."
(I smiled at this, I will remember)
He pushed open the door, gingerly, and from my position in the hall, and out of sight to the occupants, I heard his heels click.
(I paused on this sentence. Who is out of sight to the occupants? I think Doctrex... though why the interrupt to tell this with an and. maybe delete the second and? I'm not sure. From my position in the hall, one that was out of sight to the occupants, I heard his heels click. ? From my position, in the hall and out of sight to the occupants, I heard his heels click.... maybe move the comma to keep the and?)
I first took in her eyes(,) which she made stern by tightening the tiny muscles
(suggesting comma here)
which I counted on not being for Rhuether.
(a nice confusing examination on Axtilla... since all her cues of not being against Doctrex are supplied from inside Doctrex's perception. I don't know if his is wishful thinking, or actual truth... but the fine line keeps my eyes opened for any clues)
my attention to Axtilla[,] while still speaking to him, and adopted a confused
(mildly suggest deleting this comma)
Will that do?" I crossed in front of her line of vision[,] and ventured a glimpse at
(wondered why this comma... not really needed, forced a pause when it might be smoother without the pause)
Because I omitted his title?
(You contradicted him, Doctrex... not very nice to do with an Almighty...)
I stepped to the side and let the mid-aged, uniformed man[,] pull out the chair. I
(strongly recommend deleting this comma.... separating subject from verb)
She still lifted and dropped her silverware onto her open napkin.
(morse code?)
nearly to my knee before it began its agonizingly slow descent.
(someone is playing footsy....)
enjoyed the fullness of its discovery a little more than he intended.
(Unless Doctrex is play footsie with Glnot, now that would be something. For some reason, I think Axtilla is trying to warn Doctrex... but is failing miserably. I thought here... sigh... Men.)
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Hi Jay,
The first time I read this, I did so just to read it, all my critting pens down, as I just wanted to know what was going to happen with Doctrex seeing Axtilla again, I found his concern about his appearance endearing... his distraction believable. I was amused with the guard's pointing out the importance with the chef... any more subtle there and he might have had to hit Doctrex over the head with a frying pan that said 'the chef guy is important' ... so if the chef isn't important, I'll be disappointed and confused.
So, on to my thoughts:
I pulled myself up, (let?) my legs dangling(dangle) over the side, got my trousers from the bedpost, pushed my legs through, hopped off the bed, and hiked them up to my waist. (confusing... the way it is written, he was lying with his legs dangling before he pulled himself up? I think you mean that after he pulled himself up, then his legs were dangling? not sure... I thought to myself... is the modifier dangling with his legs. maybe.)
water on my face, gargling, and running my wet fingers through my hair, I saw he
(I liked the impressions his hurried primping gave for me. A guy worried about his appearance to see a woman he cares about, with him talking himself into believing her part in her upcoming marriage is all for show, but not a certainty about it.)
He walked ahead of me[,] with a relaxed, easy gait, opened the door, standing
(strongly recommend deleting this comma)
The carpet, a lavish gold and red brocade(,) cushioned our tread.
(suggest adding this other end of the interrupt comma)
right where, from the sound of it, [ ]a great deal of activity abounded, some
(Not important, but extra space is hiding here)
A good name to remember."
(I smiled at this, I will remember)
He pushed open the door, gingerly, and from my position in the hall, and out of sight to the occupants, I heard his heels click.
(I paused on this sentence. Who is out of sight to the occupants? I think Doctrex... though why the interrupt to tell this with an and. maybe delete the second and? I'm not sure. From my position in the hall, one that was out of sight to the occupants, I heard his heels click. ? From my position, in the hall and out of sight to the occupants, I heard his heels click.... maybe move the comma to keep the and?)
I first took in her eyes(,) which she made stern by tightening the tiny muscles
(suggesting comma here)
which I counted on not being for Rhuether.
