| Biographical Non-Fiction posted November 11, 2023 | Chapters: |
...55 56 -57- 58... 
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What is done is done... Age 16
A chapter in the book Ghost
The Fury PT2
by Lea Tonin1
The author has placed a warning on this post for language.
Take that which shakes and bleeds
Clean the wounds no other sees
Grip the pain with constancy
Exsanguination family
Slip the noose the path I see
My sanity comes back with ease.
Tangled beast soon to bleed
With only husks left with need.
Take his rage that rips the hole
Flail my bones in dust they roll
Falling feet, face takes the toll
Forever more in hell your soul.
***Lea Tonin***
*****************************
I must now write the hardest words I've ever written. A confession of what was as best as I remember it.
All of what I did, all of what he did and what had to be done for freedom.
I've dreaded writing this. Dreaded writing about this battle between him and myself afraid to give it more life that it deserves.
All I can do is lay it out before you, the perspective of those who lived "normal lives".
Not only was there fear of speaking out loud, but there was another fear. It was the shame attached to it. It was the fear of other people knowing what I lived with. The look in people's eyes, not empathy or understanding but wearing an expression of "That girl will never be right."
That's the hard part, putting who I am out there in the world. Afraid of that expression. But I shall do it regardless. Whoever feels shame for me that is their own.
I'll not sugar coat it one way or the other simply lay it out as it happens. Take a look at the motivators on both sides, Take a look at his actions. Take a look at mine. Decide for yourself. You decide. Is it right? Is it wrong? Is it in between?
I don't know anymore. I just know I had to get out and far far away...
My prayer to God is for the last bit of strength remaining within me to write these next two chapters. A ball of pain, hated and shame. A chunk burning a hole in my soul with him at the center.
It's not all about me. It's not all about him, but all about the dynamics of abuse and how so many slip under the radar. How many children are seen and not heard?
I hope that there will be no more children enduring such things.
In a perfect world....
*****************************
I woke on the floor.
"Get off the floor and quit faking it." I coughed and coughed again and pulled myself upright. Weaving slightly, head still sending off little sparks, the side of my skull thumped louder than any congo drum you've ever heard.
"Get these damn dishes done and then get out of my site. I don't wanna see you. Kapish?" He ordered.
"Yes." I said weaving still.
"Cut the crap! I didn't hit you that hard!" He barked."
"I'm leaving here tonight. I thought. "Just as soon as they fall asleep i'm out the door." I went through the dishes as best as I could still wobbling a bit. Thanking my stars that I had a counter to lean on or I surely would have fallen. Peering around the kitchen to see if I missed anything, I tuned in my ears and could hear their TV playing in their room.
"Ok." I thought."I'll wait for their TV to turn off then I can go."
Downstairs I crept feeling sore. I moved as silently as possible. My sisters flip flops beside the bed, my jacket hanging on the knob with my forgotten busfare inside the pocket, I waited.
But, with thumping head and drooping eyes I quickly succumbed to rest.
***
The iron clamp upon my upper arm squeezing until there was no flesh left to flatten, hauled me out of my bed and out the door rug burn on my hip and thigh. "What!!?? What the hell us going on!!?? Let go if me. LET ME GO!!!!"
Dropped on the linoleum staring at my mother's feet, I looked up and in her hands were two plastic containers. She rubbed her fingers on them.
She said, 'They're greasy. You can't put them in the cupboard like that. Now look your going to have to wash them all. What the hell is wrong with you?" He pulled all the dishes out of the cupboards and dumped them in the sink.
I'm trembling again. Shaking with rage fury, anger, frustration and the pure need for revenge boiled inside of me. My control almost extinct.
"No." I said.
"What did you say to your mother?
" No." I repeated.
"You get your ass over here and start washing little girl or I'm gonna give you more of what I gave you last week so get moving!" He roared.
I just stood there and stared at him. As if it had a mind if it's own, my voice box started bellowing, I'm hollering at the top of my lungs.
"I said NO!!!!!!" He came toward me like a bull.
I picked up a plate and hucked it at him frisbee style. It gave him a whiff of a haircut along his sideburns. Fury added to the speed of the plate zipping by his head. I spun on my heel and ran for the bathroom. Locking the door I opened the laundry shute and launched myself down the tube! In the quick second it took for me to sail down that tube. I knew he'd be waiting there on the bottom. He knew what I was doing.
Landing on the laundry I saw his feet. With a precision kick he knocked the wind of me. A football kick to the solar plexus.
The world t
Shrunk around me once again....
*****************************
With shaking fingers I pull my hands away from the keyboard. Knowing it's time to end this particular chapter to move on to the next.
