THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "MANY MORE WILL FALL (Pt 2)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
26 total reviews
Comment from justafan
A warrior with heart! Wow. This has a little of everything, doesn't it? Your ability to keep your readers mesmerized is amazing, Jay. Again, another wonderful chapter, my friend. :)
Always,
Missy
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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A warrior with heart! Wow. This has a little of everything, doesn't it? Your ability to keep your readers mesmerized is amazing, Jay. Again, another wonderful chapter, my friend. :)
Always,
Missy
Comment Written 20-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2015
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THis one gave me ATB! Thanks, Missy!
Comment from Tina McKala
oh no! you keep me marveling in doctrex's speech and when i feel ready to go and march and win the battle you let one poor lad die just like that? what happened?? damn, you sure know how to work with cliff hangers. you mastered this ' i need to read one more page' technique. ;)
But, after I began to [I] speak to her in low, gentle tones, // one more "I" than needed?
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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oh no! you keep me marveling in doctrex's speech and when i feel ready to go and march and win the battle you let one poor lad die just like that? what happened?? damn, you sure know how to work with cliff hangers. you mastered this ' i need to read one more page' technique. ;)
But, after I began to [I] speak to her in low, gentle tones, // one more "I" than needed?
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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Why didn't I see that in my prepost reads (many); and why haven't others seen it until now. You are good, Tina!
Comment from Dashjianta
Nice interplay between Doctrex and Rain Spirit II at the start.
Good speech too--not the typical rallying call seen in a lot of films/books, but a much more personal one that unites the men and prepares them for the coming death.
Very unexpected end to the chapter, too.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
wrapped like a diaphanous veil between and around them and gave the scene a mysterious and an almost magical cast.
--Take out 'and an' and replace with a comma?
I hadn't the courage to tell you what was on(in?) my heart.
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Nice interplay between Doctrex and Rain Spirit II at the start.
Good speech too--not the typical rallying call seen in a lot of films/books, but a much more personal one that unites the men and prepares them for the coming death.
Very unexpected end to the chapter, too.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
wrapped like a diaphanous veil between and around them and gave the scene a mysterious and an almost magical cast.
--Take out 'and an' and replace with a comma?
I hadn't the courage to tell you what was on(in?) my heart.
Comment Written 13-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 13-Jan-2015
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Thanks for reading and your suggestions, particularly about the "and" and "an".
Comment from Twilightspire
And this, right here, is why we love the man, Doctrex. With inspiring, honest words, he rushes us off to war!
This is a great speech. Heartfelt and concise, it shows what a leader should be and strives to be daily.
Excellent work on this. I love that you kept the chapter short and didn't waste words. Being heavily dialogue with a smattering of descriptions and action tags really drives the point home. Great stylistic choices on this.
The cliff hanger at the end was perfect. You left us wondering, what the hell just happened?
-T.J.
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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And this, right here, is why we love the man, Doctrex. With inspiring, honest words, he rushes us off to war!
This is a great speech. Heartfelt and concise, it shows what a leader should be and strives to be daily.
Excellent work on this. I love that you kept the chapter short and didn't waste words. Being heavily dialogue with a smattering of descriptions and action tags really drives the point home. Great stylistic choices on this.
The cliff hanger at the end was perfect. You left us wondering, what the hell just happened?
-T.J.
Comment Written 12-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 12-Nov-2014
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Yes, yes, yes! I love that you dug deep into it. My fear was Doctrex's loquaciousness and you called it concise. Bless you. I think it's been over a month since I nominated you for the reviewer award (I'm in an unfortunate state of arrears in that department, though) so I'm going to put your name in my "thumbs up folder" for this review!
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
Great chapter, my friend. It is a very inspiring talk he gave to his men. good writing here, my friend. Yes, I am so far behind again, LOL. I don't know how that happens~Debbie
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Great chapter, my friend. It is a very inspiring talk he gave to his men. good writing here, my friend. Yes, I am so far behind again, LOL. I don't know how that happens~Debbie
Comment Written 29-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 29-Oct-2014
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Life happens. That's what it is. Don't think I don't appreciate your loyalty, though. I do!
