The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 11 "The Gift of Life"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
14 total reviews
Comment from Sally Law
Fantastic chapter, dear Forest. I loved this. So rich with character, settings, and history. A six for your efforts. Sending you my best today as always,
Sal xo
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
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Fantastic chapter, dear Forest. I loved this. So rich with character, settings, and history. A six for your efforts. Sending you my best today as always,
Sal xo
Comment Written 09-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2020
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Thanks again, for this affirmation, Sally.
Comment from Alaskastory
"The Gift of Life" is a well done chapter, full of excitement and a very mysterious ending. The new woman and Jake admitting his feelings surprised me. I look forward to the next chapter.
typos: (")It's what you're going to do with it, Miss Taylor. If we don't make it(,)(-)you take your life.........
?? "...Reeds parted." - I miss what that means.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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"The Gift of Life" is a well done chapter, full of excitement and a very mysterious ending. The new woman and Jake admitting his feelings surprised me. I look forward to the next chapter.
typos: (")It's what you're going to do with it, Miss Taylor. If we don't make it(,)(-)you take your life.........
?? "...Reeds parted." - I miss what that means.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Thanks so much. I know my self-editing powers are not sharp enough. I just love creating those outdoor settings and going back in time, where you couldn't afford to put your faith and true grit on the shelf. Blessings....
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. Before I forget, it is not a good idea to have a intro at the top that is not complete, as in "......her child an inheritance when....." You need to cut it back that way at least it will be a complete sentence.
Now to the chapter: Excellent imagery throughout, Stan: Like: "We gathered around the fire, as it it's tongue lashed the sky and sparks flew like fireflies. I rested my head on my saddle and looked up into the stars, a billion or so like silver trinkets...."
Also: "It was then in the glimmer of the fire light, he lifted his hat, and I saw the soul of his eyes. "I know, I ruined your life."
Suggestions: Fix this: "The one with a band of feathers rode up with his staff held high in peace. Young braves flanked him." (Since it is so early in the chapter, I would suggest you say:
"The Indian with a band of feathers rode . . . etc..etc.." instead of "the one"
Also change this: "fingered their rifles at a safe distance." Instead say: "cocked or held their rifles at a safe distance." (fingered?)
Good writing overall, my friend. : ) Bob
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Hi Stan. Before I forget, it is not a good idea to have a intro at the top that is not complete, as in "......her child an inheritance when....." You need to cut it back that way at least it will be a complete sentence.
Now to the chapter: Excellent imagery throughout, Stan: Like: "We gathered around the fire, as it it's tongue lashed the sky and sparks flew like fireflies. I rested my head on my saddle and looked up into the stars, a billion or so like silver trinkets...."
Also: "It was then in the glimmer of the fire light, he lifted his hat, and I saw the soul of his eyes. "I know, I ruined your life."
Suggestions: Fix this: "The one with a band of feathers rode up with his staff held high in peace. Young braves flanked him." (Since it is so early in the chapter, I would suggest you say:
"The Indian with a band of feathers rode . . . etc..etc.." instead of "the one"
Also change this: "fingered their rifles at a safe distance." Instead say: "cocked or held their rifles at a safe distance." (fingered?)
Good writing overall, my friend. : ) Bob
Comment Written 06-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Thanks so much , Bob. I know my self-editing powers need some fine tuning. Thanks for looking at the content. I often judge yours and others on content, character, dialogue, etc... because I don't feel confident enough to comment on grammar, etc... Blessings ahead! Hope you are staying safe and healthy. I think I need some jelly fish oil for my brain.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Fantastic chapter, of the meeting of the minds, so to speak. I loved this sentence: The pair came toward us high in the saddle with all their hair and pride in the right place. Little things to fix:
knifes edge
you want: knife's edge
It's what you're going to do with it, Miss Taylor.
Just add quotation marks in front of the first word It's
If we don't make it-you take your life.
I think just use a comma after make it instead of a hyphen or dash.
Things be better in heaven then what they will make you live through.
change then to than
children who looked baked as cinnamon in the sun
lovely simile, but I think I think I would add the word 'as' in front of baked, also, so "children who looked as baked as cinnamon in the sun"
or else:
"children who looked like baked cinnamon in the sun"
illusive
elusive
The winds lifted, as if they too sighed.
I would use two commas to set off the word 'too' so:
The winds lifted, as if they, too, sighed. Can't remember the rule, but that looks right.
"Don't get too stiff in collar, we might have to pry you off that saddle."
Something about this sounds awkward to me. It must be an idiom. Could it have been: stiff in your collar
Also, I would use a semi-colon after the word collar since you have two independent sentences which are sort of related.
