THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Traitorous Percy's Thready Contrail"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
23 total reviews
Comment from Walter L. Jones
wandering to pages in mind escape as the doctor imulates my presence, well done as always a path down a curing road. the move continues into reality written with a mind drifting. Enjoy a great deal, Walt
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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wandering to pages in mind escape as the doctor imulates my presence, well done as always a path down a curing road. the move continues into reality written with a mind drifting. Enjoy a great deal, Walt
Comment Written 24-Mar-2016
reply by the author on 24-Mar-2016
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This was a fun one to right, though it took so much intensive time. Thanks for rewarding it with a six!
Comment from Dashjianta
Good morning Jay. Sorry to be so late getting to this. I had the bright idea of tidying up my laptop's HD and upgrading software, then spent the next couple of days getting it to boot up again. Doh.
Anyway...on with the review:
You have some wonderful descriptions in this chapter--I especially like the play of light and shadow over the creatures, and the description of the bullfrog (which put me in mind of Zarbs). Liked the image of Percy doing his celebration too, and the mime he did trying to convince Doctrex to sleep.
Doctrex's feeble attempts to shoo Percy away are well written and entertaining. Am thinking now he's falling asleep he'll be finding out who Percy really is.
Suggestions:
and just a moment ago on Percy's lenses. (and) whose eye, just then, seemed
--I've probably only picked up on this, because it's something I've been trying to cut from my own work, but these two 'just's stuck out at me. I think you could remove the first one without losing anything, then the second will flow better because it'd then be the only one in those opening paras.
You had merely tried to get me to see what was there.
--Delete the 'had'?
then zipped down to light at knee-level.
--Should it be 'alight' rather than 'light'?
I noticed, only from the configuration of the threads(,) that he had altered his odd circumgyration.
--OR take out the first comma.
performed a feat of aerial acrobatics, which I figured as his final coup de grace(,) and shot straight up toward the ceiling.
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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Good morning Jay. Sorry to be so late getting to this. I had the bright idea of tidying up my laptop's HD and upgrading software, then spent the next couple of days getting it to boot up again. Doh.
Anyway...on with the review:
You have some wonderful descriptions in this chapter--I especially like the play of light and shadow over the creatures, and the description of the bullfrog (which put me in mind of Zarbs). Liked the image of Percy doing his celebration too, and the mime he did trying to convince Doctrex to sleep.
Doctrex's feeble attempts to shoo Percy away are well written and entertaining. Am thinking now he's falling asleep he'll be finding out who Percy really is.
Suggestions:
and just a moment ago on Percy's lenses. (and) whose eye, just then, seemed
--I've probably only picked up on this, because it's something I've been trying to cut from my own work, but these two 'just's stuck out at me. I think you could remove the first one without losing anything, then the second will flow better because it'd then be the only one in those opening paras.
You had merely tried to get me to see what was there.
--Delete the 'had'?
then zipped down to light at knee-level.
--Should it be 'alight' rather than 'light'?
I noticed, only from the configuration of the threads(,) that he had altered his odd circumgyration.
--OR take out the first comma.
performed a feat of aerial acrobatics, which I figured as his final coup de grace(,) and shot straight up toward the ceiling.
Comment Written 27-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2015
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I changed the second "just" to: "whose eye, at that instant, seemed?rather, light and shadow conspired to make him seem?to blink." Is that better?
I made all the other changes you suggested, Alex. Once again, you are like a little button on my computer I need to click before I write. It's called AlexCheck.
Thank you so much for all your help.
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Yes, better. Though I now wonder if an 'or' before 'rather' would help the flow. Not that it needs an or with the rather there, was just a sudden 'hmm' idea.
And you're only allowed an AlexCheck button if I can have a JayCheck one. That would be handy.
Comment from royowen
I'm loving this Jay, it must be struggle to maintain this imaginary focus my friend, the gist is never easy planting yourself in the mind and perception of a drug induced stupoured mind. Together with Doctrex trying to be rational in a completely irrational realm. Masterful writing my friend, keep it going, you're at your best, but it must be a struggle. Well done, blessings, Roy.
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2015
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I'm loving this Jay, it must be struggle to maintain this imaginary focus my friend, the gist is never easy planting yourself in the mind and perception of a drug induced stupoured mind. Together with Doctrex trying to be rational in a completely irrational realm. Masterful writing my friend, keep it going, you're at your best, but it must be a struggle. Well done, blessings, Roy.
