Derailed
My life had derailed.74 total reviews
Comment from Sanku
A well told tale of a train derailment
the lines flow easily and the story comes about with the pathos intact. A child's memory sticks to his psyche and can often be a foundation for future behavioural patterns.
It leaves a question unanswered the possibility that the father might have lost his life that night.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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A well told tale of a train derailment
the lines flow easily and the story comes about with the pathos intact. A child's memory sticks to his psyche and can often be a foundation for future behavioural patterns.
It leaves a question unanswered the possibility that the father might have lost his life that night.
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Oh, thank you, Sanku, for your glowing review. One technique I use in poems is to not attempt to wrap everything up with a neat bow of explanations. Embrace the unanswerable and unknowable. As a kid during an evacuation, I did not know where my father was. For the record I now know my father a potter was now living outside our house in a studio across the Valley and that my parents were months away from divorcing. Thanks again.
Comment from fivecardstud1247
very nicely done, as kids we lived longside some tracks also i also know about getting woke up in middle night and told to run. you doremember it for a long time. God bless
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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very nicely done, as kids we lived longside some tracks also i also know about getting woke up in middle night and told to run. you doremember it for a long time. God bless
Comment Written 12-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Yes, fivecardstud1247, it is terrifying to have to flee a derailment in the middle of the night. When it is a chemical train derailment, the terror rises to new levels. Thank you for your review and for sharing your memory.
Comment from barkingdog
I see we had sabotage even in the sixties. Did they ever find out who did it?
Your memory, based on sensory remembrances is very tangible.
I find we often forget people, but the sounds(wails) and smells (the fumes) never leave.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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I see we had sabotage even in the sixties. Did they ever find out who did it?
Your memory, based on sensory remembrances is very tangible.
I find we often forget people, but the sounds(wails) and smells (the fumes) never leave.
Good luck in the contest.
:) e
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Thank you, barkingdog, for your review of my tangible poem. No, they never found the culprits, and you would not believe how many stories I found about saboteurs along that section of track in the sixties and seventies. originally, I was going to write an essay about them all, but instead I wrote a poem about the derailment that impacted me. Thanks again for your review and contest well wishes.
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Maybe, it was the same person/group repeating the act over and over.
:) e
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No and yes. Some people were serial derailers. They attempted it over and over again. When one was caught another tried the same thing. It was impossible to police every mile of track.
Comment from RGstar
Hello my friend. Let me say, this would work very well with oration. The last stanza is great....I would like to have seen more or that throughout the poem to give that poetic aura.
A lot of authors , sometimes write an account instead of a poretic work. Free verse must also be poetic, with either gentle or harsh curves, words that dance in and out of each other. Line breaks.
How your last stanza danced, loved it.
"That morrning, between King's assassination and Bobby's"
You see, even though, with hindsight, we know that the assassinations could not have taken place that same day, more so that morning...if you read your opening again, you will see it alludes to just that. Even though many might not see it, as you know me, with such an impactful write, I want it to have the success it deserved, and rather than pretend, I am with you in spirit with this. A little word change here I there would add to it.
Had it not been the two famous events, many might have thought the incidents happen the same day, between hours.
I like the expression here as well the will deliver in your customary style, and I must say, as the poem sailed towards its end, poetic aura built, ending with that great last verse.
I could see you in oration with this, so is it written, but remember, even with true events, use devices, even in free verse, as you would do with rhymes or tit may become an account of something, and though dramatic or heartbreaking, the aura and contour of the language is all important, even more so than the facts.
As usual, I love your work, and the human you are. This is a six star write with a little adjustment. Have a read of the section mentioned ... and go
for the killing...This is a good one.
My best wishes, Andre.
By the way, thanks for that fantastic review of mine, worth review stars a bundle, in which mine will be given.t
Good to see you still here and good to read from you.
My best wishes.
RG
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Hello my friend. Let me say, this would work very well with oration. The last stanza is great....I would like to have seen more or that throughout the poem to give that poetic aura.
A lot of authors , sometimes write an account instead of a poretic work. Free verse must also be poetic, with either gentle or harsh curves, words that dance in and out of each other. Line breaks.
How your last stanza danced, loved it.
