THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 34 "Kyre's Play and the Pliancy of Time"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
39 total reviews
Comment from robyn corum
Okay. Is it okay to tell you that Kyre is on my poop list for the day? As a matter of fact, he very well may stay in the top position all WEEK. ICKY. Icky man/god/beast/whatever. Not happy with him right now. Just saying.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
  |
Okay. Is it okay to tell you that Kyre is on my poop list for the day? As a matter of fact, he very well may stay in the top position all WEEK. ICKY. Icky man/god/beast/whatever. Not happy with him right now. Just saying.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
-
That's cool. Don't want to get on his bad side, that's for sure. LOL, thanks, Robyn. Gettin' near the end.
Comment from write hand blue
Hi Jay. This is an awesome write and a little disturbing to have a god like figure controlling like that. I'm doing my best to understand the complexities of the plot. The time of night (or age) doesn't help. But I think that I may be winning. LOL. ~Mel~
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
|
Hi Jay. This is an awesome write and a little disturbing to have a god like figure controlling like that. I'm doing my best to understand the complexities of the plot. The time of night (or age) doesn't help. But I think that I may be winning. LOL. ~Mel~
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
-
LOL, thanks, Mel. I appreciate your trying to understand it. There is a thread of congruency, but unfortunately it starts with book I and continues throughout.
Comment from lancellot
A very well crafted chapter. It is very creepy and fascinating having a mortal speaking and within the power of a near god. Specially one with questionable morals and motives. It's just sooo juicy. Perfect chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
 |
A very well crafted chapter. It is very creepy and fascinating having a mortal speaking and within the power of a near god. Specially one with questionable morals and motives. It's just sooo juicy. Perfect chapter.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
-
Many thanks, Lance. I am so anxious to call this a wrap.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Nice, Jay! I enjoyed your development of Kyre in this chapter, controlling everything like a play. I am really looking forward to the next installment.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
|
Nice, Jay! I enjoyed your development of Kyre in this chapter, controlling everything like a play. I am really looking forward to the next installment.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
-
Thanks, RUssell. I'm so pleased you enjoyed this. I've one of yours to read tonight.
Comment from robina1978
I have the feeling you are writing an excellent book. But as I came in so late it is difficult for me to follow. Good balance between narrative and dialogues. At the start you were writing about a person still loves the same person, even though they have a different name.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
|
I have the feeling you are writing an excellent book. But as I came in so late it is difficult for me to follow. Good balance between narrative and dialogues. At the start you were writing about a person still loves the same person, even though they have a different name.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
-
Bless you, Robina, for your kindness. Only time and an exhaustive edit will tell whether it's an excellent book. I appreciate you're seeing something in it though.
Comment from Sis Cat
Clean, engaging prose. What struckme, Jay, in this chapter was your expert use of Pondria's crisis of faith following the death of Axtilla. He reaches the point of wanting Kyre to kill him in order "to hide from your destiny." He soon learns that the matter is out of his hand and that he must play his part to achieve his "appointment with your destiny." Crisis of faith where doubt and despair seeps into the hero's quest is common in world literature. You depicted this crisis with passion and creativity.
Another thing that resonated with me was Doctrex meeting with a god. As a storyteller who has played gods in folktales, I found your chapter tapped into a universal desire to know the answers of life from its source and to believe in something, someone larger than ourselves. We all want to know what our destinies are. We may not be in a fantasy world battling armies, but each of us are traveling the same journey of self-awareness. This is one of the great things about fantasy writing: we can see our lives, hopes, and dreams play out on the page and hopefully bring back a boon to help us in our quest.
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
|
Clean, engaging prose. What struckme, Jay, in this chapter was your expert use of Pondria's crisis of faith following the death of Axtilla. He reaches the point of wanting Kyre to kill him in order "to hide from your destiny." He soon learns that the matter is out of his hand and that he must play his part to achieve his "appointment with your destiny." Crisis of faith where doubt and despair seeps into the hero's quest is common in world literature. You depicted this crisis with passion and creativity.
Another thing that resonated with me was Doctrex meeting with a god. As a storyteller who has played gods in folktales, I found your chapter tapped into a universal desire to know the answers of life from its source and to believe in something, someone larger than ourselves. We all want to know what our destinies are. We may not be in a fantasy world battling armies, but each of us are traveling the same journey of self-awareness. This is one of the great things about fantasy writing: we can see our lives, hopes, and dreams play out on the page and hopefully bring back a boon to help us in our quest.
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
-
Andre, we're gonna have to stop meeting at the 6 star bar. You have been so kind to my book. I'm thrilled it resonates with you. I'm really looking forward to the big THE END--though it will be just the beginning of a major 3 book edit.
