Deception
Flash Fiction Contest57 total reviews
Comment from Dr. Nad
Deception is a lovely short story of intrigue, mystery, subterfuge and pain. This was a story that had my attention from the very beginning to the very end. This is really a cautionary tale about a deceptive husband who was willing to put his wife through hell on earth for his own profit and gain. Thank you for sharing. May God bless you!
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Deception is a lovely short story of intrigue, mystery, subterfuge and pain. This was a story that had my attention from the very beginning to the very end. This is really a cautionary tale about a deceptive husband who was willing to put his wife through hell on earth for his own profit and gain. Thank you for sharing. May God bless you!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much. Much appreciated. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Jim Lorson Sr
I am out of six stars because this story truly deserves it. Isabel thinks her husband will be home sometime during the day. But that came to an end when her doorbell rang at 7:30 am and it was the police. They were there to Bing her the bad news that her husband Christian was killed in a car accident. Then at the morgue, the body on the slab wasn't Christian.
He did a great job of getting a new ID and heading into a world he will not be known. Ulla, this is an excellent contest entry and I wish you good luck my friend,,,,,,,Jim
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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I am out of six stars because this story truly deserves it. Isabel thinks her husband will be home sometime during the day. But that came to an end when her doorbell rang at 7:30 am and it was the police. They were there to Bing her the bad news that her husband Christian was killed in a car accident. Then at the morgue, the body on the slab wasn't Christian.
He did a great job of getting a new ID and heading into a world he will not be known. Ulla, this is an excellent contest entry and I wish you good luck my friend,,,,,,,Jim
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Jim, thanks a lot for the great review. I've made a few edits and I hope it reads even better. The plot is spot on now. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Wabigoon
Ulla--
My rather slow working brain does not, as you say about my writing, work in these ways. However, even I can see that Christian's plan is really badly flawed. If, the body that Isabel sees is clearly not her husband's, then she knows she has been cheated, hoodwinked. Doesn't matter what the police think. Christian...WILL or should never be safe from her, if I know anything about wronged women. So, on that level, the story does not hold, despite the fact this is not how I think about "crime."
I think, for its perfection, I might have given this a six, but don't have any. Incidentally, I am going to complain to Tom about this. Sixes are gone, basically after Sunday, so why the hell post anything? How about 3 on Sunday and three on Wednesday?
Good story, but, according to what I know about the mystery genre it does not hold up. I think Isabel should go hunting and that should be the last sentence in your story, how she's going to find the son-of-bitch Christian no matter what it takes.
Jeff
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Ulla--
My rather slow working brain does not, as you say about my writing, work in these ways. However, even I can see that Christian's plan is really badly flawed. If, the body that Isabel sees is clearly not her husband's, then she knows she has been cheated, hoodwinked. Doesn't matter what the police think. Christian...WILL or should never be safe from her, if I know anything about wronged women. So, on that level, the story does not hold, despite the fact this is not how I think about "crime."
I think, for its perfection, I might have given this a six, but don't have any. Incidentally, I am going to complain to Tom about this. Sixes are gone, basically after Sunday, so why the hell post anything? How about 3 on Sunday and three on Wednesday?
Good story, but, according to what I know about the mystery genre it does not hold up. I think Isabel should go hunting and that should be the last sentence in your story, how she's going to find the son-of-bitch Christian no matter what it takes.
Jeff
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Hi Jeff, Thanks a lot for the great review. Actually I have edited this quite a lot and now it does read both ok and the plot is spot on I think. She may still come after him mind you. Have thought about that I may build on this story. We'll see. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Ulla
= I enjoyed your story.
= Good entry for the prompt. Good luck as well.
= QUESTION = Unless I missed it, which is easy for me to do, what was the reason Christian wanted to escape his wife/old life? I don't believe you established why he went to such drastic measures to gain his new identity.
= FYI = Found some STUFF for you take a gander at.
<> Missing words???
= and was just about to stand up when the doorbell (rang, so she) went downstairs.
<> Need commas.
<> One word: every day / everyday
= She quickly put on a pair of leggings(,) [and] a cheap every[]day t-shirt(,) and (then) hurried down the stairs.
= waking up(,) the police was still standing in front of her.
= "No, no(,) it's okay(,) I think.
= Once they arrived at the huge building(,) the police officers
= Isabel looked down at the face(,) and a surge of relief
<> No comma.
= The first thing[,] she normally did,
= man and a woman(,) both wearing a police uniform.
<> Suggest restructuring of sentence to eliminate starting consecutive sentences with =SHE=
=YOURS=
The first thing, she normally did, was to enter the kitchen and start the kettle for a cup of coffee. She would then pour herself a glass of fresh juice, and grab a slice of toast with some raspberry jam. She could have done with a coffee right now.
