The Old Oak Tree
Prose Potlatch Challenge 11-13-1615 total reviews
Comment from JennaG
Excellent story! This had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. I was so happy when the couple in the car showed signs of life. And, I especially loved the twist at the end. The angel didn't end up being needed and I was relieved at that, but I think there is something kind of comforting in the thought of angels being out there. I thought your story did a nice job of conveying that feeling. Great work! :)
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2016
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Excellent story! This had me on the edge of my seat the entire time. I was so happy when the couple in the car showed signs of life. And, I especially loved the twist at the end. The angel didn't end up being needed and I was relieved at that, but I think there is something kind of comforting in the thought of angels being out there. I thought your story did a nice job of conveying that feeling. Great work! :)
Comment Written 19-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2016
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Hi Jenna, thank you so.much for.your wonderful review on this now two center! I was happy to read your feedback and appreciate you taking the time to offer a review. Much appreciated.
Comment from CEO2020
Very nice story. I was wondering who was telling the story in third person. Very nice touch at the end. Very spiritual and realistic story-line. The highlight writing for me was the following:
"As he leaned into the passenger cabin, across the body of the man slumped and motionless, the dome light inside the car suddenly came on, casting an eerie glow throughout the passenger compartment. Fred noticed the woman's eyes were open and tears were streaming down both cheeks, as she stared at the man, motionless beside her."
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2016
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Very nice story. I was wondering who was telling the story in third person. Very nice touch at the end. Very spiritual and realistic story-line. The highlight writing for me was the following:
"As he leaned into the passenger cabin, across the body of the man slumped and motionless, the dome light inside the car suddenly came on, casting an eerie glow throughout the passenger compartment. Fred noticed the woman's eyes were open and tears were streaming down both cheeks, as she stared at the man, motionless beside her."
Comment Written 18-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 19-Nov-2016
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Thank you CEO2020 for the RR&R and your feedback. The potlatch challenges have scared me for quite a few months, but just decided to jump in and am enjoying it so far. This particular challenge was tough, and I did use dialogue, so not sure I complied with the direction fully. I appreciate your interest in the story. Thank you and have a great weekend.
Comment from Sis Cat
A fascinating prose potlatch challenge. Your story absorbed me. You showed not told. You allowed the reader to get inside of the situation. You describe action and though well in a way I can see and feel. The angel appears to be a passive observer except in this key scene:
"I'm not a doctor, but I sensed something bigger than all of us going down inside that car. Somehow, she reached her husband and got his heart beating again, with just a touch."
Twist ending was surprising and got me thinking What if?
One spag: Use "Seeming to understand" instead of "seemung to understand."
Thank you for sharing your exercise.
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016
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A fascinating prose potlatch challenge. Your story absorbed me. You showed not told. You allowed the reader to get inside of the situation. You describe action and though well in a way I can see and feel. The angel appears to be a passive observer except in this key scene:
"I'm not a doctor, but I sensed something bigger than all of us going down inside that car. Somehow, she reached her husband and got his heart beating again, with just a touch."
Twist ending was surprising and got me thinking What if?
One spag: Use "Seeming to understand" instead of "seemung to understand."
Thank you for sharing your exercise.
Comment Written 17-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 17-Nov-2016
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Hi Andre, and thank you for your RR&R. I am still not sure that I got it right as I did include dialogue, through the POV. Quite a challenging write for me, that is for sure and definitely took me out of my comfort zone of writing what I know...as in non-fiction. I appreciate your input and feedback, and corrected the misspelled word. Thank you for the catch! Have an awesome evening!
Comment from Ric Myworld
Not something we want to witness, but for those of us who have, we will never forget it. Her rubbing him with the exposed bone of her arm were more details than I personally needed, but great job of following directions. Thanks for another fine read. :-)
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Not something we want to witness, but for those of us who have, we will never forget it. Her rubbing him with the exposed bone of her arm were more details than I personally needed, but great job of following directions. Thanks for another fine read. :-)
Comment Written 15-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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LOL, I'm sorry, my writing was either puking or gross bone in scratching this week. I am new to the potlatch challenge and I just typed and off it went. Perhaps I need a psychologist!!! I appreciate your RR&R and I apologize for the over-stimulation of the heave reflex! Have a great evening!
Comment from Kate Tompkins
Excellent scene setting and a vivid description of the accident and its after-effects.
Until I got to the end, I was assuming the narrator was the driver, perhaps having an out-of-body experience.
I'm curious why Fred and Bruce have names and the accident victims don't. Fred wouldn't know who they were, but the angel would. Though by not giving them names, there is that suggestion that they're not going to make it.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Excellent scene setting and a vivid description of the accident and its after-effects.
Until I got to the end, I was assuming the narrator was the driver, perhaps having an out-of-body experience.
I'm curious why Fred and Bruce have names and the accident victims don't. Fred wouldn't know who they were, but the angel would. Though by not giving them names, there is that suggestion that they're not going to make it.
Comment Written 15-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Hi Kate, thank you for your comprehensive RR&R on this. So very much appreciated. You pose a great question as too the naming of the accident victims, and I don't have an answer for you...It just came out like that. In my imagination, they both survived; so I'll blame the it on the HEPA law! Thanks again, I appreciate you!
