Deception
Flash Fiction Contest57 total reviews
Comment from Ginger Banks
This is an intriguing short story, I enjoyed the reading of it. Though the story definitely has an ending, as the contest requires. I have a hope for more in the future. Excellent work on the plot, the drama, with its beginning, peak and end.
Even though you cannot provide it, because of needing to keep this story within word count for the contest; this story left me with a desire to see justice come to Christian and peace provided to Isabel. Lol. :)
Good luck on the contest, I realize there is a need to keep the wording short, but these are some obvious items [SPaGs & story-line issues] I saw while reading, which may require your immediate attention:
"Isabel woke up early from a restless sleep. She'd gone to bed the night before feeling shattered, and had hoped for a good night's rest." {why was she feeling shattered?}
"Isabel looked from one to the other. Everything had just gone mad. She had to be dreaming, but however much she concentrated on waking up the police was [ were ] still standing in front of her."
"All you'll see [ is your ] will be your husband's face,..." feels awkward, may need some re-wording as noted in my suggestion above?
"Not able to answer, [ since this is true the words in quotations may need to be eliminated? ] Isabel nodded. "Please, let's get it over with." "
"the two police constables [ stood watching OR just the word "watching" changed to "watched" ] watching her."
"Christian gazed out of [ remove "of" ] the window unto [ on to ] the Pacific way below. [ window and down to the Pacific Ocean, far below. ] He chuckled when he thought about Isabel. It would be about this time that she would discover that she would discover that the body on the slap in the morgue was not that of her beloved husband. " [ This doesn't sound right to me, an example to change the wording, would be - - About this time she would be discovering the body on the *slab* {not slap} in the morgue is not that of her beloved husband. ]
"He could just visualise [ visualize ] all hell braking [ breaking ] loose."
"He lifted the [ his ] glass in congratulation[s]. 'To Bondi Beach and a new life!' "
"They would never find him. [ him, of that he had made damn sure! ] That he had made damn sure of."
"a while ago [ ago, ] after he'd found the fraudster who'd provided him with a total [ totally ] new identity."
"He'd paid the guy {which guy?} enough to arrange [ for an accident and a body, ] the accident and a body, so he {so who wouldn't be a problem?} wouldn't be a problem."
" ' Here we come Australia!' [ 'Australia, here I come!' ] Or if you plan to leave it as "we", who is the included in that trip to Australia, besides Christian?
Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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This is an intriguing short story, I enjoyed the reading of it. Though the story definitely has an ending, as the contest requires. I have a hope for more in the future. Excellent work on the plot, the drama, with its beginning, peak and end.
Even though you cannot provide it, because of needing to keep this story within word count for the contest; this story left me with a desire to see justice come to Christian and peace provided to Isabel. Lol. :)
Good luck on the contest, I realize there is a need to keep the wording short, but these are some obvious items [SPaGs & story-line issues] I saw while reading, which may require your immediate attention:
"Isabel woke up early from a restless sleep. She'd gone to bed the night before feeling shattered, and had hoped for a good night's rest." {why was she feeling shattered?}
"Isabel looked from one to the other. Everything had just gone mad. She had to be dreaming, but however much she concentrated on waking up the police was [ were ] still standing in front of her."
"All you'll see [ is your ] will be your husband's face,..." feels awkward, may need some re-wording as noted in my suggestion above?
"Not able to answer, [ since this is true the words in quotations may need to be eliminated? ] Isabel nodded. "Please, let's get it over with." "
"the two police constables [ stood watching OR just the word "watching" changed to "watched" ] watching her."
"Christian gazed out of [ remove "of" ] the window unto [ on to ] the Pacific way below. [ window and down to the Pacific Ocean, far below. ] He chuckled when he thought about Isabel. It would be about this time that she would discover that she would discover that the body on the slap in the morgue was not that of her beloved husband. " [ This doesn't sound right to me, an example to change the wording, would be - - About this time she would be discovering the body on the *slab* {not slap} in the morgue is not that of her beloved husband. ]
"He could just visualise [ visualize ] all hell braking [ breaking ] loose."
