The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "A Place in the Sun"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
10 total reviews
Comment from w.j.debi
An intriguing story. There seems to be plenty of hard work and unexpected surprises on this little homestead.
I have to admit I was confused at the beginning who was speaking, but it all made sense after a couple of paragraphs. We get the protagonist's name, Mrs. Taylor, once the tarred and feathered man speaks.
Excellent dialogue. I like the interaction between Skye and the Taylor baby.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2020
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An intriguing story. There seems to be plenty of hard work and unexpected surprises on this little homestead.
I have to admit I was confused at the beginning who was speaking, but it all made sense after a couple of paragraphs. We get the protagonist's name, Mrs. Taylor, once the tarred and feathered man speaks.
Excellent dialogue. I like the interaction between Skye and the Taylor baby.
Comment Written 13-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2020
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Thanks so much. I appreciate your specific mentions. Blessings...
Comment from Alaskastory
"A Place in the Sun" is a chapter that is surprising and exciting. I appreciate the movement of your characters. Only thing I longed for was a comment or two between Skye and Jane, just to show their attitudes. Well done.
typo: (")Pay no mind what you...."
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2020
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"A Place in the Sun" is a chapter that is surprising and exciting. I appreciate the movement of your characters. Only thing I longed for was a comment or two between Skye and Jane, just to show their attitudes. Well done.
typo: (")Pay no mind what you...."
Comment Written 30-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2020
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Thanks, Marie!
Comment from CrystieCookie999
I think this does a great job of explaining how hard it is for two women to work the fields in a frontier area. Marvelous details, as always. It sounds like meeting Tom Healy could go either way, so the reader is left wondering what will happen next. Just little things to fix:
I imagined Jake returning home from the war and then I would tell him, and it would be no lie, that I loved him, and he was a good man.
Maybe try: I imagined Jake returning home from the war, and then I would tell him--(long dash)and it would be no lie--(second long dash)that I loved him, and he was a good man.
As I thought or imagined him appearing on the hazy horizon beyond the bluffs sweat gave way to tears.
I think just say: As I imagined him appearing on the hazy horizon beyond the bluffs, (insert comma after bluffs) sweat gave way to tears.
The hardscrabble of a homestead left hanging missed opportunities for companionship.
Super 'h' alliteration
The hardscrabble of a homestead left hanging offered few opportunities for companionship.
I had no room left for worry over Skye(insert comma) the Indian girl(insert comma) going back to whoring, (add word: with) the worry over whether Jake would come back from the war in one piece.
Skye took my golden mare, named Yellow Fever toward the open barn.
(ok to take the comma out after mare)
(second option: put another comma after Fever, plus keep the one you have, since this is pretty much an appositive phrase)
For the day was spent and a cool blanket of relief swept over us.
This is a super description. Maybe try: For the day was spent, and a cool blanket of relief swept over us.
A creature leaped forward into the open air. Half man. Half bird.
I think use a long dash instead of a period after air.
So: A creature leaped forward into the open air--half man, half bird.
I didn't like the fact my son fussed without me to hold him. The sun had drained all patience. I held up a hand to Skye and shouted at the unwelcomed sight. "Come no further, and state your business, and don't bat an eye! I will leave you a hole the size of a wrecking ball!"
(Ok, the Internet says the wrecking ball was invented in 1888. I can't remember when your setting takes place, but if it's earlier than that, maybe try a different comparison).
Skye. Fetch a lantern and see to my son."
I think say: Skye, fetch a lantern, and see to my son."
"I'm at your mercy. I prayed, as I sometimes crawled in the tall grass as a creature for someone who would offer me Christian hospitality."
I think instead of sometimes crawled, maybe say: I prayed as I went crawling through the grass like an animal for someone who would offer me Christian hospitality."
"Names, Tom, Tom Healy."
Try: "Name's Tom. Tom Healy."
Don't try her, none. Meanwhile there's water in a trough, I suggest you get busy with it before the skeeters eat you alive."
Take comma out after her
Put a period in place of the comma after trough
Much obliged to your husband too.
Put a comma after husband
I'll see to it your fed and watered.
I'll see to it you're fed and watered.
When the sun comes up we can talk.
Put a comma after up
I got no time for charity and I don't fret none what you think of me."
