Assassin Nation
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "Seeking Information"A sequel to the novel Baker's Dozen
16 total reviews
Comment from royowen
I enjoyed this very quirky excerpt, I loved the conversation, the clever way it led to the plane diving toward the ground, and then Manuel finally being able to gain Equilibrium, then coup de gras, mother calls. I loved this tongue in cheek work, not what ending I expected, but outstanding, well done, blessings Roy
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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I enjoyed this very quirky excerpt, I loved the conversation, the clever way it led to the plane diving toward the ground, and then Manuel finally being able to gain Equilibrium, then coup de gras, mother calls. I loved this tongue in cheek work, not what ending I expected, but outstanding, well done, blessings Roy
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thank you, Roy, for giving this a look.
Comment from nomi338
Man Talk about an instant jolt of adrenaline. That was something. Like the characters in this short vignette, I barely had time to catch my breath before all hell broke loose. Exciting!
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Man Talk about an instant jolt of adrenaline. That was something. Like the characters in this short vignette, I barely had time to catch my breath before all hell broke loose. Exciting!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thank you, Nomi. Nothing like a good fight on a small plane.
Comment from Marjon van Bruggen
Oh my! There is a lot going on here. Spies and fighting, Violence and a lot of technical know-how, speed, intrigue and all that in a small aircraft. To me it seems Mother plays a very important role here...I'll read the next chapter!
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Oh my! There is a lot going on here. Spies and fighting, Violence and a lot of technical know-how, speed, intrigue and all that in a small aircraft. To me it seems Mother plays a very important role here...I'll read the next chapter!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thanks, Marjon
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wellcome
Comment from robyn corum
Bill,
I know you don't like me, but I'm gonna try it again. *smile* Please keep in mind, that I truly do not try to hurt anyone's feelings. My goal is always simply to share the stuff I see. I want to tell you everything I see - how can we 'fix' anything that might be a problem if we don't know what there is to potentially 'fix'?
I'm only one reader. But I know that a great percentage of readers here will just grab and go. That's not what I want with my work and I hope that's not what you want with yours. Remember, you are welcome - and encouraged -- to toss everything I say that you disagree with. MY job, as I see it, is to bring a magnifying glass to your work and highlight any issues there might be -- ONLY so you can investigate it for yourself.
Only you know what you are trying to do with your work. I will never interfere with that. Once I've reviewed and offered my two cents, you can holler back and if I've lowered the rating, I will happily return and re-rate. I'll ask you to do the same when you stop by to take a look at my work.
With that said, here are some notes:
This sounds like an 'intriguing' story in the sense of spies and world peace and 'intrigue'. Not knowing who you can trust and never being able to fully relax and sleep at night because the fate of your family, your country, perhaps the world could rest with your actions or the actions of people around you. That's a plot with deeeeep roots. You're a brave soul to attempt such a thing!
The thing is, in a story like this, you can never tell about any of the players. The 'good' guys and the 'bad' guys all seems very similar - there's a really thin line telling them apart. Scary!
I thought this was well written, though a little shallow - not the characters or anything... just that you could have gone more into the scenes. Give us more 'color'. The surroundings - remember to write using ALL the senses - sight, smell, touch, taste (when poss) and hearing. The more of these you can use, the more you'll immerse your reader into the scene WITH the characters. Take your time and don't rush through anything. I understood most of the fight scene - but you didn't show the REACTIONS to those punches and thrusts. I mean, we know what happens when a man gets a hit in the privates... you might show that. He sustained a broken rib AND that injury, among others, and never even slowed down -- hmmm... a little loss of reality there. Help the reader to believe more. SHOW the pain, frustration when the opponent does fall like desired. See?
Other notes:
1.) Sam stared at the butter knife she had (sitting) in front of her.
--> 'she had' is not needed
2.) He ultimately was able to grab her (throat near her) carotid artery and cause her to fall backward.
--> rather than 'cause her to fall backwards', can you say 'pushed her backwards'?
3.) Now able to seize the controls, he pulled the plane up to horizontal (and) flipped on the autopilot.
