The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 13 "No Country for Old Soldiers"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
12 total reviews
Comment from Sally Law
Superb and set in actual history. How refreshing and well written this is. A sweet love scene and the suspense kept me enthralled.
{A few small improvements for your consideration.}
-Something of (a) baroness.
-Like (a) man should.
Sending you my best today as always and six stars for this superb write.
Sally xo
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2020
  |
Superb and set in actual history. How refreshing and well written this is. A sweet love scene and the suspense kept me enthralled.
{A few small improvements for your consideration.}
-Something of (a) baroness.
-Like (a) man should.
Sending you my best today as always and six stars for this superb write.
Sally xo
Comment Written 13-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 17-Sep-2020
-
Thanks again, Sally.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Yep, this motley bunch sure runs into a heap of trouble out there in the middle of nowhere - but then, that's what makes a story, right? *smile*
Poor Horace. Hope things go all right with him and these fellows. They don't seem to be the kind I'd want to spend a lot of time with.
Notes:
1.) But when it came to Horace, he was (elusive) on where he came from.
2.) Jake pulled his hat and let the (locks) of his hair fall then took
3.) I was ready (to) set my son inside to his own bed when laughter
4.) "Yes, your baronies."
--> was this misspelling intentional?
5.) "Would there be a man named, Horace here, if you don't mind me asking?"
--> no comma after 'named'
6.) Black Hills on my own, not without you (fellers)."
7.) "The men laughed to see Horace in a union jacket.
--> no quote mark to open
8.) "So that's how you got away with it,)." (s)omeone said,
9.) I almost forgot to breath(e), as I kept my shotgun from view.
10.) "Horace stood on the porch. You have to trust me. Like I aim to trust you."
--> move quote mark to dialogue opening
11.) "I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside." Get on your horse, Horace. We need to get and make camp between here and the Dakotas."
--> no quote mark in the middle
12.) We didn't come her(e) to torch your place." One of his
I'm glad you are continuing this story. I'm enjoying!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
  |
Stan,
Yep, this motley bunch sure runs into a heap of trouble out there in the middle of nowhere - but then, that's what makes a story, right? *smile*
Poor Horace. Hope things go all right with him and these fellows. They don't seem to be the kind I'd want to spend a lot of time with.
Notes:
1.) But when it came to Horace, he was (elusive) on where he came from.
2.) Jake pulled his hat and let the (locks) of his hair fall then took
3.) I was ready (to) set my son inside to his own bed when laughter
4.) "Yes, your baronies."
--> was this misspelling intentional?
5.) "Would there be a man named, Horace here, if you don't mind me asking?"
--> no comma after 'named'
6.) Black Hills on my own, not without you (fellers)."
7.) "The men laughed to see Horace in a union jacket.
--> no quote mark to open
8.) "So that's how you got away with it,)." (s)omeone said,
9.) I almost forgot to breath(e), as I kept my shotgun from view.
10.) "Horace stood on the porch. You have to trust me. Like I aim to trust you."
--> move quote mark to dialogue opening
11.) "I'm feeling all warm and fuzzy inside." Get on your horse, Horace. We need to get and make camp between here and the Dakotas."
--> no quote mark in the middle
12.) We didn't come her(e) to torch your place." One of his
I'm glad you are continuing this story. I'm enjoying!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 09-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
-
I'm making those fixes from the notes. Thanks!
Comment from Mastery
I am really enjoying this story, Stan. Your writing keeps it very interesting with each chapter.
The entire chapter is sprinkled with good images like this: "The man with a rust-colored beard inserted himself, as his horse reared up."
Suggestions, if you don't mind: Change the opening paragraph a bit to "hook" the readers. Try: "The fields and forts between us made us feel insulated from the war between the states."
(Build the rest of that paragraph around that opener.)
Also in that paragraph change this: "It was the deep end of summer. Our corn shined like gold and stretched as far as the eye could see." to this:
"It was late summer and our cornfields shined like gold under the blazing sun, for as far as the eye could see."
Also: Change this sentence slightly: "When I found out she couldn't read, I taught her how to read during the late nights under an oil lamp with my Bible." Change to: "When I discovered she couldn't read, I taught her how, during many late nights under an oil lamp with my Bible."
Good job, Stan. :) Bob
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
|
I am really enjoying this story, Stan. Your writing keeps it very interesting with each chapter.
The entire chapter is sprinkled with good images like this: "The man with a rust-colored beard inserted himself, as his horse reared up."
Suggestions, if you don't mind: Change the opening paragraph a bit to "hook" the readers. Try: "The fields and forts between us made us feel insulated from the war between the states."
(Build the rest of that paragraph around that opener.)
Also in that paragraph change this: "It was the deep end of summer. Our corn shined like gold and stretched as far as the eye could see." to this:
"It was late summer and our cornfields shined like gold under the blazing sun, for as far as the eye could see."
Also: Change this sentence slightly: "When I found out she couldn't read, I taught her how to read during the late nights under an oil lamp with my Bible." Change to: "When I discovered she couldn't read, I taught her how, during many late nights under an oil lamp with my Bible."
