The Lioness of Shadi
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "The Mother of Night Winds"A fantasy adventure out of antiquity
6 total reviews
Comment from Faith Williams
Your description of severe thirst in the desert is vivid. One can almost taste the grit and dryness of it, wondering whether what she's seeing is simply a hallucination from lack of water. Your introduction of K'adau is amazing. From the sandstorm with purple lightning to her voice is enthralling.
These lines are excellent:
"Beauty has many forms. Not all of them are as readily apparent as what Zu prizes." Such a relevant thought as is the one that follows, "Some truths grow with time,"
A couple suggestions to consider:
"My city is slain, my city destroyed, my body tortured by the evils of men. I came here seeking you." Maybe change one of 'my city' to something else? My people lie slain?
'(It was) in the silence after the thunder, perfectly audible without the need for Ilati's ears, (that) the goddess spoke not with the growl of a beast, but with the midnight softness of owl feathers.' This sentence is amazing in its description, but I do think you could tighten it a bit. Maybe delete the words in parentheses?
I'm not sure Ilati (nor I, for that matter) yet understands, 'I desire you and all that you are. That is my price.' I look forward to reading what it actually entails.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2023
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Your description of severe thirst in the desert is vivid. One can almost taste the grit and dryness of it, wondering whether what she's seeing is simply a hallucination from lack of water. Your introduction of K'adau is amazing. From the sandstorm with purple lightning to her voice is enthralling.
These lines are excellent:
"Beauty has many forms. Not all of them are as readily apparent as what Zu prizes." Such a relevant thought as is the one that follows, "Some truths grow with time,"
A couple suggestions to consider:
"My city is slain, my city destroyed, my body tortured by the evils of men. I came here seeking you." Maybe change one of 'my city' to something else? My people lie slain?
'(It was) in the silence after the thunder, perfectly audible without the need for Ilati's ears, (that) the goddess spoke not with the growl of a beast, but with the midnight softness of owl feathers.' This sentence is amazing in its description, but I do think you could tighten it a bit. Maybe delete the words in parentheses?
I'm not sure Ilati (nor I, for that matter) yet understands, 'I desire you and all that you are. That is my price.' I look forward to reading what it actually entails.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2023
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2023
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Thank you for the suggestions! I?ll see about tightening up the phrasing. I?m trying to get the drafting done and then go back, but realistically I have the time to futz with it if I carve out some evenings. Thank you again for the edit suggestions.
Comment from Olivanne Marsh
Your description of the sandstorm is evocative. I could almost feel it myself. At times it did seem, however, like you were over doing it and saying the same thing over and over again. You do have a good command of language and the words you use paint a picture, but once the picture is there, it's time to stop adding to it. I mean, I think you should say something once as best you can and move forward, each word you use should do a job and once that job is done no other words are necessary.
I tried to give some examples of what I mean below. This is a good story, I think if you tighten up the writing a little it will be even better.
"She barely ever knew she was dying" Did you mean she barely even knew...?
"Her throat and mouth burned with an unquenchable drought that robbed her of all sane thought." This is the second time you've said, in a different way, that she was thirsty. I think you should say it once and move on. She is in the desert and about to die, of course she is thirsty.
"She endured it for longer than most..." Who is she? You should use her name in the first paragraph, so the reader isn't confused or distracted trying to figure out who she is.
"She was still dying, but for a moment there was a reprieve, a stay of execution." She is not still dying, if there is a reprieve or a stay...and which is it, a reprieve or a stay, or are they the same thing?
"The dust storm all around swirled and raged, but its fury seemed slowly released. It died around her, never touching a grain of sand on her person." This is confusing, are you describing the storm dying down? I thought all the sand on Ilati was purged by the goddess. Just don't understand what you are saying here.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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Your description of the sandstorm is evocative. I could almost feel it myself. At times it did seem, however, like you were over doing it and saying the same thing over and over again. You do have a good command of language and the words you use paint a picture, but once the picture is there, it's time to stop adding to it. I mean, I think you should say something once as best you can and move forward, each word you use should do a job and once that job is done no other words are necessary.