Comment from Mary Ann MCPhedran
A very interesting story. Thanks for sharing with meyour well written story the story has good imagery. No need for canges. Thanks for sharing. Mary
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2014
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A very interesting story. Thanks for sharing with meyour well written story the story has good imagery. No need for canges. Thanks for sharing. Mary
Comment Written 22-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2014
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You dipped back a few for this, didn't you, Mary Ann? I don't think it paid much, did it?
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Hi I' just getting back into reviewing , after the death of my husband I haent had the heart to join in . but I'm back now.I don't always write for the money I do my fair share of the low paid ones. I review to finance my own writing. Take care. Mary
Comment from jaeladarling
Uh-oh, someone's fallen off his crossan. More mind games? Can't wait to find out! Great read - the speech came out well. I could hear it in my head. :) Nice work on this chapter.
Suggestions:
"and their crossans, wrapped like" (No comma)
"to where the brothers' sat" (No apostrophe)
"without resistance; oh, men, you don't" (I say this knowing your stance on long sentences, but that semicolon could be a period to divide this up some. :p)
"Because if we knew we could plan for them." (Comma after "knew")
"And, that is something" (No comma)
"felt fear, but, instead, rising" ("felt fear but instead rising" Or just remove the comma after "fear")
"as I lie dying, be that" (No comma)
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Uh-oh, someone's fallen off his crossan. More mind games? Can't wait to find out! Great read - the speech came out well. I could hear it in my head. :) Nice work on this chapter.
Suggestions:
"and their crossans, wrapped like" (No comma)
"to where the brothers' sat" (No apostrophe)
"without resistance; oh, men, you don't" (I say this knowing your stance on long sentences, but that semicolon could be a period to divide this up some. :p)
"Because if we knew we could plan for them." (Comma after "knew")
"And, that is something" (No comma)
"felt fear, but, instead, rising" ("felt fear but instead rising" Or just remove the comma after "fear")
"as I lie dying, be that" (No comma)
Comment Written 21-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2014
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Thanks again, Jaela. I'm gonna have to wait until this post drops and I have more time to go over it. I'm making too many errors and I don't like it.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Quick to forgive - if only human beings would take a leaf out of this animal's book.
Doctrex's oration is very touching.
Glad I caught this chapter. Have a beautiful week, Jay.
Sonali
barely lai(d) my hand on her hindquarter .. lain is the past perfect of lie (as in lying down)
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Quick to forgive - if only human beings would take a leaf out of this animal's book.
Doctrex's oration is very touching.
Glad I caught this chapter. Have a beautiful week, Jay.
Sonali
barely lai(d) my hand on her hindquarter .. lain is the past perfect of lie (as in lying down)
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Sonali. I'm glad you got to read it too. Hope you get to read the other two after this. Still paying a buck + apiece. That's right, you're away. Thank you for the catch, too, my friend. I hope you don't mind, I checked it out myself, mainly because I would have charged a person with a SPAG for NOT using lain in that situation. But you were sure as heck right! It's been changed.
Comment from lindalcreel
So, why did one of the soldiers fall off his horse. Was this another of Rheuther's tricks, or is something else happening? I'm not sure what you have planned for Doctrix and his warriors, but I doubt they have seen anything compared to what they will soon be facing.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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So, why did one of the soldiers fall off his horse. Was this another of Rheuther's tricks, or is something else happening? I'm not sure what you have planned for Doctrix and his warriors, but I doubt they have seen anything compared to what they will soon be facing.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Well... I have to plan something exciting enough to keep me interested while I'm waiting for another of your chapters to post! A lot of exciting stuff just around the corner.
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I'm out of town, but am trying to work on the next chapters. Hope to post soon.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid words like saw, felt, heard, and felt.
Don't forget to put a comma before the conjunction in a series of words, phrases, or clauses.
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
PS: Is the book finished? If so, how many more chapters are there?
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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Try to avoid words like saw, felt, heard, and felt.
Don't forget to put a comma before the conjunction in a series of words, phrases, or clauses.
Excellent chapter.
Karlene
PS: Is the book finished? If so, how many more chapters are there?
Comment Written 20-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2014
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No, the book's not finished, Karlene. LOL ... Why? I have no idea how many more chapters since they are written in whole chapter format, but most will have to be lopped into two for Fan Story.