The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Home on the Range"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
12 total reviews
Comment from Jeffrey L. Michaux
I like this brother. Those are very unfortunate circumstances. She didn't count on being united with him especially under such circumstances. A bullet to the head back then is just about a death sentence. Perhaps with a little time, some of his memory will return. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2020
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I like this brother. Those are very unfortunate circumstances. She didn't count on being united with him especially under such circumstances. A bullet to the head back then is just about a death sentence. Perhaps with a little time, some of his memory will return. Thanks for sharing this well written work. Well done!
Comment Written 13-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Jeff! Appreciate your commitment to the work.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Oh, no! Poor thing. Of course, not every man came back from wars whole, but I wasn't expecting that. Poor thing!
Notes:
1.) "Well now, (hear) me out. I don't know of a hog raisin' book or homesteading book, neither.
2.) But if you stay her(e) awhile
3.) with raising hogs and free-range chicks. I trust you('re) in no hurry to skedaddle?"
4.) "Mr. Healy. Those pigs might think (you're) part of the meal."
5.) As we leaned on the railing, Sky(e) smiled, as if her bad days were gone
6.) "I got close enough to shout. "Town's down yonder, what made you turn our way?"
--> no quote mark at the beg
Nice job - Thanks!
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Stan,
Oh, no! Poor thing. Of course, not every man came back from wars whole, but I wasn't expecting that. Poor thing!
Notes:
1.) "Well now, (hear) me out. I don't know of a hog raisin' book or homesteading book, neither.
2.) But if you stay her(e) awhile
3.) with raising hogs and free-range chicks. I trust you('re) in no hurry to skedaddle?"
4.) "Mr. Healy. Those pigs might think (you're) part of the meal."
5.) As we leaned on the railing, Sky(e) smiled, as if her bad days were gone
6.) "I got close enough to shout. "Town's down yonder, what made you turn our way?"
--> no quote mark at the beg
Nice job - Thanks!
Comment Written 13-Jul-2020
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. This is a well written chapter for sure. Your opening "hook" is just great:
"Mr. Healy, the elixir salesman turned out to be harmless without his snake oil. (Grabs attention)
Wonderful images, like: "He stood on the buckboard with a beard like a briar patch and waved his hat."
Perhaps somethin gwrong wwithn the construction of this paragraph, Stan...or is it me?
"I heaved inside with, but then as I sought for Jake's soul through his eyes, my insides tightened. My enthusiasm dampened by the chasm I saw in his eyes. "Please, Lord don't tell me, he's not all there? Jake, do you know who I am?"
I suggest a redo on this sentence for better grammar: "I looked over at Skye who bounced my son on her knee at the table while feeding him mashed potatoes."
To: I looked over at Skye who bounced my son on her knee, while feeding him mashed potatoes at the table.
I liked the entire piece, my friend. : ) Bob
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2020
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Hi Stan. This is a well written chapter for sure. Your opening "hook" is just great:
"Mr. Healy, the elixir salesman turned out to be harmless without his snake oil. (Grabs attention)
Wonderful images, like: "He stood on the buckboard with a beard like a briar patch and waved his hat."
Perhaps somethin gwrong wwithn the construction of this paragraph, Stan...or is it me?
"I heaved inside with, but then as I sought for Jake's soul through his eyes, my insides tightened. My enthusiasm dampened by the chasm I saw in his eyes. "Please, Lord don't tell me, he's not all there? Jake, do you know who I am?"
I suggest a redo on this sentence for better grammar: "I looked over at Skye who bounced my son on her knee at the table while feeding him mashed potatoes."
To: I looked over at Skye who bounced my son on her knee, while feeding him mashed potatoes at the table.
I liked the entire piece, my friend. : ) Bob
Comment Written 13-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Bob!
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You are very welcome, Stan. Bob
Comment from Alaskastory
"Home on the Range" is well moving. Healy's adventure with pigs was amusing. Her reaction to Jake was done in a very good way.
typo: As we leaned on the railing, Sky(e) smiled.....
typo: (")I got close enough.....
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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"Home on the Range" is well moving. Healy's adventure with pigs was amusing. Her reaction to Jake was done in a very good way.
typo: As we leaned on the railing, Sky(e) smiled.....
typo: (")I got close enough.....
Comment Written 12-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Thanks Marie. I will read your installment I just saw.
Comment from royowen
You might have to explain who Jake McCord is dear friend, I must have missed something in your fine series of episodes in your story. Obviously there is a distinct connection, and he's been away battling with some war. I can't but apologise, for my lack of memory, well done, you're a great story, and you take on the opposite gender as storyteller, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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You might have to explain who Jake McCord is dear friend, I must have missed something in your fine series of episodes in your story. Obviously there is a distinct connection, and he's been away battling with some war. I can't but apologise, for my lack of memory, well done, you're a great story, and you take on the opposite gender as storyteller, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 12-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Jake made advances on Jane not long after she was a widow. Her rejection drove him to join the war with sort of a death wish. She now fears he's not all there and would like a second chance with him. Thanks for all your encouragement.
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I'm sure you won't disappoint, you are an optimist by God's grace.
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well done
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Amen.
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Amen.
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Compelling content. I love this line: Our circle of the despised and rejected was near complete.
Little, bitsy things to fix:
He devoured food like a bear to a honey hole.
He devoured food like a bear at a honey hole.
I looked over at Skye who bounced my son on her knee at the table while feeding him mashed potatoes.
Stick a comma after Skye
I trust your in no hurry to skedaddle?"
I trust you're in no hurry
That's quite alright.
That's quite all right.
Next day...
