Knock on the door
Sentence12 total reviews
Comment from kathleenspalding
Good for her! Well done scene with well executed dialogue seems like part of a novel? If not, very impressive for such a short time to get it together for the prompt. Has potential!
All I can suggest is overall, check for punctuation and spacing errors (I quit typing them after the last one below) and look for places where you can show (red face, looking down, swallowing hard) instead of tell (he felt).
...was deflecting or distracting?
is there an extra space between tenancies and the comma?
Do men curtsie? I thought it was a lady thing.
...mistaken(delete space).
...lovingly into hers.(add a line space)
Delete spaces in front of commas and periods.
Delete commas or periods in front of or behind question marks.
All punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.
capitalize... Mama continued
Sir William rose... Is this paragraph out of place? Delete?
That's it. Good job!
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Good for her! Well done scene with well executed dialogue seems like part of a novel? If not, very impressive for such a short time to get it together for the prompt. Has potential!
All I can suggest is overall, check for punctuation and spacing errors (I quit typing them after the last one below) and look for places where you can show (red face, looking down, swallowing hard) instead of tell (he felt).
...was deflecting or distracting?
is there an extra space between tenancies and the comma?
Do men curtsie? I thought it was a lady thing.
...mistaken(delete space).
...lovingly into hers.(add a line space)
Delete spaces in front of commas and periods.
Delete commas or periods in front of or behind question marks.
All punctuation goes inside the quotation marks.
capitalize... Mama continued
Sir William rose... Is this paragraph out of place? Delete?
That's it. Good job!
Comment Written 30-May-2017
Comment from JDRBAR
Very well written with smooth flowing dialogue. However, I was very disappointed with the ending. It left me dangling in mid air. Was Lady Betsy afraid Mathilde would marry this young man and leave Briarly? Or what?
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Very well written with smooth flowing dialogue. However, I was very disappointed with the ending. It left me dangling in mid air. Was Lady Betsy afraid Mathilde would marry this young man and leave Briarly? Or what?
Comment Written 30-May-2017
Comment from frogbook
Very nice and I wonder if this is part of a book? It certainly sound like there was more before, and more to come. Great write for the prompt and best of luck.
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Very nice and I wonder if this is part of a book? It certainly sound like there was more before, and more to come. Great write for the prompt and best of luck.
Comment Written 30-May-2017
Comment from apky
To get straight to it, you need to go over your work again and get rid of the various spags and nits tha thoroughly frustrated a read. Decide whether you want spaces between dialogue or not. Look at this sample of your writing below and see how many glitches you find in it:
'Sir', Mathilde continued ,' this is the second time we have met and in rather odd circumstances.'
'Last time was following afternoon tea with the Dowager and now with this surprise early morning visit.'
'It is disconcerting to be thrown into each others company without ceremonial or decorum'.
'Also, Sir William,' Mathilde continued,' I do not wish that any young man of my acquaintance should feel free to place a kiss on my young woman's lips, without my express consent , as you deigned to do at the Dowager's. It is wholly inappropriate. A Lady has every right to refuse such an offer of intimacy.'
Good luck with writing.
Apky
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To get straight to it, you need to go over your work again and get rid of the various spags and nits tha thoroughly frustrated a read. Decide whether you want spaces between dialogue or not. Look at this sample of your writing below and see how many glitches you find in it:
'Sir', Mathilde continued ,' this is the second time we have met and in rather odd circumstances.'
'Last time was following afternoon tea with the Dowager and now with this surprise early morning visit.'
'It is disconcerting to be thrown into each others company without ceremonial or decorum'.
'Also, Sir William,' Mathilde continued,' I do not wish that any young man of my acquaintance should feel free to place a kiss on my young woman's lips, without my express consent , as you deigned to do at the Dowager's. It is wholly inappropriate. A Lady has every right to refuse such an offer of intimacy.'
Good luck with writing.
Apky
Comment Written 29-May-2017
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
This feels as if it's part of something bigger rather than a fully fledged story on it's own? Good tone to it and the formal language is very much in keeping.
Some things I noticed as I read-
'Who's there,?' Mathilde called out. - you don't need the comma before the question mark here.
Mathilde thought for a moment that she was mistaken . - delete the space before the full stop.
'We had just finished breakfast , - delete the space before the comma.
'What do you play sir,? ' - no comma necessary here before the question mark again. And delete the space following the ?