=SUGGEST=
The first thing she normally did, was to enter the kitchen, start the kettle for a cup of coffee, pour a glass of fresh juice, and then grab a slice of toast with some raspberry jam. She could have done with a coffee right now.
<> Typo: id's / ID's
<> Change =and= to =as= within the context of this sentence.
= they had their [Id](ID)'s on the ready, [and](as) a feeling of dread swept through
<> Add comma.
<> Change =and= to =with=
= Now, she was fully awake(,) [and[(with) all thought of breakfast forgotten.
<> Add commas.
<> Change =can= to =may=
= "Mrs Morrison(,) [can](may) we come in(,) please(,) rather than stand out here.
<> Missing verbiage for smoother read.
<> Rearranging verbiage for cohesiveness of facts.
=YOURS=
Isabel went to the bathroom and slapped some cold water on her face. She felt like suffocating and looked at her reflection in the mirror, tears streaming down her swollen face.
=SUGGEST=
Isabel felt as if she were suffocating while walking into the bathroom. Tears streamed down her face while looking at her reflection in the mirror as she slapped water on her face.
<> Need comma.
<> Delete one =they=
<> Deleted unneeded/superfluous adverb.
= After some formalities(,) they brought her through a maze of corridors, and [they](then) [finally] stopped before an anonymous door.
<> For more impact, change =an= to great=
<> Need comma.
= and with [an](great) effort(,) held back the tears
<> Restructure to eliminate using two versions of =will= so close together.
=YOURS= All you'll see will be your husband's face,
=SUGGEST= All you'll see is your husband's face,
<> Spelling: antisceptic / USA: antiseptic (Not sure, it could be a UK spelling)??
<> Restructure for cohesive thoughts.
=YOURS=
They entered a hapless room permeated by an antisceptic smell, and the shape of a body covered in a sheet met her eyes.
=SUGGEST=
They entered a hapless room, permeated with an antiseptic smell, where the sight of a body lying covered with in a sheet, met her eyes.
<> Corrected punctuation. End of sentence: change comma to period.
<> When asking permission, use =may= NOT =can=
<> Need to separate medical assistant from her.
=YOURS=
The medical assistant, who stood next to the body bowed his head in respect. "Can I remove the sheet?" Isabel nodded, the two police constables watching her,
=SUGGEST=
The medical assistant, who stood next to the body, bowed his head in respect. "May I remove the sheet?"
Isabel nodded, while the two police constables watched her.
<> In this sentence, WENT reads as if the the SHEET was doing the action.
<> Need comma.
=YOURS= As the sheet went back a handsome face appeared
=SUGGEST= = As the sheet was pulled back, a handsome face appeared
<> Delete unneeded =that=
<> Spelling: visualise / USA: visualize (Not sure, it could be a UK spelling)??
= It would be about this time [that] she would discover [that] the body
= He could just visualise all hell breaking loose.
= the company a while ago(,) after he'd found the fraudster who'd provided him with a total new identity.
<> Try limiting unneeded usage of = that=
<> Need commas.
= arrange the accident(,) and a body, so [that](it) wouldn't be a problem. From now on(,) he would live in comfort for the rest of his life(,) and without the bitch.
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Hi, Ulla
= I enjoyed your story.
= Good entry for the prompt. Good luck as well.
= QUESTION = Unless I missed it, which is easy for me to do, what was the reason Christian wanted to escape his wife/old life? I don't believe you established why he went to such drastic measures to gain his new identity.
= FYI = Found some STUFF for you take a gander at.
<> Missing words???
= and was just about to stand up when the doorbell (rang, so she) went downstairs.
<> Need commas.
<> One word: every day / everyday
= She quickly put on a pair of leggings(,) [and] a cheap every[]day t-shirt(,) and (then) hurried down the stairs.
= waking up(,) the police was still standing in front of her.
= "No, no(,) it's okay(,) I think.
= Once they arrived at the huge building(,) the police officers
= Isabel looked down at the face(,) and a surge of relief
<> No comma.
= The first thing[,] she normally did,
= man and a woman(,) both wearing a police uniform.
<> Suggest restructuring of sentence to eliminate starting consecutive sentences with =SHE=
=YOURS=
The first thing, she normally did, was to enter the kitchen and start the kettle for a cup of coffee. She would then pour herself a glass of fresh juice, and grab a slice of toast with some raspberry jam. She could have done with a coffee right now.
=SUGGEST=
The first thing she normally did, was to enter the kitchen, start the kettle for a cup of coffee, pour a glass of fresh juice, and then grab a slice of toast with some raspberry jam. She could have done with a coffee right now.
