Wilderness Redemption Road
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Hit the Road Jack"Shenanigans on the frontier
17 total reviews
Comment from Bill Schott
Lots of action, new characters, and a another story on its way at the end. Looks like there.s romance (or something like it) brewing for Janie.
Your speaker tags are a bit distracting. They thin out as you get through to the bottom, then pick up. I feel when you've just two speakers in a scene, the identity can be assigned at the beginning of the exchange and then dropped, or indicated in the dialogue.
EXAMPLE:
"We're here," she whispered.
"Thunderation! That was close, thankee again Janie for saving my life." (We know this is Doolittle)
"Let's go back to the boat, maybe my pa needs help." (Because 'pa' is in the line, no need for speaker ID)
"Yore pa's beyond needing help gal." (Gotta be Doo)
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Lots of action, new characters, and a another story on its way at the end. Looks like there.s romance (or something like it) brewing for Janie.
Your speaker tags are a bit distracting. They thin out as you get through to the bottom, then pick up. I feel when you've just two speakers in a scene, the identity can be assigned at the beginning of the exchange and then dropped, or indicated in the dialogue.
EXAMPLE:
"We're here," she whispered.
"Thunderation! That was close, thankee again Janie for saving my life." (We know this is Doolittle)
"Let's go back to the boat, maybe my pa needs help." (Because 'pa' is in the line, no need for speaker ID)
"Yore pa's beyond needing help gal." (Gotta be Doo)
Comment Written 23-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 23-Nov-2018
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Thats a very good tip about the speaker tags, thanks I appreciate it and you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from kahpot
Wow! what a read, a very interesting story, I don't usually read stories that I have not started from the beginning, but I love westerns, I liked the notes about the characters all goo swimmers except one, I enjoyed this immensely, very well written****kahpot
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Wow! what a read, a very interesting story, I don't usually read stories that I have not started from the beginning, but I love westerns, I liked the notes about the characters all goo swimmers except one, I enjoyed this immensely, very well written****kahpot
Comment Written 21-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you very much. I hope you went back and checked it out from the beginning. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from sunnilicious
Good novel installment. It was simple to read and follow along. Good dialogue with unfolding story. Good reference noted in the author notes. Well thought out and clearly written. Nice work.
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Good novel installment. It was simple to read and follow along. Good dialogue with unfolding story. Good reference noted in the author notes. Well thought out and clearly written. Nice work.
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 21-Nov-2018
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Thank you. I hope you checked out the rest. The first chapter was a lot of fun to write. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Ulla
Hi there, I like your style of writing and you've really managesd to pull me in. It also gives me a great feel of the time in which the stry is set. I'm looking forward to what's next. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Hi there, I like your style of writing and you've really managesd to pull me in. It also gives me a great feel of the time in which the stry is set. I'm looking forward to what's next. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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Thank you, i'm glad I'm able to pull you in. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Sally Law
This is a good installment and the story is rich with the language and banter of this time and place. I really enjoy your writing style. You have four typos, easy fixes though.
Paragraph 1- you missed two periods at the end of sentences. The first ends with, Doos bulk to safety. The second, I"d rather they make a porcupine out of me than arrears, Doo said.
Next is, you swingfirst should be swing first. Space needed there.
Lastly, Wallll is not a word. Maybe you meant something else or forgot to punctuate this.
I hope this helps. I want you to get high scores.
Sally
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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This is a good installment and the story is rich with the language and banter of this time and place. I really enjoy your writing style. You have four typos, easy fixes though.
Paragraph 1- you missed two periods at the end of sentences. The first ends with, Doos bulk to safety. The second, I"d rather they make a porcupine out of me than arrears, Doo said.
Next is, you swingfirst should be swing first. Space needed there.
Lastly, Wallll is not a word. Maybe you meant something else or forgot to punctuate this.
I hope this helps. I want you to get high scores.
Sally
Comment Written 20-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 20-Nov-2018
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I fixed the periods and spacing. Walll is welll in frontier vernacular, but i take your point where it may not be acceptable. I appreciate the advice and if i had a reviewer nomination left I would give it to you. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
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You?re always welcome!
Comment from heart of Lou
Great writing. Janie is a courageous gal for sure and Doo is a great protector. I can see you're making it harder and harder for your protagonists to get what they want, which is a very good thing to do to build suspense. Everything is gone, even her shoes. We'll see how that goes.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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Great writing. Janie is a courageous gal for sure and Doo is a great protector. I can see you're making it harder and harder for your protagonists to get what they want, which is a very good thing to do to build suspense. Everything is gone, even her shoes. We'll see how that goes.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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Thank you. Wait'll you see what comes next. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from DonandVicki
I have been reading all along and you have certainly kept me entertained. Well written and you keep the reader wanting more.You always pull me into the story quickly.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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I have been reading all along and you have certainly kept me entertained. Well written and you keep the reader wanting more.You always pull me into the story quickly.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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Thank you, that's my goal, to draw you in and keep you entertained. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Paws4FX
Excellent dialogue, good flow to the story and quite humorous. I enjoyed this, may have to read more.