Check through for your spacing. Sometimes you have them before punctuation when they shouldn't be there.
Also, when using exclamation marks of question marks, you don't need a comma prior to them. I've pointed some out but there may be more.
Lady Betsy called out 'why have you changed - insert a comma after 'out'.
proceeding beautifully as it is?'. - you don't need the full stop as the dialogue is closed off.
thrown into each others company - other's.
without ceremonial or decorum' - I think it should just be ceremony here.
heartbreaking words - heart-breaking.
after all it is February 1925 - not sure you need the month in here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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Hi there,
This feels as if it's part of something bigger rather than a fully fledged story on it's own? Good tone to it and the formal language is very much in keeping.
Some things I noticed as I read-
'Who's there,?' Mathilde called out. - you don't need the comma before the question mark here.
Mathilde thought for a moment that she was mistaken . - delete the space before the full stop.
'We had just finished breakfast , - delete the space before the comma.
'What do you play sir,? ' - no comma necessary here before the question mark again. And delete the space following the ?
Check through for your spacing. Sometimes you have them before punctuation when they shouldn't be there.
Also, when using exclamation marks of question marks, you don't need a comma prior to them. I've pointed some out but there may be more.
Lady Betsy called out 'why have you changed - insert a comma after 'out'.
proceeding beautifully as it is?'. - you don't need the full stop as the dialogue is closed off.
thrown into each others company - other's.
without ceremonial or decorum' - I think it should just be ceremony here.
heartbreaking words - heart-breaking.
after all it is February 1925 - not sure you need the month in here.
All the best
GMG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 29-May-2017
Comment from royowen
At the beginning commencing from the Lady Mathilde playing her piano, Sir William is captivated by her playing, though he himself is a very skilled musicianship. When he tells that he's asked her father if he can court her, at which she declares that her father had no right give her favour away. One of the first acts of emancipation. Great story, great characters and plot, great entry in this contest using a single sentence, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy
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At the beginning commencing from the Lady Mathilde playing her piano, Sir William is captivated by her playing, though he himself is a very skilled musicianship. When he tells that he's asked her father if he can court her, at which she declares that her father had no right give her favour away. One of the first acts of emancipation. Great story, great characters and plot, great entry in this contest using a single sentence, well done, good luck, blessings, Roy
Comment Written 28-May-2017
Comment from Kazzawin
I was surprised about the date, this seemed a lot earlier but I'm a huge fan of period tales, films, TV etc so enjoyed this immensely. I love the repartee between the pair, slightly awkward but underlying attractiveness to each other skimming the surface.
You have met the criteria for the contest and produced a pleasant and satisfying read.
Good luck : )
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I was surprised about the date, this seemed a lot earlier but I'm a huge fan of period tales, films, TV etc so enjoyed this immensely. I love the repartee between the pair, slightly awkward but underlying attractiveness to each other skimming the surface.
You have met the criteria for the contest and produced a pleasant and satisfying read.
Good luck : )
Comment Written 28-May-2017
Comment from Elijah Davis
Good job! Neat, complete, in best, and a nice treat. Everything I look at to critique was all there and well. Good job! Keep it up my friend! Best of luck to you!
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Good job! Neat, complete, in best, and a nice treat. Everything I look at to critique was all there and well. Good job! Keep it up my friend! Best of luck to you!
Comment Written 28-May-2017
Comment from oliver818
Nice story, you've done a good job of creating the scene here.
I hate to be pedantic though, but a symphony usually involves an orchestra, I can't imagine one person playing a Beethoven symphony on a single piano. Can I suggest you change it to sonata, or concerto? Good luck with the competition
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Nice story, you've done a good job of creating the scene here.
I hate to be pedantic though, but a symphony usually involves an orchestra, I can't imagine one person playing a Beethoven symphony on a single piano. Can I suggest you change it to sonata, or concerto? Good luck with the competition
Comment Written 27-May-2017
Comment from wondertwin
Wonderful story bringing to light the older age of courtship and manors. Some of which are a shame to have lost, others are glad to have been left behind.
Great job in the descriptiveness throughout your story. I really enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest. Blessings, AmyJo
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Wonderful story bringing to light the older age of courtship and manors. Some of which are a shame to have lost, others are glad to have been left behind.
Great job in the descriptiveness throughout your story. I really enjoyed it. Good luck in the contest. Blessings, AmyJo
Comment Written 27-May-2017
