The Spirit of the Wind
Viewing comments for Chapter 7 "Trading Flesh"Newylwed homesteader Jane becomes a widow
7 total reviews
Comment from CrystieCookie999
Sorry I am slow catching up on reading due to dental appointments. I liked reading this. It is always great to read about strong female characters. Just little things to fix:
Dressed in my blue and white calico dress(add comma after dress) I was out of place but on display.
The bartender, to his credit with white cloth over his shoulder and a wrinkled brow leaned over the bar.
I think I get the meaning of saying 'to his credit' but something is still reading awkward. Maybe try: The bartender, standing with a white cloth over his shoulder, greeted me politely, to his credit. He leaned over the bar, his age showing in his wrinkled brow.
I took the pair for brothers with rust-colored beards, dressed as prairie hunters-likely for Buffalo. Un-capitalize Buffalo. Unless you mean Buffalo the city.
"Ma'am." (new paragraph) This time the bartender broke my stare. I halted my forward momentum. Thoughts shifted to where I imagined standing on the stain of wood where my husband's life was ended by a gambler. "I reckoned it was time enough for me to see the place where my husband was killed."
He smelled fowl (foul) as a carcass in the sun.
(Add quotation marks in front of I was ) I was taking her upstairs to get what I paid fer. Did you want to watch?"
He smiled with a hiss. "Am I you're type?"
"Am I your type?"
"Not hardly." (ha, love the spunky retort)
"Ma'am. I think you should leave," Said the bartender whose brow deepened.
Uncapitalize Said to said and add a comma after bartender.
The brother with free hands beside the table, grabbed me and tugged until I fell into his lap. Take out the comma after table.
Without room to think, I slipped the derringer out from under my dress and shoved it into the back of his neck.
I would capitalize Derringer since it is a very specific kind of gun. But it seems there are websites where it is un-capitalized.
.
I looked over at the girl. "You have a choice now girl. I need help on my homestead. Room and board if you want it."
Add a comma after choice now
The man stood over the girl and pulled out a bowie knife, holding it to her throat. I would capitalize Bowie knife
I shoved away from the man in the chair. I think maybe: I pushed away from the man in the chair.
I pulled two gold coins from my sewn slip pocket. "Here's my retainer. Send me a bill and I will make good on the remainder when the crops come in."
Put a comma after bill
I breathed a sigh, as I led the Indian girl away with me into the dusty street, I was relieved that Tad had not pulled his rifle and come closer. I knew he figured me for too much grit, and not enough horse sense.
Take comma out after sigh (or leave it in, it's kind of a judgment choice here). Put a period after street instead of a comma. Take the comma out after grit.
I spoke to the Indian girl, as we climbed into the buckboard of the wagon. "What's your name child?"
Put a comma in after name
Within her blue eyes was a window to her soul, and I aimed to find it. I could see her true self hiding, the girl inside, never able to live that part of her life. Her wayfaring eyes spoke like an unread book. "I too have been lost in a man's world with nothing but my heart, and seeds to sow, and find my place. I suspect we need each for season."
"I, too, have been lost
I suspect we need each other for a season."
  |
Sorry I am slow catching up on reading due to dental appointments. I liked reading this. It is always great to read about strong female characters. Just little things to fix:
Dressed in my blue and white calico dress(add comma after dress) I was out of place but on display.
The bartender, to his credit with white cloth over his shoulder and a wrinkled brow leaned over the bar.
I think I get the meaning of saying 'to his credit' but something is still reading awkward. Maybe try: The bartender, standing with a white cloth over his shoulder, greeted me politely, to his credit. He leaned over the bar, his age showing in his wrinkled brow.
I took the pair for brothers with rust-colored beards, dressed as prairie hunters-likely for Buffalo. Un-capitalize Buffalo. Unless you mean Buffalo the city.
"Ma'am." (new paragraph) This time the bartender broke my stare. I halted my forward momentum. Thoughts shifted to where I imagined standing on the stain of wood where my husband's life was ended by a gambler. "I reckoned it was time enough for me to see the place where my husband was killed."
He smelled fowl (foul) as a carcass in the sun.
(Add quotation marks in front of I was ) I was taking her upstairs to get what I paid fer. Did you want to watch?"
He smiled with a hiss. "Am I you're type?"
"Am I your type?"
"Not hardly." (ha, love the spunky retort)
"Ma'am. I think you should leave," Said the bartender whose brow deepened.
Uncapitalize Said to said and add a comma after bartender.
The brother with free hands beside the table, grabbed me and tugged until I fell into his lap. Take out the comma after table.
Without room to think, I slipped the derringer out from under my dress and shoved it into the back of his neck.
