THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 35 "Only I Know How the Play Ends "JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
33 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
"At that point Rhuether's guards (would) have been..."
I guess if you are going to write fiction, especially fantasy, powerful magic is a wonderful characteristic for the hero or heroine to have... You just might make me attempt some sort of fantasy short story in future, Jay. *smile* (Although I told you it's not a genre I am all that enamored of, when it's witches and so on, I've dabbled, so the thought of a little MORE magic does tempt me...)
I have no sixes left, though I know what you'd say anyway, and anyway, you'd have one on everything of yours - that wouldn't leave many to divvy up among others, now would it! (*grinning again*)
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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"At that point Rhuether's guards (would) have been..."
I guess if you are going to write fiction, especially fantasy, powerful magic is a wonderful characteristic for the hero or heroine to have... You just might make me attempt some sort of fantasy short story in future, Jay. *smile* (Although I told you it's not a genre I am all that enamored of, when it's witches and so on, I've dabbled, so the thought of a little MORE magic does tempt me...)
I have no sixes left, though I know what you'd say anyway, and anyway, you'd have one on everything of yours - that wouldn't leave many to divvy up among others, now would it! (*grinning again*)
Comment Written 09-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Thank you, Dawn. It's more than enough that you respect my work. I cherish that.
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I'm humbled - impossible not to respect your work.
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day Jay. Once again I am way behind, sorry.
"The shadows turned out to be unoccupied." (Phew!)
"the evil Santa with his bagful of soldiers." (Beautiful description.)
"I couldn't leave these two," (Ah, good old guilt, a wonderful human trait.)
"He said my antics of expressing my grief, of pleading to have him kill me, added to the moments of tension leading to the climax." ( That would certainly make me think.)
"The pillow still bore the imprint of Axtilla's head." (Powerfully emotional imagery.)
"Who but a madman would carry on conversations with a bird?" (lol. I've done it many times in Malanda.)
This is fabulous work mate. Such vivid imagery and brilliant dialogue makes it a thrilling book.
Class act, Sir.
Cheers Fez
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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G'day Jay. Once again I am way behind, sorry.
"The shadows turned out to be unoccupied." (Phew!)
"the evil Santa with his bagful of soldiers." (Beautiful description.)
"I couldn't leave these two," (Ah, good old guilt, a wonderful human trait.)
"He said my antics of expressing my grief, of pleading to have him kill me, added to the moments of tension leading to the climax." ( That would certainly make me think.)
"The pillow still bore the imprint of Axtilla's head." (Powerfully emotional imagery.)
"Who but a madman would carry on conversations with a bird?" (lol. I've done it many times in Malanda.)
This is fabulous work mate. Such vivid imagery and brilliant dialogue makes it a thrilling book.
Class act, Sir.
Cheers Fez
Comment Written 08-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Thanks a bunch, Fez. I especially enjoyed your pointing out the sentences that moved you.
Comment from Reedblitzerman
[I'd seen that horror-filled grin before on the faces of more than one of my Kabeezan soldiers when they encountered the boogeyman clambering up the hillside to get them.] Great sentence. As a lover of horror, this rung the bell for me.
[I waited until they slogged their way toward their weapons, casting bewildered glances at each other] Good visual. It's only a sketch but it comes through clear.
[Listening at the door for Chiel's voice among the clatter of metal against metal, and punctuation of laughter and bantering, I knocked.] Nice transition. It's subtle and smooth.
["Yes. Hurry, Chiel."] Nice economy. This exchange sounds like people with something to do and somewhere to go. Especially since we know so much is pre-arranged.
The ending of the chapter is interesting. I could only conclude that Kyre is working on him somehow. I hadn't anticipated this, which I feel is good - keeping the reader on their feet. Kyre may know what happens next, but we don't. It's a nice transition knowing the battle is coming.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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[I'd seen that horror-filled grin before on the faces of more than one of my Kabeezan soldiers when they encountered the boogeyman clambering up the hillside to get them.] Great sentence. As a lover of horror, this rung the bell for me.
