THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "Let the Seduction Begin"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
36 total reviews
Comment from JTStone
Jay
I got busy on other projects, sorry I'm late, but damn, I'm glad I didn't miss this. (Saving the six for the next segment I'm going to read next. This one definitely deserves one.)
So, the carved creatures in the ceiling are watching...I have been waiting for you to bring up their meaning.
As always your stories are a feast of words that create a vivid picture in the minds of your readers. This was one of the most brilliantly written love scenes. The attention to detail as much as the erotic imagery. The fact that Pondria was concerned about Axtilla's tears. Her moment of worry over his dreams. It's those brief pauses in the action that bring the story from fantasy to realistic.
As always, it was a tremendous investment of my time, reading your story.
Thanks Jay, you're an awesome writer.
Jimmy
PS Axtilla, is that name supposed to be read in Spanish, cuz I always do. (ah-Ti-ah)
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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Jay
I got busy on other projects, sorry I'm late, but damn, I'm glad I didn't miss this. (Saving the six for the next segment I'm going to read next. This one definitely deserves one.)
So, the carved creatures in the ceiling are watching...I have been waiting for you to bring up their meaning.
As always your stories are a feast of words that create a vivid picture in the minds of your readers. This was one of the most brilliantly written love scenes. The attention to detail as much as the erotic imagery. The fact that Pondria was concerned about Axtilla's tears. Her moment of worry over his dreams. It's those brief pauses in the action that bring the story from fantasy to realistic.
As always, it was a tremendous investment of my time, reading your story.
Thanks Jay, you're an awesome writer.
Jimmy
PS Axtilla, is that name supposed to be read in Spanish, cuz I always do. (ah-Ti-ah)
Comment Written 21-May-2016
reply by the author on 21-May-2016
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So difficult to have the words to thank you. Your reviews are always over-the-top. Don't ever worry about sixes with my chapters. No, Axtilla, in my mind has the "X" sounded, as in Ox-TILL-uh. Again, thanks so much, Jimmy.
Comment from Gone but not forgotten
Amazing! Erotic and sensual and yummy and wow! I very much enjoyed every word and despite having come in on Chapter 30, I delightedly followed the story without worrying about what happened before...or after! Great work!
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Amazing! Erotic and sensual and yummy and wow! I very much enjoyed every word and despite having come in on Chapter 30, I delightedly followed the story without worrying about what happened before...or after! Great work!
Comment Written 16-May-2016
reply by the author on 16-May-2016
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Thank you, Wordcraft, for your kind words and generous rating. I had a difficult time writing this scene, since the Fantasy trilogy is marketed to the YA audience. I think "damn" was used twice in about 1000 pages and only hinted-at sex. I pulled out a few stops for this, knowing in the final edit I'll have to cut substantially. Thanks for reading, and good luck with your writing.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hi, Jay,
I read through this lovely, intimate chapter between Pondria and Axtillia, very well-played, keeping with the line and tone of the book and satisfying all us peepers who want to be sitting in during these two's bedroom moment with camera's and ticker-tape streamers and clapping and all sorts of fun. You took your time, kept a steady pace forward while appreciating the finer details, giving texture and personality and realism and awkward tension, and heartfull anticipation. I thought this was solid stuff; My male once asked me why girls bother reading romance novels, and I honestly couldn't have answered him until I discovered the difference between hot and romantical. If I could bottle and sell the chemical reaction when the line up of certain stars... characters and scenerios and moments, done in the correct order, happen, well it's a pretty nifty thing. People tend to look at me funny when I bother describing it so I've come to just assume it's some sort of uterus spasm or something that causes some sharp-pleasing kind of not sexual pleasure-ache. Yeah, I might be describing it all wrong because even other girls look at me funny, when I try. So I felt a twinge, and that's a good indication of doing something right in my opinion. The rest is me poking at things because I can't help myself but there isn't anything in this chapter that really needs much changing. I really enjoyed this.
