THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 36 "Assassinate the One Who Loves You"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
31 total reviews
Comment from boxergirl
Hi there, Jay. Sorry to be so late in my review but I'm glad I caught up to it! I always love the scenes with these two and your descriptive details are as engaging as ever! Great suspense at the end. :-)
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Hi there, Jay. Sorry to be so late in my review but I'm glad I caught up to it! I always love the scenes with these two and your descriptive details are as engaging as ever! Great suspense at the end. :-)
Comment Written 25-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
Comment from marion
Great writing as always Jay ... gripping chapter. Just a few small things, to consider. With me, it's always about reducing not needed words!
wind of their whipping wings? (Nice) Good description in this whole paragraph.
the shirt in the (shadowed) back of the closet. Sometimes I think you use words you don't need. Like in this case. I know it's only one, but it can add up to many in one chapter and then hundreds over a book. The back of a closet is shadowed, we know that ... be careful not to be too wordy. It's a fine balance when writing really descriptive works.
Again here - "Pondria," he said, (in greeting), - we know that ...
Here too - "Glnot," I answered, smiling back (at him). You don't need 'at him', so now you can start adding up words that can be dropped.
(He started) (Lazy writing!) nodding before he opened his mouth to speak, then continued nodding throughout
Try: He nodded before he opened his mouth to speak, then continued nodding throughout (Dropping words as well!) (And if you want to keep it, then use 'He began, rather than started)
Rephrase: If any good (was) to come of our being together, it (was) that it gave me something to focus on. It (was) keeping (It kept?) me out of myself, away from the craziness that seemed on its way to possessing me just a few moments ago. Time (was) my ally. (Time my ally?)
He beamed and his eyes misted. (???)
Marion.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Great writing as always Jay ... gripping chapter. Just a few small things, to consider. With me, it's always about reducing not needed words!
wind of their whipping wings? (Nice) Good description in this whole paragraph.
the shirt in the (shadowed) back of the closet. Sometimes I think you use words you don't need. Like in this case. I know it's only one, but it can add up to many in one chapter and then hundreds over a book. The back of a closet is shadowed, we know that ... be careful not to be too wordy. It's a fine balance when writing really descriptive works.
Again here - "Pondria," he said, (in greeting), - we know that ...
Here too - "Glnot," I answered, smiling back (at him). You don't need 'at him', so now you can start adding up words that can be dropped.
(He started) (Lazy writing!) nodding before he opened his mouth to speak, then continued nodding throughout
Try: He nodded before he opened his mouth to speak, then continued nodding throughout (Dropping words as well!) (And if you want to keep it, then use 'He began, rather than started)
Rephrase: If any good (was) to come of our being together, it (was) that it gave me something to focus on. It (was) keeping (It kept?) me out of myself, away from the craziness that seemed on its way to possessing me just a few moments ago. Time (was) my ally. (Time my ally?)
He beamed and his eyes misted. (???)
Marion.
Comment Written 23-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
-
Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug. In your case, Marion, I pasted your review in a folder along with a few others because it's so meaty and I don't have the time to totally devote to your suggestions now.
Comment from --Turtle.
A really strong and anticipated chapter, Jay. You do very well with building an awkward tension during dialogue. At the end of the chapter, things picked up in pace and even more tension. I enjoy your descriptions... though some edged on holding me a little longer than needed, only one in particular stuck in my mind that I pointed out as wondering about the need of a detail.
Nice pace and entertaining to read. I have to warn that I rambled in a few places of my review, forgive me for not deleting some if though I probably should have. I tagged it for extra caution that I don't know what I'm talking about sometimes.
elsewhere, gray, spoked wings(spoked gray wings?) flapped and slapped against
(paused on the order of weight of the adjectives handed to me... like old, little lady versus little old lady. )
slithering across the bullfrog's face, over the surface of one eye[,] while the other
corner a tiny diaphanous wing protruded. Percy's legacy.
(I really like how you bring back Percy in this moment... when again, Doctrex is in the grips of a inner battle, and the ceiling is almost a physical representation of his inner fight coming to life, and reality is hard to maintain, and some questionability of how much of the happenings on that ceiling is just in his mind)
I willed my biceps and forearms to slacken and [I]? managed to wiggle my fingers.