I tried to give some examples of what I mean below. This is a good story, I think if you tighten up the writing a little it will be even better.
"She barely ever knew she was dying" Did you mean she barely even knew...?
"Her throat and mouth burned with an unquenchable drought that robbed her of all sane thought." This is the second time you've said, in a different way, that she was thirsty. I think you should say it once and move on. She is in the desert and about to die, of course she is thirsty.
"She endured it for longer than most..." Who is she? You should use her name in the first paragraph, so the reader isn't confused or distracted trying to figure out who she is.
"She was still dying, but for a moment there was a reprieve, a stay of execution." She is not still dying, if there is a reprieve or a stay...and which is it, a reprieve or a stay, or are they the same thing?
"The dust storm all around swirled and raged, but its fury seemed slowly released. It died around her, never touching a grain of sand on her person." This is confusing, are you describing the storm dying down? I thought all the sand on Ilati was purged by the goddess. Just don't understand what you are saying here.
Comment Written 21-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. Sorry my response was so delayed, I work a lot. I?ll see if I can revise for better clarity. Thanks for pointing those problems out. I really appreciate it. Have a good day!
Comment from Kim Kinakin Tuckey
This is as a very interesting and mysterious story. There were so many creative descriptions. My favourite was - Her throat and mouth burned with an unquenchable drought that robbed her of all sane thought.
Very interesting read!
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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This is as a very interesting and mysterious story. There were so many creative descriptions. My favourite was - Her throat and mouth burned with an unquenchable drought that robbed her of all sane thought.
Very interesting read!
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. Sorry my response was so delayed, I work a lot.I really appreciate it and I hope you have a good day.
Comment from prettybluebirds
Excellent story. It held my attention from the first word to the last. I enjoyed reading your writing and look forward to more of this story. I see you have been writing for a long time so keep it up. Nicely done.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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Excellent story. It held my attention from the first word to the last. I enjoyed reading your writing and look forward to more of this story. I see you have been writing for a long time so keep it up. Nicely done.
Comment Written 20-Apr-2022
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2022
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Thank you for reading and reviewing. Sorry my response was so delayed, I work a lot. I really appreciate the feedback and I hope you have a good day.
Comment from Shirley McLain
An excellent chapter that I enjoyed reading. The characters are strong and the dialogue appears perfect. I am going to follow you so I can read more of this story. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2020
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An excellent chapter that I enjoyed reading. The characters are strong and the dialogue appears perfect. I am going to follow you so I can read more of this story. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 03-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2020
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Thank you very much for the review! I really appreciate the follow too.
Comment from samandlancelot
K. Olsen,
This was filled with risk, tension, high stakes, and an unveiling of passion in Ilati she didn't seem to have experienced before. Ilati has a desire that is worth risking everything.
Excellent!
It was hard to trust them so (delete 'so') after only a few days,
The gust raced on past Ilati, but not much further. (farther)
full well that she still faced an eater of men if ever there were (change 'were' to 'was' -- eater was) one.
Patricia
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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K. Olsen,
This was filled with risk, tension, high stakes, and an unveiling of passion in Ilati she didn't seem to have experienced before. Ilati has a desire that is worth risking everything.
Excellent!
It was hard to trust them so (delete 'so') after only a few days,
The gust raced on past Ilati, but not much further. (farther)
full well that she still faced an eater of men if ever there were (change 'were' to 'was' -- eater was) one.
Patricia
Comment Written 31-Mar-2020
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2020
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Thank you for your patience. I have now burned a mental reminder about further and farther into my retinas (or at least a mental shortcut for it), which should translate to an actual change. I?m debating the use of ?so? still, in terms of if it?s useful stylistically if not in reference to grammar. And thank you for drawing attention to the agreement issue with K?adau?s audience. Should be fixed tomorrow.
