Perhaps
A contest entry16 total reviews
Comment from lyenochka
I had to scroll back to find the "cuss word." It seemed so natural for a sergeant to talk like that I didn't notice. Were you ever in the military? It sounds like you capture the culture well. And yes, there are families where military life is a kind of tradition down the generations.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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I had to scroll back to find the "cuss word." It seemed so natural for a sergeant to talk like that I didn't notice. Were you ever in the military? It sounds like you capture the culture well. And yes, there are families where military life is a kind of tradition down the generations.
Comment Written 29-Sep-2020
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2020
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Thank you Helen for reading, reviewing and your great comments. No, I wasn't in the military but I was in the St. John's Ambulance Brigade for several years. We had dress uniforms for important meetings and parades but we wore white shirts, black pants, black tie and black shoes when on duty. Oh and a black cap like the navy one. We covered all events as first aiders, had meetings every week part of which was a parade practice. I was already a nurse so I was a Lieutenant in their ranks.
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Sounds like another fascinating time of your life! 💖
Comment from Liz O'Neill
Your setting helps to create your characters. I like this imagery. You will draw some hard working readers in: "Our eyes were straight ahead as directed, we saluted as we tolerated the constant sweat dripping in our eyes, down our noses and spread patterns of wetness on our fatigues." The speaker couldn't follow the trail of sweat, but the reader does. This has a great ending. There is much more I could say, but this is enough for now. I have to give A+
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2020
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Your setting helps to create your characters. I like this imagery. You will draw some hard working readers in: "Our eyes were straight ahead as directed, we saluted as we tolerated the constant sweat dripping in our eyes, down our noses and spread patterns of wetness on our fatigues." The speaker couldn't follow the trail of sweat, but the reader does. This has a great ending. There is much more I could say, but this is enough for now. I have to give A+
Comment Written 02-Aug-2020
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2020
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Thank you Liz for reading, reviewing and your fantastic comments. The stars were a bonus for me, thank you.
Comment from Melissa Russell Deur
Congratulations on your 2nd place finish in the "Give me twenty" contest! I really enjoyed your story and LOVED the ending. That truly surprised me.
There is a typo:
patterns of wetness on our fatiques. (should be fatigues)
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Congratulations on your 2nd place finish in the "Give me twenty" contest! I really enjoyed your story and LOVED the ending. That truly surprised me.
There is a typo:
patterns of wetness on our fatiques. (should be fatigues)
Comment Written 26-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 27-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much Melissa for reading, reviewing and your great comments. Thanks for catching the typo, I will correct it in a moment.
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You?re welcome!
Comment from dragonpoet
This poem shows the rigor of military training and how strong both physically annd mentally you have to be. It also shows that there should be no nepotism in the armed forces.
I like the line of ducks like a line of soldiers. And the fifth duck is a little off the line which could denote the daughter who was fifth in line.
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
dragonpoet
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2020
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This poem shows the rigor of military training and how strong both physically annd mentally you have to be. It also shows that there should be no nepotism in the armed forces.
I like the line of ducks like a line of soldiers. And the fifth duck is a little off the line which could denote the daughter who was fifth in line.
Congrats on placing second in the contest.
Keep writing and stay healthy.
dragonpoet
Comment Written 24-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much for reading, reviewing and your great comments, it definitely reflects on your understanding of the forces.
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You are most kindly welcome on all accounts.
dp
Comment from Elizabeth Emerald
Congrats on your prize--glad I caught up to this twister--missed the release. Masterfully written! What a clever punch at the end--didn't see it coming. Cheers. LIZ
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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Congrats on your prize--glad I caught up to this twister--missed the release. Masterfully written! What a clever punch at the end--didn't see it coming. Cheers. LIZ
Comment Written 21-Jul-2020
reply by the author on 22-Jul-2020
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Thank you so much Elizabeth for reading, reviewing and your great comments.
Comment from BeasPeas
I really enjoyed reading this story. Well described and with a surprise ending. I got a giggle out of the image used to illustrate. Best of luck in the contest with this worthy entry. Marilyn
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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I really enjoyed reading this story. Well described and with a surprise ending. I got a giggle out of the image used to illustrate. Best of luck in the contest with this worthy entry. Marilyn
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 25-Jun-2020
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Thank you once again for reading, reviewing and gracious comments. When I searched for a picture and typed in soldiers most pictures were of abstract art and then this lonely little picture dubbed 'The Canadian Navy', well since I am Canadian by birth I figured why not, lol.
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It fits perfectly. All those ducks in a row. :)
Comment from Robert Zimmerman
Hi Alie. First, that is an amazing picture. Having all of the geese lined up in single file is great. Your story took me back to my days when I was hearing "give me twenty" more than any other phrase.
Like all good short stories, there has to be an outstanding closing. You did great with your closing line. That was a total surprise to me and it brought a smile.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Robert
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Hi Alie. First, that is an amazing picture. Having all of the geese lined up in single file is great. Your story took me back to my days when I was hearing "give me twenty" more than any other phrase.
Like all good short stories, there has to be an outstanding closing. You did great with your closing line. That was a total surprise to me and it brought a smile.
Well done and good luck in the contest.
Robert
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you so much, Robert for reading, reviewing and your great comments. Sorry about the memories but I am glad it made you smile.
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You're very welcome.
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once in a while I get inspired, lol.
Comment from Pantygynt
This has a lovely twist in the tail. I didn't see it coming either so its possibility must have been well camouflaged, another skill you will learn in this class even if you think you have learned it already, soldier.
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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This has a lovely twist in the tail. I didn't see it coming either so its possibility must have been well camouflaged, another skill you will learn in this class even if you think you have learned it already, soldier.
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you Jim for reading, reviewing and your fantastic comments.
Comment from Jannypan (Jan)
This is a great contest entry, aryr. There's no doubt that '20' is well-represented. You did a great job with the imagery in you story. I could see everything as I read it. I love the twist at the end. Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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This is a great contest entry, aryr. There's no doubt that '20' is well-represented. You did a great job with the imagery in you story. I could see everything as I read it. I love the twist at the end. Thanks for sharing and best wishes.
Respectfully, Jan
Comment Written 23-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you Jan for reading, reviewing and your great comments, especially about imagery.
Comment from royowen
Heh heh I loved this, particularly since I have two daughters and a granddaughter who I spoil rotten, I don't know where or how I could be a Major or not,, thanks for writing, fabulous. Loved it. Blessings Roy
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Heh heh I loved this, particularly since I have two daughters and a granddaughter who I spoil rotten, I don't know where or how I could be a Major or not,, thanks for writing, fabulous. Loved it. Blessings Roy
Comment Written 23-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 24-Jun-2020
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Thank you Roy for reading, reviewing and your fantastic comments, blessings to all.
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Bless you