This former General's hands never shook in battle as they did now. (very romantic, having his anticipation/ nerves showing through... really great timing too, I say)
I took a slow, quiet inhale and aimed my breath's release to the floor[,]? while I managed to unlatch the top one.
I hoped I kept my breath's intake to myself when I glimpsed the shadowed underside of her breast before her arm reactively pressed to her side. (paused here to think about something, I think it was wondering about breaking the movement of her arm to a new sentence, but not a big stop)
in jerks and I was certain {just}(even)? a casual glance would have revealed to her the
Only later would I recall, for that eternal instant, with her gown {now}(then)? gathered
his first conquest before {I drew back into} my maturity (returned?)(,)? and (I)? gazed
(paused)
feeling the pulse at the sides her throat. (as in thumb to thumb? odd. Or ... is there an important significance to the thumbs together? If not, maybe omit the thumbs together?)
Lifting her onto the bed, (I found) her lightness amazed me.
(modifier made me pause... might be dangling... might need...)
"It's like the creatures are watching us," she murmured and after
(I feel suddenly like I'm one of the a watching creatures! Nice way to pull me into the story like the creepy peepers that readers really are. No privacy, you two... we are totally watching. ; D)
whisper her name, but the sudden pressure of her {mouth against mine} (kiss)?, and the briny sweetness of her lips and
They searched and tasted, teased and promised, communicating an inexhaustible lexicon. (nice job here!)
Strands of hair (lay)? pasted to her forehead, and through them
(felt like a verb was missing)
swallowed. "Are you sure--?"
(I really liked the rutting dog aspect and his introspection on her inexperience... though after a certain point, I like that some of Axtilla also reflects... after a certain point, there's a sense of... let's get on with this.)
A really strong chapter. I will admit, sometimes I get tangled in the play by play details... right arm doing exactly this or that, thumbs together... specifics, but I think it's because I have trouble with certain details. It's that conundrum of: The boy reached out with his left arm and curled his fingers under the handle of the car door. With thirteen newtons of force, he lifted the latch and pulled. == The boy opened the car door. Sometimes ... every so once and awhile, I want to say to leave the simple how details for the reader to fill in the blanks, if it isn't critical, not too far away for the details, though, because I think that's a strength of yours, too.
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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Hi, Jay,
I read through this lovely, intimate chapter between Pondria and Axtillia, very well-played, keeping with the line and tone of the book and satisfying all us peepers who want to be sitting in during these two's bedroom moment with camera's and ticker-tape streamers and clapping and all sorts of fun. You took your time, kept a steady pace forward while appreciating the finer details, giving texture and personality and realism and awkward tension, and heartfull anticipation. I thought this was solid stuff; My male once asked me why girls bother reading romance novels, and I honestly couldn't have answered him until I discovered the difference between hot and romantical. If I could bottle and sell the chemical reaction when the line up of certain stars... characters and scenerios and moments, done in the correct order, happen, well it's a pretty nifty thing. People tend to look at me funny when I bother describing it so I've come to just assume it's some sort of uterus spasm or something that causes some sharp-pleasing kind of not sexual pleasure-ache. Yeah, I might be describing it all wrong because even other girls look at me funny, when I try. So I felt a twinge, and that's a good indication of doing something right in my opinion. The rest is me poking at things because I can't help myself but there isn't anything in this chapter that really needs much changing. I really enjoyed this.
This former General's hands never shook in battle as they did now. (very romantic, having his anticipation/ nerves showing through... really great timing too, I say)
I took a slow, quiet inhale and aimed my breath's release to the floor[,]? while I managed to unlatch the top one.