We found a nice soft piece
I would put a comma after nice
We gathered around the fire, as it it's tongue lashed the sky and sparks flew like fireflies.
change: as it it's to just: as if its
(no apostrophe for possessive its)
"I...I thought about you Jane
Add a comma after you
And my goodness, a new character of a blonde girl coming into camp and escaping kidnappers. Sounds like the next chapter will be interesting.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Fantastic chapter, of the meeting of the minds, so to speak. I loved this sentence: The pair came toward us high in the saddle with all their hair and pride in the right place. Little things to fix:
knifes edge
you want: knife's edge
It's what you're going to do with it, Miss Taylor.
Just add quotation marks in front of the first word It's
If we don't make it-you take your life.
I think just use a comma after make it instead of a hyphen or dash.
Things be better in heaven then what they will make you live through.
change then to than
children who looked baked as cinnamon in the sun
lovely simile, but I think I think I would add the word 'as' in front of baked, also, so "children who looked as baked as cinnamon in the sun"
or else:
"children who looked like baked cinnamon in the sun"
illusive
elusive
The winds lifted, as if they too sighed.
I would use two commas to set off the word 'too' so:
The winds lifted, as if they, too, sighed. Can't remember the rule, but that looks right.
"Don't get too stiff in collar, we might have to pry you off that saddle."
Something about this sounds awkward to me. It must be an idiom. Could it have been: stiff in your collar
Also, I would use a semi-colon after the word collar since you have two independent sentences which are sort of related.
We found a nice soft piece
I would put a comma after nice
We gathered around the fire, as it it's tongue lashed the sky and sparks flew like fireflies.
change: as it it's to just: as if its
(no apostrophe for possessive its)
"I...I thought about you Jane
Add a comma after you
And my goodness, a new character of a blonde girl coming into camp and escaping kidnappers. Sounds like the next chapter will be interesting.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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So sorry no to reply sooner. But thanks again for forgiving my poor self-editing powers. As always, I welcome editing help and never mind it, but use it. I'm way behind fixing old installments but will use the message sent with this to go through it. Blessings around the bookends!
Comment from royowen
How sad, a young white girl that had been held captive With a dead baby. Things worked out between the meeting of the feathered guy, and the donning of buffalo hide and the eating of part heart. A great yarn dear friend, blessings, Roy
Typo Don't get too stiff in
(The) collar...2 : As (it) its tongue, if? 3 : Do (you) remember...
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2020
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How sad, a young white girl that had been held captive With a dead baby. Things worked out between the meeting of the feathered guy, and the donning of buffalo hide and the eating of part heart. A great yarn dear friend, blessings, Roy
Typo Don't get too stiff in
(The) collar...2 : As (it) its tongue, if? 3 : Do (you) remember...
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 27-Aug-2020
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Thanks, my friend. Sorry to be late in my response. I was trying save my fixes first. Blessings.
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Well done
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
I believe that this would have probably been the fate of Miss Taylor if things went wrong at the meeting. She would have been their slave and used how they saw fit to. The poor lass with the baby. Who knows how long that she has been a prisoner and the horror she has experienced. I'm enjoying reading this engaging and well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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I believe that this would have probably been the fate of Miss Taylor if things went wrong at the meeting. She would have been their slave and used how they saw fit to. The poor lass with the baby. Who knows how long that she has been a prisoner and the horror she has experienced. I'm enjoying reading this engaging and well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Thanks so much, Jeff. Thanks for patiently following this, as I still haven't given up on my Hosea book chuck full of biblical themes too!
Comment from Mistydawn
I'm so glad a little quick thinking saved them. The way the last chapter ended I thought it might be the end for all of them. It's so sad what happened to the girl. Hopefully, Jane will help her like she has the other.
I love these descriptive phrases. Baked as cinnamon in the sun and tongue-lashed the sky and sparks flew like fireflies. They paint a vivid picture in the reader's mind.
Your last sentence sunrise couldn't come soon enough is a nice hook. You don't leave in the middle of the action but you give the reader a feeling that something could happen at any given moment. Making the reader want to come back, see if it did. Great job.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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I'm so glad a little quick thinking saved them. The way the last chapter ended I thought it might be the end for all of them. It's so sad what happened to the girl. Hopefully, Jane will help her like she has the other.
I love these descriptive phrases. Baked as cinnamon in the sun and tongue-lashed the sky and sparks flew like fireflies. They paint a vivid picture in the reader's mind.
Your last sentence sunrise couldn't come soon enough is a nice hook. You don't leave in the middle of the action but you give the reader a feeling that something could happen at any given moment. Making the reader want to come back, see if it did. Great job.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Thanks so much, Misty! I so appreciate you pulling out phrases and sentences that work. I need to do more about that when I see something that stands out. Blessings...
