THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Mystery Visitor & the Timid Tailor"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
24 total reviews
Comment from LeannaP
Hi Jay!
I found this to be excellent.
I liked the ,mysterious tone of the plot and
how you used and played with words to evoke
emotion out of your readers.
Very significant when trying
to capture an audience. For instance,
I doubted the doctor would return again, but if he did I could single him out without looking..."
Great line!
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
  |
Hi Jay!
I found this to be excellent.
I liked the ,mysterious tone of the plot and
how you used and played with words to evoke
emotion out of your readers.
Very significant when trying
to capture an audience. For instance,
I doubted the doctor would return again, but if he did I could single him out without looking..."
Great line!
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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So glad to have your perceptive vision of my chapter, Leanna. Hope you come back. Come good chapters coming.
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hi jay,
you are welcome
Comment from robyn corum
After completing this read, I must tell you that I am highly impressed - which happens way too rarely on this site. You have a great deal of talent, though I did find a few nits and things to remark on:
1.) Your artwork choice is FREAK-EEE COOL!
2.) the difference in the sound and direction of the air going into and out of my nostrils.
--> Jay, I'm a HUGE believer in 'flow', that wonderful state when the reader gets caught up in your story and forgets where they are. I try to AVOID ANYTHING that STOPS. THE. FLOW. Make sense?
--> Before the sentence above, I was caught up, doing great, but here I STOPPED. The word 'direction' threw me - even though it's appropriate - because it's so unusual. I had to stop and experience this for myself, so some quiet (mostly!) breathing took place here for a few seconds before I started to read again -- and then I thought, oops! not good! wanted to mention it.
3.) at the mercy of shifting wind(s) and chang(ing) current(s) on my inner life. (??)
--> delete 'inner' ??
4.) I needed to be in top form for my encounter with Glnot Rhuether, not be in a haze.
--> delete 'not be in a haze' -- you've established this.
5.) Even from this distance, and in shadow, I recognized (his) crisply pressed
--> otherwise, it sounds like that's what he's bringing YOU
6.) measuring tape, hanging around his neck, equidistant on either side to mid
--> never saw one of these longer than 60" total. If this man is even 5' tall, that means the tape is at least 100 inches long! [ 5 feet x 12 inches =60" / 60" x 2 sides of his body = 120" / minus his shins = 2 shins x 12 inches maybe = 24" / 120 total inches - 24 inches = 96" / PLUS 4-6" for the back of his neck = a total of 100-102 inches long!]
7.) and cast his glance around as for a (location) to (place) it down.
--> delete 'down'
8.) "If you have no objection, sir, once you put on your uniform, I need--I have been instructed to--to take your measurements so I can make you other clothing to wear."
--> very nicely done!
9.)You can set the package here(period)" I patted a space...
10.) "If I could have you open the package for me while I get the blood flowing down to my legs."
--> delete 'down' (much of the time 'directional' words are not necessary
11.) I'd have never imagined a hospital skirt before
--> did you intend this wording? 'I'd HAVE never..?
12.) I reached the end, but was surprised by the words, having read these earlier: 'He let out a low whistle, and his eyes darted about, just above my head...' I thought you might be intimating there was a recording device capturing everything and the man was trying to let Doctrix in on the secret.
Very interesting! If you don't mind, I may follow to see what happens next --If you can stand my harsh reviews! They are always intended to be helpful - and I always hope they are taken with the understanding that they are merely one person's opinion and may certainly be chucked if not useful. *smile*
If you decide to revise, let me know and I'll happily take another look and possibly revise the rating!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
 |
After completing this read, I must tell you that I am highly impressed - which happens way too rarely on this site. You have a great deal of talent, though I did find a few nits and things to remark on:
1.) Your artwork choice is FREAK-EEE COOL!
2.) the difference in the sound and direction of the air going into and out of my nostrils.
--> Jay, I'm a HUGE believer in 'flow', that wonderful state when the reader gets caught up in your story and forgets where they are. I try to AVOID ANYTHING that STOPS. THE. FLOW. Make sense?
--> Before the sentence above, I was caught up, doing great, but here I STOPPED. The word 'direction' threw me - even though it's appropriate - because it's so unusual. I had to stop and experience this for myself, so some quiet (mostly!) breathing took place here for a few seconds before I started to read again -- and then I thought, oops! not good! wanted to mention it.
3.) at the mercy of shifting wind(s) and chang(ing) current(s) on my inner life. (??)
--> delete 'inner' ??