(Is this 'I' necessary? There's already a heavy abundance of them starting sentences...if yes... then I'll suggest adding a comma before that 'and I')
and emptied everything back to the dry sea floor ... and into my breath-craving lungs. (loads of detail and description in a single breath, I liked it)
****I typed this, and then I deleted it, and then I wondered if I should delete it... so I undeleted it. Maybe I should have kept this thought deleted, but instead, I'm leaving it undeleted with the warning... I think I should have maybe deleted it because I might be mistaken.
The moment I stopped thinking, for even an instant, about what my next move was, my hand collapsed to the bed, followed by the other--awaiting instruction.
(Paused here, Jay... there is a mix in if this is once or multiple times. I am not sure if I'm correct, but my thought was... if it was multiple times... would there be a would...? meaning:
The moment the quarter entered the machine, the monkey started dancing. == happening while I watch... one time
The moment the money entered the machine, be it a nickle or a dime, the monkey would start dancing.
Not sure, but when I read, I got this sense of uncertainty if what you have sort of mixed the two...
***********************see... I probably should have deleted the thought, but it happened, so I will leave it, but only with a heavy caution.
Still I persisted. Over what seemed like a half-hour, but what was[,]? in all
jacket of the purest white; atop each shoulder[,]? blossomed a gold epaulet. A
His ceremonial sword(,)? which had hung almost to the floor when he entered, now
torchlight flickered on their surface. (Nice details again)
throughout his answer. "Yes, it was, Brother. The Mojo was a stern master."
(The details of motion here continue to give Glnot a quirkiness I enjoy)
discussion, or where it might lead, was like avoiding a ... pomnot in the room.
(nice light-hearted sort of comparison adding flavor to the world you created while connecting it to a sort of phrase used to express unspoken and unavoidable unrest)
"She's ..." I interrupted, but was overcome by a wave of acidic nausea. I
(Great awkward dialogue and tenseness in the exchange here)
Was this the ceremonial uniform Rhuether wore after {he overthrew}(he'd overthrown?) the emperor of the Far Northern Province[,] to begin his reign? Was
(wondered why the comma) (also wondered if because this is so far in the past... if an initial push of he overthrew to he'd overthrown. Not sure. Thinking: Was this the dress Lucy wore after she'd won the lottery?
Don't want to push it too far into the past. Was this the dress she'd worn after winning the lottery?
Something I wondered as I read.
his generals, staring with fish-eyed bewilderment.
(I like the conflict of Doctrex having to fan the fires of remembering the bad stuff about Glnot... I appreciate it because it's easy to forget the bad of people when sitting in their good graces)
much to avoid Rhuether's amazement over Axtilla's transformation[,] as to lay the groundwork for a strategy to destroy him.
I halted in mid-sentence, though, when a wisp of perfumed air from somewhere behind me brushed like a warm breath across my right cheek, circled* in front, lingering at my lips, seeming to circle* them, then turning and rising {at an angle,} sweeping past my ear, leaving behind a sound like a sigh.
(I had some confusion at the 'circled in front', though I liked the circle at the lips... and I thought the 'at an angle' detracted from the moment that he seems to be sharing, perhaps with Axtilla in some way, this was one of those details I questioned needing to know, as the 'to the ear from the lips' generally has to happen at an angle. Forcing the reader for it to be specifically at an angle, I fixated on... why is that important? but I don't think it is... thus it stole a bit of importance from the ear, which was important as a sigh was coming.)
me a pained smile, his head a quick shake, and turned back. "Well? Come on(,) men ...." (really need this comma here)
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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A really strong and anticipated chapter, Jay. You do very well with building an awkward tension during dialogue. At the end of the chapter, things picked up in pace and even more tension. I enjoy your descriptions... though some edged on holding me a little longer than needed, only one in particular stuck in my mind that I pointed out as wondering about the need of a detail.
