THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "UNDER THE BED, BEHIND THE EYES (Pt1)"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from Tina McKala
this story is getting better and better. the mind-games are terrific! no more i can say, i have to hurry to see what the archers were shooting at! :)
I'm missing a description of the surroundings after the horns - what did doctrex see around him - any signs of the enemy? none? what was in his view?
We met at a spot near enough to the guards I didn't need confirmation they were also possessed by something. // should this be two sentences?
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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this story is getting better and better. the mind-games are terrific! no more i can say, i have to hurry to see what the archers were shooting at! :)
I'm missing a description of the surroundings after the horns - what did doctrex see around him - any signs of the enemy? none? what was in his view?
We met at a spot near enough to the guards I didn't need confirmation they were also possessed by something. // should this be two sentences?
Comment Written 22-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 22-Jan-2015
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No, that sentence isn't even a run-on, lacking a comma, but it was a mistake. Looking at it again, I see it should be a comma, probably buffered by a "that" (which I hate to do, and which I probably was trying to git rid of at the time. I went back and took care of it. No comma, but the insertion of a that. It reads smoothly now. Just goes to show you, not all "thats" are extraneous.
Comment from Dashjianta
Glnot's getting good at the surprise visions and attacks and it's clearer having an affect with the men now being reluctant to sleep and risk more visions/dreams. Doctrex lets himself get pulled around, reacting to the feints/attack--but him growing into his role, as this time he only takes a few minutes to notice, and make plans to rectify, his mistakes.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
One soldier stepped on the heel of one (the man) in front of him
--to avoid repeat of 'one'
Swords in their scabbards slapped against their thighs.
--Consider removing both 'theirs' for a more compact/faster sentence.
Breathing came in short bursts, as much from anticipation as exertion.
--Do you need 'as much from...'. The sentence would give the paragraph a much punchier ending without it.
They're saying they saw some--you know, Pomnots coming at them.
--Should there be a second dash after 'you know' or 'Pomnots'? I'm not sure.
I took off in a trot.
--'in a trot' or 'at a trot'?
We met at a spot near enough to the guards(.) I didn't need confirmation they were also possessed by something.
--I think.
"Some of the archers also are being affected by the guards.
--Insert a tag here so the reader knows it's the guard speaking?
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2015
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Glnot's getting good at the surprise visions and attacks and it's clearer having an affect with the men now being reluctant to sleep and risk more visions/dreams. Doctrex lets himself get pulled around, reacting to the feints/attack--but him growing into his role, as this time he only takes a few minutes to notice, and make plans to rectify, his mistakes.
Thoughts/Suggestions:
One soldier stepped on the heel of one (the man) in front of him
--to avoid repeat of 'one'
Swords in their scabbards slapped against their thighs.
--Consider removing both 'theirs' for a more compact/faster sentence.
Breathing came in short bursts, as much from anticipation as exertion.
--Do you need 'as much from...'. The sentence would give the paragraph a much punchier ending without it.
They're saying they saw some--you know, Pomnots coming at them.
--Should there be a second dash after 'you know' or 'Pomnots'? I'm not sure.
I took off in a trot.
--'in a trot' or 'at a trot'?
We met at a spot near enough to the guards(.) I didn't need confirmation they were also possessed by something.
--I think.
"Some of the archers also are being affected by the guards.
--Insert a tag here so the reader knows it's the guard speaking?
Comment Written 12-Jan-2015
reply by the author on 12-Jan-2015
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My Gawd, this is a long book, isn't it, Alex? These chapters just keep rolling on. I'm glad you've been there to slow them down
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
sissified I love this word!
Left the reader in suspense. That is good writing. I have to read the next one so I know what happened. Well written, my friend~Debbie
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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sissified I love this word!
Left the reader in suspense. That is good writing. I have to read the next one so I know what happened. Well written, my friend~Debbie
Comment Written 15-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2014
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Thanks for reading this, Debbie. No soldier wants to be thought of as a sissy. That would be sissified. I like that word, too.
Comment from Twilightspire
Superb writing! You created confusion and panic with ease. You couldn't tell who was going and what was going on.
You switch gears from the relentless cold and tension building in the last chapter to a full on horror in this piece. Every element of a good terror tale is here. It's dark, confusing and the enemy is never seen. The men are all acting broken and Doctrex is fighting with his own inexperience to rally everyone, but is sorely outmaneuvered by a far more terrifying foe: Panic.
