Poetry
Viewing comments for Chapter 39 "Almost human"Words to pass on to my children
9 total reviews
Comment from krys123
Good morning to you Mary;
-congratulations on your winning the contest, Mary
-my own personal opinion and that is in your eight-syllable 6th line where I would have written it in this manner "see them up close and YOU'LL know it's true". The reason why I've chosen "you will" is because some people haven't seen them up close.
-Also on this 7th line you may want to show that they may or can communicate and the line that you have written is using and ING word for the first and only time and so I would eliminate it and make it more of an active verb, "so clever THEY CAN communicate too" and if you're using punctuation you would need a comma after communicate just like you would need one in yours after the word communicating.
-In your 10th line you use the word too for the second time where I would have written something like :"magic mental support for you".
-Also, in your third from the last line, I would've contracted the word JOY as in JOY'S and then write "joy's so plain". So the last three lines would read as such: "joy's so plain to gain play". These are all my suggestions and opinions Mary and the just only use to see if you can use them in your writing.
-I hope I been some help and I know it's easy for me to subject you to these suggestions for I have not written the thing in the first place. Your imagination is truly gifted with inventiveness and ingenious creativeness and I'm not trying to take away from that I'm just trying to help communicated in a way that makes more sense to me anyway.
-Your idea and the conceptual theme is what really helped you win this contest and I'm not trying to take away from that.
-Take care Mary and have a good one.
Alex
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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Good morning to you Mary;
-congratulations on your winning the contest, Mary
-my own personal opinion and that is in your eight-syllable 6th line where I would have written it in this manner "see them up close and YOU'LL know it's true". The reason why I've chosen "you will" is because some people haven't seen them up close.
-Also on this 7th line you may want to show that they may or can communicate and the line that you have written is using and ING word for the first and only time and so I would eliminate it and make it more of an active verb, "so clever THEY CAN communicate too" and if you're using punctuation you would need a comma after communicate just like you would need one in yours after the word communicating.
-In your 10th line you use the word too for the second time where I would have written something like :"magic mental support for you".
-Also, in your third from the last line, I would've contracted the word JOY as in JOY'S and then write "joy's so plain". So the last three lines would read as such: "joy's so plain to gain play". These are all my suggestions and opinions Mary and the just only use to see if you can use them in your writing.
-I hope I been some help and I know it's easy for me to subject you to these suggestions for I have not written the thing in the first place. Your imagination is truly gifted with inventiveness and ingenious creativeness and I'm not trying to take away from that I'm just trying to help communicated in a way that makes more sense to me anyway.
-Your idea and the conceptual theme is what really helped you win this contest and I'm not trying to take away from that.
-Take care Mary and have a good one.
Alex
Comment Written 19-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2016
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Thanks Alex for your review of my poem, but I have to confess that I had to change it three times so I really do not want to look at it again. My brain is sizzled from it. I appreciate as usual your honest opinions. Mary
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I get understand that, Mary, and after while it's just it's too old to work on your writing and, your brain SEEMS to freeze up on it.
Alex
Comment from Justin Yhoung
"Almost human"
Spoke to me immediately. It's catchy; it made me want to know what its about.
Then I saw the picture
I had forgotten how much I love dolphins and my associations with them
Then I read the poem
You speak truth; I found it to be very descriptive
Good use of imagery--at least, that is to say I could picture it in my mind very easily.
"they have helped those those who are down and so blue"--I found this to be deep. It made me think that dolphins are surrounded by the blue water. It made me think that maybe they are here to hello, and that was inspiring and gave me hope.
In other words, your poem enlightened me; to sum up, it brought back good memories.
Thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
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"Almost human"
Spoke to me immediately. It's catchy; it made me want to know what its about.
Then I saw the picture
I had forgotten how much I love dolphins and my associations with them
Then I read the poem
You speak truth; I found it to be very descriptive
Good use of imagery--at least, that is to say I could picture it in my mind very easily.
"they have helped those those who are down and so blue"--I found this to be deep. It made me think that dolphins are surrounded by the blue water. It made me think that maybe they are here to hello, and that was inspiring and gave me hope.
In other words, your poem enlightened me; to sum up, it brought back good memories.
Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 17-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 17-Oct-2016
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Oh thank you so much for your exceptional review I am so appreciative of.
Comment from winnona
a well-written contest entry. I think you completed the challenge of the contest well. Your words flowed nicely together combining and forming the message of the poem for the reader.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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a well-written contest entry. I think you completed the challenge of the contest well. Your words flowed nicely together combining and forming the message of the poem for the reader.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Thanks winnona for your encouraging review.
