Prelude to Freedom
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Hidden Retribution"Marta Duclos takes desperate measures to escape
7 total reviews
Comment from Alexander Vasa
Hello Pastortee, nice to meet you in this piece of writing. I had to scroll up to see if this was biographical, as it felt so real.
You write very persuasively and with a nice turn of phrase. I also found your technical writing skills very good, spelling, grammar, etc. I noticed no errors and the work was engaging from the beginning. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and leave.
I noticed no errors and have no suggestions for improvement so it is a five-star work in m opinion and thank you for sharing it, Ana.
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Hello Pastortee, nice to meet you in this piece of writing. I had to scroll up to see if this was biographical, as it felt so real.
You write very persuasively and with a nice turn of phrase. I also found your technical writing skills very good, spelling, grammar, etc. I noticed no errors and the work was engaging from the beginning. Sometimes you just have to cut your losses and leave.
I noticed no errors and have no suggestions for improvement so it is a five-star work in m opinion and thank you for sharing it, Ana.
Comment Written 18-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 18-Jul-2018
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Thanks so much!
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Nice opener, setting the scene quickly and introducing a quandary for the reader right off.
You can certainly write, there's no issue with that. very nice way with words. there are, though. some issues with consistency of description and ironing out of logic. I made some notes as I read through -
Be careful with using adverbs, especially close together. they can show a weakness in the verb choice.
she charged through each room hurriedly, - here you don't need the adverb, charged suggests the hurriedly.
Escape was the only thing on her mind as she checked each room not once, but twice - if escape truly was the only thing on her mind, she wouldn't waste time procuring small memories (as indicated previous to this statement) and why would she if it had been a horrid place she needed to escape from. (filled with much pain and misery)
she stopped for a quick second and embraced her one and only seven-year old child, Lexie, - maybe rearrange this slightly to something like - she stopped for a quick second and embraced her one and only child,seven-year old Lexie, - otherwise it could be read as her only 7yr old child meaning she may have others of different ages, due to the punctuation.
through the rain drenched, swampy, mosquito infested pathway= be careful of over-describing in places. One or two strong adjectives are always better than a long list of descriptors.
This tree lined pathway would be their covering if the rain were to suddenly resume in the swamp.- this description doesn't add up with the previous one of - through the rain drenched, swampy, mosquito infested pathway. - if it had become rain-drenched prior surely it would provide no cover this time as well. (if it provided enough cover it wouldn't be rain-drenched)
It is a little repetitive in places.
You see, they met at church. Linwood Duclos - using 'you' can lift the reader out of the story a little and gives the author a voice in the piece as opposed to letting the story tell itself, by directly addressing the reader.
Linwood Duclos, was the Chairman of Deacons - no comma necessary here.
The backstory elements are a little at odds with the idea of only escape being on her mind, as it obviously isn't. (it may be better to say something along the lines that no matter how much she tried to concentrate only on escape, certain memories or thoughts kept intruding)
and warm rushing blue water - need some commas in here.
The ending whilst a breath-taker doesn't fully add up. She could quite easily have returned and gotten the box. if she'd been in isolation there for so long, the chances of someone turning up and finding the body then would have been highly unlikely. It could be explained away by her frame of mind but she's too collected for that based on everything that has gone on before.
hope some of this is helpful
GMG
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Hi there,
Nice opener, setting the scene quickly and introducing a quandary for the reader right off.
You can certainly write, there's no issue with that. very nice way with words. there are, though. some issues with consistency of description and ironing out of logic. I made some notes as I read through -
Be careful with using adverbs, especially close together. they can show a weakness in the verb choice.
she charged through each room hurriedly, - here you don't need the adverb, charged suggests the hurriedly.
Escape was the only thing on her mind as she checked each room not once, but twice - if escape truly was the only thing on her mind, she wouldn't waste time procuring small memories (as indicated previous to this statement) and why would she if it had been a horrid place she needed to escape from. (filled with much pain and misery)
she stopped for a quick second and embraced her one and only seven-year old child, Lexie, - maybe rearrange this slightly to something like - she stopped for a quick second and embraced her one and only child,seven-year old Lexie, - otherwise it could be read as her only 7yr old child meaning she may have others of different ages, due to the punctuation.
through the rain drenched, swampy, mosquito infested pathway= be careful of over-describing in places. One or two strong adjectives are always better than a long list of descriptors.
This tree lined pathway would be their covering if the rain were to suddenly resume in the swamp.- this description doesn't add up with the previous one of - through the rain drenched, swampy, mosquito infested pathway. - if it had become rain-drenched prior surely it would provide no cover this time as well. (if it provided enough cover it wouldn't be rain-drenched)
It is a little repetitive in places.