Escape comes with a price....
Take that which shakes and bleeds
Clean the wounds no other sees
Grip the pain with constancy
Exsanguination family
Slip the noose the path I see
My sanity comes back with ease.
Tangled beast soon to bleed
With only husks left with need.
Take his rage that rips the hole
Flail my bones in dust they roll
Falling feet, face takes the toll
Forever more in hell your soul.
***Lea Tonin***
*****************************
I must now write the hardest words I've ever written. A confession of what was as best as I remember it.
All of what I did, all of what he did and what had to be done for freedom.
I've dreaded writing this. Dreaded writing about this battle between him and myself afraid to give it more life that it deserves.
All I can do is lay it out before you, the perspective of those who lived "normal lives".
Not only was there fear of speaking out loud, but there was another fear. It was the shame attached to it. It was the fear of other people knowing what I lived with. The look in people's eyes, not empathy or understanding but wearing an expression of "That girl will never be right."
That's the hard part, putting who I am out there in the world. Afraid of that expression. But I shall do it regardless. Whoever feels shame for me that is their own.
I'll not sugar coat it one way or the other simply lay it out as it happens. Take a look at the motivators on both sides, Take a look at his actions. Take a look at mine. Decide for yourself. You decide. Is it right? Is it wrong? Is it in between?
I don't know anymore. I just know I had to get out and far far away...
My prayer to God is for the last bit of strength remaining within me to write these next two chapters. A ball of pain, hated and shame. A chunk burning a hole in my soul with him at the center.
It's not all about me. It's not all about him, but all about the dynamics of abuse and how so many slip under the radar. How many children are seen and not heard?
I hope that there will be no more children enduring such things.
In a perfect world....
*****************************
I woke on the floor.
"Get off the floor and quit faking it." I coughed and coughed again and pulled myself upright. Weaving slightly, head still sending off little sparks, the side of my skull thumped louder than any congo drum you've ever heard.
"Get these damn dishes done and then get out of my site. I don't wanna see you. Kapish?" He ordered.
"Yes." I said weaving still.
"Cut the crap! I didn't hit you that hard!" He barked."
"I'm leaving here tonight. I thought. "Just as soon as they fall asleep i'm out the door." I went through the dishes as best as I could still wobbling a bit. Thanking my stars that I had a counter to lean on or I surely would have fallen. Peering around the kitchen to see if I missed anything, I tuned in my ears and could hear their TV playing in their room.
"Ok." I thought."I'll wait for their TV to turn off then I can go."
Downstairs I crept feeling sore. I moved as silently as possible. My sisters flip flops beside the bed, my jacket hanging on the knob with my forgotten busfare inside the pocket, I waited.
But, with thumping head and drooping eyes I quickly succumbed to rest.
***
The iron clamp upon my upper arm squeezing until there was no flesh left to flatten, hauled me out of my bed and out the door rug burn on my hip and thigh. "What!!?? What the hell us going on!!?? Let go if me. LET ME GO!!!!"
Dropped on the linoleum staring at my mother's feet, I looked up and in her hands were two plastic containers. She rubbed her fingers on them.
She said, 'They're greasy. You can't put them in the cupboard like that. Now look your going to have to wash them all. What the hell is wrong with you?" He pulled all the dishes out of the cupboards and dumped them in the sink.
I'm trembling again. Shaking with rage fury, anger, frustration and the pure need for revenge boiled inside of me. My control almost extinct.
"No." I said.
"What did you say to your mother?
" No." I repeated.
"You get your ass over here and start washing little girl or I'm gonna give you more of what I gave you last week so get moving!" He roared.
I just stood there and stared at him. As if it had a mind if it's own, my voice box started bellowing, I'm hollering at the top of my lungs.
"I said NO!!!!!!" He came toward me like a bull.
I picked up a plate and hucked it at him frisbee style. It gave him a whiff of a haircut along his sideburns. Fury added to the speed of the plate zipping by his head. I spun on my heel and ran for the bathroom. Locking the door I opened the laundry shute and launched myself down the tube! In the quick second it took for me to sail down that tube. I knew he'd be waiting there on the bottom. He knew what I was doing.
Landing on the laundry I saw his feet. With a precision kick he knocked the wind of me. A football kick to the solar plexus.
The world t
Shrunk around me once again....
*****************************
With shaking fingers I pull my hands away from the keyboard. Knowing it's time to end this particular chapter to move on to the next.
Escape comes with a price....
This chapter is part of an auto bio called ghost. It can be found in my portfolio. Feel free to read if you wish this one caution. Some chapters are hard to digest reader discretion is advised.
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