"He lifted the [ his ] glass in congratulation[s]. 'To Bondi Beach and a new life!' "
"They would never find him. [ him, of that he had made damn sure! ] That he had made damn sure of."
"a while ago [ ago, ] after he'd found the fraudster who'd provided him with a total [ totally ] new identity."
"He'd paid the guy {which guy?} enough to arrange [ for an accident and a body, ] the accident and a body, so he {so who wouldn't be a problem?} wouldn't be a problem."
" ' Here we come Australia!' [ 'Australia, here I come!' ] Or if you plan to leave it as "we", who is the included in that trip to Australia, besides Christian?
Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Thanks, I have made a lot of editing since your review, so you'll find it much improved if you have the time to look it over. Visualise can be spelled both ways. I've changed to visualize to keep most of the readers happy. Ulla:)
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You're welcome, as I said, I look forward to reading it.
Comment from isabellealina
I have to say, you caught me out here - I was not expecting this twist!
I enjoy the change in tone from "usual morning routine" to something not so usual, and the descriptions of the Police and how they might speak is so realistic, and draws you right in. I think there is an opportunity to either a) expand on Isabel's grief in the moment of hearing bad news, or b) expand on the disconnect between her and her husband (is she really bothered?) as I did not fully connect with her reactions.
Overall, very good :) good luck!
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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I have to say, you caught me out here - I was not expecting this twist!
I enjoy the change in tone from "usual morning routine" to something not so usual, and the descriptions of the Police and how they might speak is so realistic, and draws you right in. I think there is an opportunity to either a) expand on Isabel's grief in the moment of hearing bad news, or b) expand on the disconnect between her and her husband (is she really bothered?) as I did not fully connect with her reactions.
Overall, very good :) good luck!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Thanks, Difficult to expand as it is flash fiction and not allowed more words for the contest. Story has to be read in that light. I've made quite a few edits to it though within the word limit. Ulla
Comment from Stephendick24
You did a good job creating suspense, but I was disappointed in the way it ended. Why did someone have to die when she'd know it's not her husband anyway? Is divorce not good enough for him? I think you can do well with this if you make it longer with more detail and clearer motivation. Good work.
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reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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You did a good job creating suspense, but I was disappointed in the way it ended. Why did someone have to die when she'd know it's not her husband anyway? Is divorce not good enough for him? I think you can do well with this if you make it longer with more detail and clearer motivation. Good work.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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She didn't know it was not her husband did she? Never mind. You didn't get it. All I will say is that it is a 1000 word limit flash fiction contest. Read the rules please and the story before you dash out a three star. Ulla
Comment from Cindy Warren
I hope Christian gets caught. What a creep! I can't imagine why he thinks nobody will look for him. In the last part from Christian's point of view, braking should be breaking.
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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I hope Christian gets caught. What a creep! I can't imagine why he thinks nobody will look for him. In the last part from Christian's point of view, braking should be breaking.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 11-Jun-2016
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Thank you very much. Yeah, he's not nice at all. All the best, Ulla:)
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Some people just never even consider divorce. LOL What a thing to put a woman through. Evidently she is better off without him. He did her a favor. She will never know. Well done Ulla. xx Nancy
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Some people just never even consider divorce. LOL What a thing to put a woman through. Evidently she is better off without him. He did her a favor. She will never know. Well done Ulla. xx Nancy
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Thank you very much Nancy. I have made a few changes to the end o now it has a true twist.Glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from Douglas Paul
A great surprise ending to your well told story, Ulla. I did not see that coming at all. Your writing flowed smoothly and you held my attention throughout. I saw no errors.
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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A great surprise ending to your well told story, Ulla. I did not see that coming at all. Your writing flowed smoothly and you held my attention throughout. I saw no errors.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Douglas, Thank, you so much for the great review. I have made some changes to the end so now it has a true twist to the tale. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from billyd73
Good post. I didn't see that twist coming in the end. Kept me interested the whole time. I wonder what his wife did to make the poor guy fake his own death haha but good luck in the contest
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reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Good post. I didn't see that twist coming in the end. Kept me interested the whole time. I wonder what his wife did to make the poor guy fake his own death haha but good luck in the contest
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for this great review. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