Put a comma after charity
As Sky passed by with a lantern to the front door, I watched her quiet, unwavering loyalty.
add e to end of Skye's name
As she hung the lantern on the nail in front by the door. I held my playful son on the floorboard.
Put a comma after door instead of a period.
Skye knelt, and beckoned the boy to come to her.
Ok to take the comma out after knelt as it is just a double verb
He smiled with cherub smile.
He smiled with a cherubic smile.
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I think this does a great job of explaining how hard it is for two women to work the fields in a frontier area. Marvelous details, as always. It sounds like meeting Tom Healy could go either way, so the reader is left wondering what will happen next. Just little things to fix:
I imagined Jake returning home from the war and then I would tell him, and it would be no lie, that I loved him, and he was a good man.
Maybe try: I imagined Jake returning home from the war, and then I would tell him--(long dash)and it would be no lie--(second long dash)that I loved him, and he was a good man.
As I thought or imagined him appearing on the hazy horizon beyond the bluffs sweat gave way to tears.
I think just say: As I imagined him appearing on the hazy horizon beyond the bluffs, (insert comma after bluffs) sweat gave way to tears.
The hardscrabble of a homestead left hanging missed opportunities for companionship.
Super 'h' alliteration
The hardscrabble of a homestead left hanging offered few opportunities for companionship.
I had no room left for worry over Skye(insert comma) the Indian girl(insert comma) going back to whoring, (add word: with) the worry over whether Jake would come back from the war in one piece.
Skye took my golden mare, named Yellow Fever toward the open barn.
(ok to take the comma out after mare)
(second option: put another comma after Fever, plus keep the one you have, since this is pretty much an appositive phrase)
For the day was spent and a cool blanket of relief swept over us.
This is a super description. Maybe try: For the day was spent, and a cool blanket of relief swept over us.
A creature leaped forward into the open air. Half man. Half bird.
I think use a long dash instead of a period after air.
So: A creature leaped forward into the open air--half man, half bird.
I didn't like the fact my son fussed without me to hold him. The sun had drained all patience. I held up a hand to Skye and shouted at the unwelcomed sight. "Come no further, and state your business, and don't bat an eye! I will leave you a hole the size of a wrecking ball!"
(Ok, the Internet says the wrecking ball was invented in 1888. I can't remember when your setting takes place, but if it's earlier than that, maybe try a different comparison).
Skye. Fetch a lantern and see to my son."
I think say: Skye, fetch a lantern, and see to my son."
"I'm at your mercy. I prayed, as I sometimes crawled in the tall grass as a creature for someone who would offer me Christian hospitality."
I think instead of sometimes crawled, maybe say: I prayed as I went crawling through the grass like an animal for someone who would offer me Christian hospitality."
"Names, Tom, Tom Healy."
Try: "Name's Tom. Tom Healy."
Don't try her, none. Meanwhile there's water in a trough, I suggest you get busy with it before the skeeters eat you alive."
Take comma out after her
Put a period in place of the comma after trough
Much obliged to your husband too.
Put a comma after husband
I'll see to it your fed and watered.
I'll see to it you're fed and watered.
When the sun comes up we can talk.
Put a comma after up
I got no time for charity and I don't fret none what you think of me."
Put a comma after charity
As Sky passed by with a lantern to the front door, I watched her quiet, unwavering loyalty.
add e to end of Skye's name
As she hung the lantern on the nail in front by the door. I held my playful son on the floorboard.
Put a comma after door instead of a period.
Skye knelt, and beckoned the boy to come to her.
Ok to take the comma out after knelt as it is just a double verb
He smiled with cherub smile.
He smiled with a cherubic smile.
Comment Written 29-Jun-2020
Comment from Mastery
Hi Stan. I like the way your story is progressing since the last chapter I read. It has a good "farming feel" to it.
You have a fabulous amount of imagery throughout and that keeps you from "Telling" the story and "showing" it instead.
Images like this: "Sweat stung my eyes and blurred my vision, but I could see her rows were more like waves."
And here: "As the sun melted over the horizon west, the skies turned to rose and lavender." (Perfect, Stan)
And again, here: "He smiled with cherub smile. He wobbled a bit and then found his legs and stumbled toward her."