You see, they met at church. Linwood Duclos - using 'you' can lift the reader out of the story a little and gives the author a voice in the piece as opposed to letting the story tell itself, by directly addressing the reader.
Linwood Duclos, was the Chairman of Deacons - no comma necessary here.
The backstory elements are a little at odds with the idea of only escape being on her mind, as it obviously isn't. (it may be better to say something along the lines that no matter how much she tried to concentrate only on escape, certain memories or thoughts kept intruding)
and warm rushing blue water - need some commas in here.
The ending whilst a breath-taker doesn't fully add up. She could quite easily have returned and gotten the box. if she'd been in isolation there for so long, the chances of someone turning up and finding the body then would have been highly unlikely. It could be explained away by her frame of mind but she's too collected for that based on everything that has gone on before.
hope some of this is helpful
GMG
Comment Written 15-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2018
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Thank you very much. I will go through and consider everything you have pointed out. Again, thanks!
Comment from Lady Jane
Oh how sadly I can relate to Marta's experience, if only to some degree. My husband changed overnight, literally and it was an uphill battle until I finally walked away. Well written prose here with no edits or revisions that I could see. Thanks for sharing. I hope to read more of your work.
Janelle
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Oh how sadly I can relate to Marta's experience, if only to some degree. My husband changed overnight, literally and it was an uphill battle until I finally walked away. Well written prose here with no edits or revisions that I could see. Thanks for sharing. I hope to read more of your work.
Janelle
Comment Written 14-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
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Thank you
Comment from kiwijenny
Oh my...this gave me chills...
Mohogony....mahogany
Wow I wish I'd had a six for this...how can any one be so cruel
God bless
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Oh my...this gave me chills...
Mohogony....mahogany
Wow I wish I'd had a six for this...how can any one be so cruel
God bless
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Thanks so much!
Comment from royowen
Wife beating, child abuse are rife in this sick and sorry world, and even worse things than this are happening. Children are the hope of this world, and the women that nurture them. Destroying that hope seems to be some people's mission in life. Well done, beautifully written, good characters, fitting your story perfectly, great, surprise ending, unexpected. Good job, blessings, Roy
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Wife beating, child abuse are rife in this sick and sorry world, and even worse things than this are happening. Children are the hope of this world, and the women that nurture them. Destroying that hope seems to be some people's mission in life. Well done, beautifully written, good characters, fitting your story perfectly, great, surprise ending, unexpected. Good job, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Thank you!
Comment from robyn corum
PT,
Hello! Welcome to FS! I see that you've, perhaps, been here for a while, but haven't posted before now. I can't see why - it's obvious that you have a great talent and I'm glad you've decided to share it. *smile*
I don't care for your story. *smile* Meaning, I don't care at all for the subject matter at all, but I think you are handling it well, and it looks like this will be an interesting story to follow. I am sure it will tug at many heartstrings and even sound way too familiar to many of the women here, unfortunately.
I do have a couple of suggestions, if I may?
1.) She sat on her favorite pew staring as inconspicuous(ly) as possible,
2.) Also, please be careful not to make your posts toooo long. I've found that pieces around 750-1200 words have the best chances of being well-read. Anything longer, and a lot of people will pass them by. Remember that readers here can read a short poem or a 10-word poetry contest entry and earn the same money as reading a really long post. When you are out to grab money and go, you'll see that will happen far too often. Just a note to tuck in your pocket.
Thanks and much good luck to you!
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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PT,
Hello! Welcome to FS! I see that you've, perhaps, been here for a while, but haven't posted before now. I can't see why - it's obvious that you have a great talent and I'm glad you've decided to share it. *smile*
I don't care for your story. *smile* Meaning, I don't care at all for the subject matter at all, but I think you are handling it well, and it looks like this will be an interesting story to follow. I am sure it will tug at many heartstrings and even sound way too familiar to many of the women here, unfortunately.
I do have a couple of suggestions, if I may?
1.) She sat on her favorite pew staring as inconspicuous(ly) as possible,
2.) Also, please be careful not to make your posts toooo long. I've found that pieces around 750-1200 words have the best chances of being well-read. Anything longer, and a lot of people will pass them by. Remember that readers here can read a short poem or a 10-word poetry contest entry and earn the same money as reading a really long post. When you are out to grab money and go, you'll see that will happen far too often. Just a note to tuck in your pocket.
Thanks and much good luck to you!
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
-
Thanks so much!
Comment from meeshu
extremely well written you are a great storyteller. the story itself is heart-wrenching with a lot of emotion. you tell it with perfect drama, Pastortee.........meeshu
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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extremely well written you are a great storyteller. the story itself is heart-wrenching with a lot of emotion. you tell it with perfect drama, Pastortee.........meeshu
Comment Written 13-Jul-2018
reply by the author on 13-Jul-2018
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Thanks so much!