Comment from Dashjianta
Pondria missed the clue that having prior knowledge of events might affect how they play out, suggesting that, while Kyre can manipulate events to fall out how he wishes, they can still go awry. I wonder if that will come into play later. And then there's the argument that Kyre only made the threats he did about messing with Pondria's memory because it was the only way to put things on the needed path, suggesting other outcomes were possible without Kyre's interference.
Good way to work in a reminder about Zurn. I've been wondering how things will work out for him.
Suggestions:
--I'm wondering if the opening 3 paragraphs would work better as one para, because Kyre's the one speaking/acting in all three. Not sure thought.
"Come, son, sit."
--Would it work better with a full stop in place of the second comma? Is just that "Come" and "sit" feel like two different commands to me.
"You remember the hand in the center of your back?"
--Make this part of the previous paragraph because Kyre's the one acting/speaking?
Then, I slowly shook my head and looked up.
--Delete comma.
If she loved me as Pondria ...
--I'm probably overthinking this, but it might flow better if you add "why" before his thought trails off so Kyre's "Because" is a direct answer to it.
He sighed, I thought(,) to milk out the drama.
bolster her high(er) purpose, reestablish her destiny."
--Not sure on this one, just suggesting it so it fits with the 'higher reason' earlier. Though season 'high purpose' again in Pondria's dialogue I'm even less sure.
"So it was from her resolve and high purpose that I heard her cry out in her sleep, Kyre?
--Do you need to use Kyre's name here? It feels like Pondria's overusing it, yet, looking back, he hasn't. Odd.
his chair for the jar of Jellybeans
--small 'j' on 'jellybeans'.
he continued as he chewed.(,) "Some things exist,
I slammed the word right so hard in the sentence, spat it out so loudly(,) the blood raced to my head.
He'd spent too much
--Change 'he'd' to 'he's to fit with the 'now' at the end of the sentence.
"Now(,) Pondria, let's talk about you."
he made a wide(,) sweeping gesture with his arm
"So(,) shall the play ... resume?"
--Because I always think of there being a pause when people start with 'so' when speaking.
and of that only Kyre knew the outcome.
--Something's throwing me in this sentence, and I don't know what. Maybe the 'of' is unneeded?
With my lips to her ear(,) I whispered,
Then, I let out a long breath
--Delete comma.
Then, I stood and turned toward Kyre and the door.
--Same here.
Would they have gone, instead, to get back-up guards?
--Delete 'guards'?
"What!" I shouted.
--Consider using a ? instead of the !, as 'shouted' tells the reader how it's delivered.
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2016
|
Pondria missed the clue that having prior knowledge of events might affect how they play out, suggesting that, while Kyre can manipulate events to fall out how he wishes, they can still go awry. I wonder if that will come into play later. And then there's the argument that Kyre only made the threats he did about messing with Pondria's memory because it was the only way to put things on the needed path, suggesting other outcomes were possible without Kyre's interference.
Good way to work in a reminder about Zurn. I've been wondering how things will work out for him.
Suggestions:
--I'm wondering if the opening 3 paragraphs would work better as one para, because Kyre's the one speaking/acting in all three. Not sure thought.
"Come, son, sit."
--Would it work better with a full stop in place of the second comma? Is just that "Come" and "sit" feel like two different commands to me.
"You remember the hand in the center of your back?"
--Make this part of the previous paragraph because Kyre's the one acting/speaking?
Then, I slowly shook my head and looked up.
--Delete comma.
If she loved me as Pondria ...
--I'm probably overthinking this, but it might flow better if you add "why" before his thought trails off so Kyre's "Because" is a direct answer to it.
He sighed, I thought(,) to milk out the drama.
bolster her high(er) purpose, reestablish her destiny."
--Not sure on this one, just suggesting it so it fits with the 'higher reason' earlier. Though season 'high purpose' again in Pondria's dialogue I'm even less sure.
"So it was from her resolve and high purpose that I heard her cry out in her sleep, Kyre?
--Do you need to use Kyre's name here? It feels like Pondria's overusing it, yet, looking back, he hasn't. Odd.
his chair for the jar of Jellybeans
--small 'j' on 'jellybeans'.
he continued as he chewed.(,) "Some things exist,
I slammed the word right so hard in the sentence, spat it out so loudly(,) the blood raced to my head.
He'd spent too much
--Change 'he'd' to 'he's to fit with the 'now' at the end of the sentence.
"Now(,) Pondria, let's talk about you."
he made a wide(,) sweeping gesture with his arm
"So(,) shall the play ... resume?"
--Because I always think of there being a pause when people start with 'so' when speaking.
and of that only Kyre knew the outcome.
--Something's throwing me in this sentence, and I don't know what. Maybe the 'of' is unneeded?
With my lips to her ear(,) I whispered,
Then, I let out a long breath
--Delete comma.
Then, I stood and turned toward Kyre and the door.
--Same here.
