Heart Cafted Poems - 2020
Viewing comments for Chapter 24 "Boyish Love"Musings of an old man -2020
19 total reviews
Comment from Chrissy710
Hi JLR
Not a bad effort for your first sonnet quite a difficult style to master with all the rules etc re meter and rhyme. My only question is that in Stanza's 1 and 2 you have used 10 11 10 11 syllable lines but you third stanza you change to 11 10 11 10 syllable lines With two 11 11 lines in the couplet which is OK
Only my observation seems a little inconsistent in meter However ai did enjoy your content and the image was very appropriate to your words Cheers Chris
PS I am far from an expert but sometimes notice things
reply by the author on 10-May-2020
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Hi JLR
Not a bad effort for your first sonnet quite a difficult style to master with all the rules etc re meter and rhyme. My only question is that in Stanza's 1 and 2 you have used 10 11 10 11 syllable lines but you third stanza you change to 11 10 11 10 syllable lines With two 11 11 lines in the couplet which is OK
Only my observation seems a little inconsistent in meter However ai did enjoy your content and the image was very appropriate to your words Cheers Chris
PS I am far from an expert but sometimes notice things
Comment Written 10-May-2020
reply by the author on 10-May-2020
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Chris. thank you for these solid observations. I am taking a class on meter in the fall and like a sponge sopping up all these words of wisdom and I am grateful fro yours as well!
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Not a problem JLR sometimes one can be a bit picky but I always try to keep the meter even and still learning heaps also Keep writing and enjoy the classes I may call on you for advice Cheers Chris
Comment from Bill Schott
This sonnet, Boyish Love, has the proper formatting and moves the reader through the building of a discerning eye for the discriminating man. The poem's format pokes out here and there with extra syllables, but the message is well done and clear.
reply by the author on 10-May-2020
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This sonnet, Boyish Love, has the proper formatting and moves the reader through the building of a discerning eye for the discriminating man. The poem's format pokes out here and there with extra syllables, but the message is well done and clear.
Comment Written 09-May-2020
reply by the author on 10-May-2020
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Bill thank you, I am taking a class on meter in the fall and like a sponge sopping up all these words of wisdom and I am grateful fro yours as well!
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Boyish Love
by JLR
Hello my friend
Great sonnet, you and your fs friends did well. Pretty presentation too, honey. Well done. I don't see anything to fix.
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Boyish Love
by JLR
Hello my friend
Great sonnet, you and your fs friends did well. Pretty presentation too, honey. Well done. I don't see anything to fix.
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Gypsy, thank you!
Comment from Janice Canerdy
Your Shakespearean sonnet is well-written, descriptive of how love matures with time, romantic, and appealing. Note: "Laddies" and "ladies"
don't rhyme.
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Your Shakespearean sonnet is well-written, descriptive of how love matures with time, romantic, and appealing. Note: "Laddies" and "ladies"
don't rhyme.
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 09-May-2020
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Janice, I am taking poetic license with this being a near rhyme - practice will make perfect the heart of this peot as I gain more skill, thank you.
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Amazing sonnet, line five out of metre,
Suggestion:
"And buried deep inside a slew of thoughts"
but overall I love the sentiments, metre and end rhymes, a vey pleasing sonnet indeed, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Amazing sonnet, line five out of metre,
Suggestion:
"And buried deep inside a slew of thoughts"
but overall I love the sentiments, metre and end rhymes, a vey pleasing sonnet indeed, much enjoyed, love Dolly x
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Dolly, so with your wonderful assistance, I gather that is recommended change - it suggests that each line would begin with unstressed word followed by stressed...is that a correct assumption?
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Yes thats the iambic meter Jim, love Dolly x
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
The poem is infused with young thoughts of love and past desires. The art is very complimentary to the message you are sending here. I enjoyed reading this well-written reverie.
"Alas, life is chock full of silly laddies,
who learn to seek a lady they can love,
and boys look past the girls and bow to ladies.
A woman who is wise fits hand to glove;"
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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The poem is infused with young thoughts of love and past desires. The art is very complimentary to the message you are sending here. I enjoyed reading this well-written reverie.
"Alas, life is chock full of silly laddies,
who learn to seek a lady they can love,
and boys look past the girls and bow to ladies.