4.) I needed to be in top form for my encounter with Glnot Rhuether, not be in a haze.
--> delete 'not be in a haze' -- you've established this.
5.) Even from this distance, and in shadow, I recognized (his) crisply pressed
--> otherwise, it sounds like that's what he's bringing YOU
6.) measuring tape, hanging around his neck, equidistant on either side to mid
--> never saw one of these longer than 60" total. If this man is even 5' tall, that means the tape is at least 100 inches long! [ 5 feet x 12 inches =60" / 60" x 2 sides of his body = 120" / minus his shins = 2 shins x 12 inches maybe = 24" / 120 total inches - 24 inches = 96" / PLUS 4-6" for the back of his neck = a total of 100-102 inches long!]
7.) and cast his glance around as for a (location) to (place) it down.
--> delete 'down'
8.) "If you have no objection, sir, once you put on your uniform, I need--I have been instructed to--to take your measurements so I can make you other clothing to wear."
--> very nicely done!
9.)You can set the package here(period)" I patted a space...
10.) "If I could have you open the package for me while I get the blood flowing down to my legs."
--> delete 'down' (much of the time 'directional' words are not necessary
11.) I'd have never imagined a hospital skirt before
--> did you intend this wording? 'I'd HAVE never..?
12.) I reached the end, but was surprised by the words, having read these earlier: 'He let out a low whistle, and his eyes darted about, just above my head...' I thought you might be intimating there was a recording device capturing everything and the man was trying to let Doctrix in on the secret.
Very interesting! If you don't mind, I may follow to see what happens next --If you can stand my harsh reviews! They are always intended to be helpful - and I always hope they are taken with the understanding that they are merely one person's opinion and may certainly be chucked if not useful. *smile*
If you decide to revise, let me know and I'll happily take another look and possibly revise the rating!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
-
I don't care about the star. You are a treasure I don't want to lose. I have three others on FS who give comprehensive reviews (as I try to do). I made a few of the changes as you suggested. Others, like the tape measure, I need to rethink. You were very funny in your mathematical analysis, and so apt. I need to consider the rewording of it and that will take a while.
I'm so happy you fanned me. Now that I see what you can do, I would like to reciprocate, if you have no objection.
3.) at the mercy of shifting wind(s) and chang(ing) current(s) on my inner life. (??)
--> delete 'inner' ?? [Inner life was important. He was concerned about his senses with which he's always been in close touch. What he was experiencing was more of a "hangover" from his 5 day, drug induced coma. No, inner is important here. I'll look the rest of the phrase over, though.
a total of 100-102 inches long!] [Leave it to a math major! LOL, thanks for that. I'll make the adjustments.
I'd have never imagined a hospital skirt before
--> did you intend this wording? 'I'd HAVE never..? [Yep, what I intended. Both work, but yours works more efficiently and saves me a word.
I thought you might be intimating there was a recording device capturing everything and the man was trying to let Doctrix in on the secret. [No, it's simply a way to show this tailor doesn't know what to do. It doesn't reference anything. I've seen people do just that, especially if they are uncomfortable and fearful.
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Jay,
I'm so thrilled you're a 'big boy' and can take an honest critique. It can be a rare thing here! hahahaha
Thanks for the explanations - though not needed. It's your work and you may do as you please - though it does help my understanding!
Peace out -
Comment from Curly Girly
This read well, I spotted no spags. I read the character list at the bottom. It seems to me that I'm out of my depth, not having followed the story before, but this chapter read well.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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This read well, I spotted no spags. I read the character list at the bottom. It seems to me that I'm out of my depth, not having followed the story before, but this chapter read well.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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I was afraid the Character list when too deep, but I wanted it there also for the readers who have followed all along, but forgot some of it over the hiatus.
Comment from LIJ Red
Font's fine, but I ain't sensitive. Good work on the cast of characters. How about a phonetic pronunciation guide- I doubt that Gullnot Roother is his real name.
Was "devise" not "device" a nit? Who was that dude at the table?(Rhetorical) That tailor's twitchiness is a realistic touch.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Font's fine, but I ain't sensitive. Good work on the cast of characters. How about a phonetic pronunciation guide- I doubt that Gullnot Roother is his real name.
Was "devise" not "device" a nit? Who was that dude at the table?(Rhetorical) That tailor's twitchiness is a realistic touch.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2015
reply by the author on 06-Sep-2015
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Thank you, sir. Yes, it should be device. I've corrected it. Yeah, a phonetic pronunciation guide would be good (ain't gonna happen in the near future, though). Thanks much, friend.
