Burner Downer
a sonnet12 total reviews
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
A fine sonnet Bill. You have two lines with feminine endings that should have 11 syllable lines as follows:
"That (beats) the prior plan of (fixing) patches,"
"it may require (some) gasoline and matches,"
The only problem is that the contest will not allow feminine endings so I would suggest you change these two lines completely.
I enjoyed the sentiments here.
Love Dolly x
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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A fine sonnet Bill. You have two lines with feminine endings that should have 11 syllable lines as follows:
"That (beats) the prior plan of (fixing) patches,"
"it may require (some) gasoline and matches,"
The only problem is that the contest will not allow feminine endings so I would suggest you change these two lines completely.
I enjoyed the sentiments here.
Love Dolly x
Comment Written 22-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Dolly. I?ve amended this a couple times based on the feminine line, but can?t seem to get it right.
Comment from The Death
I loved the bittersweet tone of this poem. The imagery is quite bleak and also shows how the narrator feels inside the house. It speaks about the dilemma one faces when it comes to letting go of something memorable, but haunting. The mind sometimes want to keep those, and sometimes not. I also liked the subtle touch of dark humor in the opening stanza. Fine use of consistent meter and excellent rhyming.
The only thing which prevented me giving this a six is the choice of punctuation. You've mostly used commas at the end of each line to show continuity of thoughts, but a comma isn't required in all those places--and doesn't seem to be effective in a few.
If your muse permits, feel free to consider below choices:
As I lie on my bed and look outside,
without a wall to opaque-ate my view,(--)
(I'm) glad the roof has gravity defied,
and to the basement I've not fallen through.
No comma required in below lines:
perhaps a lightning strike will scratch this itch,
it may require gasoline and matches,
The concluding couplet is excellent! This should win the prompt. Good luck!
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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I loved the bittersweet tone of this poem. The imagery is quite bleak and also shows how the narrator feels inside the house. It speaks about the dilemma one faces when it comes to letting go of something memorable, but haunting. The mind sometimes want to keep those, and sometimes not. I also liked the subtle touch of dark humor in the opening stanza. Fine use of consistent meter and excellent rhyming.
The only thing which prevented me giving this a six is the choice of punctuation. You've mostly used commas at the end of each line to show continuity of thoughts, but a comma isn't required in all those places--and doesn't seem to be effective in a few.
If your muse permits, feel free to consider below choices:
As I lie on my bed and look outside,
without a wall to opaque-ate my view,(--)
(I'm) glad the roof has gravity defied,
and to the basement I've not fallen through.
No comma required in below lines:
perhaps a lightning strike will scratch this itch,
it may require gasoline and matches,
The concluding couplet is excellent! This should win the prompt. Good luck!
Comment Written 22-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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Thank you for the detailed review and suggestions.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello unknown sonnet writer
I like your sonnet, I know what hit the hay means (go to bed or hit the sack) but what do you mean ((unhit) ) the hay.
Don't hit the hay until I'm get out of my bed?
Gert
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Hello unknown sonnet writer
I like your sonnet, I know what hit the hay means (go to bed or hit the sack) but what do you mean ((unhit) ) the hay.
Don't hit the hay until I'm get out of my bed?
Gert
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Unhit is a fun way of saying get up.
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Thank you for letting me know what the term Unhit is saying get up.
Gert
Comment from lyenochka
I enjoyed the humor of this sonnet and your fun way of changing the colloquialisms such as " I've unhit the hay" and word creations like "opaque-ate my view." Good use of alliteration throughout. Best wishes in the contest!
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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I enjoyed the humor of this sonnet and your fun way of changing the colloquialisms such as " I've unhit the hay" and word creations like "opaque-ate my view." Good use of alliteration throughout. Best wishes in the contest!
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Thank you, lyenochka
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, anonymous,
Beautiful entry for the
Write A Sonnet writing prompt contest. Good Rhyme and meter form. Simple but nice presentation. Interesting topic about the old house.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Hello, anonymous,
Beautiful entry for the
Write A Sonnet writing prompt contest. Good Rhyme and meter form. Simple but nice presentation. Interesting topic about the old house.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Thanks, GBR.
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written sonnet about a home that becomes a disaster when we do not constantly keep our hand on it and fix things as they break the damages are too much and the repairs cannot be repaired anymore.
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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A very well-written sonnet about a home that becomes a disaster when we do not constantly keep our hand on it and fix things as they break the damages are too much and the repairs cannot be repaired anymore.
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 21-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Sandra
Comment from Gloria ....
Excellent sonnet in fine metre and rhyme. Your iambic pentametre is spot on, with just one suggestion because there two lines have feminine endings ie eleven syllables rather than the usual ten.
(for) That will beat the prior plan of patches,
it may require (some) gasoline and matches,
Wishing you great luck in the voting booth, and I hope your house stays up for the win.
Many thanks for sharing today.
Gloria
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2020
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Excellent sonnet in fine metre and rhyme. Your iambic pentametre is spot on, with just one suggestion because there two lines have feminine endings ie eleven syllables rather than the usual ten.
(for) That will beat the prior plan of patches,
it may require (some) gasoline and matches,
Wishing you great luck in the voting booth, and I hope your house stays up for the win.
Many thanks for sharing today.
Gloria
Comment Written 20-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Gloria, for giving this a look. I count ten syllables in both of the lines you indicated.
That-will-beat-the-pri-or-plan-of-patch-es (10)
it-may-re-quire-gas-o-line-and-match-es (10)
Happy day.
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I see I need some more training in feminine endings. I thought it meant the extra syllable instead of the extra syllable becoming necessary because of the word choice. Thank you for trying to help me.
Comment from Bobby Cunningham
This is a very clever and creative poem that we thoroughly enjoyed reading. The picture accompanying this poem is perfect. The poem itself is really very good and rather funny as well. Best of luck in the contest. Have a wonderful night.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2020
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This is a very clever and creative poem that we thoroughly enjoyed reading. The picture accompanying this poem is perfect. The poem itself is really very good and rather funny as well. Best of luck in the contest. Have a wonderful night.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Bobby and Millie
Comment from Beverly A McBride
Yeah, I hear ya. My house is older, and something is always needing to be fixed. I'm afraid they'd be on to me if it caught fire though. Good imagery throughout. I like the sentiment that "I'll be here till I go." Nice hyperbole in the descriptions. Appreciate the humor. Good luck with your Sonnet.
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2020
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Yeah, I hear ya. My house is older, and something is always needing to be fixed. I'm afraid they'd be on to me if it caught fire though. Good imagery throughout. I like the sentiment that "I'll be here till I go." Nice hyperbole in the descriptions. Appreciate the humor. Good luck with your Sonnet.
Comment Written 20-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 20-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Beverly
Comment from Janice Canerdy
The razing of a house seems sad--to someone NOT living in a falling-in house, NOT having to pay for repairs. Your sonnet is very well-written and descriptive. I think you intended a touch of humor.
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2020
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The razing of a house seems sad--to someone NOT living in a falling-in house, NOT having to pay for repairs. Your sonnet is very well-written and descriptive. I think you intended a touch of humor.
Comment Written 19-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 19-Jul-2020
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Thank you, Janice