A woman who is wise fits hand to glove;"
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Raffaelina,ahh yes the transition from boyhood to manhood , for some can be a leap of faith.
Comment from A. Louise Robertson
Lovely and romantic this piece is quite lovely. The artwork is a nice accompaniment as well. I wonder if it should be thoughts, instead of thought, since the word slew indicates a plural noun. Just a suggestion, the sonnet is well done.
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Lovely and romantic this piece is quite lovely. The artwork is a nice accompaniment as well. I wonder if it should be thoughts, instead of thought, since the word slew indicates a plural noun. Just a suggestion, the sonnet is well done.
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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A. Louise a nice suggestion thank you!
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written sonnet about a boyish live that matures throughout the years into adulthood but the first love is still strong without a doubt the couple belong with one another.
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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A very well-written sonnet about a boyish live that matures throughout the years into adulthood but the first love is still strong without a doubt the couple belong with one another.
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Sandra, thank you for your positive comments.
Comment from Aussie
Hoary hair? I was thinking about that, sounds like hog-hair! Ah, yes, love is blind to warts and all. We see what we want to see; caution thrown to the four winds. Wisdom comes with age, age comes with look see at younger women and vice versa. Loved your chapter! Blessings good looking. XXK
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Hoary hair? I was thinking about that, sounds like hog-hair! Ah, yes, love is blind to warts and all. We see what we want to see; caution thrown to the four winds. Wisdom comes with age, age comes with look see at younger women and vice versa. Loved your chapter! Blessings good looking. XXK
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Thank you my friend, I hope your world is settling back into some patterns of normalcy. Be well!
Comment from Gloria ....
Well hats off to you J for your first sonnet. Learning the basic English sonnet form is a staple offering on FanStory although not a requirement.
I will go through stanza one and offer my "observations" about POV mainly.
Below the crest of yonder waterfall, - Perfect Iambic metre, so a wonderful start.
I sit to tell you this love story- here is where you have a Point of View and or tense issue. If you were under the crest of yonder waterfall, then it has to be past tense because you can't be currently sitting under a distant waterfall. That could be remedied by changing I sit, to I sat. And who is I? Is that you telling readers about your own experience with love? If so then you need to change the his to my for the rest of the sonnet.
You have also used a feminine ending with the word "story" STOry so that means an 11 syllable line, which is matched up with a sister 11 syllable line ending with hoary. HOARy. I think when first learning the sonnet it's best to learn with stressed syllable line ends rather than unstressed (feminine) syllables, but that's just my opinion.
Anyway that's just a start, as most of the poem isn't written in iambic pentametre which is the signature of the simple English sonnet.
That said, I applaud your poem and courage! You are well on your way to becoming a writer of sonnets. So keep going, and once you get the metre you will never lose the beat.
Excellent J and I'm looking forward to your next sonnet. :)
Gloria
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Well hats off to you J for your first sonnet. Learning the basic English sonnet form is a staple offering on FanStory although not a requirement.
I will go through stanza one and offer my "observations" about POV mainly.
Below the crest of yonder waterfall, - Perfect Iambic metre, so a wonderful start.
I sit to tell you this love story- here is where you have a Point of View and or tense issue. If you were under the crest of yonder waterfall, then it has to be past tense because you can't be currently sitting under a distant waterfall. That could be remedied by changing I sit, to I sat. And who is I? Is that you telling readers about your own experience with love? If so then you need to change the his to my for the rest of the sonnet.
You have also used a feminine ending with the word "story" STOry so that means an 11 syllable line, which is matched up with a sister 11 syllable line ending with hoary. HOARy. I think when first learning the sonnet it's best to learn with stressed syllable line ends rather than unstressed (feminine) syllables, but that's just my opinion.
Anyway that's just a start, as most of the poem isn't written in iambic pentametre which is the signature of the simple English sonnet.
That said, I applaud your poem and courage! You are well on your way to becoming a writer of sonnets. So keep going, and once you get the metre you will never lose the beat.
Excellent J and I'm looking forward to your next sonnet. :)
Gloria
Comment Written 08-May-2020
reply by the author on 08-May-2020
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Gloria, thank you, thank you! I am going to take a meter class from James Bartlett this fall. I have always thought of myself more of a free verser. But I am thoroughly enjoying the learning phase I am in. Keep the honest feedback coming and I will continue to risk showing my sophomoric talent :)