Comment Written 26-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 26-Aug-2015
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Thank you, Roy. The Trining has made me pull my hair at times, has stalled, and gotten refueled. Now I'm several chapters ahead on it, so I hope it works itself smoothly to the end. Blessings, friend.
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My pleasure, keep it up.
Comment from Annette Gulliver
Doctrex is still fighting sleep, afraid that if he succumbs, the demons will attack him. Percy the fly, has managed to keep him awake as he hovers over him.
As the effects of the narcotic begin to wear off, he realises that the monsters he saw were in his imagination, but then decides that Percy is his enemy, and as he loses the battle to stay awake, he imagines the monsters are still there, and as the pink lightning bolt of a tongue flicks down to consume Percy, he falls asleep.
You know how to keep the reader interested, Jay.
Annette
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2015
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Doctrex is still fighting sleep, afraid that if he succumbs, the demons will attack him. Percy the fly, has managed to keep him awake as he hovers over him.
As the effects of the narcotic begin to wear off, he realises that the monsters he saw were in his imagination, but then decides that Percy is his enemy, and as he loses the battle to stay awake, he imagines the monsters are still there, and as the pink lightning bolt of a tongue flicks down to consume Percy, he falls asleep.
You know how to keep the reader interested, Jay.
Annette
Comment Written 25-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2015
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You pretty much captured the flow of it, Annette, and very succinctly. Thank you for reading and your interest. From here on the chapters will deal with real people, though I can't promise it won't be in fantastical situations. Stay tuned.
Comment from LIJ Red
You are building a good deal of suspense with such a thorough discussion of
Percy and the boogery ceiling. What monstrous malefactor is coming forth?
Finely crafted prose, indeed.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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You are building a good deal of suspense with such a thorough discussion of
Percy and the boogery ceiling. What monstrous malefactor is coming forth?
Finely crafted prose, indeed.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Hey, thanks, Red. Not an easy chapter to write. It felt stilted and tight.
Comment from robina1978
I don't think I read any previous chapters, but you wrote an excellent introduction, that helped me somewhat. Doctrex sees things at the ceiling, and finally dares to face one of them. It is a fly, he calls him Percy. But Percy attacks him.
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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I don't think I read any previous chapters, but you wrote an excellent introduction, that helped me somewhat. Doctrex sees things at the ceiling, and finally dares to face one of them. It is a fly, he calls him Percy. But Percy attacks him.
Comment Written 24-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Thank you so much for reading. I had hoped the summary would help. Hope you come back for more. Real-live people coming next.
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
The pink lightning bolt of a tongue whips out to take Percy to his brethren. He's been eaten by the frog!!!
As I watched, the spread wings did seem to waver, and uncannily, the serpent appeared to be making incremental progress toward the frog, whose eye, just then, seemed--rather, light and shadow conspired to make him seem--to blink. - Great description, Jay.
Poor Doctrex - all those illusions - he's so confused that all he wants now is to sleep.
Your imagination never fails to amaze me, my friend.
Margaret
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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The pink lightning bolt of a tongue whips out to take Percy to his brethren. He's been eaten by the frog!!!
As I watched, the spread wings did seem to waver, and uncannily, the serpent appeared to be making incremental progress toward the frog, whose eye, just then, seemed--rather, light and shadow conspired to make him seem--to blink. - Great description, Jay.
Poor Doctrex - all those illusions - he's so confused that all he wants now is to sleep.
Your imagination never fails to amaze me, my friend.
Margaret
Comment Written 24-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Oh, bless you, Margaret. That's what frogs do. Eat flies. Imagined frogs eat Im -- oops! Thanks for your lovely crit.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi Jay. Okay, problem is I can never figure out what is his imagination and what is really happening...I tend to got for the oddest answer, so then it follows that: he is being hunted by tiny insects, or at least drugged and then twussed up(like Gulliver) ...Your description is good, it kept me reading with a sort of bemused, 'this guy is so loosing it thought', until towards the end and then I thought eweee, I really hate flies and insects and fogs seem just a little on the verge of the evil...
But hey, my mind is a bit fey.