[I waited until they slogged their way toward their weapons, casting bewildered glances at each other] Good visual. It's only a sketch but it comes through clear.
[Listening at the door for Chiel's voice among the clatter of metal against metal, and punctuation of laughter and bantering, I knocked.] Nice transition. It's subtle and smooth.
["Yes. Hurry, Chiel."] Nice economy. This exchange sounds like people with something to do and somewhere to go. Especially since we know so much is pre-arranged.
The ending of the chapter is interesting. I could only conclude that Kyre is working on him somehow. I hadn't anticipated this, which I feel is good - keeping the reader on their feet. Kyre may know what happens next, but we don't. It's a nice transition knowing the battle is coming.
Comment Written 07-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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You highlighted some of the sentences that galvanized you. I'm thrilled you're into this, Reed. I'm having trouble with the climactic scenes. Pray for me.
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Jay, I am praying for you. Just remember, write what you want. You can always edit later. If you know the characters, just let them speak up (there's my five cents, but Elmore Leonard said about the same thing only with more eloquence).
Comment from --Turtle.
Hey, Jay...
I read through this chapter. Really strong work with the pace of transition, getting Doctrex from Axtilla's room, to his room... with a lingering sense of petulance and a bit of madness from heartbreak coming through as he's going through the motions of Kyre's expectations. The lingering loss of Axtilla as even a memory looms. The sense is that Pondria is playing in a war of gods.
How this ends... I'm not sure how it's going to end, but I'm paying attention. Really enjoyed this chapter.
wondering why their shoe laces(shoelaces)? were suddenly tied together; if not
like a moon orbiting its planet.
(I liked the visual of this, how Pondria dealt with them)
discovered by their replacements in a career(-)?altering position.
Now I would extricate them, still muted, from their embrace(,) but the moment
bird convinced me I was Pondria, then[,]? Axtilla--Axtilla tried to make me into
(The ultimate identity crisis! Either way though, no matter who he seems to be, he still loves Axtilla)
another laugh ripped through.
(I really like the emotional instability of utter sadness to madness to laughing under the stress of personality plinko. Who comes out on top... Doctor x? The general? Pondria... who will be facing Glnot, and how will this end?)
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Hey, Jay...
I read through this chapter. Really strong work with the pace of transition, getting Doctrex from Axtilla's room, to his room... with a lingering sense of petulance and a bit of madness from heartbreak coming through as he's going through the motions of Kyre's expectations. The lingering loss of Axtilla as even a memory looms. The sense is that Pondria is playing in a war of gods.
How this ends... I'm not sure how it's going to end, but I'm paying attention. Really enjoyed this chapter.
wondering why their shoe laces(shoelaces)? were suddenly tied together; if not
like a moon orbiting its planet.
(I liked the visual of this, how Pondria dealt with them)
discovered by their replacements in a career(-)?altering position.
Now I would extricate them, still muted, from their embrace(,) but the moment
bird convinced me I was Pondria, then[,]? Axtilla--Axtilla tried to make me into
(The ultimate identity crisis! Either way though, no matter who he seems to be, he still loves Axtilla)
another laugh ripped through.
(I really like the emotional instability of utter sadness to madness to laughing under the stress of personality plinko. Who comes out on top... Doctor x? The general? Pondria... who will be facing Glnot, and how will this end?)
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Huge thanks, as usual, Turtle for your obvious close read. I've taken yours, Alex's, Marion's and Av's and put them in my folder for the final edit. Again, thank you!
