The Unwilling Heir
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "The Unwilling Heir - Chap 9"A Mysterious Inheritance and Murders
13 total reviews
Comment from davisr (Rhonda)
A lot afoot here, Carol. You have packed a lot of imagination and suspense in your story. Sandra is being asked by someone to help find a key to find something of a treasure. The man who looks like her father, perhaps the key to why she was given the mansion to begin with? Digoxin, the missing book, lots going on!
On I go...
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2024
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A lot afoot here, Carol. You have packed a lot of imagination and suspense in your story. Sandra is being asked by someone to help find a key to find something of a treasure. The man who looks like her father, perhaps the key to why she was given the mansion to begin with? Digoxin, the missing book, lots going on!
On I go...
Comment Written 13-Jun-2024
reply by the author on 15-Jun-2024
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I have one of those minds that can't just be happy with one thing happening at a time. I might get that from my own life. LOL Drama everywhere! Thanks as always.
Carol
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Okay, that make sense as to why you have the multiples at once. It makes the book more exciting!! Good for you!
Comment from Julie Helms
Wow, this dream sequence was really excellent! Fantastic writing, plus deepening mystery, and clues that didn't help. What the heck is going on!?! Really nicely done.
Most of my comments for you are for repetitive wording. It's not wrong, it would just be more polished if you could reword some of it.
1.As she continued to navigate the mansion in her dream, she could **feel a chill creeping up her spine.**
eyes that seemed to bore into her soul. She **felt an icy chill run down her spine**
2. She glared at the figure with disdain. With a commanding voice, she snapped,
(I would identify the 'she'. I wasn't sure who was speaking)
3. the air thick with the scent of **opulence** and deceit.
mysterious man into the **opulent** den of darkness.
4. Sandra's **heart raced** with fear as she followed the mysterious man
Her **heart raced**, and a **chill crept up her spine**
clinking of gold, sending a **shiver down her spine**
(I would limit yourself to one spine description per chapter. You had 4 that I noticed. Google "ways to describe fear")
5. Lorrie let out a playful **giggle**.
Lorrie erupted into **giggles**, and her entire body shook
Julie
:-)
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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Wow, this dream sequence was really excellent! Fantastic writing, plus deepening mystery, and clues that didn't help. What the heck is going on!?! Really nicely done.
Most of my comments for you are for repetitive wording. It's not wrong, it would just be more polished if you could reword some of it.
1.As she continued to navigate the mansion in her dream, she could **feel a chill creeping up her spine.**
eyes that seemed to bore into her soul. She **felt an icy chill run down her spine**
2. She glared at the figure with disdain. With a commanding voice, she snapped,
(I would identify the 'she'. I wasn't sure who was speaking)
3. the air thick with the scent of **opulence** and deceit.
mysterious man into the **opulent** den of darkness.
4. Sandra's **heart raced** with fear as she followed the mysterious man
Her **heart raced**, and a **chill crept up her spine**
clinking of gold, sending a **shiver down her spine**
(I would limit yourself to one spine description per chapter. You had 4 that I noticed. Google "ways to describe fear")
5. Lorrie let out a playful **giggle**.
Lorrie erupted into **giggles**, and her entire body shook
Julie
:-)
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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thanks for the suggestions, Julie. I just learned from my son that there is a site to help with repeated phrases....especially for people like me who seem to have a gear stuck and keep repeating. Thanks for your help...and I apologize for the delay in answering but it took days to write the ghost scene and I'm not sure I even came close to getting it right.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from royowen
I like the way you've sown those mysterious questions, but yet clues as to the solving of this mystery that pervades the soul of Sandra, she's inexorably tied in to this drama that she innocently blundered into. The answers need connecting with the clues of the part, could her dad be trying to protect and help her? Well done, blessings Roy.
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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I like the way you've sown those mysterious questions, but yet clues as to the solving of this mystery that pervades the soul of Sandra, she's inexorably tied in to this drama that she innocently blundered into. The answers need connecting with the clues of the part, could her dad be trying to protect and help her? Well done, blessings Roy.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 14-Apr-2024
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I believe you have struck a chord there, Roy. That familiar face from her childhood might be trying to reach out to Sandra. Thanks for the review ...Sorry I am behind but this story is driving me off the deep end... LOL
Smiles, Carol
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Well done
Comment from Ric Myworld
Well, it seems we've already found our ghost writer, only luckily for us, our ghost writer isn't a ghost. LOL. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Well, it seems we've already found our ghost writer, only luckily for us, our ghost writer isn't a ghost. LOL. Thanks for sharing another fine chapter.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Hello, my friend. There are many times I wish I could be a ghost and disappear, but alas I am glued to my chair and the computer, trying to successfully write this story.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Carol Hillebrenner
The story is getting scarier and more confusing (in a good way). So, one of the ghosts reminds her of her father. That's unexpected. James and Lorrie seem determined to prove Madeline murdered Noah, and Madeline seems like an excellent suspect. She certainly doesn't know how to mourn correctly. I'm looking forward to the next chapter, but will be out of contact from Monday through Saturday, so don't think I am ignoring you.
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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The story is getting scarier and more confusing (in a good way). So, one of the ghosts reminds her of her father. That's unexpected. James and Lorrie seem determined to prove Madeline murdered Noah, and Madeline seems like an excellent suspect. She certainly doesn't know how to mourn correctly. I'm looking forward to the next chapter, but will be out of contact from Monday through Saturday, so don't think I am ignoring you.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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I would never think you were ignoring me! I hope you are doing something fun while you are gone. thank you so much for reading this chapter and enjoying it.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from Wendy G
A terrible nightmare, for sure. So vivid and compelling, and so well-written I had to keep reminding myself that it was a dream, and to stop being scared! Seems like her father will be there to help her discern who is to be assisted and who to fear. Myself I wold have run away from the mansion, screaming! Well written.