Nice pace and entertaining to read. I have to warn that I rambled in a few places of my review, forgive me for not deleting some if though I probably should have. I tagged it for extra caution that I don't know what I'm talking about sometimes.
elsewhere, gray, spoked wings(spoked gray wings?) flapped and slapped against
(paused on the order of weight of the adjectives handed to me... like old, little lady versus little old lady. )
slithering across the bullfrog's face, over the surface of one eye[,] while the other
corner a tiny diaphanous wing protruded. Percy's legacy.
(I really like how you bring back Percy in this moment... when again, Doctrex is in the grips of a inner battle, and the ceiling is almost a physical representation of his inner fight coming to life, and reality is hard to maintain, and some questionability of how much of the happenings on that ceiling is just in his mind)
I willed my biceps and forearms to slacken and [I]? managed to wiggle my fingers.
(Is this 'I' necessary? There's already a heavy abundance of them starting sentences...if yes... then I'll suggest adding a comma before that 'and I')
and emptied everything back to the dry sea floor ... and into my breath-craving lungs. (loads of detail and description in a single breath, I liked it)
****I typed this, and then I deleted it, and then I wondered if I should delete it... so I undeleted it. Maybe I should have kept this thought deleted, but instead, I'm leaving it undeleted with the warning... I think I should have maybe deleted it because I might be mistaken.
The moment I stopped thinking, for even an instant, about what my next move was, my hand collapsed to the bed, followed by the other--awaiting instruction.
(Paused here, Jay... there is a mix in if this is once or multiple times. I am not sure if I'm correct, but my thought was... if it was multiple times... would there be a would...? meaning:
The moment the quarter entered the machine, the monkey started dancing. == happening while I watch... one time
The moment the money entered the machine, be it a nickle or a dime, the monkey would start dancing.
Not sure, but when I read, I got this sense of uncertainty if what you have sort of mixed the two...
***********************see... I probably should have deleted the thought, but it happened, so I will leave it, but only with a heavy caution.
Still I persisted. Over what seemed like a half-hour, but what was[,]? in all
jacket of the purest white; atop each shoulder[,]? blossomed a gold epaulet. A
His ceremonial sword(,)? which had hung almost to the floor when he entered, now
torchlight flickered on their surface. (Nice details again)
throughout his answer. "Yes, it was, Brother. The Mojo was a stern master."
(The details of motion here continue to give Glnot a quirkiness I enjoy)
discussion, or where it might lead, was like avoiding a ... pomnot in the room.
(nice light-hearted sort of comparison adding flavor to the world you created while connecting it to a sort of phrase used to express unspoken and unavoidable unrest)
"She's ..." I interrupted, but was overcome by a wave of acidic nausea. I
(Great awkward dialogue and tenseness in the exchange here)
Was this the ceremonial uniform Rhuether wore after {he overthrew}(he'd overthrown?) the emperor of the Far Northern Province[,] to begin his reign? Was
(wondered why the comma) (also wondered if because this is so far in the past... if an initial push of he overthrew to he'd overthrown. Not sure. Thinking: Was this the dress Lucy wore after she'd won the lottery?
Don't want to push it too far into the past. Was this the dress she'd worn after winning the lottery?
Something I wondered as I read.
his generals, staring with fish-eyed bewilderment.
(I like the conflict of Doctrex having to fan the fires of remembering the bad stuff about Glnot... I appreciate it because it's easy to forget the bad of people when sitting in their good graces)
much to avoid Rhuether's amazement over Axtilla's transformation[,] as to lay the groundwork for a strategy to destroy him.
I halted in mid-sentence, though, when a wisp of perfumed air from somewhere behind me brushed like a warm breath across my right cheek, circled* in front, lingering at my lips, seeming to circle* them, then turning and rising {at an angle,} sweeping past my ear, leaving behind a sound like a sigh.
(I had some confusion at the 'circled in front', though I liked the circle at the lips... and I thought the 'at an angle' detracted from the moment that he seems to be sharing, perhaps with Axtilla in some way, this was one of those details I questioned needing to know, as the 'to the ear from the lips' generally has to happen at an angle. Forcing the reader for it to be specifically at an angle, I fixated on... why is that important? but I don't think it is... thus it stole a bit of importance from the ear, which was important as a sigh was coming.)
me a pained smile, his head a quick shake, and turned back. "Well? Come on(,) men ...." (really need this comma here)
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
-
Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug. In your case, Turtle, I pasted your review in a folder along with a few others because it's so meaty and I don't have the time to totally devote to your suggestions now.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Great job, Jay! I felt the unease and tension in Pondria, dealing with Axtilla's death and summoning the necessary anger to defeat Glnot. The next chapter should be epic. Looking forward to it. Please consider the following.