Good job, Stan. :) Bob
Comment Written 09-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
-
Will do, Bob. Thanks. You give me insight to changes others wouldn't. Stan
Comment from CrystieCookie999
This chapter has some intriguing developments, such as Jane dancing with a man since the death of her husband, and the arrival of men who seem to be after a mysterious map. A couple of little fixes:
let the lochs of his hair fall
change lochs to locks
I almost forgot to breath,
change breath to breathe
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
|
This chapter has some intriguing developments, such as Jane dancing with a man since the death of her husband, and the arrival of men who seem to be after a mysterious map. A couple of little fixes:
let the lochs of his hair fall
change lochs to locks
I almost forgot to breath,
change breath to breathe
Comment Written 09-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
Thanks again, Crystie. I'm working on those fixes.
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hello Stan.
You have the gift of being able to take complicated plot and circumstances and weave them into an understandable narrative that doesn't confuse your reader. That is a skill many writers don't have.
This chapter shows that through the actions and the dialogue. You also have the ability to incorporate supporting facts such as Custer and the gold in the Dakotas that have an indirect bearing on the story.
Well done and well written.
Robert
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
|
Hello Stan.
You have the gift of being able to take complicated plot and circumstances and weave them into an understandable narrative that doesn't confuse your reader. That is a skill many writers don't have.
This chapter shows that through the actions and the dialogue. You also have the ability to incorporate supporting facts such as Custer and the gold in the Dakotas that have an indirect bearing on the story.
Well done and well written.
Robert
Comment Written 08-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 09-Sep-2020
-
Thanks again, Robert. Appreciate your voice in the wilderness.
-
Hey Stan.
That's a wonderful thing for you to say. I am honored by the comment. I try always to say what I think-feel-believe just like it says on my profile page. That's not popular with everyone here.
Thank you again.
Robert
Comment from royowen
A marvellous episode my friend, plenty in this to keep me awake, the tension was very well written into this episode, so now we know where Jake was rescued and joined to the ranch and our narrator, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : The (lochs...a Lake) of his hair. Locks? 2: not without you feller(')s 3 .We didn't come her(e
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
|
A marvellous episode my friend, plenty in this to keep me awake, the tension was very well written into this episode, so now we know where Jake was rescued and joined to the ranch and our narrator, well done, blessings, Roy
Typo : The (lochs...a Lake) of his hair. Locks? 2: not without you feller(')s 3 .We didn't come her(e
Comment Written 07-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
-
Thanks, Roy. I appreciate how you have an eye for detail and a heart for other writers. Blessings between the bookends!
-
My pleasure dear bro
Comment from Alaskastory
"No Country for Old Soldiers" is a perfect title for this chapter. I thought dialog between Jane and Jake was well done and gave insight to each on their growing relationship. I enjoyed their clever wording. The struggle between soldiers in the fading war was well displayed too. This was an enjoyable read.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
|
"No Country for Old Soldiers" is a perfect title for this chapter. I thought dialog between Jane and Jake was well done and gave insight to each on their growing relationship. I enjoyed their clever wording. The struggle between soldiers in the fading war was well displayed too. This was an enjoyable read.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
-
So appreciate that you are one of a few I still know from way back when on fanstory. Time flies by when you write!
Comment from Mistydawn
What a great chapter start to finish. It's well-written, very interesting. Your settings at the beginning of the chapter are so vivid I could picture the cornfields in my mind, feel the cool breeze, her contentment. Your dialogue lets us feel the bond, connection the two have. Your ending is very suspenseful, had me on the edge of my seat. I do hope the visitors get needed provisions and move on.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
|
What a great chapter start to finish. It's well-written, very interesting. Your settings at the beginning of the chapter are so vivid I could picture the cornfields in my mind, feel the cool breeze, her contentment. Your dialogue lets us feel the bond, connection the two have. Your ending is very suspenseful, had me on the edge of my seat. I do hope the visitors get needed provisions and move on.
Comment Written 07-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
-
Thanks again, Misty. Keep writing!
Comment from Ben Colder
A lot went into this. Gold- Black Hills- Sioux bad faces- all in terrain I read into this. Red Cloud- Oglala Sioux- 1861-1866. I can see this unfolding into a great story. So far - so good.
Excellent writing.
Thanks for sharing. Strong wording- good descriptive tale- telling. Secret admirer.
Blessings Bro.
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
|
A lot went into this. Gold- Black Hills- Sioux bad faces- all in terrain I read into this. Red Cloud- Oglala Sioux- 1861-1866. I can see this unfolding into a great story. So far - so good.
Excellent writing.
Thanks for sharing. Strong wording- good descriptive tale- telling. Secret admirer.
Blessings Bro.
Comment Written 06-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
-
Thanks again, Ben. Ephesians 3:20
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a most gripping writing from beginning to end. Your imagination is deep and rich and you have a way with words. Great story!
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
|
This is a most gripping writing from beginning to end. Your imagination is deep and rich and you have a way with words. Great story!
Comment Written 06-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 07-Sep-2020
-
Thanks, Rebecca. I need to get back to your installments too.