<> Typo: id's / ID's
<> Change =and= to =as= within the context of this sentence.
= they had their [Id](ID)'s on the ready, [and](as) a feeling of dread swept through
<> Add comma.
<> Change =and= to =with=
= Now, she was fully awake(,) [and[(with) all thought of breakfast forgotten.
<> Add commas.
<> Change =can= to =may=
= "Mrs Morrison(,) [can](may) we come in(,) please(,) rather than stand out here.
<> Missing verbiage for smoother read.
<> Rearranging verbiage for cohesiveness of facts.
=YOURS=
Isabel went to the bathroom and slapped some cold water on her face. She felt like suffocating and looked at her reflection in the mirror, tears streaming down her swollen face.
=SUGGEST=
Isabel felt as if she were suffocating while walking into the bathroom. Tears streamed down her face while looking at her reflection in the mirror as she slapped water on her face.
<> Need comma.
<> Delete one =they=
<> Deleted unneeded/superfluous adverb.
= After some formalities(,) they brought her through a maze of corridors, and [they](then) [finally] stopped before an anonymous door.
<> For more impact, change =an= to great=
<> Need comma.
= and with [an](great) effort(,) held back the tears
<> Restructure to eliminate using two versions of =will= so close together.
=YOURS= All you'll see will be your husband's face,
=SUGGEST= All you'll see is your husband's face,
<> Spelling: antisceptic / USA: antiseptic (Not sure, it could be a UK spelling)??
<> Restructure for cohesive thoughts.
=YOURS=
They entered a hapless room permeated by an antisceptic smell, and the shape of a body covered in a sheet met her eyes.
=SUGGEST=
They entered a hapless room, permeated with an antiseptic smell, where the sight of a body lying covered with in a sheet, met her eyes.
<> Corrected punctuation. End of sentence: change comma to period.
<> When asking permission, use =may= NOT =can=
<> Need to separate medical assistant from her.
=YOURS=
The medical assistant, who stood next to the body bowed his head in respect. "Can I remove the sheet?" Isabel nodded, the two police constables watching her,
=SUGGEST=
The medical assistant, who stood next to the body, bowed his head in respect. "May I remove the sheet?"
Isabel nodded, while the two police constables watched her.
<> In this sentence, WENT reads as if the the SHEET was doing the action.
<> Need comma.
=YOURS= As the sheet went back a handsome face appeared
=SUGGEST= = As the sheet was pulled back, a handsome face appeared
<> Delete unneeded =that=
<> Spelling: visualise / USA: visualize (Not sure, it could be a UK spelling)??
= It would be about this time [that] she would discover [that] the body
= He could just visualise all hell breaking loose.
= the company a while ago(,) after he'd found the fraudster who'd provided him with a total new identity.
<> Try limiting unneeded usage of = that=
<> Need commas.
= arrange the accident(,) and a body, so [that](it) wouldn't be a problem. From now on(,) he would live in comfort for the rest of his life(,) and without the bitch.
(*<*) A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-Down (*>*)
Cheers & Blessings ... Jacqueline ~ Jackie ~ Jax
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 12-Jun-2016
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Hi Jax, thanks a lot for yet another great review and the time you take to help me out. I've made all corrections. I found this tough to write and almost gave up, but I was determined. I've edited since you read it and the plot is the same, but so much more believable. I've just added a few things and taken away others. Not much, but makes it better now. Phew, this was a hard nut to crack.I'm going to nominate you, but not sure if I can as I did it a little while ago. I'll see in a minute. Thanks again for helping me out. All best. Ulla:)))
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=You are more than welcome.
=I enjoy working with peeps who appreciate my passing on what I've learned. (*<*)
Comment from Mabaker
Well Australia doesn't want you Mister! What a great little story. You set it well, and you delivered even better. Great effort. I hope you did/do well in the contest. Great writing! Sincerely Anne (Mabaker)
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Well Australia doesn't want you Mister! What a great little story. You set it well, and you delivered even better. Great effort. I hope you did/do well in the contest. Great writing! Sincerely Anne (Mabaker)
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 13-Jun-2016
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Thanks a lot Anne. I've made some edits and it seems to read better now. Doing ok so far but still more days to go in the contest. We'll see. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Mary Wakeford
I absolutely hate it when told, I wish I had a six...but here I am doing It! Such a great read, full of nuances that seem so familiar to any of us from morning ritual to the dreaded very early (or very late) calling by police.
And the ending...just leaving us hanging! Awesome read!
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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I absolutely hate it when told, I wish I had a six...but here I am doing It! Such a great read, full of nuances that seem so familiar to any of us from morning ritual to the dreaded very early (or very late) calling by police.