'The pair moved about 50 feet upstream hugging the bank to take advantage of the shelter it provides(ed) as well as concealing them in the shadows.' - changed tense here, I would use provided instead.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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Excellent dialogue, good flow to the story and quite humorous. I enjoyed this, may have to read more.
'The pair moved about 50 feet upstream hugging the bank to take advantage of the shelter it provides(ed) as well as concealing them in the shadows.' - changed tense here, I would use provided instead.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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Thanks for the pointer, i will implement it. Please do read more. I appreciate you reading and reviewing my work.
Comment from country ranch writer
Nice work up for your story AND A FEAST OF MEAT IS TO BE HAD FOR SUPPER AND STORIES WILL BE TOLD AGAIN AROUND THE FIRE TONIGHT.
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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Nice work up for your story AND A FEAST OF MEAT IS TO BE HAD FOR SUPPER AND STORIES WILL BE TOLD AGAIN AROUND THE FIRE TONIGHT.
Comment Written 19-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2018
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Thank you very much. I appreciate you taking the time to read and review my work.
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Earl. I've been waiting for a new story from you. been a while for a chapter in your book.
Unfortunately, there are many things you should do in order to make this a piece to be proud of.
Using a dialect like "Yer" and so forth is not a good idea in most cases because it is too difficult to keep up with and do correctly. (and you need not do it, we get that they are backwoods people without the dialect)
And aall thoughs of a person's should be in italics unless you want to add on "he thought or she thought to the sentences.
I'm afraid your spacing is way off in this too, Earl. Like her efor example:
"Hot tears streamed down Janie's cheeks once she realized Doo was telling her Pa's dead. Her ma had died in child birth, so pa was all she had in the world as far as kinfolk went.
She vowed she wouldn't break down in front of Doo. Janie was grateful it was dark so he couldn't see the tears."
(Spacing after "....as kinfolk went." New para starts with "she vowed....etc"
More Suggestions: "storytelling is hard work and I've built up a mighty powerful thirst."
"Yes'm, "the boy said. (Always leave a space between where one person's dialogue ends and another one begins like this for example. (a space after "powerful thirst"
And "said the boy" sounds a lot better for some reason than "the boy said." (It does make a difference, Earl.)
In fact you need to learn spacing, I see. Like here for instance:
"beside her chair.
When Caleb returned with a cool glass of well water, Roseanna took a sip, and smacked.
(In this , you should have made a space after the first action ended. In other words after she set the jug down beside her chair. Then a space then go on with "When Caleb etc etc."
And: ""Doo, what are you doing? The Indians will hear you," Janie said. (No need for a speech taf here. See that? Try this instead:
""Doo, what are you doing? The Indians will hear you."
I am truly sorry for this rating, my friend. I thought you had these basics down already. ?? Spacing , etc. I could giv eyou five stars but what good would that be to you as a writer? I suggest you disable this, work on it and then reinstate it after it is revised. as always, I would like to look again before you post again. Bless you, Bob
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2018
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Hi, Earl. I've been waiting for a new story from you. been a while for a chapter in your book.
Unfortunately, there are many things you should do in order to make this a piece to be proud of.
Using a dialect like "Yer" and so forth is not a good idea in most cases because it is too difficult to keep up with and do correctly. (and you need not do it, we get that they are backwoods people without the dialect)
And aall thoughs of a person's should be in italics unless you want to add on "he thought or she thought to the sentences.
I'm afraid your spacing is way off in this too, Earl. Like her efor example:
"Hot tears streamed down Janie's cheeks once she realized Doo was telling her Pa's dead. Her ma had died in child birth, so pa was all she had in the world as far as kinfolk went.
She vowed she wouldn't break down in front of Doo. Janie was grateful it was dark so he couldn't see the tears."
(Spacing after "....as kinfolk went." New para starts with "she vowed....etc"
More Suggestions: "storytelling is hard work and I've built up a mighty powerful thirst."
"Yes'm, "the boy said. (Always leave a space between where one person's dialogue ends and another one begins like this for example. (a space after "powerful thirst"
And "said the boy" sounds a lot better for some reason than "the boy said." (It does make a difference, Earl.)
In fact you need to learn spacing, I see. Like here for instance:
"beside her chair.
When Caleb returned with a cool glass of well water, Roseanna took a sip, and smacked.
(In this , you should have made a space after the first action ended. In other words after she set the jug down beside her chair. Then a space then go on with "When Caleb etc etc."
And: ""Doo, what are you doing? The Indians will hear you," Janie said. (No need for a speech taf here. See that? Try this instead:
""Doo, what are you doing? The Indians will hear you."
I am truly sorry for this rating, my friend. I thought you had these basics down already. ?? Spacing , etc. I could giv eyou five stars but what good would that be to you as a writer? I suggest you disable this, work on it and then reinstate it after it is revised. as always, I would like to look again before you post again. Bless you, Bob
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2018
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2018
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I'm sorry this one was so disappointing Bob. I do appreciate the pointers which I went back over and tried to fix everything you pointed out. I agree just giving me five stars and stroking my ego doesn't make me a better writer.
Let me know if you liked any of it or if I didn'fix everything.