Comment from F. Wehr3

Excellent

Really good chapter, Jay. I have been anticipating the moment for a while now. I wasn't bothered by the length of the piece. I love your style. I found a couple of things for your consideration.

'Similar sealed, but blank, assignments awaited Axtilla's and my meeting.' Similarly?

He nodded and we ate our fruit in silence.' Place comma before and.

He glanced at me, popped the fruit in his mouth and shook his head, vigorously." Just a stray quotation mark.

Take care,
Russell

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016

THanks, Russell, for the fine review and for the catches. On the Similar/similarly question ... I wanted "similar," but it may be a question of a comma after it. I want the context to be (some) similar sealed, but blank assignments ... thanks for helping me make my post sparkle.

Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)

Exceptional

Yes, I agree there isn't a good place to stop until the end. I try not to hive away sixes on Sunday, but alas, I am giving you my last one. This is coming together so well. I hope you are working with a publisher, Jay. This is really quality writing and deserves to be published, my friend. Have a good and productive week. Katie Jo has a short story posted if you want to see what she has been working on. Great chapter~Debbie

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016

You are so encouraging, Debbie. Thank you for your confidence in my writing abilities. I appreciate it. Why didn't I see the Katie Jo story? It didn't pop up in my inbox. I'll look for it.

Comment from JessD

Good

Your vocabulary fits what I've read from the story so far, great choice of word play. I love reading stories that come from a vivid imagination. I've enjoyed interpreting your work into my own theories, keep writing.

This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016

Thanks, Jess.

Comment from Gloria ....

Excellent

Well Jay, you had me at the mysterious white, gold-necked bird returning to Pondria's work-table. To me, always a good omen.

Very nice touch with the clearing of the throat and laughing with too big a slice of orongos. Smells like an orange to me. :))

I am amazed at how far you've come with this Jay. Your writing is so fluid now and filled with vivid descriptions and energy.

This is really top of the line writing and that's no shit. Wow. Most impressive.

Gloria

 Comment Written 28-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 30-Mar-2016

Bless you in your kindness, Gloria. I always appreciate your dropping by, especially when you are so encouraging.

Comment from MTF1955

Excellent

Fascinating and riveting. Wonderfully written. The only question I had was about this sentence. reads funny. I dared not guess where was he going with this fractured inquiry. Great job. Mary

 Comment Written 27-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016

Thank you, Mary. I'll take another look at that sentence.

Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep

Exceptional

It didn't seem so long to me, Jay. As you said, there is really nowhere to break it. I really enjoyed just getting on a bit with the story and the buildup to this meeting with Axtilla. Not to mention the impending battle... I really want to see both events happen soon. Giddy

 Comment Written 27-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016

Hey, GIddy. You and I both are anxious to see this come to a satisfying ending. I sure do appreciate the 6 stars.

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

The length isn't a problem because the story is good and keeps the readers interest.

When Rhuether entered, I looked up from the orongos I was peeling and smiled. (oranges? I guess I am missing something because you spelled it this way quite a few times.)

 Comment Written 27-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016

This isn't earth, but I probably should have picked a fruit name that was far different from an orange.

Comment from RGstar

Excellent

With a text this long there is bound to be a couple of spags, so I was not looking as I saw some comments.I read through as I would do any book, and if something substantial jumped out at me which I thought might help the author in the long run, I would be there with an input, but! On the contrary. I found this to be concise, cleanly done and book material for sure.

I would call this a holding chapter where a sense of dialogue was the order of the day. Good holding time, good level of intensity between the characters.

Nothing but praise again.
Good job.
Have a great Sunday.
RG

 Comment Written 27-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016

Thank you so much, RG. I read each post at least three times, once aloud, so I'm not as likely to have misspellings or errors with something I'm aware of. That said, commas are my nemesis. thanks, RG, for your kindness.

Comment from GWHARGIS

Exceptional

I really want to taste one of those orongos lol. My mouth waters Everytime you mention them. I like the vulnerability of Glnot. I wasn't expecting the fear of intimacy he showed. Well written. Long but held me til the end. Gretchen

 Comment Written 27-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016

You're the best, Gretchen. Thank you so much for your kindness. A lot of people weren't expecting that.

Comment from boxergirl

Excellent

Hi Jay,
Another great scene between the brothers. Your descriptive details were so strong and were engaging from the start.
It was very easy to visualize the whole conversation and I was thoroughly entertained.

Hope you are having a happy Easter! :-)

 Comment Written 27-Mar-2016

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reply by the author on 27-Mar-2016

I'm so happy, Karen, that you enjoyed this chapter. I appreciate your being here for me.