(a nice confusing examination on Axtilla... since all her cues of not being against Doctrex are supplied from inside Doctrex's perception. I don't know if his is wishful thinking, or actual truth... but the fine line keeps my eyes opened for any clues)
my attention to Axtilla[,] while still speaking to him, and adopted a confused
(mildly suggest deleting this comma)
Will that do?" I crossed in front of her line of vision[,] and ventured a glimpse at
(wondered why this comma... not really needed, forced a pause when it might be smoother without the pause)
Because I omitted his title?
(You contradicted him, Doctrex... not very nice to do with an Almighty...)
I stepped to the side and let the mid-aged, uniformed man[,] pull out the chair. I
(strongly recommend deleting this comma.... separating subject from verb)
She still lifted and dropped her silverware onto her open napkin.
(morse code?)
nearly to my knee before it began its agonizingly slow descent.
(someone is playing footsy....)
enjoyed the fullness of its discovery a little more than he intended.
(Unless Doctrex is play footsie with Glnot, now that would be something. For some reason, I think Axtilla is trying to warn Doctrex... but is failing miserably. I thought here... sigh... Men.)
Comment Written 25-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Many thanks (AS USUAL) for your astute judgments on this chapter. I took care of all the comma suggestions. Which is a problem. I understand them so little that the next one who comes along (with some degree of authority)and tells me to remove the one I had just added at your request, I'll probably do it. Same with the dangling modifiers. Did you teach English grammar? You're good!
Comment from Lesley Collier
An intriguing chapter of a general's visit to rescue his beloved from the grasps of a ruthless emperor who is forcing her into marriage. Meeting with the emperor and his lost love, Axtillia, he plots a way to destroy the emperor and reclaim his captured love. Very well written with an extremely interesting plot!
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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An intriguing chapter of a general's visit to rescue his beloved from the grasps of a ruthless emperor who is forcing her into marriage. Meeting with the emperor and his lost love, Axtillia, he plots a way to destroy the emperor and reclaim his captured love. Very well written with an extremely interesting plot!
Comment Written 25-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Many thanks, Lesley, for the six stars, but also for the kind compliments. I appreciate you and hope you come back for the next chapters.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Another good chapter to The Trining, Jay.
some 30 yards away (spell out thirty?)
You and I have a lot of irons in our writing fires, don't we. I can never stay on one subject/story for long. Take care, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Another good chapter to The Trining, Jay.
some 30 yards away (spell out thirty?)
You and I have a lot of irons in our writing fires, don't we. I can never stay on one subject/story for long. Take care, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 25-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Thank you for your keen eye, Debbie. I made the change. Now it's perfect, LOL.
Comment from ciliverde
Interesting chapter, the young man who guided Doctrex to the dinner had something in mind, which seemed like a desire to help somehow, although it's unclear how - at this point. I liked that tailor I hope he's not in trouble. Oh I found this unusual: "Somehow, over time, her eyes transformed in size and color, though I had no recollection of when." How would her eyes change? This seems significant but I can't guess why.
...and sure enough, she's not devoted to Glnot...thank goodness! I'm not really surprised :)
Carol
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Interesting chapter, the young man who guided Doctrex to the dinner had something in mind, which seemed like a desire to help somehow, although it's unclear how - at this point. I liked that tailor I hope he's not in trouble. Oh I found this unusual: "Somehow, over time, her eyes transformed in size and color, though I had no recollection of when." How would her eyes change? This seems significant but I can't guess why.
...and sure enough, she's not devoted to Glnot...thank goodness! I'm not really surprised :)
Carol
Comment Written 24-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Hey, Carol. In the first few chapters, either Doctrex saw a different Axtilla or his injuries caused him to not see things as they were.
Comment from Gloria ....
Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen? And you were getting on me about numbers? Cluck, cluck, Jay. Ha. We couldn't live without numbers.
I feel sheepish offering a review as I haven't followed your entire novel, but what the hell. This is a superbly delineated chapter with lots of "showing" narrative descriptions. I was particularly fond of the china.
Exceptionally clear and lean writing as always, Jay.
Gloria
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen? And you were getting on me about numbers? Cluck, cluck, Jay. Ha. We couldn't live without numbers.