--> he pulled up/back on the stick to raise the nose of the plane and then rengaged the autopilot.
4.) She (I love her name, btw) looked at the caller ID and pressed the name. Lifting the phone to her face she said, "Hello, Mother."
--> suggest either:
--> She looked at the caller ID then pressed speaker. Lifting the phone to her face she said, "Hello, Mother."
--or--
--> She looked at the caller ID then pressed the name. Lifting the phone to her ear she said, "Hello, Mother."
5.) I am very curious as to why you posted this piece as poetry rather than prose. (It doesn't seem to be poetry.) And IF I'm counting correctly, you would have had to use a 9.95 certificate and then I think I counted 14 member pumps to getit to 90 cents - is that right? (rounding up = 14x$3 [MPumps] = $42)
If you had posted it as prose, the same 9.95 cert would have started you out at 52 cents. Just nine MPs(pumps) would have reached 90 cents. You could have left it there OR used four of those other five to get you into the 'Featured' section at 96 cents. Of course, every pump after that would take you higher. (I know, duh.)
You probably have a perfect reason for categorizing it as poetry and I'm just missing it. (I'm good at that.) *smile* You COULD even go back now and change it and it will probably go into the featured stuff at this point, since you just posted it today. (Not sure, but I would think so.)
I really hope this won't be the last time I see you. Hope you won't mute me after this. I enjoy your work. Please have a great day!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
 |
Bill,
I know you don't like me, but I'm gonna try it again. *smile* Please keep in mind, that I truly do not try to hurt anyone's feelings. My goal is always simply to share the stuff I see. I want to tell you everything I see - how can we 'fix' anything that might be a problem if we don't know what there is to potentially 'fix'?
I'm only one reader. But I know that a great percentage of readers here will just grab and go. That's not what I want with my work and I hope that's not what you want with yours. Remember, you are welcome - and encouraged -- to toss everything I say that you disagree with. MY job, as I see it, is to bring a magnifying glass to your work and highlight any issues there might be -- ONLY so you can investigate it for yourself.
Only you know what you are trying to do with your work. I will never interfere with that. Once I've reviewed and offered my two cents, you can holler back and if I've lowered the rating, I will happily return and re-rate. I'll ask you to do the same when you stop by to take a look at my work.
With that said, here are some notes:
This sounds like an 'intriguing' story in the sense of spies and world peace and 'intrigue'. Not knowing who you can trust and never being able to fully relax and sleep at night because the fate of your family, your country, perhaps the world could rest with your actions or the actions of people around you. That's a plot with deeeeep roots. You're a brave soul to attempt such a thing!
The thing is, in a story like this, you can never tell about any of the players. The 'good' guys and the 'bad' guys all seems very similar - there's a really thin line telling them apart. Scary!
I thought this was well written, though a little shallow - not the characters or anything... just that you could have gone more into the scenes. Give us more 'color'. The surroundings - remember to write using ALL the senses - sight, smell, touch, taste (when poss) and hearing. The more of these you can use, the more you'll immerse your reader into the scene WITH the characters. Take your time and don't rush through anything. I understood most of the fight scene - but you didn't show the REACTIONS to those punches and thrusts. I mean, we know what happens when a man gets a hit in the privates... you might show that. He sustained a broken rib AND that injury, among others, and never even slowed down -- hmmm... a little loss of reality there. Help the reader to believe more. SHOW the pain, frustration when the opponent does fall like desired. See?
Other notes:
1.) Sam stared at the butter knife she had (sitting) in front of her.
--> 'she had' is not needed
2.) He ultimately was able to grab her (throat near her) carotid artery and cause her to fall backward.
--> rather than 'cause her to fall backwards', can you say 'pushed her backwards'?
3.) Now able to seize the controls, he pulled the plane up to horizontal (and) flipped on the autopilot.
--> he pulled up/back on the stick to raise the nose of the plane and then rengaged the autopilot.
4.) She (I love her name, btw) looked at the caller ID and pressed the name. Lifting the phone to her face she said, "Hello, Mother."
