Willing Hearts
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Willing Hearts Chapter 1"Solve a crime and fall in love at the same time?
38 total reviews
Comment from LoniLove
This is my first review on a post. I started at the beginning. I really enjoyed this story. It is full of action. It kept me engaged. I'm a romance writer also. I can't wait to settle down at night and read the rest of your chapters. I like how you write and how you describe what's going on until Sami gets to the community center, and her courage to look for the girl Myra herself. I'm also glad that the detectives are keeping an eye on her so she doesn't disappear too. Great writing, I'm looking forward to more.
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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This is my first review on a post. I started at the beginning. I really enjoyed this story. It is full of action. It kept me engaged. I'm a romance writer also. I can't wait to settle down at night and read the rest of your chapters. I like how you write and how you describe what's going on until Sami gets to the community center, and her courage to look for the girl Myra herself. I'm also glad that the detectives are keeping an eye on her so she doesn't disappear too. Great writing, I'm looking forward to more.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2024
reply by the author on 22-Mar-2024
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Thank you for dropping by and reading. I appreciate your encouraging review.
Comment from Liz O'Neill
And the cautionary tale begins. How did I know we're going to write this? "The officer took notes as he glanced around. "I don't see any evidence of a struggle. She probably ran away and used you as an alibi." This is a whole other ugly side of this scenario: "Sami explained the Adams didn't report Myra as missing so they wouldn't lose any foster parenting money."I belong to a missing and murdered native American Facebook page. Everyday there are at least 16 missing reported. This is a very good subject you have begun thank you.
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2024
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And the cautionary tale begins. How did I know we're going to write this? "The officer took notes as he glanced around. "I don't see any evidence of a struggle. She probably ran away and used you as an alibi." This is a whole other ugly side of this scenario: "Sami explained the Adams didn't report Myra as missing so they wouldn't lose any foster parenting money."I belong to a missing and murdered native American Facebook page. Everyday there are at least 16 missing reported. This is a very good subject you have begun thank you.
Comment Written 17-Feb-2024
reply by the author on 17-Feb-2024
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Thank you for sharing this kind review with me. This is a very real problem in the US and probably other countries. I'm sorry you had to read this with no money attached.
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Barbara I go to the one that has like big money people sometimes are giving as much as a dollar so I just have to read a few of those and then I can oblige friends like you
Comment from GWHARGIS
Barbara, how did I miss this? It's fabulous. I immediately liked the main character, I could see her and hear her. I liked the action and the urban feel to this. Emma and Seth are small town and Sami and this story are in the gritty city. Great intro and good luck in the contest. Gretchen
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Barbara, how did I miss this? It's fabulous. I immediately liked the main character, I could see her and hear her. I liked the action and the urban feel to this. Emma and Seth are small town and Sami and this story are in the gritty city. Great intro and good luck in the contest. Gretchen
Comment Written 31-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 01-Feb-2024
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Thank you for the encouragement.
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi Barbara,
This is a wonderful first chapter and should easily be a contender for the contest. Your MC, Sarah, comes across as a strong and caring woman and teacher. I was interested in the piece and didn't have any idea of how long it was until I read your notes! I'm looking forward to more,
~MP~
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2024
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Hi Barbara,
This is a wonderful first chapter and should easily be a contender for the contest. Your MC, Sarah, comes across as a strong and caring woman and teacher. I was interested in the piece and didn't have any idea of how long it was until I read your notes! I'm looking forward to more,
~MP~
Comment Written 29-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the well wishes and the support.
Comment from Ricky1024
Had a couple minutes to connect with this and interesting.
Kidnapping is a serious crime.
South Carolina has earnings on the Wrlcome Center about Human Trafficking.
Two so far
This was well written Rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no grammar issues.
My Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned perfectly.
Thanks Barbara and good luck with your contest entry.
Doctor Ricky 1024
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2024
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Had a couple minutes to connect with this and interesting.
Kidnapping is a serious crime.
South Carolina has earnings on the Wrlcome Center about Human Trafficking.
Two so far
This was well written Rich in Theme and Imagery.
It also, read well and flowed well with no grammar issues.
My Complete Synopsis:
The Adjective and Objective Contents were both Excellent and Exceptional while Descriptive Measures aligned perfectly.
Thanks Barbara and good luck with your contest entry.
Doctor Ricky 1024
Comment Written 29-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 29-Jan-2024
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Thank you for dropping by and leaving this encouraging review.
Comment from Ulla
Hi Barbara, this was certainly a lengthy chapter for the contest but it was certainly worth it. You have a great story going here. It's a classic. All the best of luck in the contest. Ulla xcx
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2024
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Hi Barbara, this was certainly a lengthy chapter for the contest but it was certainly worth it. You have a great story going here. It's a classic. All the best of luck in the contest. Ulla xcx
Comment Written 27-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the supportive review. I had changed a few things this morning and was hoping for a review to see it I made it worse. LOL
Comment from Jim Wile
This was a very promising first chapter to a very exciting story, Barbara. Kept me in suspense throughout. I could certainly feel Sami's frustration at being held up in traffic, not being believed by the cops, and being ignored by the prostitutes. She seems like a good person who is embroiling herself in a dangerous situation.
