Haiku Club Challenges, Book II
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Haiku(Summer sunset's glow)"an anthology of haiku written by fanstory poets
3 total reviews
Comment from Gypsy Blue Rose
Hello, Zanya,
Beautiful haiku for the Haiku Club Challenge book. Thank you for adding it. You did a good job with proper composition and lovely presentation.
Please, change the chapter number to 3. Thank you
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
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Hello, Zanya,
Beautiful haiku for the Haiku Club Challenge book. Thank you for adding it. You did a good job with proper composition and lovely presentation.
Please, change the chapter number to 3. Thank you
Comment Written 09-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
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Done ! Great critique zanya
Comment from Beverly Botelho
This word-picture is absolutely beautiful. Reminds me of days spent on the boardwalk or sand hand-in-hand with a loved one (which I'm sure is the image you meant to convey. This is excellent!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
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This word-picture is absolutely beautiful. Reminds me of days spent on the boardwalk or sand hand-in-hand with a loved one (which I'm sure is the image you meant to convey. This is excellent!
Comment Written 08-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
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Thanks for reading zanya
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You're welcome!
Comment from robyn corum
Z.,
Good to see you again! I always enjoy your offerings whenever I run across them. *smile* I hope you've had the chance to see (and perhaps purchase?) a copy of the Haiku Anthology you are a part of? I also hope you will be pleased with the totality of the book you were part of. *smile*
To this post:
Please remember that true Western haiku do NOT have to stick to the old 5/7/5 format. There are several reasons that this is not necessary - first of all being that the Japanese have a whole different language than Westerners, with different sound units to our 'syllable'. To attempt to match their form entirely too often means offering a very stilted and ungainly poem -- lacking total clarity. (If that makes sense - I don't know if I'm explaining well.) *smile*
In your poem here, I would suggest the following change in the second line. It WILL add an extra syllable to it, but will aid in its clarity. (IMO):
summer sunsets' glow
arouse(s) love's tender moments
carousel of love
If you don't want to change the syllable count, you could also edit it in this way:
summer sunsets' glow
arouse(s) love's (sweet) moments
carousel of love
Also, I don't get the relation of the third line to the first two. It should be an 'aha' moment, if possible - adding to the image of the first two lines-- and possibly deepening the meaning. Here, I feel like they are two/three totally unrelated images: the sunset's sweet glow), a carousel and love. Right off, I don't have a suggestion to offer for this correction, because only you know what your message truly is meant to be.
I hope you will take my comments only in the manner intended and not take offense. Remember that you are welcome to use or toss them as you see fit. *smile* Either way, good luck in your future writings and I look forward to more!
Have a magical day!
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
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Z.,
Good to see you again! I always enjoy your offerings whenever I run across them. *smile* I hope you've had the chance to see (and perhaps purchase?) a copy of the Haiku Anthology you are a part of? I also hope you will be pleased with the totality of the book you were part of. *smile*
To this post:
Please remember that true Western haiku do NOT have to stick to the old 5/7/5 format. There are several reasons that this is not necessary - first of all being that the Japanese have a whole different language than Westerners, with different sound units to our 'syllable'. To attempt to match their form entirely too often means offering a very stilted and ungainly poem -- lacking total clarity. (If that makes sense - I don't know if I'm explaining well.) *smile*
In your poem here, I would suggest the following change in the second line. It WILL add an extra syllable to it, but will aid in its clarity. (IMO):
summer sunsets' glow
arouse(s) love's tender moments
carousel of love
If you don't want to change the syllable count, you could also edit it in this way:
summer sunsets' glow
arouse(s) love's (sweet) moments
carousel of love
Also, I don't get the relation of the third line to the first two. It should be an 'aha' moment, if possible - adding to the image of the first two lines-- and possibly deepening the meaning. Here, I feel like they are two/three totally unrelated images: the sunset's sweet glow), a carousel and love. Right off, I don't have a suggestion to offer for this correction, because only you know what your message truly is meant to be.
I hope you will take my comments only in the manner intended and not take offense. Remember that you are welcome to use or toss them as you see fit. *smile* Either way, good luck in your future writings and I look forward to more!
Have a magical day!
Comment Written 08-Jul-2017
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2017
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HI Robyn,
Thanks for taking time to read & critique-Haiku are an interesting poetic species !can't wait to get a copy of Haiku Anthology and to be a part of it is oooooh so very special ! Hopefully there is a captive audience ! Zanya