Would they have gone, instead, to get back-up guards?
--Delete 'guards'?
"What!" I shouted.
--Consider using a ? instead of the !, as 'shouted' tells the reader how it's delivered.
Comment Written 21-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 23-Jun-2016
-
Alex, thanks for your usual in-depth review. I pasted it and Turtle's to my folder for after the post drops. I don't want to rush through it. Just know you are appreciated.
Comment from Spitfire
A lot to take in her with esoteric explanation of what seems to be going on in different dimensions. I'm not sure I can follow it, but I will make a comment on the writing.
Count the number of times you see "which" in the following sentence:
"But ..." He threw up his hands, palms open, and his face adopted the expression of mock surprise, with a slow shake of his head and an open mouth which slowly transformed to a smile, "the point is, you shouldn't feel threatened. On this stage, in front of which I am the only audience, the actors have all played their parts, including your antics now, which I am enjoying as added suspense, leading to the climax.
Also, the sentences are too long and strung together with clauses. You know how to fix it. :-)
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
|
A lot to take in her with esoteric explanation of what seems to be going on in different dimensions. I'm not sure I can follow it, but I will make a comment on the writing.
Count the number of times you see "which" in the following sentence:
"But ..." He threw up his hands, palms open, and his face adopted the expression of mock surprise, with a slow shake of his head and an open mouth which slowly transformed to a smile, "the point is, you shouldn't feel threatened. On this stage, in front of which I am the only audience, the actors have all played their parts, including your antics now, which I am enjoying as added suspense, leading to the climax.
Also, the sentences are too long and strung together with clauses. You know how to fix it. :-)
Comment Written 20-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 21-Jun-2016
-
Thank you, Shari. I'll take a long, close look at that paragraph. There are three "which's in two sentences. A quick fix, WHICH would knock off one, would be to end the sentence with : "including your antics now." Then add, "I am enjoying them as added suspense ..." etc. I'll have to write this suggestion down and see how to incorporate it in the edit.
As usual, you are invaluable to me here. Thank you.
-
I remember my sixth grade teacher telling us to avoid the word. "It's the ugliest word in the English language," Mrs. McGowan said. Yes, she made a big impression on me probably because she predicted that I would be the writer in the class. :-)
-
...are we still talking about "which"? I rather like it, although she probably would have made me a believer. Wouldn't you like to know how she arrived at that, though? I remember an English teacher, Mrs. Bain, who told me the "t" in "often" should never be pronounced. To this day I cringe when I hear someone "mispronounce" it.
-
Me too!
Comment from amahra
Hi Jay, I'm sorry to be absent so much, but I love this chapter. It sounds so interesting, I so wish I had come in on the beginning. But I can understand enough of it to know its a really good story. One, thing, though, I noticed the word 'settee'. Wow I haven't heard that word since my grandmother used it when she was alive. Great writing.
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2016
|
Hi Jay, I'm sorry to be absent so much, but I love this chapter. It sounds so interesting, I so wish I had come in on the beginning. But I can understand enough of it to know its a really good story. One, thing, though, I noticed the word 'settee'. Wow I haven't heard that word since my grandmother used it when she was alive. Great writing.
Comment Written 20-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2016
-
AMA!!!! You're back! (What's wrong with my back, she says.) I thought you left us. Are you still going to post your Vampire/werewolf novel? What have you been doing--that you can tell me about?
Yeah, I don't know where settee came from. I just got tired of couch and no one says davenport any more.
Thanks for reading, Ama, and stick around, K?
-
No not really. I am being very selective in the chapters I'm reading. I'm only reading my favorite writers, Masters, you and a couple of others. I am so sorry that I've missed so many chapters, Jay. But my son has asked me to ghost write his fantasy book, a genre that is not my favorite. It includes trolls, elves. cyclops, etc.. And I had to read other fantasy books and do research. And due to my frustration, he and I began to argue and I actually quit twice. But he was right and I was wrong so the book is back on again. Plus the narrator I hired has just completed turning my Glass Cat Eye thriller into an audio, And I'm getting Dark Covenant ready for the editor. So you see why I was away so long and not quite back yet. but thank you for missing me.
Comment from Selina Stambi
Ha! I was not incorrect in my surmise ... Axitillia is going to make a comeback of sorts from the dead, right? ... hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!
This story is so complex, Jay, full of twists and turns.
Well done, friend.
Sonali
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2016
|
Ha! I was not incorrect in my surmise ... Axitillia is going to make a comeback of sorts from the dead, right? ... hurrah, hurrah, hurrah!
This story is so complex, Jay, full of twists and turns.
Well done, friend.
Sonali
Comment Written 20-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 20-Jun-2016
-
I don't think you'll guess the climax, Sonali. If you do, I'll change it. LOL, I'm so happy you've been loyal to me and the book.