McCord ranch hands delivered the pigs and chickens
I would just say: The next day, McCord ranch hands delivered the pigs and chickens.
red faced
red-faced
green growing corn
I would put a comma after green
And even my boy, Josh smacked his hands together, as if Mr. Healy were on a stage.
Need one more comma after Josh
chestnut colored horses
chestnut-colored
Tell me what ya see girl."
Put a comma after see
union army
I would say Union army
"I got close enough to shout
Remove quotation mark in front of I
grave stone
make it one word: gravestone
"We were near killed in a hornets nest."
I think put an apostrophe after hornets
And also, I am going to suggest that you add an extra phrase to help explain why Jane doesn't recognize Jake McCord right away, because a bandage around a man's head isn't enough to keep a woman who knows Jake that well from recognizing him. I would say, perhaps just changing this slightly:
I noticed one had a bandaged head, as if a severe wound had given him a mile-wide stare.
Try:
I noticed one had a bandaged head, and his head drooped as if tired out from a long, painful journey, so that I could not see his eyes nor the rest of his face.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Compelling content. I love this line: Our circle of the despised and rejected was near complete.
Little, bitsy things to fix:
He devoured food like a bear to a honey hole.
He devoured food like a bear at a honey hole.
I looked over at Skye who bounced my son on her knee at the table while feeding him mashed potatoes.
Stick a comma after Skye
I trust your in no hurry to skedaddle?"
I trust you're in no hurry
That's quite alright.
That's quite all right.
Next day...
McCord ranch hands delivered the pigs and chickens
I would just say: The next day, McCord ranch hands delivered the pigs and chickens.
red faced
red-faced
green growing corn
I would put a comma after green
And even my boy, Josh smacked his hands together, as if Mr. Healy were on a stage.
Need one more comma after Josh
chestnut colored horses
chestnut-colored
Tell me what ya see girl."
Put a comma after see
union army
I would say Union army
"I got close enough to shout
Remove quotation mark in front of I
grave stone
make it one word: gravestone
"We were near killed in a hornets nest."
I think put an apostrophe after hornets
And also, I am going to suggest that you add an extra phrase to help explain why Jane doesn't recognize Jake McCord right away, because a bandage around a man's head isn't enough to keep a woman who knows Jake that well from recognizing him. I would say, perhaps just changing this slightly:
I noticed one had a bandaged head, as if a severe wound had given him a mile-wide stare.
Try:
I noticed one had a bandaged head, and his head drooped as if tired out from a long, painful journey, so that I could not see his eyes nor the rest of his face.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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You are exactly right. I needed to add more of his damaged and pained look and maybe him turned to the side. Great thoughts! Will do.
Comment from Mistydawn
I'm glad the first stranger, Mr. Healy ended up being a helping hand, well, somewhat, lol. I'm sure he'll get the hang of it eventually. I do hope she can save the young lad. Your story is very well-written, interesting, believable start to finish. I enjoyed the bit of humor. I look forward to reading more.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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I'm glad the first stranger, Mr. Healy ended up being a helping hand, well, somewhat, lol. I'm sure he'll get the hang of it eventually. I do hope she can save the young lad. Your story is very well-written, interesting, believable start to finish. I enjoyed the bit of humor. I look forward to reading more.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Misty! Trying to capture a certain mood of grit and faith in the times.
Comment from Ben Colder
Apparently I have missed much of this story but it was easy to pick up from what I have remembered. You give an article (The Oak) as a base point of remembrance and a direction toward traveling onward. You bring it together with a softness leaving a desire to read on.
Well done. Of course, I am hooked on the time frame and the surroundings.
Stay safe and look forward for another good post.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Apparently I have missed much of this story but it was easy to pick up from what I have remembered. You give an article (The Oak) as a base point of remembrance and a direction toward traveling onward. You bring it together with a softness leaving a desire to read on.
Well done. Of course, I am hooked on the time frame and the surroundings.
Stay safe and look forward for another good post.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Thanks! As the novel progresses Jane will be taken by a tribe, Lakota?. I will be leaning on you help me be authentic and fair to both sides. I emphasis how trading was a way of life. How rape was not in their culture either. She will attempt to witness to them and tells Bible stories to their children in captivity. In part, it will be a montage of true life women who when captive showed true grit and faith.
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I will do what I can. Sounds like a very good story.
Comment from Sally Law
Excellent story and rich descriptions of the characters and scenery. It was easy for me to jump into the storyline of your novella chapter.
A few small fixes for your consideration.
- "Well, now, ...." Add comma in both areas where you use this phrase.
-Remove quote marks at the end of "He devoured the last biscuit."
-Double-barrelled shotgun. Hyphenated.
I enjoyed this very much. Sending you my best today as always,
Sally :)
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Excellent story and rich descriptions of the characters and scenery. It was easy for me to jump into the storyline of your novella chapter.
A few small fixes for your consideration.
- "Well, now, ...." Add comma in both areas where you use this phrase.
-Remove quote marks at the end of "He devoured the last biscuit."
-Double-barrelled shotgun. Hyphenated.
I enjoyed this very much. Sending you my best today as always,
Sally :)
Comment Written 12-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Sally. I quickly went back and fixed those errors. I always appreciate help with editing. My ability good grammar and editing often misses the mark.
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You are most welcome. Sal :)
Comment from BethShelby
This lady had got a lot of spunk and she seems to have a head for business and I think she will be able to make her homestead do well in spite of being a widow. She seems quite fond of this injured man. I don't remember how she knows him.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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This lady had got a lot of spunk and she seems to have a head for business and I think she will be able to make her homestead do well in spite of being a widow. She seems quite fond of this injured man. I don't remember how she knows him.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Beth. He made advances to her too soon after her husband passed. He left to join the war, in part because he wanted to escape his love for her and wished to die. Blessings....
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Thanks, I remember now who he was.