Comment from cumulus365
You chose a poetic style that is wonderful for your subject. Your poem meets the syllabic counts and the rhyming patterns requirement for this entry. The illustration effectively enhances your descriptive poem in that the subject shows joy in themselves under a beautiful blue clear sky. Just a contribution, I thought the poem begins with "they" sounding of "ay" in which you have it in the last line "yay"; however, the "yay" word is kind of proziac (I hope you won't take it as harsh since I just want to bring forth) may be a word "play" which is one syllable with sound pattern "ay" yet it wraps it up with the last four lines that deal with children. Also, when you play, you have joy. In addition, the word "plain" of the second to last line does ring an alliteration, a poetic technique in poetry, of the "pl" blend as in "joy is plain play". I like the word "adieu". A french word for "good bye forever" is such a lovely word and make sense as an ending. All in all, your lovely thought and hard work you put into this poem about this very intelligent mammal of the ocean is fabulous. Thanks for sharing with me. Best.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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You chose a poetic style that is wonderful for your subject. Your poem meets the syllabic counts and the rhyming patterns requirement for this entry. The illustration effectively enhances your descriptive poem in that the subject shows joy in themselves under a beautiful blue clear sky. Just a contribution, I thought the poem begins with "they" sounding of "ay" in which you have it in the last line "yay"; however, the "yay" word is kind of proziac (I hope you won't take it as harsh since I just want to bring forth) may be a word "play" which is one syllable with sound pattern "ay" yet it wraps it up with the last four lines that deal with children. Also, when you play, you have joy. In addition, the word "plain" of the second to last line does ring an alliteration, a poetic technique in poetry, of the "pl" blend as in "joy is plain play". I like the word "adieu". A french word for "good bye forever" is such a lovely word and make sense as an ending. All in all, your lovely thought and hard work you put into this poem about this very intelligent mammal of the ocean is fabulous. Thanks for sharing with me. Best.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Thanks so much for your review and great comments, I really do appreciate
Comment from Sandra du Plessis
A very well-written diatelle poem. An excellent choice for your subject and a beautiful mural of the jumping dolphins, I am one of those kids that always enjoy the dolphins tricks.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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A very well-written diatelle poem. An excellent choice for your subject and a beautiful mural of the jumping dolphins, I am one of those kids that always enjoy the dolphins tricks.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Thanks Sandra for your review. much appreciated
Comment from Dean Kuch
"clever fish at communicating too
awe-inspiring just to see how these fish can play" ... Actually dolphins, porpoises, orcas, and whales are all considered to be mammals, not fish, as they don't breathe under water. Now sharks...those are fish...
I don't know all that much about the diatelle form of poetry, but you seem to have managed to make it work well.
Best of luck in the contest.
~Dean :}
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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"clever fish at communicating too
awe-inspiring just to see how these fish can play" ... Actually dolphins, porpoises, orcas, and whales are all considered to be mammals, not fish, as they don't breathe under water. Now sharks...those are fish...
I don't know all that much about the diatelle form of poetry, but you seem to have managed to make it work well.
Best of luck in the contest.
~Dean :}
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Thanks Dean I have taken out the word fish and changed the syllable count to fit with the poem, I really appreciate your help in your review.
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It was my pleasure, you're welcome. :)
Comment from foxangie123
Yes they are. I so very much love those creatures indeed. I love your poem as well. It is a breath of fresh air and very much perfect indeed. Please more.
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Yes they are. I so very much love those creatures indeed. I love your poem as well. It is a breath of fresh air and very much perfect indeed. Please more.
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Thanks for your encouraging review.
Comment from Abby Wilson-hand
it is quite beautiful even though a dolphin is not a fish i enjoyed it nice rhyming great picture. just constructive critisism on the fish part
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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it is quite beautiful even though a dolphin is not a fish i enjoyed it nice rhyming great picture. just constructive critisism on the fish part
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Hi, can you check this one out for me I changed most of it. I hope it is ok.
Comment from kiwisteveh
Revised Review
Complies with the form now, except for one tiny fix still needed in middle line. I have upgraded my rating.
Original review
Dolphins are wonderful creatures, and your poem is a nice tribute to their playfulness, grace and intelligence. However, the strict conditions of the Diatelle form seem to have evaded you, especially in terms of the rhyme scheme.
The first line, middle line and last line should all rhyme - you have two/all/hear
In the second half of the poem, you seem to have started over with new rhymes arena and child when they should be the same as in the first half...
I don't envy you trying to fix this, but let me know if you do and I will happily upgrade my rating.
Steve
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Revised Review
Complies with the form now, except for one tiny fix still needed in middle line. I have upgraded my rating.
Original review
Dolphins are wonderful creatures, and your poem is a nice tribute to their playfulness, grace and intelligence. However, the strict conditions of the Diatelle form seem to have evaded you, especially in terms of the rhyme scheme.
The first line, middle line and last line should all rhyme - you have two/all/hear
In the second half of the poem, you seem to have started over with new rhymes arena and child when they should be the same as in the first half...
I don't envy you trying to fix this, but let me know if you do and I will happily upgrade my rating.
Steve
Comment Written 15-Oct-2016
reply by the author on 15-Oct-2016
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Hi I have changed it can you look at it and tell if it is ok
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That's better! I have upgraded my rating, but you need to take one more look at the longest line - I think there's a typo and you should check the syllable count.