I nodded as well and my eyes roved toward his right hand that lay across the scabbard of his sword,--Suggest a comma before and
I glanced over to see that Rhuether had been watching me all the while because, at that moment, he inclined his head and seemed to survey the ceiling.-- I stumbled over this one. It seems a bit redundant and overly wordy. I glanced over to see that Rhuether... Suggest I glanced over to Rhuether. He had been watching me all the while, and at that moment, he inclined his head, seeming... I don't know maybe something like that.
Overall, great job!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
|
Great job, Jay! I felt the unease and tension in Pondria, dealing with Axtilla's death and summoning the necessary anger to defeat Glnot. The next chapter should be epic. Looking forward to it. Please consider the following.
I nodded as well and my eyes roved toward his right hand that lay across the scabbard of his sword,--Suggest a comma before and
I glanced over to see that Rhuether had been watching me all the while because, at that moment, he inclined his head and seemed to survey the ceiling.-- I stumbled over this one. It seems a bit redundant and overly wordy. I glanced over to see that Rhuether... Suggest I glanced over to Rhuether. He had been watching me all the while, and at that moment, he inclined his head, seeming... I don't know maybe something like that.
Overall, great job!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
-
In your case, Turtle, I pasted your review in a folder along with a few others because it's so meaty and I don't have the time to totally devote to your suggestions now. Russell, I did take that one suggestion and pasted it directly from your review. THANKS!
Comment from William Ross
I haven't read much of this story except this chapter, but I find the writing of it excellent. it has a pace that keeps the reader wanting more, plenty of excitement. I read the notes and all seems to have a great storyline.
I'm not a big book reader, the writing and structure seem great to me. have a wonderful day
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
|
I haven't read much of this story except this chapter, but I find the writing of it excellent. it has a pace that keeps the reader wanting more, plenty of excitement. I read the notes and all seems to have a great storyline.
I'm not a big book reader, the writing and structure seem great to me. have a wonderful day
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
-
Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Jay Squires,
It's a nice piece of Fantasy Fiction in continuation, having impressive wording with lively imagery at some places.
Smooth and captivating flow throughout up to the end - an open end, "Right now someone had better start talking."
Interesting!
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
|
Hello Jay Squires,
It's a nice piece of Fantasy Fiction in continuation, having impressive wording with lively imagery at some places.
Smooth and captivating flow throughout up to the end - an open end, "Right now someone had better start talking."
Interesting!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
-
Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
Well, you know where to end the chapter to keep us hanging on--Actually, to keep us panting for more, Jay. It looks like this is a clever intervention, whether accidentally or not, by the characters... I don't think they are taking any notice of you anymore. Maybe they are dictating the story to you. I've heard characters sometimes go off in their own direction, writing the story themselves. How are your plans? Hope you haven't got a mutiny on your hands. Giddy :):)
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
|
Well, you know where to end the chapter to keep us hanging on--Actually, to keep us panting for more, Jay. It looks like this is a clever intervention, whether accidentally or not, by the characters... I don't think they are taking any notice of you anymore. Maybe they are dictating the story to you. I've heard characters sometimes go off in their own direction, writing the story themselves. How are your plans? Hope you haven't got a mutiny on your hands. Giddy :):)
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
-
Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
Comment from GracieAnn
Hey, Jay.
Long time no hear from, yes? Your novel is epic and I'm getting back into it as I can. Strong, emotive and dense in descriptions. Convincing inner thought-world of the characters. Good work, my friend. :0 GracieAnn
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Hey, Jay.
Long time no hear from, yes? Your novel is epic and I'm getting back into it as I can. Strong, emotive and dense in descriptions. Convincing inner thought-world of the characters. Good work, my friend. :0 GracieAnn
Comment Written 22-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
-
Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
Comment from Reedblitzerman
[I cowered against the vision of a viper slithering across the bullfrog's face, over the surface of one eye] yes, this is a nice image.