Brilliant writing, my friend. : ) Bob
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
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Hi Stan. I like the way your story is progressing since the last chapter I read. It has a good "farming feel" to it.
You have a fabulous amount of imagery throughout and that keeps you from "Telling" the story and "showing" it instead.
Images like this: "Sweat stung my eyes and blurred my vision, but I could see her rows were more like waves."
And here: "As the sun melted over the horizon west, the skies turned to rose and lavender." (Perfect, Stan)
And again, here: "He smiled with cherub smile. He wobbled a bit and then found his legs and stumbled toward her."
Brilliant writing, my friend. : ) Bob
Comment Written 29-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
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Thanks, Bob. This means much coming from you. So appreciate showing me what resonates. Blessings...
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a very good, interesting, and intriguing story with twists and turns. I enjoy it very much. The language is raw and very realistic, and the characters are so real I forget I am reading fiction. Well done!
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
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This is a very good, interesting, and intriguing story with twists and turns. I enjoy it very much. The language is raw and very realistic, and the characters are so real I forget I am reading fiction. Well done!
Comment Written 29-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 29-Jun-2020
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Thanks so much for sticking with the story. Your words here are the best compliment one could hope for. Blessings...
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You're welcome.
Comment from Ben Colder
You do something I could never do and that a story in first person being a woman. Now that is talent. A very good historical time of American History. Much can be said about this time period. Well written.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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You do something I could never do and that a story in first person being a woman. Now that is talent. A very good historical time of American History. Much can be said about this time period. Well written.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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Thanks again, brother.
Comment from royowen
I like this wonderful post my friend. It's solid fiction, but written from what I would call a Christian perspective, I know that people on the land are made of stern stuff, and have to have more faith than a city dweller such as myself has. I admire the modern ones, never mind the older ones. Beautifully written, I'm enjoying your plot and the wonder of mother with a small nursing child, and a rescued Indian half breed, great cast of characters. Well done, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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I like this wonderful post my friend. It's solid fiction, but written from what I would call a Christian perspective, I know that people on the land are made of stern stuff, and have to have more faith than a city dweller such as myself has. I admire the modern ones, never mind the older ones. Beautifully written, I'm enjoying your plot and the wonder of mother with a small nursing child, and a rescued Indian half breed, great cast of characters. Well done, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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Thanks so much sir. I was hoping that if I put supporting character the world rejects, there would be subtle Christian messaging in it, like, "God calling the rejected and despised of the world." You and Ben Colder both have encouraged my walk beyond words, and my desire to see this project through.
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Well done
Comment from BethShelby
This is an interesting story. I like the elements you are adding to it like the Indian girl and not the tarred and feathers elixir salesman. I think you have a unique group of characters and your writing is very creative.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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This is an interesting story. I like the elements you are adding to it like the Indian girl and not the tarred and feathers elixir salesman. I think you have a unique group of characters and your writing is very creative.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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Thanks again, Beth. I'm humbly, grateful.
Comment from Mistydawn
I was worried about Jane, being alone like she is, but I see now she can handle her own just fine. I'm hoping the guy will be a blessing to her, help her in the field, and with the chores. Not bring trouble her way. God knows she doesn't need any more of that. Your chapter is very well-written, interesting start to finish. Your character's dialogue and their actions seem believable. I look forward to reading more. I'm so glad Skye is a big help to her.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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I was worried about Jane, being alone like she is, but I see now she can handle her own just fine. I'm hoping the guy will be a blessing to her, help her in the field, and with the chores. Not bring trouble her way. God knows she doesn't need any more of that. Your chapter is very well-written, interesting start to finish. Your character's dialogue and their actions seem believable. I look forward to reading more. I'm so glad Skye is a big help to her.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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Thanks again, Misty.
Comment from lancellot
A well written chapter. I only saw one thing of concern.
notes:
I will leave you a hole the size of a wrecking ball!"
- Are you about this. I don't think the wrecking ball was invented yet, definitely not commonly used until the 1950s.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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A well written chapter. I only saw one thing of concern.
notes:
I will leave you a hole the size of a wrecking ball!"
- Are you about this. I don't think the wrecking ball was invented yet, definitely not commonly used until the 1950s.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2020
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Thanks, so much. I knew I should have looked it up.