Within the Bone
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "A Kindness"A tale of love, magic, and revenge.
4 total reviews
Comment from Aiona
I very much enjoyed reading this chapter. It read quickly, except for a few parts, where the verbiage confused me a little.
Here's one example:
1. "She was a fine huntress, but one didn't bring down such beasts without spears and a group of many."
Many what? Many spears? Oh! Many people!
I was able to figure it out from context, but it slowed my reading down quite a bit, and took me out of the story for while.
2. "...but there was only the feeling of its gaze, piercing and probably hungry. She wanted to sigh. It had already cost her the buck she'd been trailing for miles..."
I'm not sure how the feeling of its gaze can cost her the buck.
Certainly the buck's constant attention towards her is costing her the buck. But her feelings about the gaze... shouldn't affect her ability to track the buck. Or was her sigh costing her the buck? That doesn't sound right either.
I REALLY liked the following phrases:
1. "She wasn't tall among her people, but her curves were lean and athletic from the development of muscle rather than cultivation of a marriageable self, no benefit from her father's wealth in sight."
I really liked this phrase as it's very descriptive not only of Mara's physical attributes, but also her character as well:
2. "She had twenty years of life under her belt and at least thirteen of those included combat training." I like that this sentence makes your reader do a little bit of quick math, if he or she wants to know how old Mara was when she started combat training. It assumes that you know your reader is intelligent. And that makes us feel warm and fuzzy.
3. "Sometimes I parry with my face," the huntress said lightly, ...
Funny! Keep this!
Other things:
I didn't count it, but you use the words "bruising" and "bruises" a lot in this piece. I know Mara has an injury to her face, but. . . you may want to vary your description of her wound. Replace "bruising" with "injury" or "purple areas" or "swollen now-purple soon-to-be-bluish-black cheek" or simply "face."
Or here:
"There was no reason to deny it, given the obvious bruising to her face. Mara knew she had a spectacular black eye to complement where skin had split on the bridge of her nose and her lip."
You could totally take out the "bruising" phrase, and it still reads well. In fact, I think it reads better.
Example:
"There was no reason to deny it. Mara knew she had a spectacular black eye to complement where skin had split on the bridge of her nose and her lip."
Nicely written overall!
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2020
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I very much enjoyed reading this chapter. It read quickly, except for a few parts, where the verbiage confused me a little.
Here's one example:
1. "She was a fine huntress, but one didn't bring down such beasts without spears and a group of many."
Many what? Many spears? Oh! Many people!
I was able to figure it out from context, but it slowed my reading down quite a bit, and took me out of the story for while.
2. "...but there was only the feeling of its gaze, piercing and probably hungry. She wanted to sigh. It had already cost her the buck she'd been trailing for miles..."
I'm not sure how the feeling of its gaze can cost her the buck.
Certainly the buck's constant attention towards her is costing her the buck. But her feelings about the gaze... shouldn't affect her ability to track the buck. Or was her sigh costing her the buck? That doesn't sound right either.
I REALLY liked the following phrases:
1. "She wasn't tall among her people, but her curves were lean and athletic from the development of muscle rather than cultivation of a marriageable self, no benefit from her father's wealth in sight."
I really liked this phrase as it's very descriptive not only of Mara's physical attributes, but also her character as well:
2. "She had twenty years of life under her belt and at least thirteen of those included combat training." I like that this sentence makes your reader do a little bit of quick math, if he or she wants to know how old Mara was when she started combat training. It assumes that you know your reader is intelligent. And that makes us feel warm and fuzzy.
3. "Sometimes I parry with my face," the huntress said lightly, ...
Funny! Keep this!
Other things:
I didn't count it, but you use the words "bruising" and "bruises" a lot in this piece. I know Mara has an injury to her face, but. . . you may want to vary your description of her wound. Replace "bruising" with "injury" or "purple areas" or "swollen now-purple soon-to-be-bluish-black cheek" or simply "face."
Or here:
"There was no reason to deny it, given the obvious bruising to her face. Mara knew she had a spectacular black eye to complement where skin had split on the bridge of her nose and her lip."
You could totally take out the "bruising" phrase, and it still reads well. In fact, I think it reads better.
Example:
"There was no reason to deny it. Mara knew she had a spectacular black eye to complement where skin had split on the bridge of her nose and her lip."
Nicely written overall!
Comment Written 27-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing. I?ll definitely go back through and fix what you saw. I have a list of things. I really appreciate your time and attention.
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This introductory chapter speaks a lot about the psychological aspect in Mara in right narrative taletelling, progressive plot development, fostered by realistic dialogues with an end in curious ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR ... 6 Star ******)
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2020
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This introductory chapter speaks a lot about the psychological aspect in Mara in right narrative taletelling, progressive plot development, fostered by realistic dialogues with an end in curious ending; well said, well done; thanks for sharing this. ALCREATOR ... 6 Star ******)
Comment Written 26-Dec-2020
reply by the author on 27-Dec-2020
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Thank you very much for reading and reviewing! I really appreciate it.
Comment from Ben B.
This is an interesting first meeting between the two women. I'm guessing Allotar has some trust issues going on. I've also noticed that one accused the other of using magic but none were used. So I'm guessing this is a low level fantasy where magic is minimal to none.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2020
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This is an interesting first meeting between the two women. I'm guessing Allotar has some trust issues going on. I've also noticed that one accused the other of using magic but none were used. So I'm guessing this is a low level fantasy where magic is minimal to none.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2020
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Thank you very much for reviewing! I really appreciate it.
Comment from AJ McCall
Wow. I love the interaction between the women. I must say every one of your characters has this mysteriousness about them. Mara has some sort of bad omen about her, Aallotar is a healer but is stangely kinder than expected, and the best... This chapter's amazing. Still taking notes. Can't wait for chapter 3!
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Wow. I love the interaction between the women. I must say every one of your characters has this mysteriousness about them. Mara has some sort of bad omen about her, Aallotar is a healer but is stangely kinder than expected, and the best... This chapter's amazing. Still taking notes. Can't wait for chapter 3!
Comment Written 07-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 07-Aug-2020
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Thanks for reviewing! I enjoy having characters with a lot going on. I'm looking forward to Mara's and Aallotar's coming out.
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You're welcome!