Comment from Walter L. Jones
I wait the the twist and turn, options, how many, like rose pedls, let me count the ways, magic, not really, mind playing, md, captured, what place, what time, why, extension, new book, open to view, fun to read, and then there was one, battle or war, world or worlds, enjoyed... Walt
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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I wait the the twist and turn, options, how many, like rose pedls, let me count the ways, magic, not really, mind playing, md, captured, what place, what time, why, extension, new book, open to view, fun to read, and then there was one, battle or war, world or worlds, enjoyed... Walt
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Walt, you are a beautiful man. Thanks for showing your loyalty once again. I hope you'll enjoy the next few chapters, the climax and denouement.
Comment from Curly Girly
Axtilla has died in the play. I was not expecting this outcome.
To me, this phrase niggles:
Axtilla didn't even know of her part in the play's ending until shortly before she died. If then. Kyre knew whether her death was voluntary.
This sentence cannot be a stand alone sentence: If then.
I'm not sure what to suggest, but you'll figure it out.
Nicole
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Axtilla has died in the play. I was not expecting this outcome.
To me, this phrase niggles:
Axtilla didn't even know of her part in the play's ending until shortly before she died. If then. Kyre knew whether her death was voluntary.
This sentence cannot be a stand alone sentence: If then.
I'm not sure what to suggest, but you'll figure it out.
Nicole
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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THank you, Nicole, for your close read of the text. I agree with you and have noted it--to be changed with a lot of other stuff, first of next week.
Comment from marion
Hi Jay
As always, a great chapter with some great writing and such good thought passage.
You are a very talented writer, and I only wish I had your intellect and ability.
My only SMALL criticism are that some of the writing is too wordy, sometimes hard to read. Here are some examples where I feel words can be cut. (I also feel that one sometimes hard chapter to read is okay, but imagine a book of them. The reader would soon be lost. And your writing is too exceptional to let this happen!)
At the landing, I cast my eyes down the stairs, scanning what I could see of the first floor. (why not just: At the landing, I cast my eyes down the stairs, scanning the first floor. (it's obvious you can only see what you can see!)
A fine place, there in the shadows, for someone to ambush me. The shadows turned out to be unoccupied. (why not: A fine place for someone to ambush me. The shadows turned out to be unoccupied.) - more loss of words.
(hanging) drapes of the sweat-drenched back of one guard (drapes always hang - another word not needed)
while their eyes bulged (with terror) - we already know there is horror. Bulged eyes mean terror.
(I opened the door) and went out onto the porch. (What about just: I went out onto the porch.)
Not under their control, their bodies kept circling slowly away from me, like a moon orbiting its planet. (real nice!)
a herculean effort that registered as engorged veins and tendons in his neck. (to me this would read better with less description - it would make it stronger. I don't know .. perhaps "an effort that engorged his neck veins and tendons.
I strained (my ears) to listen. ( I strained to listen) You don't need ears.
But why? Why worry? It was all part of the acting out of the play. Kyre promised I would get to my room ... (really like the questions coming in here - they bring us back from all the 'telling'.
My nostrils were assailed, not unpleasantly, (by the smell) of cooking meat. (what about: My nostrils were assailed, not unpleasantly, by cooking meat. (you've already mentioned nostrils and we know it is smell)
A breath seemed to come from nowhere, (filling my lungs). I let out the trapped air in a sudden rush. (what about: A breath seemed to come from nowhere. I let out the trapped air in a sudden rush. (breath always fills the lungs)
about the indignity of that? I laughed, (feeling my breath's heat in the pillow). What victory was that? (To me this interrupts. What about: ....about the indignity of that? I laughed. What victory was that?
Great end sentence. You are so talented, Jay!
Hope some of this has been of help.
Marion
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Hi Jay
As always, a great chapter with some great writing and such good thought passage.
You are a very talented writer, and I only wish I had your intellect and ability.
My only SMALL criticism are that some of the writing is too wordy, sometimes hard to read. Here are some examples where I feel words can be cut. (I also feel that one sometimes hard chapter to read is okay, but imagine a book of them. The reader would soon be lost. And your writing is too exceptional to let this happen!)