I hoped I kept my breath's intake to myself when I glimpsed the shadowed underside of her breast before her arm reactively pressed to her side. (paused here to think about something, I think it was wondering about breaking the movement of her arm to a new sentence, but not a big stop)
in jerks and I was certain {just}(even)? a casual glance would have revealed to her the
Only later would I recall, for that eternal instant, with her gown {now}(then)? gathered
his first conquest before {I drew back into} my maturity (returned?)(,)? and (I)? gazed
(paused)
feeling the pulse at the sides her throat. (as in thumb to thumb? odd. Or ... is there an important significance to the thumbs together? If not, maybe omit the thumbs together?)
Lifting her onto the bed, (I found) her lightness amazed me.
(modifier made me pause... might be dangling... might need...)
"It's like the creatures are watching us," she murmured and after
(I feel suddenly like I'm one of the a watching creatures! Nice way to pull me into the story like the creepy peepers that readers really are. No privacy, you two... we are totally watching. ; D)
whisper her name, but the sudden pressure of her {mouth against mine} (kiss)?, and the briny sweetness of her lips and
They searched and tasted, teased and promised, communicating an inexhaustible lexicon. (nice job here!)
Strands of hair (lay)? pasted to her forehead, and through them
(felt like a verb was missing)
swallowed. "Are you sure--?"
(I really liked the rutting dog aspect and his introspection on her inexperience... though after a certain point, I like that some of Axtilla also reflects... after a certain point, there's a sense of... let's get on with this.)
A really strong chapter. I will admit, sometimes I get tangled in the play by play details... right arm doing exactly this or that, thumbs together... specifics, but I think it's because I have trouble with certain details. It's that conundrum of: The boy reached out with his left arm and curled his fingers under the handle of the car door. With thirteen newtons of force, he lifted the latch and pulled. == The boy opened the car door. Sometimes ... every so once and awhile, I want to say to leave the simple how details for the reader to fill in the blanks, if it isn't critical, not too far away for the details, though, because I think that's a strength of yours, too.
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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I always look forward to your input on my chapters. I'm glad you caught the feeling of slow, almost tauntingly slow, deliberateness to the readiness for the lovemaking. I had an awful time trying to get it just right, which is why it took an extra week before I could post it. I will take another look at those thumbs and a few of the other things you mentioned--especially your last paragraph. Being wordy certainly wasn't one of my intentions.
Comment from barkingdog
Damn, Jay. Are you sure that you don't write Romance Novels?
This was Hot. Hot. White hot.
Your stirred me ... I'm off to find some chocolate. Like I said--hot!
I fell into your fantastic descriptions:
- I felt rapturously trapped like an insect in the amber of her eyes
-the briny sweetness of her lips and breath made words not simply extraneous, but a clutter.
-She scowled, but instantly her face transformed with a lusty laugh, and in one swift movement, she brought her arm between us, found and positioned that rutting part of me, and with a thrust of her hips, rammed me into the heat of her.
Too bad this isn't in a contest.
:) e
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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Damn, Jay. Are you sure that you don't write Romance Novels?
This was Hot. Hot. White hot.
Your stirred me ... I'm off to find some chocolate. Like I said--hot!
I fell into your fantastic descriptions:
- I felt rapturously trapped like an insect in the amber of her eyes
-the briny sweetness of her lips and breath made words not simply extraneous, but a clutter.
-She scowled, but instantly her face transformed with a lusty laugh, and in one swift movement, she brought her arm between us, found and positioned that rutting part of me, and with a thrust of her hips, rammed me into the heat of her.
Too bad this isn't in a contest.
:) e
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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You are so kind, Ellen. I wish you could have seen the hell I went through writing this. It was not fun at all. Bless you for your generous rating and thoughts.
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Romantic scenes are the hardest to write without going into the pornographic. At least that's my problem. I'd rather write a murder. haha
Comment from write hand blue
Hi Jay. A masterly write again my friend, you take the reader on a compulsive reading journey as we witness this sensual seduction scene.
I like the reference to, 'an insect in her amber eyes,' this and other descriptions makes your work stand out.