I have a few suggestions and comments for you. I think you should establish right away when you introduce Noah that he is the head of a homeland security detail, not just in the notes, unless your purpose was to build suspense about it and fool the reader into thinking he and his team were bad guys who are part of the kidnapping group. It fooled me until I read the notes after reading the chapter. I'm thinking that a blurb for this story, such as what might appear on the Amazon product page or back cover notes on a printed version, would be mentioning the homeland security team, so it wouldn't be a surprise anyway to anyone who read that first.
This next is more of a comment than a suggestion for change. Just something for you to think about: I was distracted by all the italics for the mother's part of the phone conversation with Sami. I Googled the use of italics for the non-POV person in a phone call, and there is mixed opinion about it. Some say you should do it, while many others say it is unnecessary. I happen to agree with the latter stance.
To me, a phone conversation is just like a regular conversation, which is not italicized, but marked with quotation marks. I think it's redundant to have both quotation marks and italics, and the italics serve no real purpose in making it clear it's the other person talking. The only time I think I would use it is if I wasn't using quotation marks in order to differentiate when one stops talking and the other starts, as some literary writing does, but I don't think I would ever not use quotation marks for dialog.
Some writers even go as far as not using italics for thoughts of the main character. You have used them quite a bit more in this novel than either of the other two of yours I've read, and I also found this a bit distracting. There are many ways around it. Here's a quotation from one writer that may have some merit:
At one time there were two methods considered acceptable that have since become passe.
The first was italics. Those internal thoughts were written in italics to notify the reader of just what they were. ex - What do I do now?
The second was a dialogue tag. He/she thought. ex - He thought, "What do I do now?"
Now both are still allowable and, in truth, both are still in use by many, but the prevailing method today is to simply write it out as normal prose.
So the question becomes if putting it down as normal prose, how does a reader differentiate between an internal thought from the rest of the prose?
The answer is in the tense. Almost all (there are exceptions) third-person writing is in the past tense. The internal thoughts must be in the present tense and first-person. When the reader recognizes this, they will apply what they are reading as internal thought.
Not sure I am quite up to doing this yet, but it makes sense. I think I would tend to write the following sentence in which you used italics in this way:
Sami parked in front of Leon and Alice Adams's house. Why wouldn't they report her as missing? It didn't make sense to her.
The writer I just quoted in blue would have written it as:
Sami parked in front of Leon and Alice Adams's house. Why won't they report her as missing? It doesn't make sense.
(Incidentally, most style guides say to show the possessive of a name ending in "s" as I have shown it rather than Alice Adams' house. Also, when you talk about a name ending is "s" it should be, for example: The Adamses are a happy couple, not the Adams' are a happy couple.)
The discussion about the use of italics is a personal choice for the author, as there are no hard and fast rules that all writers follow, so it's totally your choice to use them as you have. Personally, I find it distracting and often unnecessary, but that's just me. Just something to think about.
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She checked the car's clock. "At least traffic's reasonable. I should be there with fifteen minutes to spare." A few blocks later, she saw a row of red taillights and yelled, "No! I'm almost there." -- Is she talking to herself here? She's not on the phone at this point.
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She also coach's -- Should be coaches.
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Sami asked, "Did you hear anything about girls being taken by men driving a black van?"
They said they hadn't. -- This doesn't seem reasonable to me. Wouldn't parents of the missing girls have called the Community Center by this time of the morning?
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Sami's joined in with tears. -- Leave off the possessive
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listening devise -- device
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the Adams didn't report -- Adamses
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She walked to her car and sat on the shady curb next to it. "This is probably the best spot." -- Again, is she talking to herself? How about: This is probably the best spot, she thought.
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reply by the author on 27-Jan-2024
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This was a very promising first chapter to a very exciting story, Barbara. Kept me in suspense throughout. I could certainly feel Sami's frustration at being held up in traffic, not being believed by the cops, and being ignored by the prostitutes. She seems like a good person who is embroiling herself in a dangerous situation.
I have a few suggestions and comments for you. I think you should establish right away when you introduce Noah that he is the head of a homeland security detail, not just in the notes, unless your purpose was to build suspense about it and fool the reader into thinking he and his team were bad guys who are part of the kidnapping group. It fooled me until I read the notes after reading the chapter. I'm thinking that a blurb for this story, such as what might appear on the Amazon product page or back cover notes on a printed version, would be mentioning the homeland security team, so it wouldn't be a surprise anyway to anyone who read that first.
This next is more of a comment than a suggestion for change. Just something for you to think about: I was distracted by all the italics for the mother's part of the phone conversation with Sami. I Googled the use of italics for the non-POV person in a phone call, and there is mixed opinion about it. Some say you should do it, while many others say it is unnecessary. I happen to agree with the latter stance.
To me, a phone conversation is just like a regular conversation, which is not italicized, but marked with quotation marks. I think it's redundant to have both quotation marks and italics, and the italics serve no real purpose in making it clear it's the other person talking. The only time I think I would use it is if I wasn't using quotation marks in order to differentiate when one stops talking and the other starts, as some literary writing does, but I don't think I would ever not use quotation marks for dialog.