--> suggest either:
--> She looked at the caller ID then pressed speaker. Lifting the phone to her face she said, "Hello, Mother."
--or--
--> She looked at the caller ID then pressed the name. Lifting the phone to her ear she said, "Hello, Mother."
5.) I am very curious as to why you posted this piece as poetry rather than prose. (It doesn't seem to be poetry.) And IF I'm counting correctly, you would have had to use a 9.95 certificate and then I think I counted 14 member pumps to getit to 90 cents - is that right? (rounding up = 14x$3 [MPumps] = $42)
If you had posted it as prose, the same 9.95 cert would have started you out at 52 cents. Just nine MPs(pumps) would have reached 90 cents. You could have left it there OR used four of those other five to get you into the 'Featured' section at 96 cents. Of course, every pump after that would take you higher. (I know, duh.)
You probably have a perfect reason for categorizing it as poetry and I'm just missing it. (I'm good at that.) *smile* You COULD even go back now and change it and it will probably go into the featured stuff at this point, since you just posted it today. (Not sure, but I would think so.)
I really hope this won't be the last time I see you. Hope you won't mute me after this. I enjoy your work. Please have a great day!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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I don?t have a clue as to why you would think I didn?t like you or any critique you might have concerning my submissions. You are long in the tooth here at Fanstory and I know you are an excellent contributor and reviewer.
I don?t disagree with any of your sensory detail observations. I am often told that I am sparse in this regard. I accept that this aspect can be improved. I am at this point trying to get the story out of me so folks can do what you?re doing.
Most of your suggestions look like subjective input rather than right versus wrong. I will, of course, take your comments into consideration. I absolutely appreciate that you?ve spent this much time looking this over.
I simply extended my current novel to a next chapter and never assigned a genre. Every chapter before this one is described as fiction. I have no idea why it says poetry, as the editing section indicates general fiction.
Sorry if you get flack over your reviews. I don?t recall ever snapping at you, or anyone, for a critique.
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I don?t have a clue as to why you would think I didn?t like you or any critique you might have concerning my submissions. You are long in the tooth here at Fanstory and I know you are an excellent contributor and reviewer.
I don?t disagree with any of your sensory detail observations. I am often told that I am sparse in this regard. I accept that this aspect can be improved. I am at this point trying to get the story out of me so folks can do what you?re doing.
Most of your suggestions look like subjective input rather than right versus wrong. I will, of course, take your comments into consideration. I absolutely appreciate that you?ve spent this much time looking this over.
I simply extended my current novel to a next chapter and never assigned a genre. Every chapter before this one is described as fiction. I have no idea why it says poetry, as the editing section indicates general fiction.
Sorry if you get flack over your reviews. I don?t recall ever snapping at you, or anyone, for a critique.
-
Hmmm... I could be wrong, but I thought you had just asked me to stop reviewing you. Only about a week or two ago.
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I appreciate so much your kind reply. It helps my heart a lot. I do tend to get a few negative responses at times, but a lot of folks understand my goals, so it's okay.
I think you're right, too, maybe. It may seem like some of this is subjective. I'm good with whatever you like. It's your story and I want you to be happy. Thank you so much!
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I guess I?d have to see that one. You would have to have been pretty tiresome for me to respond that way. That?s not likely; right?
Comment from Michael Ludwinder
This is a well written and enjoyable chapter. I like the premise for your story. You do a good job developing it in this chapter. Excellent use of dialogue. Well done!
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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This is a well written and enjoyable chapter. I like the premise for your story. You do a good job developing it in this chapter. Excellent use of dialogue. Well done!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thanks, Michael
Comment from Alcreator Litt Dear
This back story is straightforwardly expressed, nature and glimpses of characters are evident to note; a family relation is naturally explored and worded; primary job of information is well said.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
|
This back story is straightforwardly expressed, nature and glimpses of characters are evident to note; a family relation is naturally explored and worded; primary job of information is well said.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2020
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2020
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Thanks, ALD