Thanks for a rainy afternoon jogof imagination.
padumaachitta
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Hi Jay. Okay, problem is I can never figure out what is his imagination and what is really happening...I tend to got for the oddest answer, so then it follows that: he is being hunted by tiny insects, or at least drugged and then twussed up(like Gulliver) ...Your description is good, it kept me reading with a sort of bemused, 'this guy is so loosing it thought', until towards the end and then I thought eweee, I really hate flies and insects and fogs seem just a little on the verge of the evil...
But hey, my mind is a bit fey.
Thanks for a rainy afternoon jogof imagination.
padumaachitta
Comment Written 24-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 24-Aug-2015
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Don't give up on it, Padumachitta. It's supposed to represent a person, normally much in control, slowly unraveling. I'll have confrontations next chapters with real people.
Comment from barkingdog
A fly finally gets the best of Doctrex. The hallucinations form a drifting contrail into a net of submission.
I love the last vision he has of the frog's tongue whipping out to take Percy, the enemy 'to be with his brethren'.
Through all of his attempts to avoid it, Doctrex sleeps-- ' it enwrapped me like a warm fog ...'
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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A fly finally gets the best of Doctrex. The hallucinations form a drifting contrail into a net of submission.
I love the last vision he has of the frog's tongue whipping out to take Percy, the enemy 'to be with his brethren'.
Through all of his attempts to avoid it, Doctrex sleeps-- ' it enwrapped me like a warm fog ...'
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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You know, Ellen, you are the first one to fully understand what happened. So few even understood that the frog ate Percy. Indeed, sleep was what he needed. Thanks Ellen. I appreciate your perceptive read of this post.
Comment from Sis Cat
This is breathtakingly beautiful.
I had reviewed your opening structure of backstory and previous chapter before posting mine, so I thank you for your example.
Now that the hubbub of my next chapter release has died down some, I can read, enjoy, and review your chapter in the quiet of the evening after dinner and before bedtime.
First of, I read very closely, not for punctuation and grammar, although that is fine, but for how you construct a compelling story. That ceiling sequence with Percy is amazing. It was vivid and frightening. Your language is vivid and descriptive. I can see myself trapped on that bed, gazing at a ceiling which appeared to move, as Percy buzzed around me. You do an exceptional job in putting the reader in Doctrex's place, so that the reader can see this surreal, fantastical world from his point of view.
Second, you show a great use of conflict and tension. Is Percy the enemy's fourth flank? Is the ceiling carved or alive? I like how you kept the reader guessing. Everything is fogged by the narcotics. Only when "a pink lightning bolt of a tongue flick down from the ceiling and gather Percy to be with his brethren," did I realize Percy's true motives.
I am a non-fiction kind of guy, but I have not read fantasy this good and this compelling in a long time. One thing I want to accomplish as a writer of primarily non-fiction stories is to apply fiction techniques. Fiction does not get much better than what you have written here. I thrilled to study and enjoy it. Thank you once again.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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This is breathtakingly beautiful.
I had reviewed your opening structure of backstory and previous chapter before posting mine, so I thank you for your example.
Now that the hubbub of my next chapter release has died down some, I can read, enjoy, and review your chapter in the quiet of the evening after dinner and before bedtime.
First of, I read very closely, not for punctuation and grammar, although that is fine, but for how you construct a compelling story. That ceiling sequence with Percy is amazing. It was vivid and frightening. Your language is vivid and descriptive. I can see myself trapped on that bed, gazing at a ceiling which appeared to move, as Percy buzzed around me. You do an exceptional job in putting the reader in Doctrex's place, so that the reader can see this surreal, fantastical world from his point of view.
Second, you show a great use of conflict and tension. Is Percy the enemy's fourth flank? Is the ceiling carved or alive? I like how you kept the reader guessing. Everything is fogged by the narcotics. Only when "a pink lightning bolt of a tongue flick down from the ceiling and gather Percy to be with his brethren," did I realize Percy's true motives.
I am a non-fiction kind of guy, but I have not read fantasy this good and this compelling in a long time. One thing I want to accomplish as a writer of primarily non-fiction stories is to apply fiction techniques. Fiction does not get much better than what you have written here. I thrilled to study and enjoy it. Thank you once again.
Comment Written 23-Aug-2015
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2015
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Andre, you have definitely made my day! Your name is going in my folder for "Thumbs up" recipients for when I get a new supply. You are more than deserving. And a six star! Whoa!