I could see no faults in this entertaining read... ~Mel~
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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Hi Jay. A masterly write again my friend, you take the reader on a compulsive reading journey as we witness this sensual seduction scene.
I like the reference to, 'an insect in her amber eyes,' this and other descriptions makes your work stand out.
I could see no faults in this entertaining read... ~Mel~
Comment Written 12-May-2016
reply by the author on 13-May-2016
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Many, many huge thank you's, Mel. I appreciate your words and certainly your rating to back them up.
Comment from Walter L. Jones
The writer takes us, the creature report, the mind flies, the outcome, need to read on, a smile and a bit more, for you are on the verge, travel, a experience of age, and where do we go from here, let the battle begin, for the war or the heart, the writer leads, enjoyed, thank you, Walt
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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The writer takes us, the creature report, the mind flies, the outcome, need to read on, a smile and a bit more, for you are on the verge, travel, a experience of age, and where do we go from here, let the battle begin, for the war or the heart, the writer leads, enjoyed, thank you, Walt
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Many thanks, Walt. I'm so privileged to have you reading my novel, especially since the end is in sight. Appreciate the six.
Comment from boxergirl
Hi Jay,
You said let the seduction begin and man, did it ever. Masterfully written play by play moments between the two lovers. I appreciated the humor of Axtilla's impatience in the end. :-)
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Hi Jay,
You said let the seduction begin and man, did it ever. Masterfully written play by play moments between the two lovers. I appreciated the humor of Axtilla's impatience in the end. :-)
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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So glad you enjoyed this, Karen. It was not the easiest chapter for me to write, and when I prepare the book for publication (self or other), I have to pare down the love scene since my target market is the YA genre.
Comment from Reedblitzerman
[Does that mean I'm the--the--"] Jay, nice opening, not completing the sentence, holding the suspense. I was trying to figure out what he was talking about all the way to the end of the chapter. I'm not always quick with these things.
[the ridges of her uncovered ear looked delicately pink, like a shell.] Nice description. Very unusual. Your inner eye at work. I could see this one. I probably re-read that single line 4-5 times. It could have been stolen from something by Anthony Doerr.
Are you going to tell us what she smells like? It seems they all smell differently. Sometimes can be quite enchanting, even without perfume (maybe they were wearing perfume and I just couldn't tell the difference, very likely.) Great descriptions, though. And classy. It didn't sound exploitative, though I did feel like I was sneaking a look through a window (sort of like the scene in Adaptation with Meryl Streep. If you haven't seen it I won't spoil it for you.) or maybe watching over Pondria's shoulder.
[ "Oh! It's tickly and exciting." ] I like this sequence. It makes them sound a little bit like teenagers. You know, the excitement of young love and all that. The purity before mortgages and bartering.
[but instantly her face transformed with a lusty laugh] Um yeah, that does seem very accurate. That's about how it goes. I could almost hear her.
Pondria is quite the romantic. Or at least the feeling I got from this. It feels almost as if this could have been a scene from an 80's movie with Olivia Newton John playing "Xanadu" in the background. Or maybe a love some by the Maroon5. Very light. Very loving. Very pure. So in their own way they are innocents? Did I read that right?
Excellent chapter.
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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[Does that mean I'm the--the--"] Jay, nice opening, not completing the sentence, holding the suspense. I was trying to figure out what he was talking about all the way to the end of the chapter. I'm not always quick with these things.
[the ridges of her uncovered ear looked delicately pink, like a shell.] Nice description. Very unusual. Your inner eye at work. I could see this one. I probably re-read that single line 4-5 times. It could have been stolen from something by Anthony Doerr.
Are you going to tell us what she smells like? It seems they all smell differently. Sometimes can be quite enchanting, even without perfume (maybe they were wearing perfume and I just couldn't tell the difference, very likely.) Great descriptions, though. And classy. It didn't sound exploitative, though I did feel like I was sneaking a look through a window (sort of like the scene in Adaptation with Meryl Streep. If you haven't seen it I won't spoil it for you.) or maybe watching over Pondria's shoulder.