"That morrning, between King's assassination and Bobby's"
You see, even though, with hindsight, we know that the assassinations could not have taken place that same day, more so that morning...if you read your opening again, you will see it alludes to just that. Even though many might not see it, as you know me, with such an impactful write, I want it to have the success it deserved, and rather than pretend, I am with you in spirit with this. A little word change here I there would add to it.
Had it not been the two famous events, many might have thought the incidents happen the same day, between hours.
I like the expression here as well the will deliver in your customary style, and I must say, as the poem sailed towards its end, poetic aura built, ending with that great last verse.
I could see you in oration with this, so is it written, but remember, even with true events, use devices, even in free verse, as you would do with rhymes or tit may become an account of something, and though dramatic or heartbreaking, the aura and contour of the language is all important, even more so than the facts.
As usual, I love your work, and the human you are. This is a six star write with a little adjustment. Have a read of the section mentioned ... and go
for the killing...This is a good one.
My best wishes, Andre.
By the way, thanks for that fantastic review of mine, worth review stars a bundle, in which mine will be given.t
Good to see you still here and good to read from you.
My best wishes.
RG
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Oh, thank you, RG, for your thorough and detailed review, especially for noting the oratory quality of my poem. I wrote it by ear. After completing a draft, I recorded it on my iPhone and walked two and a half miles to listen to my recording twenty-four times to revise to make it sound the way I want it to sound. I am still tweaking it by ear and look forward to performing this in public.
Thanks also for your suggestions. A common critique from reviewers is that I write prose masquerading as poetry that seldom uses common poetic devices. I agree. I don't want to use poetic devices except in moderation and in key places such as the final stanza. My poem would not have worked if I wrote the whole poem like the final stanza. I opened with a dry, just-the-facts reporting style influenced by the newspaper articles I studied on this train derailment. This barren landscape helps contrast and set up the soaring language in the end.
As for the opening line "That morning, between King's assassination and Bobby's," I use it to date my poem to a particular moment in time. King was assassinated on April 4, 1968 while Bobby Kennedy was assassinated two months later on June 5, 1968. It just so happens that my fourth birthday fell in the middle of this tumultuous period on May 3 and that the derailment and evacuation happened the next day on May 4. I get what you are saying about the events not happening on the same day, but I am placing myself in a specific moment in time. Writing "On the morning of May 4, 1968, four boys derailed a train a mile from my home" sounds boring and unpoetic. Mentioning the assassinations of King and Kennedy sets the mood for my poem about the various derailments the country and myself experienced.
Nevertheless, your advice is sound and I will consider it as the poem dictates.
Thank you for giving my poem its most detailed, instructive review.
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I completely understand where you are coming from.
Yet!
There is some kind of myth by some authors that free verse can be written the same as prose. There is a difference, though to many difficult to define.
Free Verse does not mean an account or essay or story written in what I call, an informative, even, formal style. Line breaks is a great feature of Free verse where the way your lines are displayed mirrors the syntax. The end of the lines usually finding the natural pauses. Having said that, line breaks in unexpected places is also a feature.... It is almost as if two parties, one on each side...
Blank Verse on one and prose on the other, merging, whereas even Prose poetry is governed by strong diction , opposed to prose itself which could be seen as everyday speech, long sentences in paragraph rather than blocks and shorter lines. It is important that authors know in writing an account or happenin, in prose, does NOT account for a poem in free verse, and that is a mistake seen often. Not in your case Andre.
A writer has to make mind up if to wrte in Free Verse or prose, even if the line is a thin one, there is definitely a line, and when one finds the difference in the two, it will be easier to accommodate BlankVerse with its iambic pentameter.
VERSE is the key word, and free verse, though have the word free in front of it, is far from, it o nly alludes to not having that strict rhyme scheme that rhymed poetry entertains, even though it also can have rhymes.
So if there is criticism that your writing may seem something disguised acs poetry, if it is free verse, you are writing, then all is as should, and perhaps it is they themselves that need to look at the difference between prose and free verse can infact have rhymes, that is why it is called free verse, it is free, yet, only in so far as having that slight variation thank rhymed poetry, the devices are still the same.
Line breaks, allegory, alliteration, repetition, cadence etc. All still features of free verse.
Sorry about the mistakes in Gramma on the first review. I am away and using a Samsung tablet that seem to want to change my sentences and words to its own in correction.