Fantastic writing, my friend. You switch gears effortlessly and are able to deliver and distill a range of emotions and hair-raising moments.
Perfect read.
-T.J.
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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Superb writing! You created confusion and panic with ease. You couldn't tell who was going and what was going on.
You switch gears from the relentless cold and tension building in the last chapter to a full on horror in this piece. Every element of a good terror tale is here. It's dark, confusing and the enemy is never seen. The men are all acting broken and Doctrex is fighting with his own inexperience to rally everyone, but is sorely outmaneuvered by a far more terrifying foe: Panic.
Fantastic writing, my friend. You switch gears effortlessly and are able to deliver and distill a range of emotions and hair-raising moments.
Perfect read.
-T.J.
Comment Written 12-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 12-Oct-2014
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T.J., I don't know what to say. I was hoping I would achieve those effects, but I thought I fell short. It's good to know at least one reader picked up on it. Thank you, friend!!
Comment from GWHARGIS
I wish I had read this sooner in the week. It deserves a six, but alas... I loved the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. The bild up was killer and the last line had me hungry for more. Good job. Gretchen
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014
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I wish I had read this sooner in the week. It deserves a six, but alas... I loved the feeling of waiting for the other shoe to drop. The bild up was killer and the last line had me hungry for more. Good job. Gretchen
Comment Written 11-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014
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LOL, I know what you mean. Timing is everything in the posting business. This is why there have been so few new posts today. It's also why My next 3 posts will be Saturday, Sunday and Monday. I'll accept my virtual 6, happily knowing it struck a chord with you. By the way, did you ever check my Pomnot picture chosen after you pointed out I had used the Henderson BigFoot?
When's your next post gonna be up?
Comment from sibhus
Wow, Jay, this is some good writng. The descriptions are so vivid, you really have sense of being there amidst the fear of the soldeiers just waitng for the frightening enemy to punce at any time. You really have used all the sense to describe these events, and I sit here typing I'm glancing over my shoulder for Pomnots. A well written cgapter that was very entertaining.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014
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Wow, Jay, this is some good writng. The descriptions are so vivid, you really have sense of being there amidst the fear of the soldeiers just waitng for the frightening enemy to punce at any time. You really have used all the sense to describe these events, and I sit here typing I'm glancing over my shoulder for Pomnots. A well written cgapter that was very entertaining.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014
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You've made my Saturday morning, Sibhus. I am so happy to have you here reading this. I hope you find other chapters equally satisfying. I'll be posting one today. Thanks!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
You left a great hook and I can't wait to find out what's going on. Once again you have a very good post. It started to look up for our friends, but now, I'm not so sure.
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014
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You left a great hook and I can't wait to find out what's going on. Once again you have a very good post. It started to look up for our friends, but now, I'm not so sure.
Comment Written 11-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 11-Oct-2014
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You won't have long to wait, Barbara. I'll be posting the next chapter this afternoon.
Comment from lindalcreel
This was an excellent way to end the chapter. Now, we'll have to wait and see what has the men so scared. I think Rheuther might be up to his old tricks again and by dividing the camp, he will win the battle. Hopefully, Doctrix can keep his wits about him.
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2014
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This was an excellent way to end the chapter. Now, we'll have to wait and see what has the men so scared. I think Rheuther might be up to his old tricks again and by dividing the camp, he will win the battle. Hopefully, Doctrix can keep his wits about him.
Comment Written 10-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2014
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Thank you, Linda. Oh, I think you can count on Doctrex.
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:)
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Oh! Now I know why men like to play soldiers! But if I was involved in war, I'd like you to be in charge, Jay! lol... This was a most enjoyable chapter, with plenty of drama, tension, and now perhaps humour. Very well done!
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2014
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Oh! Now I know why men like to play soldiers! But if I was involved in war, I'd like you to be in charge, Jay! lol... This was a most enjoyable chapter, with plenty of drama, tension, and now perhaps humour. Very well done!
Comment Written 10-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2014
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You are WONDERFUL, Giddy! What a nice thing to say. But, no, I'd be one of those being escorted back to my tent. Thanks, friend.
Comment from GracieAnn
Jay, this is another realistic installment of how people react to things that are inexplicable and fearful to them. Good elements of suspense. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2014
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Jay, this is another realistic installment of how people react to things that are inexplicable and fearful to them. Good elements of suspense. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 09-Oct-2014
reply by the author on 10-Oct-2014
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Thank you, GracieAnn. I'm glad you got to read this. I hope you're here for the next one. Things really start happening.