Filling the Void
It makes you feel good...for a while5 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Congrats on winning the contest with this clever, whimsical and well penned entry. Very fine use of the personification device. Fun rhymes. Fine rhythmic groove and flow.
Especially enjoyed these rhymes and this section:
You keep on eating faster,
just trying to fill the void.
It doesn't seem to be working...
another pie you have destroyed!
It's two o' clock in the morning,
the refrigerator hums.
That chocolate cake I have been saving,
knows that I will come.
By way of critique, I do recommend considering adding a few line breaks for 'pause' effect and to highlight certain phrases. Also, I recommend making this one sentence:
"How disgusting!" they all agree.(,)
N(n)ot realizing you are trying to fill a hole,
where something used to be.
Example edit with line breaks added (so you can compare):
Gluttony is tricky,
it makes you feel so nice.
As the food slides down your stomach,
there's no need to think twice.
People look and judge you...
"How disgusting!" they all agree,
not realizing you are trying to fill a hole,
where something used to be.
You keep on eating faster,
just trying to fill the void.
It doesn't seem to be working...
another pie you have destroyed!
It's two o' clock in the morning,
the refrigerator hums.
That chocolate cake I have been saving,
knows that I will come.
As I sit down at the table (my chocolate cake and me)
I'm also joined by my enemy,
whose name is Gluttony.
Tomorrow is a new day,
to wash away my sins.
I pray each day that something changes
and moderation wins.
May moderation win!
Most people don't realize that eating disorders are not controllable easily...they stem from brain chemistry as well as emotional depths hard to fathom. Often, overeaters are also over-empathic people (like myself), who feel the pain of others as thier own...and simply feel too much.
Congrats again on winning the contest.
Warm Welcome to Fanstory!
Big smiles,
rd
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Congrats on winning the contest with this clever, whimsical and well penned entry. Very fine use of the personification device. Fun rhymes. Fine rhythmic groove and flow.
Especially enjoyed these rhymes and this section:
You keep on eating faster,
just trying to fill the void.
It doesn't seem to be working...
another pie you have destroyed!
It's two o' clock in the morning,
the refrigerator hums.
That chocolate cake I have been saving,
knows that I will come.
By way of critique, I do recommend considering adding a few line breaks for 'pause' effect and to highlight certain phrases. Also, I recommend making this one sentence:
"How disgusting!" they all agree.(,)
N(n)ot realizing you are trying to fill a hole,
where something used to be.
Example edit with line breaks added (so you can compare):
Gluttony is tricky,
it makes you feel so nice.
As the food slides down your stomach,
there's no need to think twice.
People look and judge you...
"How disgusting!" they all agree,
not realizing you are trying to fill a hole,
where something used to be.
You keep on eating faster,
just trying to fill the void.
It doesn't seem to be working...
another pie you have destroyed!
It's two o' clock in the morning,
the refrigerator hums.
That chocolate cake I have been saving,
knows that I will come.
As I sit down at the table (my chocolate cake and me)
I'm also joined by my enemy,
whose name is Gluttony.
Tomorrow is a new day,
to wash away my sins.
I pray each day that something changes
and moderation wins.
May moderation win!
Most people don't realize that eating disorders are not controllable easily...they stem from brain chemistry as well as emotional depths hard to fathom. Often, overeaters are also over-empathic people (like myself), who feel the pain of others as thier own...and simply feel too much.
Congrats again on winning the contest.
Warm Welcome to Fanstory!
Big smiles,
rd
Comment Written 06-Aug-2018
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello AprilViolet
I can see from what you wrote about over eating being a sin got the blue ribbon, love where you said-
Tomorrow is a new day,
to wash away my sins.
I pray each day that something changes
and moderation wins.
Gert
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
|
Hello AprilViolet
I can see from what you wrote about over eating being a sin got the blue ribbon, love where you said-
Tomorrow is a new day,
to wash away my sins.
I pray each day that something changes
and moderation wins.
Gert
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Thank you for taking time to read and review, I really appreciate it. Writing this was a lot of fun because it comes from real life. Thanks again.
Comment from Boogienights
I loved this poem. The author is spot on about how overeating is often a result of being emotionally bereft. Well written with great artwork, I think it's a winner. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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I loved this poem. The author is spot on about how overeating is often a result of being emotionally bereft. Well written with great artwork, I think it's a winner. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 15-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Thank you for the nice review! It means so much to me!
Comment from kahpot
The power of food strikes in many ways, to fill us, to supply us, and to tempt us, this is an excellent poem of the temptation that is in all of us, very well written and best wishes for your competition****kahpot
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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The power of food strikes in many ways, to fill us, to supply us, and to tempt us, this is an excellent poem of the temptation that is in all of us, very well written and best wishes for your competition****kahpot
Comment Written 15-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for for your kind review! I appreciate it so much!
Comment from Y. M. Roger
Funny and sad at the same time, making for a very intriguing read. Your chosen rhyme scheme flows quite smoothly as you explore what's really going on inside your character - good job! :) :) Be sure to add an "s" to 'know' for the chocolate cake at just over halfway....
Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Funny and sad at the same time, making for a very intriguing read. Your chosen rhyme scheme flows quite smoothly as you explore what's really going on inside your character - good job! :) :) Be sure to add an "s" to 'know' for the chocolate cake at just over halfway....
Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 14-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Thank you so much for the nice review! I really appreciate it!