You did a fine job here Andre. I will be writing a short paragraph on my front profile page concerning the difference between the two , because I honestly believe some authors do not think there is any difference between the two and often just write an account and believe it a free verse poem.
My best wishes.
RG
Comment from A. Willow Bends
Excellent job. You have relayed a piece of history through your four year old memories. This is stellar. I only wish I had the ability to award more stars. This teaches and reaches out to us emotionally. Fantastic job, my friend. Good Luck. If it were up to me, I would choose this as a winner.
Wendy
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Excellent job. You have relayed a piece of history through your four year old memories. This is stellar. I only wish I had the ability to award more stars. This teaches and reaches out to us emotionally. Fantastic job, my friend. Good Luck. If it were up to me, I would choose this as a winner.
Wendy
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Thank you, Wendy, for your generous, stellar, six star review. I'm amazed at how quickly my poem came together when I decided to wrote a poem about my place in history instead of an essay about the history of derailments along the tracks near my home. Thanks for wishing me good luck, too.
Comment from Gloria ....
What terrific artwork and the black and white is a perfect choice.
Very nicely written, Sis. All the specific references make it easier to imagine oneself in the picture, although in a totally different place. Then linking to a life derailing is a perfect metaphorical link.
Much enjoyed this fine poem .:)
Gloria
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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What terrific artwork and the black and white is a perfect choice.
Very nicely written, Sis. All the specific references make it easier to imagine oneself in the picture, although in a totally different place. Then linking to a life derailing is a perfect metaphorical link.
Much enjoyed this fine poem .:)
Gloria
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Yes, Gloria, when I tracked down when this derailment happened, I discovered that it occurred between the assassinations of King and Bobby Kennedy in 1968 as the same time my parents' marriage was about to end. So I used derailment to speak about all of these types of derailments. The picture is of a derailment that happened five years earlier on the same section of track by the same means of sabotage. Thank you for your review.
Comment from Neonewman
masterfully crafted piece you have delivered Siscat.
I particularly found this line fascinating and comprehensive.
"My life barreled down the wrong tracks
before I knew tracks existed."
God bless
Steve
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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masterfully crafted piece you have delivered Siscat.
I particularly found this line fascinating and comprehensive.
"My life barreled down the wrong tracks
before I knew tracks existed."
God bless
Steve
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Thank you, Steve, for your review, for pointing out the particular line that fascinated you, and for your blessing.
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my pleasure
Comment from heart of Lou
This is really good, and the terror can be felt. You wrote it from the point of view of a child, which is a great idea, because most children would be doubly terrified of such a crash and having to escape through the night.
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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This is really good, and the terror can be felt. You wrote it from the point of view of a child, which is a great idea, because most children would be doubly terrified of such a crash and having to escape through the night.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Yes, Heart of Lou, fleeing a chemical train derailment in the middle of the night is a memory I will never forget. So I told the poem from the point of view of the child I was. Thank you for your generous, six star review.
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Such a harrowing experience and yet so very well-penned for the reader... and the emotion that pours from your words as the prose flows from the large nation to the small heart and world of a little child is just magnificently defined ... having been around trains a lot, the wailing has a special meaning and your use of it in different yet united connotations creates the sound that really shall never cease for that little child...
Thank you for sharing both the child and the talented adult that he became! :) ;) Yvette :)
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Such a harrowing experience and yet so very well-penned for the reader... and the emotion that pours from your words as the prose flows from the large nation to the small heart and world of a little child is just magnificently defined ... having been around trains a lot, the wailing has a special meaning and your use of it in different yet united connotations creates the sound that really shall never cease for that little child...
Thank you for sharing both the child and the talented adult that he became! :) ;) Yvette :)
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Oh, thank you, Yvette, for your kind, enthusiastic review. Yes, it was a harrowing experience, and I am glad I am able tyo write eloquently about it a half century later. Thanks again.
Comment from Rickie1
WOW That's quite a vivid memory. Very dramatic and griping. I read it several times. It is amazing how much you can remember when you've had a significant life event
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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WOW That's quite a vivid memory. Very dramatic and griping. I read it several times. It is amazing how much you can remember when you've had a significant life event
Comment Written 11-Sep-2018
reply by the author on 12-Sep-2018
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Yes, Rickie1, it's amazing how much one can remember when you put your mind to it. I used fragments and impressions while my wail dominated it all. Thank you for your review.