I feel sheepish offering a review as I haven't followed your entire novel, but what the hell. This is a superbly delineated chapter with lots of "showing" narrative descriptions. I was particularly fond of the china.
Exceptionally clear and lean writing as always, Jay.
Gloria
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Mustn't apologize ... You are my 26th review. You know what that means, my dear. ATB. Now if you didn't read the one before this, Axtilla vs. Pondria, and you want your 2 cents worth, it will boost it up to ATB as well. Thank you, Gloria. You are da bomb!
Comment from GWHARGIS
Love the mysterious communication between Doctrex's escort and him. I am left to wonder what exactly he was hinting at. Axtella is definitely up to something. Glad she is back in the story, though I don't know what she is up to. Good chapter. Grrtchen
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Love the mysterious communication between Doctrex's escort and him. I am left to wonder what exactly he was hinting at. Axtella is definitely up to something. Glad she is back in the story, though I don't know what she is up to. Good chapter. Grrtchen
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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It has been a long time since you've read this novel, hasn't it Gretchen. Thank you so much for jumping aboard. It means so much to me.
Comment from boxergirl
You continue yo amaze with with your descriptive details. I could so see Bip's actions and yours as you put on your socks. Also happy to see foot action between Axtilla and Doctrex. :-)
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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You continue yo amaze with with your descriptive details. I could so see Bip's actions and yours as you put on your socks. Also happy to see foot action between Axtilla and Doctrex. :-)
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Thanks, Karen. I tried to leave off the close detail of him putting on his pants. Shoes I figured were okay. LOL, thanks for reading. I'm so happy you are enjoying it.
Comment from Neonewman
What an amazingly mesmerizing piece of artwork you have chosen here Jay! I mean it is electrifying. This is a very well crafted piece you have delivered and the character list certainly adds to the flavor!
God bless!
Steve
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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What an amazingly mesmerizing piece of artwork you have chosen here Jay! I mean it is electrifying. This is a very well crafted piece you have delivered and the character list certainly adds to the flavor!
God bless!
Steve
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 25-Nov-2015
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Thanks so much, Steve. I'm happy you enjoyed it. I was kind of fetched by the artwork as well. I just picked "abstract lovers" on Google Images.
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Love it when that happens! My pleasure Jay!
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
I rather like First Order Bips of the Palace Guards, with his spot-on actions - so well described, firing our imagination.
I first took in her eyes which she made stern by tightening the tiny muscles around them, rendering them unblinkingly fixed on the wall across from her. I'd be walking through its chill on the way to my seat. - great lines
to see a tall young man[,] in proper military attire, standing at rigid - lose the comma after man
the right where, from the sound of it, (a) great deal of activity abounded - added "a"
"What's down that hall[,](?)" I asked. - question-mark
"That's the kitchen(,) sir," - comma
"I think 'Axtilla' will be fine[,](;) do you agree, darling?" - semi-colon
"You get them all." - Might this be a question????
ah, so Axtilla's playing footsie under the table.
such an enjoyable chapter, Jay - my last six is yours.
Margaret
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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I rather like First Order Bips of the Palace Guards, with his spot-on actions - so well described, firing our imagination.
I first took in her eyes which she made stern by tightening the tiny muscles around them, rendering them unblinkingly fixed on the wall across from her. I'd be walking through its chill on the way to my seat. - great lines
to see a tall young man[,] in proper military attire, standing at rigid - lose the comma after man
the right where, from the sound of it, (a) great deal of activity abounded - added "a"
"What's down that hall[,](?)" I asked. - question-mark
"That's the kitchen(,) sir," - comma
"I think 'Axtilla' will be fine[,](;) do you agree, darling?" - semi-colon
"You get them all." - Might this be a question????
ah, so Axtilla's playing footsie under the table.
such an enjoyable chapter, Jay - my last six is yours.
Margaret
Comment Written 23-Nov-2015
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2015
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Bless you, Margaret, for the six. Bless you even more for your spot on catches. It doesn't matter how often I read and reread ...