I Had My Chance
If given the chance, what would you do with it?18 total reviews
Comment from Dorothy Farrell
Hi Brett, Congratulations on being placed in the contest. Great story, very well told. I enjoyed the read. You got it just right. Keep writing. Regards Dorothy
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
  |
Hi Brett, Congratulations on being placed in the contest. Great story, very well told. I enjoyed the read. You got it just right. Keep writing. Regards Dorothy
Comment Written 08-Jun-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
-
Thanks. Appreciate your comments and the review.
Comment from meeshu
I like the clichés, they fit. I also like the repetitive use of the key words, particularly as the kicker at the end. good luck, Brett........meeshu
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
|
I like the clichés, they fit. I also like the repetitive use of the key words, particularly as the kicker at the end. good luck, Brett........meeshu
Comment Written 31-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
-
Thanks.
Comment from Henry King
This is an excellent entry in the Sentence Starts the Story contest. The dialog is excellent and loaded with irony. Some authors say life is a cliché. I'm not deep in psychology, so I can't say, and, yours fit in as smooth as a glove. The only thing I would even consider changing; you say, he doesn't use $5.00 words, but he downs a bottle of scotch. Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
|
This is an excellent entry in the Sentence Starts the Story contest. The dialog is excellent and loaded with irony. Some authors say life is a cliché. I'm not deep in psychology, so I can't say, and, yours fit in as smooth as a glove. The only thing I would even consider changing; you say, he doesn't use $5.00 words, but he downs a bottle of scotch. Well done.
Comment Written 31-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
-
Appreciate your insights and the review.
Comment from Sharon Haiste
I think this is a good entry for the 'This Sentence Starts the Story' writing prompt.
Your story of a murder's reminiscing is well written and well told.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
|
I think this is a good entry for the 'This Sentence Starts the Story' writing prompt.
Your story of a murder's reminiscing is well written and well told.
Well done and good luck to you with the competition.
Sharon
Comment Written 31-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
-
Appreciate your insights and the review.
Comment from aanneee
I really liked this and appreciated very much the 'tone of an uneducated and very low class womanizing man' and I wish you luck in the contest of This Sentence Starts The Story...Dinah
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
|
I really liked this and appreciated very much the 'tone of an uneducated and very low class womanizing man' and I wish you luck in the contest of This Sentence Starts The Story...Dinah
Comment Written 29-May-2018
reply by the author on 31-May-2018
-
Glad you enjoyed this little tale about a cheater who got his comeuppance. Appreciate the comments and review.
Comment from robyn corum
Brett,
The second entry I have read for this contest. Looks like the voting will be difficult! *smile* Funny how the man could overlook his own wanderings, but not hers. And what if she DID have a good excuse? Oh, well. Too late now.
The only thing that didn't work for me was the limerick. The words 'two-by-four ' describe the type of lumber. That means the plank is roughly 2" by 4" in width and depth. It does not describe the length so your genie could still be ten-foot-long. Make sense?
Thanks and good luck!
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
|
Brett,
The second entry I have read for this contest. Looks like the voting will be difficult! *smile* Funny how the man could overlook his own wanderings, but not hers. And what if she DID have a good excuse? Oh, well. Too late now.
The only thing that didn't work for me was the limerick. The words 'two-by-four ' describe the type of lumber. That means the plank is roughly 2" by 4" in width and depth. It does not describe the length so your genie could still be ten-foot-long. Make sense?
Thanks and good luck!
Comment Written 29-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
-
Appreciate your thoughtful insights.
Comment from Debbie Pope
I have no six stars to award, which is a shame. This is a good story. I even like your limerick. I have never heard that one before. Chronologically, I was surprised that he hung from the gallows. I was thinking it was a modern day story. I know that it happened at the Blue Moon Saloon, but I was thinking Blue Moon beer. And so many bars are called saloons. Anyway, this is in no way a criticism. Just a comment to show you my impressions as reading. Good job.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
|
I have no six stars to award, which is a shame. This is a good story. I even like your limerick. I have never heard that one before. Chronologically, I was surprised that he hung from the gallows. I was thinking it was a modern day story. I know that it happened at the Blue Moon Saloon, but I was thinking Blue Moon beer. And so many bars are called saloons. Anyway, this is in no way a criticism. Just a comment to show you my impressions as reading. Good job.