And the ending...just leaving us hanging! Awesome read!
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
-
Thanks a lot for this great review. I managed to tweak the ending a bit before the contest started making the whole plot even more believable. Thanks again. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from P1
hey this is really good well thought through and
executed. i like the way she reacted in the morgue
and him flying off to australia. really good use of the
provided words. good luck in the contest xx
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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hey this is really good well thought through and
executed. i like the way she reacted in the morgue
and him flying off to australia. really good use of the
provided words. good luck in the contest xx
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
-
Thank you so much for this great review. I managed to edit before the contest started and I think it reads better. Good luck to you as well with your very good story, which I've just reviewed.. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from jusylee72
I enjoyed this. So he isn't dead. We will see where he goes next. I checked you got all the required words in. The ending is unexpected. I feel sadness for her because she is shedding tears. i wonder when those tears will turn to anger.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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I enjoyed this. So he isn't dead. We will see where he goes next. I checked you got all the required words in. The ending is unexpected. I feel sadness for her because she is shedding tears. i wonder when those tears will turn to anger.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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Thanks so much, Judy. I'm so glad you enjoyed it. All the best. Ulla:)))
Comment from MTF1955
This is a very good chapter. The early morning light spilled into the bedroom leaving the walls( covered) in a soft sheen.
She swung her legs out of the bed and sat upright, and was just about to stand up. (Don't think you need the up) I have to be strong, not only for me, but for Christian.' (But if Christian is dead,he wouldn't know. Just a little confused about this line.)
'Here we come Australia!' (If it's only Christian going, maybe here I come Australia) Great Job. Mary
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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This is a very good chapter. The early morning light spilled into the bedroom leaving the walls( covered) in a soft sheen.
She swung her legs out of the bed and sat upright, and was just about to stand up. (Don't think you need the up) I have to be strong, not only for me, but for Christian.' (But if Christian is dead,he wouldn't know. Just a little confused about this line.)
'Here we come Australia!' (If it's only Christian going, maybe here I come Australia) Great Job. Mary
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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Hi Mary, thanks a lot for your great review. I have made the change and some more, The plot is much more believable now. I'm glad you liked it. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment from Mastery
Hi, Ulla Good story with a brilliant plot, my friend. The summation was a bit rushed but this is flash fistion after all.
Suggestion: Rewrite this part were I you: "As she gradually came to, Isabel marvelled at the antique furniture she adored, and which always made her think of her aunt. The aunt she'd loved like a mother, and whose legacy now surrounded her. Well, she'd better get a move on to be ready for Christian coming back home."
As she slowly awoke, shelooked around and marvelled at the antique furniture she adored. It always made her think of her aunt who she loved like a mother. The aunt whose legacy dominated her bedroom. (in italics now) I'd better get a move on, Christian is coming back home today.
Also: "just about to stand up when the doorbell went downstairs." (when the doorbell downstairs rang.)
And: This should be in italics as it is a thought. Unless you want to add "she thought" to it. If you need help making things in italics let me know it is easy and I will help.
And: " both wearing a police uniform. (both wearing police uniforms)
And: "that the body on the slap in the morgue" (slab in the morgue)
Good luck in the contest, my friend.
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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Hi, Ulla Good story with a brilliant plot, my friend. The summation was a bit rushed but this is flash fistion after all.
Suggestion: Rewrite this part were I you: "As she gradually came to, Isabel marvelled at the antique furniture she adored, and which always made her think of her aunt. The aunt she'd loved like a mother, and whose legacy now surrounded her. Well, she'd better get a move on to be ready for Christian coming back home."
As she slowly awoke, shelooked around and marvelled at the antique furniture she adored. It always made her think of her aunt who she loved like a mother. The aunt whose legacy dominated her bedroom. (in italics now) I'd better get a move on, Christian is coming back home today.
Also: "just about to stand up when the doorbell went downstairs." (when the doorbell downstairs rang.)
And: This should be in italics as it is a thought. Unless you want to add "she thought" to it. If you need help making things in italics let me know it is easy and I will help.
And: " both wearing a police uniform. (both wearing police uniforms)
And: "that the body on the slap in the morgue" (slab in the morgue)
Good luck in the contest, my friend.
Comment Written 11-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 14-Jun-2016
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Hi Bob, thanks for your great review and comments. I made the corrections and some more on the way. I've also tweaked the ending so now the plot is really believable. I think it reads much better now. All the best. Ulla:)))
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Hi, Ulla. Here is a little secret for you. before you post anything take it into a room all by yourself with no distractions. then read your piece OUT LOUD and listen to it. You will be surprised what you will change. LOL..It works.
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Thank you for that tip, Bob. I'll try that. Ulla:)))
