THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 20 "He Was a Good Soldier (Pt 4)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
27 total reviews
Comment from Thewriterwithnoname
Poor Jed. Like Garvin said, he fought to the end. As ever, the technical aspects of your writing are top notch: lean, vivid imagery, great dialogue. But I have to say, after getting to the end of this plot thread, I think this part definitely needs to be shorter. I feel nothing that substantial came from Jed's suffering. I didn't see much in the way of character development and it seems like it didn't really go anywhere. He gets better briefly only to just die. Was he actually assassinated by Garvin? If this was meant to twist the knife in Doctrex, courtesy of the Colonel or Rheuther, I think it should have been handled more directly (if that wasn't intended, I think that might make this scene more interesting. Have Jed get better only to have him summarily executed to hurt Doctrex). The long-term effects of Jed's loss need to be seen in later chapters, but to me, I'm thinking the same weight of loss could have been handled in fewer words. As it currently is, I think it stalled the story a bit.
As for Garvin, he's an interesting character and I like him, but he seems too nice for an enemy doctor. I wouldn't expect him to be malicious, but perhaps cold or neutral. Maybe he's a future ally?
One nitpick:
"Ohhhhh." I would trade in the extra hs with just an "Oh." More to the point. Big nitpick.
Can't wait to read more, Jay!
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Poor Jed. Like Garvin said, he fought to the end. As ever, the technical aspects of your writing are top notch: lean, vivid imagery, great dialogue. But I have to say, after getting to the end of this plot thread, I think this part definitely needs to be shorter. I feel nothing that substantial came from Jed's suffering. I didn't see much in the way of character development and it seems like it didn't really go anywhere. He gets better briefly only to just die. Was he actually assassinated by Garvin? If this was meant to twist the knife in Doctrex, courtesy of the Colonel or Rheuther, I think it should have been handled more directly (if that wasn't intended, I think that might make this scene more interesting. Have Jed get better only to have him summarily executed to hurt Doctrex). The long-term effects of Jed's loss need to be seen in later chapters, but to me, I'm thinking the same weight of loss could have been handled in fewer words. As it currently is, I think it stalled the story a bit.
As for Garvin, he's an interesting character and I like him, but he seems too nice for an enemy doctor. I wouldn't expect him to be malicious, but perhaps cold or neutral. Maybe he's a future ally?
One nitpick:
"Ohhhhh." I would trade in the extra hs with just an "Oh." More to the point. Big nitpick.
Can't wait to read more, Jay!
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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I appreciate your candor more than you know, Sean. On Jed's plight and how it was handled, we are of one accord. That will need to be addressed in the final edit. It is too deep and pervasive to be tweaked by a single action or two. The other thing is Zarbs (the commander there). I need to explain his complete turnaround in his treatment of Doctrex. It had to do with the letter the courier brought back from Rhuether telling him to treat Doctrex like an honored guest. No, Garvin did not assassinate Jed. He is a force for good and he will play a small part (significant for him) in the next three chapters.
Please, please keep your comments as direct as this. I need that!
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I'm glad you appreciate it, Jay! That's the exact treatment I want. Give me bitter truths, no sweet lies, because it improves me as a writer. You can always expect me to honest. And thank you for the vote!
Comment from Sankey
Another excellent chapter my friend. Appreciate you reminding me but I did think someone around here had reviewed this one already. Looking forward to where things go after this chapter, thanks again.
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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Another excellent chapter my friend. Appreciate you reminding me but I did think someone around here had reviewed this one already. Looking forward to where things go after this chapter, thanks again.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 04-Mar-2015
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I didn't want to be self-serving, but I was sure you've been following right along and I didn't want you to miss an important one like Jed's dying. Thank you, so much, my friend.
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Check your messages I also found you on Face book notice Granny Goes Viral is a MUtual friend on Face book so I knew I ha=d the right Jay.
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This review was done on my Mobile hehe! Seems we can do that even having the 2 accounts as long as I don't try to do both reviews on this main puter ha.
Comment from Gloria ....
Jed's coughing stopped as quickly as it had begun, but it left him momentarily gasping for breath. Very good strong image and you carry that strength throughout the write.
You really go deep into it, don't you? Hope it doesn't take too much out of you.
Great job, Jay. I felt the angst, love and hot rags and that's a sign of excellent writing.
Gloria
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Jed's coughing stopped as quickly as it had begun, but it left him momentarily gasping for breath. Very good strong image and you carry that strength throughout the write.
You really go deep into it, don't you? Hope it doesn't take too much out of you.
Great job, Jay. I felt the angst, love and hot rags and that's a sign of excellent writing.
Gloria
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Gloria, coming from you (and how I respect your gift!) I am humbled by your words. I don't know that it takes too much out of me. I do have to work at my writing. It doesn't come easily. Thank you for your kind words. Especially the far reaches of your kindness as represented by the chartreuse cross. Blessings!
Comment from Tootsie55
Good chapter mate. So much emotion and feeling. Can sense the caring leader with his soldier blaming himself and his leader's assurance that he was also a hero. Thanks for a good read. Only one question not sure if this needs alteration or not....Talking about the comrade's torture..."No, (not?)now Jed, I said no more talking!"
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Good chapter mate. So much emotion and feeling. Can sense the caring leader with his soldier blaming himself and his leader's assurance that he was also a hero. Thanks for a good read. Only one question not sure if this needs alteration or not....Talking about the comrade's torture..."No, (not?)now Jed, I said no more talking!"