Comment from LaRosa
How many 6's can I give?
Reading the rules of the contest it's clear that Ms. Wakefield met all the guidelines. She did it perfectly!
Descriptive elements draw reader to feel he/she is watching, even feeling the emotions involved as Fred attempts to bring help.
The guardian angel ending is perfect; leaving reader to believe help is here and all is going to be good in the end.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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How many 6's can I give?
Reading the rules of the contest it's clear that Ms. Wakefield met all the guidelines. She did it perfectly!
Descriptive elements draw reader to feel he/she is watching, even feeling the emotions involved as Fred attempts to bring help.
The guardian angel ending is perfect; leaving reader to believe help is here and all is going to be good in the end.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Let me tell you, this potlatch was so hard for me, and I went to bed with a stomach ache after posting it. So imagine how thrilled I was too read your assessment and the assignment of a SIX on it. Bless you! Have a wonderful Wednesday!
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:) Doing potlatch is an admirable thing in my estimation. I have nerves enough trying to get my own ideas down, let alone trying to
work on an 'assignment'.
It was a 6 for ME!
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Mary
= Very touching.
= I like revealing the angel aspect at the very end.
= Glad I'm feeling better. It's nice to be back on site.
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings --- Jax
<> Published as --- Jacqueline M Franklin
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Hi, Mary
= Very touching.
= I like revealing the angel aspect at the very end.
= Glad I'm feeling better. It's nice to be back on site.
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings --- Jax
<> Published as --- Jacqueline M Franklin
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Hi Jax! Thank you for your RR&R on this piece. I'm new to this potlatch and this challenge sent me too bed with a stomach ache!
I'm glad you are feeling better, too!
Comment from Mustang Patty
You've done a good job of 'showing' and not 'telling.' It is probably one of the things we all sweat over.
The story line is sound, and you've shown us the urgency in the characters' attempts to help. I liked the dog, too.
A little nit:
'disintegrate with the sheer force.'
I don't think you need the 'the' here. Sheer force speaks for itself.
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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You've done a good job of 'showing' and not 'telling.' It is probably one of the things we all sweat over.
The story line is sound, and you've shown us the urgency in the characters' attempts to help. I liked the dog, too.
A little nit:
'disintegrate with the sheer force.'
I don't think you need the 'the' here. Sheer force speaks for itself.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 16-Nov-2016
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Hi Patty, Thank you for your RR&R on this potlatch. I'm new to the challenge and went to bed on a stomach ache after this one! Great idea on removing 'the', consider it done!
I appreciate you!
Comment from bichonfrisegirl
Hi Mary,
Very nice job on this prose potlatch challenge. The 'show, don't tell' aspect of this challenge is something that I'm not a good judge of, as I only write poetry, so I can't really speak to that. It appears to me that you did an excellent job.
Your story is entertaining and it immediately grabs your reader's attention and holds it right through to the end. I do love the imagery that you have created in your story, and the concern shown for the victims of the car crash is made very clear to your reader. "Somehow, she reached her husband and got his heart beating again, with just a touch." .... I loved this line and your 'surprise' ending of "time to move on. My angel wings were needed elsewhere" is great.
One teeny suggestion ... "Neither the woman or the man" ... neither the woman nor the man ... I would change "or" to 'nor'. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.
Connie
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2016
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Hi Mary,
Very nice job on this prose potlatch challenge. The 'show, don't tell' aspect of this challenge is something that I'm not a good judge of, as I only write poetry, so I can't really speak to that. It appears to me that you did an excellent job.
Your story is entertaining and it immediately grabs your reader's attention and holds it right through to the end. I do love the imagery that you have created in your story, and the concern shown for the victims of the car crash is made very clear to your reader. "Somehow, she reached her husband and got his heart beating again, with just a touch." .... I loved this line and your 'surprise' ending of "time to move on. My angel wings were needed elsewhere" is great.
One teeny suggestion ... "Neither the woman or the man" ... neither the woman nor the man ... I would change "or" to 'nor'. Other than that, I wouldn't change a thing.
Connie
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2016
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Hi Connie, thank you so much for reviewing this one. I don't put much money on the potlatch challenges so I do appreciate you time and talent. Great suggestion on the 'nor', and I've incorporated it. I was really having a hard time with the POV no dialogue demand this one required. I went to bed with a stomach ache after submitting it!! Have an awesome week ahead, and I'm so glad everyone is on the mend in your family!
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
OH dear what a wonderful story and even though that is what it was, it brought tears of relief to my face.
No problems noted and I assume relief was the emotion all around.
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2016
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OH dear what a wonderful story and even though that is what it was, it brought tears of relief to my face.
No problems noted and I assume relief was the emotion all around.
Comment Written 14-Nov-2016
reply by the author on 14-Nov-2016
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Hi Barb, this is my second potlatch and I have avoided them like the plague for the very reason I went to bed with a stress stomach ache last night after writing it. I'm not used to writing in a POV presentation, and as you can see, I had to add dialogue. That was a tough one. I wasn't sure where it was going to take me, but I am so happy you liked it. Thanks again!