At the landing, I cast my eyes down the stairs, scanning what I could see of the first floor. (why not just: At the landing, I cast my eyes down the stairs, scanning the first floor. (it's obvious you can only see what you can see!)
A fine place, there in the shadows, for someone to ambush me. The shadows turned out to be unoccupied. (why not: A fine place for someone to ambush me. The shadows turned out to be unoccupied.) - more loss of words.
(hanging) drapes of the sweat-drenched back of one guard (drapes always hang - another word not needed)
while their eyes bulged (with terror) - we already know there is horror. Bulged eyes mean terror.
(I opened the door) and went out onto the porch. (What about just: I went out onto the porch.)
Not under their control, their bodies kept circling slowly away from me, like a moon orbiting its planet. (real nice!)
a herculean effort that registered as engorged veins and tendons in his neck. (to me this would read better with less description - it would make it stronger. I don't know .. perhaps "an effort that engorged his neck veins and tendons.
I strained (my ears) to listen. ( I strained to listen) You don't need ears.
But why? Why worry? It was all part of the acting out of the play. Kyre promised I would get to my room ... (really like the questions coming in here - they bring us back from all the 'telling'.
My nostrils were assailed, not unpleasantly, (by the smell) of cooking meat. (what about: My nostrils were assailed, not unpleasantly, by cooking meat. (you've already mentioned nostrils and we know it is smell)
A breath seemed to come from nowhere, (filling my lungs). I let out the trapped air in a sudden rush. (what about: A breath seemed to come from nowhere. I let out the trapped air in a sudden rush. (breath always fills the lungs)
about the indignity of that? I laughed, (feeling my breath's heat in the pillow). What victory was that? (To me this interrupts. What about: ....about the indignity of that? I laughed. What victory was that?
Great end sentence. You are so talented, Jay!
Hope some of this has been of help.
Marion
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Bless you, Marion. Yours is the most complete, microscopic evaluation, I've had. All good stuff. Yes! Wordy! Your review, along with Turtle's, Alex's, are going into my folder for the major edit. Thanks again!
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Some great introspection in this chapter, Jay. First of all, we see Doctrex's merciful side, although his solution with the guards amused me. I could see them moving as you described, and couldn't help but smile.
And then his reaction upon returning to his room. Grief is probably the strongest of emotions, triggering all kinds of reactions both physically but especially mentally. I think you showed that very well here. He's questioning himself and his actions and responses, and it sounds totally authentic.
Very well done.
Av
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Some great introspection in this chapter, Jay. First of all, we see Doctrex's merciful side, although his solution with the guards amused me. I could see them moving as you described, and couldn't help but smile.
And then his reaction upon returning to his room. Grief is probably the strongest of emotions, triggering all kinds of reactions both physically but especially mentally. I think you showed that very well here. He's questioning himself and his actions and responses, and it sounds totally authentic.
Very well done.
Av
Comment Written 05-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Bless you, Av. I'm so thrilled you enjoyed this chapter. I believe I have three left, two for the climax, one for the denouement. Please come along.
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Wouldn't miss it.
Comment from poetbear
Narrative is always golden.
Characters are interesting.
Twists and turns have you wanting more.
Well written and creative.
Solid Gold
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Narrative is always golden.
Characters are interesting.
Twists and turns have you wanting more.
Well written and creative.
Solid Gold
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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Ahhhhh, so good to have you back. Thanks for reading this.
Comment from Zue65
This chapter gave enough clues and hints as to how Doctrex or Pondria for that matter, will behave in the next chapter. This made your post quite interesting and the next post may be worth looking forward to. Thanks for sharing.
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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This chapter gave enough clues and hints as to how Doctrex or Pondria for that matter, will behave in the next chapter. This made your post quite interesting and the next post may be worth looking forward to. Thanks for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Jul-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jul-2016
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I hope you will be there for the next chapter. I'm so happy you attended this one.