Comment Written 29-May-2018
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2018
-
Appreciate your insights and the review.
Comment from F. Wehr3
Nice work on this piece, Brett. I think it will make a strong entry for the contest. I made a couple of notes for your consideration.
It was pain I wanted to watch her suffer.-- I know you got a certain jangle to this guy's dialogue, but I stumbled over this one. It was the pain I wanted to watch, make her suffer. It was pain that I wanted to watch, her suffer little by little. I wanted to watch her suffer in pain.-- just suggestions.
And, that amigo, is ancient." --Since your addressing your friend, I'd recommend moving the comma for after to and to after that. And that, amigo, is ancient."
Best of luck in the contest.
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
|
Nice work on this piece, Brett. I think it will make a strong entry for the contest. I made a couple of notes for your consideration.
It was pain I wanted to watch her suffer.-- I know you got a certain jangle to this guy's dialogue, but I stumbled over this one. It was the pain I wanted to watch, make her suffer. It was pain that I wanted to watch, her suffer little by little. I wanted to watch her suffer in pain.-- just suggestions.
And, that amigo, is ancient." --Since your addressing your friend, I'd recommend moving the comma for after to and to after that. And that, amigo, is ancient."
Best of luck in the contest.
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
-
Thanks. Suggestions incorporated. Appreciate you taking the time to read this little story and write a helpful review.
Comment from Rasmine
Hello, Brett, :)
Good luck in the contest. I liked your short story.
You used a couple of cliches here, maybe you could make them original:
I grabbed the bull by the horns and seized the moment that defined our lives.
Good writing:
"There was this genie, who had a ten foot (ten-foot) weenie, and took it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake, and whacked it with a rake. Now, it's a two-by-four," he said.
"Just give me the Corona," I replied, "that joke's as old as you are, John. And, that amigo, is ancient."
Take care,
Nome
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
|
Hello, Brett, :)
Good luck in the contest. I liked your short story.
You used a couple of cliches here, maybe you could make them original:
I grabbed the bull by the horns and seized the moment that defined our lives.
Good writing:
"There was this genie, who had a ten foot (ten-foot) weenie, and took it to the girl next door. She thought it was a snake, and whacked it with a rake. Now, it's a two-by-four," he said.
"Just give me the Corona," I replied, "that joke's as old as you are, John. And, that amigo, is ancient."
Take care,
Nome
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
-
Glad you enjoyed this little story. Appreciate the comments and the review.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Brett,
I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but there are an abundance of clichés throughout this piece. You can get away with it as it's first person narrative but it is something to watch for.
I was married to an angel who never even looked at another man. Or, so I thought. Boy, I can't say the same thing about me. - so, he looked at other men too? I see...hmmm, prison must have been fun.
Fits the criteria well and you worked that required line in several times too.
I noted down those clichés I spotted just for fun, although there may be more-
like a sheep led to slaughter
this cat was cool
Deader than a rusty doornail.
when the well ran dry
Trouble with a capital "T".
drunk as a skunk
the bull by the horns
seized the moment
final dance of death
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
|
Hi Brett,
I'm not sure if it's intentional or not, but there are an abundance of clichés throughout this piece. You can get away with it as it's first person narrative but it is something to watch for.
I was married to an angel who never even looked at another man. Or, so I thought. Boy, I can't say the same thing about me. - so, he looked at other men too? I see...hmmm, prison must have been fun.
Fits the criteria well and you worked that required line in several times too.
I noted down those clichés I spotted just for fun, although there may be more-
like a sheep led to slaughter
this cat was cool
Deader than a rusty doornail.
when the well ran dry
Trouble with a capital "T".
drunk as a skunk
the bull by the horns
seized the moment
final dance of death
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 27-May-2018
reply by the author on 28-May-2018
-
The use of clichés was intentional, because I attempted to portray the narrator as an everyman of the streets. Hopefully, he comes across that way. Been a while since I last heard from you. Appreciate you taking the time to read this little story and write an insightful review.
-
lol, I thought it might be.