I would capitalize Derringer since it is a very specific kind of gun. But it seems there are websites where it is un-capitalized.
.
I looked over at the girl. "You have a choice now girl. I need help on my homestead. Room and board if you want it."
Add a comma after choice now
The man stood over the girl and pulled out a bowie knife, holding it to her throat. I would capitalize Bowie knife
I shoved away from the man in the chair. I think maybe: I pushed away from the man in the chair.
I pulled two gold coins from my sewn slip pocket. "Here's my retainer. Send me a bill and I will make good on the remainder when the crops come in."
Put a comma after bill
I breathed a sigh, as I led the Indian girl away with me into the dusty street, I was relieved that Tad had not pulled his rifle and come closer. I knew he figured me for too much grit, and not enough horse sense.
Take comma out after sigh (or leave it in, it's kind of a judgment choice here). Put a period after street instead of a comma. Take the comma out after grit.
I spoke to the Indian girl, as we climbed into the buckboard of the wagon. "What's your name child?"
Put a comma in after name
Within her blue eyes was a window to her soul, and I aimed to find it. I could see her true self hiding, the girl inside, never able to live that part of her life. Her wayfaring eyes spoke like an unread book. "I too have been lost in a man's world with nothing but my heart, and seeds to sow, and find my place. I suspect we need each for season."
"I, too, have been lost
I suspect we need each other for a season."
Comment Written 24-Jun-2020
Comment from Alaskastory
"Trading Flesh" is very well portrayed. This scene is great for revealing Jane in a different way.
Might want to show a little fear of Jane's derringer with a shout or grown: "I shoved away from the man in the chair."
typo:....."waited for business. (")I was taking her upstairs...."
Fun read. Marie
 |
"Trading Flesh" is very well portrayed. This scene is great for revealing Jane in a different way.
Might want to show a little fear of Jane's derringer with a shout or grown: "I shoved away from the man in the chair."
typo:....."waited for business. (")I was taking her upstairs...."
Fun read. Marie
Comment Written 19-Jun-2020
Comment from Mistydawn
This is a very well-written, interesting chapter. It had me on the edge of my seat afraid of what's going to happen to her. She and the girl seem to have a lot in common. I do hope they get along well and the poor girl can finally have the life she deserves. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2020
|
This is a very well-written, interesting chapter. It had me on the edge of my seat afraid of what's going to happen to her. She and the girl seem to have a lot in common. I do hope they get along well and the poor girl can finally have the life she deserves. Nicely done.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 18-Jun-2020
-
I apologize because I accidentally got the same chapter submitted twice under two different names. Thanks so much. You may find it listed again on your list.
-
I saw that thought maybe fan story had a glitch in the system.
Comment from robyn corum
Stan,
Nice addition to the family. I'm leaving some notes below and moving to the next chap:
1.) (")I was taking her upstairs to get what I paid fer. Did you want to watch?"
2.) He smiled with a hiss. "Am I (your) type?"
3.) "Ma'am. I think you should leave," (s)aid the bartender
Nice job!
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2020
|
Stan,
Nice addition to the family. I'm leaving some notes below and moving to the next chap:
1.) (")I was taking her upstairs to get what I paid fer. Did you want to watch?"
2.) He smiled with a hiss. "Am I (your) type?"
3.) "Ma'am. I think you should leave," (s)aid the bartender
Nice job!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 01-Jul-2020
-
Thanks, Robyn!
Comment from BethShelby
This is a really well written and interesting story. I enjoyed reading this. I don't know how you keep up with two interesting stories at the same time but I like them both.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
|
This is a really well written and interesting story. I enjoyed reading this. I don't know how you keep up with two interesting stories at the same time but I like them both.
Comment Written 18-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
-
Thanks, Beth
Comment from thaities, Rebecca V.
This is a great story and I find myself looking forward to each posting. You are a wonderful storyteller. The characters and conversations are so real. Well done!
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
|
This is a great story and I find myself looking forward to each posting. You are a wonderful storyteller. The characters and conversations are so real. Well done!
Comment Written 18-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
-
Thanks, Rebecca. I should have a new post this weekend. Thanks!
-
Yea!
Comment from roof35
I think I came in late to this book and I would love to see the whole thing. I have always liked westerns when they are well done like this one. The picture hooked me first, but the excellent writing kept me going to the end. P.S. I spent 30 years in Rochester NY.
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
|
I think I came in late to this book and I would love to see the whole thing. I have always liked westerns when they are well done like this one. The picture hooked me first, but the excellent writing kept me going to the end. P.S. I spent 30 years in Rochester NY.
Comment Written 17-Jun-2020
reply by the author on 26-Jun-2020
-
Thanks again!