Wendy
This sentence reads a bit awkwardly as the plunging neckline seems to reveal the black silk nylons and the slits up the sides: "Out of nowhere, a mysterious woman emerged in a striking dress with a plunging neckline, revealing black silk nylons and slits up the sides."
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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A terrible nightmare, for sure. So vivid and compelling, and so well-written I had to keep reminding myself that it was a dream, and to stop being scared! Seems like her father will be there to help her discern who is to be assisted and who to fear. Myself I wold have run away from the mansion, screaming! Well written.
Wendy
This sentence reads a bit awkwardly as the plunging neckline seems to reveal the black silk nylons and the slits up the sides: "Out of nowhere, a mysterious woman emerged in a striking dress with a plunging neckline, revealing black silk nylons and slits up the sides."
Comment Written 10-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 11-Apr-2024
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Thanks for pointing out the misfunctioning dress...I have fixed it I hope. I appreciate the review, your assistance, and your kindness.
Smiles, Carol
Comment from karenina
Are you related to Steven King? Carol! The dream sequence gave me real gooseflesh... Turns out you are a natural with the supernatural! (See what I did there?)--
Hmmm. So somehow Sandra's Dad is going to play a part as you progress.
Lorrie seems to be enjoying all the ghostly Hijinx! Are we sure she's not one of THEM?
(Smiling, because I seem to never be able to guess quite where you are heading!)
You're rocking this!
Karenina
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
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Are you related to Steven King? Carol! The dream sequence gave me real gooseflesh... Turns out you are a natural with the supernatural! (See what I did there?)--
Hmmm. So somehow Sandra's Dad is going to play a part as you progress.
Lorrie seems to be enjoying all the ghostly Hijinx! Are we sure she's not one of THEM?
(Smiling, because I seem to never be able to guess quite where you are heading!)
You're rocking this!
Karenina
Comment Written 10-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
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Steven King? I certainly hope not! He gives me bigger chills than I ever want to feel. I'm not giving away any secrets my dear. But I am thrilled that you are enjoying the ghostly parts. It takes me a zillion rewrites till I think I might have it right...Thanks so much for all your encouragement.
Smiles and hugs, Carol
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It wouldn't be bad to have his royalties, though!
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Amen!
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Again, more questions than answers, but I do love this story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
"Then maybe I should ask the Judge to have a few of her old friends make a call," he chuckled. "It could prove very interesting." (call." He chuckled.)
His face, so eerily similar to an old photograph of her long-lost father, haunted her. (A clue of what is come???)
Lorrie nodded, "Yes, it is used to treat heart conditions, (nodded.)
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
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Again, more questions than answers, but I do love this story. Thank you for sharing it with us.
"Then maybe I should ask the Judge to have a few of her old friends make a call," he chuckled. "It could prove very interesting." (call." He chuckled.)
His face, so eerily similar to an old photograph of her long-lost father, haunted her. (A clue of what is come???)
Lorrie nodded, "Yes, it is used to treat heart conditions, (nodded.)
Comment Written 10-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
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Thanks so much, Barbara. I am glad you caught one of the clues in this chapter. There were a few. As always, I appreciate you pointing out my punctuation errors.... I just can't seem to get it right. Maybe I should have them all stop talking. LOL
Smiles, Carol
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Never had them stop talking that gives insight to the characters and moves the story along at a good pace.
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I just wish I could get it right! Thank heavens for you!
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We all make mistakes.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
Virtual six stars, dear Carol, you surpassed yourself in this chapter, I was scared to death! That was some pretty grim imagery to have for a nightmare, I would have run out in my nighty and walked to the station and gone home, if that had been me. She must be told soon what is going on before she cracks. And get the woman out of there!!!!! Let's see her terrorised by the ghosts. That would be a wonderful chapter to write. I'm loving this story, my friend, let's have more!! Love and hugs, Sandra xx
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
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Virtual six stars, dear Carol, you surpassed yourself in this chapter, I was scared to death! That was some pretty grim imagery to have for a nightmare, I would have run out in my nighty and walked to the station and gone home, if that had been me. She must be told soon what is going on before she cracks. And get the woman out of there!!!!! Let's see her terrorised by the ghosts. That would be a wonderful chapter to write. I'm loving this story, my friend, let's have more!! Love and hugs, Sandra xx
Comment Written 10-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
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I'll take that virtual six and pin it on my shirt...I actually have enjoyed writing the last few chapters. I did drop a few hints here and there, but the "talk" will happen soon to reveal the story. And Madeline....she's about to have a visit that will have here thinking twice about staying in the mansion.I hope I can do it justice!
Smiles and hugs, Carol
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Of course you will do it justice, you are an amazing author, I don't know how you do it, but if it's ever bottled, I want a dozen bottles. 😊😊🥰
Comment from LJbutterfly
Ghosts and nightmares, oh my. You have really stepped out into the unknown and unusual. Your detailed description of the dream floated in and out exactly like a real dream. Madeline must have gone into Sandra's room and taken The Book, when Sandra was walking through the garden. What does she plan to do with it? I will wait and see.
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
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Ghosts and nightmares, oh my. You have really stepped out into the unknown and unusual. Your detailed description of the dream floated in and out exactly like a real dream. Madeline must have gone into Sandra's room and taken The Book, when Sandra was walking through the garden. What does she plan to do with it? I will wait and see.
Comment Written 10-Apr-2024
reply by the author on 10-Apr-2024
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Glad you liked this chapter too, Lorraine. I was worried about the dream sequence but it seems as if everyone likes it. And yes, since she was in the hallway over and over, I hope everyone can assume she returned and stole it, kicking herself that she left it in the first place.
Smiles, Carol