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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No, it was intentional the way I have it, but you are the second person to bring it up. I really should take a close look at changing Doctrex's vocabulary. thanks for bringing it up and for your kind words.
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Whatever you think, mate. Good to know I was not alone in my query.
Comment from Sis Cat
Now, that is what I call tight writing. Your first lines grabbed me. Visual and tactile, your writing gripped me. Great use of non-verbal forms of communication with Jed such as expressions and gestures. I can see him communicating by any means at his disposal. Riveting conversation. Heartfelt close. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Now, that is what I call tight writing. Your first lines grabbed me. Visual and tactile, your writing gripped me. Great use of non-verbal forms of communication with Jed such as expressions and gestures. I can see him communicating by any means at his disposal. Riveting conversation. Heartfelt close. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Oh, Sis Cat, you are so generous and kind. Thank you for the six stars. It means so much to me that the chapter connected with you. I hope to see you back for the remaining chapters.
Comment from rjpurdy
A tragic heart wrenching chapter. I was depending on the strength and toughness of Jed to pull through. But like all heros, he fought the good fight and was a true soldier and friend to the very end. I suppose this frees Doctrex to move forward. Will he seek vengence on Glnot Reuther? Will he face his next trial alone? I love the stories within the story Jay. This is compelling reading that always leaves me wanting more.
Uncharacteristicly, I found two typos: You have mispelled FOZZEN'S name twice in the following sequence.
"You don't need to talk any more. Yes ... Fosson was a hero. Through it all he didn't break down. You and Karule saw just how brutally they treated him. But he didn't crack."
I shook my head, remembering. "Karule had me convinced Fosson was a coward."
Peace & Grace to you my friend. Rod
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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A tragic heart wrenching chapter. I was depending on the strength and toughness of Jed to pull through. But like all heros, he fought the good fight and was a true soldier and friend to the very end. I suppose this frees Doctrex to move forward. Will he seek vengence on Glnot Reuther? Will he face his next trial alone? I love the stories within the story Jay. This is compelling reading that always leaves me wanting more.
Uncharacteristicly, I found two typos: You have mispelled FOZZEN'S name twice in the following sequence.
"You don't need to talk any more. Yes ... Fosson was a hero. Through it all he didn't break down. You and Karule saw just how brutally they treated him. But he didn't crack."
I shook my head, remembering. "Karule had me convinced Fosson was a coward."
Peace & Grace to you my friend. Rod
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Thanks for pointing out that Fozzen/Fosson problem. It's compounded by the fact I don't know which is right. I'll have to check out the Character sheet on the bottom. That's sad, but as the Bard said, "What's in a name?" If I called Fozzen/fosson "Rose" would he smell as sweet? Thanks my friend. I was afraid you'd left us.
Comment from krprice
Look for words like saw, smelled, heard, etc and rewrite the sentences without them.
Don't use "knew" if it's in the character's POV.
Go through and check the punctuation in compound sentences.
Excellent chapter. A real heart tugger.
Karlene
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Look for words like saw, smelled, heard, etc and rewrite the sentences without them.
Don't use "knew" if it's in the character's POV.
Go through and check the punctuation in compound sentences.
Excellent chapter. A real heart tugger.
Karlene
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Thanks Karlene. Appreciate your time spent reading this. No problem with "thats"? I check them pretty carefully. Thanks again.
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Jay, I'm glad to be back to a story I understand. I missed so much of the last one, however. I felt lost in what was going on. (my fault, not yours.) this is very well written as always. I really hope to get back to Fanstory on a more regular basis. It seems like forever since I've read your work. It is nothing personal, be assured. You are one of the best writers here, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Jay, I'm glad to be back to a story I understand. I missed so much of the last one, however. I felt lost in what was going on. (my fault, not yours.) this is very well written as always. I really hope to get back to Fanstory on a more regular basis. It seems like forever since I've read your work. It is nothing personal, be assured. You are one of the best writers here, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Oh, you are so kind, Debbie. I hope you get back as well. Are you okay? Your health? Thank you for your generous 6 stars. I so do appreciate that.
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Hi, Jay. It seems like if I'm not in the hospital, I am at the doctor's office. I really don't like being sick and tired all the time. Thanks for asking, my friend. It's got to get better soon :) Debbie
Comment from GWHARGIS
DAMN IT ALL. I knew it was coming but I couldn't do anything but wipe my eyes. Great dramatic send off for u e kid. I loved how you stayed true to his good character with making sure Doctrex knew K wasn't bad just weak. Great chapter.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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DAMN IT ALL. I knew it was coming but I couldn't do anything but wipe my eyes. Great dramatic send off for u e kid. I loved how you stayed true to his good character with making sure Doctrex knew K wasn't bad just weak. Great chapter.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2015
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Thank you so much, Gretchen, both for the six and your generous, kind words. You were one of the people I thought of when I had to call an end to Jed's life. I know you loved the character--and what a compliment that is!
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
oh I'm so sad after reading this chapter, but poor Jed is in a better place. He got out what he wanted to say before he died. Excellent and convincing writing. Well done, Jay
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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oh I'm so sad after reading this chapter, but poor Jed is in a better place. He got out what he wanted to say before he died. Excellent and convincing writing. Well done, Jay
Comment Written 01-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 01-Mar-2015
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Oh, thank you so much, Giddy. A lot of people had invested in the character of Jed and were disappointed that I killed him off. I appreciate the six stars, Giddy.