Some writers even go as far as not using italics for thoughts of the main character. You have used them quite a bit more in this novel than either of the other two of yours I've read, and I also found this a bit distracting. There are many ways around it. Here's a quotation from one writer that may have some merit:
At one time there were two methods considered acceptable that have since become passe.
The first was italics. Those internal thoughts were written in italics to notify the reader of just what they were. ex - What do I do now?
The second was a dialogue tag. He/she thought. ex - He thought, "What do I do now?"
Now both are still allowable and, in truth, both are still in use by many, but the prevailing method today is to simply write it out as normal prose.
So the question becomes if putting it down as normal prose, how does a reader differentiate between an internal thought from the rest of the prose?
The answer is in the tense. Almost all (there are exceptions) third-person writing is in the past tense. The internal thoughts must be in the present tense and first-person. When the reader recognizes this, they will apply what they are reading as internal thought.
Not sure I am quite up to doing this yet, but it makes sense. I think I would tend to write the following sentence in which you used italics in this way:
Sami parked in front of Leon and Alice Adams's house. Why wouldn't they report her as missing? It didn't make sense to her.
The writer I just quoted in blue would have written it as:
Sami parked in front of Leon and Alice Adams's house. Why won't they report her as missing? It doesn't make sense.
(Incidentally, most style guides say to show the possessive of a name ending in "s" as I have shown it rather than Alice Adams' house. Also, when you talk about a name ending is "s" it should be, for example: The Adamses are a happy couple, not the Adams' are a happy couple.)
The discussion about the use of italics is a personal choice for the author, as there are no hard and fast rules that all writers follow, so it's totally your choice to use them as you have. Personally, I find it distracting and often unnecessary, but that's just me. Just something to think about.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
She checked the car's clock. "At least traffic's reasonable. I should be there with fifteen minutes to spare." A few blocks later, she saw a row of red taillights and yelled, "No! I'm almost there." -- Is she talking to herself here? She's not on the phone at this point.
-----------------
She also coach's -- Should be coaches.
------------------
Sami asked, "Did you hear anything about girls being taken by men driving a black van?"
They said they hadn't. -- This doesn't seem reasonable to me. Wouldn't parents of the missing girls have called the Community Center by this time of the morning?
-----------------
Sami's joined in with tears. -- Leave off the possessive
-----------------
listening devise -- device
-----------------
the Adams didn't report -- Adamses
------------------
She walked to her car and sat on the shady curb next to it. "This is probably the best spot." -- Again, is she talking to herself? How about: This is probably the best spot, she thought.
------------------
Comment Written 27-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2024
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I made some of the changes and appreciate the help. The others I will research and decide which way I prefer.
think you should establish right away when you introduce Noah that he is the head of a homeland security detail, (I don't want Sami to know it yet. She will find out when the times right.)
I'm working on a better way to note the phone conversation. As for italics - again, my editors expect them.
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If you don't really like the italics either for the phone conversation, I would argue the point with the editor. They just seem unnecessary to me, and frankly, I've never seen them before this.
You don't have to let Sami know about homeland security, but you could let the reader know. This seems to be 3rd person omniscient in which the narrator, you, are privy to information the main character doesn't know yet.
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I just went back and took the phone conversation italic out, and a couple of the other ones.
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I think you'll like that better.
Comment from Sanku
This is a very interesting first chapter ! I read the whole thing in one go holding my breath. I can sense there is going to be a lot intrigue... and can't wait for the next..
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2024
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This is a very interesting first chapter ! I read the whole thing in one go holding my breath. I can sense there is going to be a lot intrigue... and can't wait for the next..
Comment Written 27-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 27-Jan-2024
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Thank you for the kind review and support.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
This is the start of a fabulous story, Barbara! It was gripping! I think it's going to be one of your best, if not your very best one. You have put us right on the spot with Sami, and those police!!!! What is wrong with them these days? They are getting like that here in the UK, and I'm not liking it at all. But, who are those other men? I already think they are the goodies trying to trap the monsters who are taking girls. Well done, my friend, I'll be looking out for this one next week. :)) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2024
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This is the start of a fabulous story, Barbara! It was gripping! I think it's going to be one of your best, if not your very best one. You have put us right on the spot with Sami, and those police!!!! What is wrong with them these days? They are getting like that here in the UK, and I'm not liking it at all. But, who are those other men? I already think they are the goodies trying to trap the monsters who are taking girls. Well done, my friend, I'll be looking out for this one next week. :)) Sandra xx
Comment Written 26-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2024
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Thank you for your support and the kind review.
Comment from Tyler Withrow
That was both gripping and deeply disturbing. When I saw the picture, I was expecting something unsettling and you didn't disappoint. It is certainly a set up for a much larger story.
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2024
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That was both gripping and deeply disturbing. When I saw the picture, I was expecting something unsettling and you didn't disappoint. It is certainly a set up for a much larger story.
Comment Written 26-Jan-2024
reply by the author on 26-Jan-2024
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Thank you for your support and the kind review. I am continuing with this story.