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Another highly intriguing chapter about this poor little widow woman - who may be stronger than many men we know. *smile* I like that.
Still a bunch of notes for you -- here we go:
1.) I blinked it away to stay focused, as if on (a) knifes edge.
2.) (")It's what you're going to do with it, Miss Taylor.
3.) Things be better in heaven (than) what they will make you live through.
--> even if you are trying to go for colloquial, folks will think you are misspelling this
4.) He cut a piece with his knife and offered it to Jake.
--> I'm gonna bring this up to reconsider. I wonder if the Indian would really cut it - or if he'd just take a bite and expect the white man to do the same
5.) A couple of the horses had their Indian sleighs to carry all the buffalo meat.
--> A couple of the horses pulled travois to carry the buffalo meat.
6.) a trait that seemed (elusive) for the men.
7.) The spirit of the wind was here again to remind me, of our delicate balance between life
--> no comma
8.) "I told them the (b)uffalo was shot as a gift, and we meant no ill will."
9.) We found a nice soft piece of ground from where we tethered our horses to the scrub trees.
--> delete 'from'
10.) It was there we set out to have a feast fit for (a) banquet
--> It was there we set out a banquet-like feast.
11.) We trusted the Indians in the light of day( b)ut when cloaked in darkness we wouldn't trust the slightest sound(,) from a wayward (gust of) wind to the snap of a twig.
12.) We gathered around the fire, as it (its) tongue lashed the sky
--> and then delete the first 'it'
13.) If we could pretend, I was never mad at you before you left
--> no comma
14.) sunrise couldn't come soon enough.
--> oooohh -- as a woman, I don't think I'd be too excited to face that moment. Uh uh.
I'm still enjoying this story. Thanks so much!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Stan,
Another highly intriguing chapter about this poor little widow woman - who may be stronger than many men we know. *smile* I like that.
Still a bunch of notes for you -- here we go:
1.) I blinked it away to stay focused, as if on (a) knifes edge.
2.) (")It's what you're going to do with it, Miss Taylor.
3.) Things be better in heaven (than) what they will make you live through.
--> even if you are trying to go for colloquial, folks will think you are misspelling this
4.) He cut a piece with his knife and offered it to Jake.
--> I'm gonna bring this up to reconsider. I wonder if the Indian would really cut it - or if he'd just take a bite and expect the white man to do the same
5.) A couple of the horses had their Indian sleighs to carry all the buffalo meat.
--> A couple of the horses pulled travois to carry the buffalo meat.
6.) a trait that seemed (elusive) for the men.
7.) The spirit of the wind was here again to remind me, of our delicate balance between life
--> no comma
8.) "I told them the (b)uffalo was shot as a gift, and we meant no ill will."
9.) We found a nice soft piece of ground from where we tethered our horses to the scrub trees.
--> delete 'from'
10.) It was there we set out to have a feast fit for (a) banquet
--> It was there we set out a banquet-like feast.
11.) We trusted the Indians in the light of day( b)ut when cloaked in darkness we wouldn't trust the slightest sound(,) from a wayward (gust of) wind to the snap of a twig.
12.) We gathered around the fire, as it (its) tongue lashed the sky
--> and then delete the first 'it'
13.) If we could pretend, I was never mad at you before you left
--> no comma
14.) sunrise couldn't come soon enough.
--> oooohh -- as a woman, I don't think I'd be too excited to face that moment. Uh uh.
I'm still enjoying this story. Thanks so much!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
Comment from BethShelby
This is a very interesting chapter. I'm glad there was an understanding among the Indians and the hunting party and no one was hurt. It sounds as though Jane may be getting through to Jake. It is sad about the kidnapped girl and the dead baby but at least she is with someone who can help.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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This is a very interesting chapter. I'm glad there was an understanding among the Indians and the hunting party and no one was hurt. It sounds as though Jane may be getting through to Jake. It is sad about the kidnapped girl and the dead baby but at least she is with someone who can help.
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Thanks again, Beth. I so appreciate your friendship and honest appraisals.
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
Oh, my. What a riveting story. I can hardly wait for the next posting.
It's what you're going to do with it, Miss Taylor. If we don't make it-you take your life. Things be better in heaven then (than) what they will make you live through. I got my ole Henry to keep me company."
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Oh, my. What a riveting story. I can hardly wait for the next posting.
It's what you're going to do with it, Miss Taylor. If we don't make it-you take your life. Things be better in heaven then (than) what they will make you live through. I got my ole Henry to keep me company."
Comment Written 05-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2020
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Thanks so much, Rebecca. I like how you seem so comfortable in your western writing. I have more time to write and review. I have some catching up to do. Thanks for the encouraging review!
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You're quite welcome.