[Rhuether sat stiffly across from me in full military dress, complete with blue and red ribbons and medals of gold and silver] nice description. Easy to visualize.
["She's ..." I interrupted, but was overcome by a wave of acidic nausea. I waited for it to pass, and then, noting his puzzled expression, muttered an apology and pointed to my throat as I cleared it. "I swallowed wrong." I shook my head. "Anyway, she's over that, Glnot.] The timing on that scene is lovely.
[ I halted in mid-sentence, though, when a wisp of perfumed air from somewhere behind me brushed like a warm breath across my right cheek, circled in front, lingering at my lips, seeming to circle them, then turning and rising at an angle, sweeping past my ear, leaving behind a sound like a sigh.] Nice hook. It was lyrical. And you left us hanging.
["Right now someone had better start talking."] another nice hook.
This is a nice transition to the climax. I think maybe the beginning of the chapter was slow, as we'd seen some of this in the last. But the scenery of the moving ceiling was captivating. Did that portend something yet to come?
The possible reunion with Axtilla was a great hook. I'm left wondering if he imagined it or if she's with him somehow. Bravo! And as for Glnot, it is more interesting when the bad guys aren't all bad, yes? That conflict could be central to the chapter. I suppose Doctrex might blame him for Axtilla's death? As if Glnot and Kyre were somehow associated. Or has the momentum already started? I suppose it has. The plans he laid previous give you a nice track to run on.
So the backstory you already laid is paying off now. I didn't see the interruption coming. I assume Doctrex didn't either. So it will be interesting to see what happens next!
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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[I cowered against the vision of a viper slithering across the bullfrog's face, over the surface of one eye] yes, this is a nice image.
[Rhuether sat stiffly across from me in full military dress, complete with blue and red ribbons and medals of gold and silver] nice description. Easy to visualize.
["She's ..." I interrupted, but was overcome by a wave of acidic nausea. I waited for it to pass, and then, noting his puzzled expression, muttered an apology and pointed to my throat as I cleared it. "I swallowed wrong." I shook my head. "Anyway, she's over that, Glnot.] The timing on that scene is lovely.
[ I halted in mid-sentence, though, when a wisp of perfumed air from somewhere behind me brushed like a warm breath across my right cheek, circled in front, lingering at my lips, seeming to circle them, then turning and rising at an angle, sweeping past my ear, leaving behind a sound like a sigh.] Nice hook. It was lyrical. And you left us hanging.
["Right now someone had better start talking."] another nice hook.
This is a nice transition to the climax. I think maybe the beginning of the chapter was slow, as we'd seen some of this in the last. But the scenery of the moving ceiling was captivating. Did that portend something yet to come?
The possible reunion with Axtilla was a great hook. I'm left wondering if he imagined it or if she's with him somehow. Bravo! And as for Glnot, it is more interesting when the bad guys aren't all bad, yes? That conflict could be central to the chapter. I suppose Doctrex might blame him for Axtilla's death? As if Glnot and Kyre were somehow associated. Or has the momentum already started? I suppose it has. The plans he laid previous give you a nice track to run on.
So the backstory you already laid is paying off now. I didn't see the interruption coming. I assume Doctrex didn't either. So it will be interesting to see what happens next!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
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Jay, you're welcome!!
Comment from GWHARGIS
I wish I had read this earlier in the week. It deserves a six and yet I don't have one. I love the cliff hanger ending. Good descriptive passages about his making the bed. I found myself imaging how I would have been after his trauma. I can't wait for the next one. Gretchen
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
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I wish I had read this earlier in the week. It deserves a six and yet I don't have one. I love the cliff hanger ending. Good descriptive passages about his making the bed. I found myself imaging how I would have been after his trauma. I can't wait for the next one. Gretchen
Comment Written 21-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2016
-
Please accept a simple pasted thanks. I?ve answered this exhaustively (and exhaustedly) three times and it comes back unanswered. Just an overwhelming THANKS from me and a huge hug.