[ "Oh! It's tickly and exciting." ] I like this sequence. It makes them sound a little bit like teenagers. You know, the excitement of young love and all that. The purity before mortgages and bartering.
[but instantly her face transformed with a lusty laugh] Um yeah, that does seem very accurate. That's about how it goes. I could almost hear her.
Pondria is quite the romantic. Or at least the feeling I got from this. It feels almost as if this could have been a scene from an 80's movie with Olivia Newton John playing "Xanadu" in the background. Or maybe a love some by the Maroon5. Very light. Very loving. Very pure. So in their own way they are innocents? Did I read that right?
Excellent chapter.
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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Hey, Reed, thanks for the generous rating and the kindness. Your first reference was from the end of the last chapter. That was why it was in green. I went back after your review and added, "AND NOW ..." before the new chapter began. Very good point about bringing the sense of smell into play. And she is a gassy little broad. Seriously, though, I'll include that in the next edit.
"The purity before mortgages and bartering." Love it!
You read it very right indeed. I had a devil of a time writing this chapter and keeping it out of the soft porn. I have to go back in the final edit and temper it down some since it's marketed to the YA genre.
Comment from F. Wehr3
That's what I'm talking about! Nicely done scene! You have the patience to pull off a slow moving, loving, and natural scene. I was engrossed with your level of detail and descriptions. Great, simply great!
Take care,
Russell
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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That's what I'm talking about! Nicely done scene! You have the patience to pull off a slow moving, loving, and natural scene. I was engrossed with your level of detail and descriptions. Great, simply great!
Take care,
Russell
Comment Written 11-May-2016
reply by the author on 12-May-2016
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I'm glad you noticed the intentional slow movement building in the scene. Pondria was trying to move it even slower at the end. He wanted so much for it to be "right". You'll see why this was deliberate, some two or three chapters hence. Geez, Russell, thanks so much for the six. I'm honored you liked it.
Comment from marion
Hi Jay
Nice to read a chapter of your work again. I always enjoy it.
Some comments, take or leave - as usual!
The back of her neck flushed and the ridges of her uncovered ear looked delicately pink, like a shell. (lovely description/feeling - I'd take out the now exposed - telling) we know that because she has pulled her hair over her shoulder.)
breathless syllables. (I'd drop breathless as we have had a session on breathing already ...) Breathing doesn't need to be mentioned again or it gets overdone)
I hoped I kept my breath's intake (again! The word breath! What about 'I sucked in'
or something similar. 'I inhaled' 'I gasped' ....
her gown's top tumbled over her breasts. (you don't need the words top) (the gown tumbled over her breasts - of course it is the top!) (you say in a few lines that it drops to her waist and that reinforces everything anyway...
I suggest you are being over wordy and therefore sometimes taking away the effect of what we are feeling in this first portion of the love scene.
Nice!
I felt rapturously trapped like an insect in the amber of her eyes as I reached out and placed my palms, thumbs together, above her breasts, my forefingers feeling the pulse at the sides her throat.
I find the second half of the story much better, no so jumbled with words and detail that you don't really need. Much easier to read.
Hope I have been of some help.
Marion
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Hi Jay
Nice to read a chapter of your work again. I always enjoy it.
Some comments, take or leave - as usual!
The back of her neck flushed and the ridges of her uncovered ear looked delicately pink, like a shell. (lovely description/feeling - I'd take out the now exposed - telling) we know that because she has pulled her hair over her shoulder.)
breathless syllables. (I'd drop breathless as we have had a session on breathing already ...) Breathing doesn't need to be mentioned again or it gets overdone)
I hoped I kept my breath's intake (again! The word breath! What about 'I sucked in'
or something similar. 'I inhaled' 'I gasped' ....
her gown's top tumbled over her breasts. (you don't need the words top) (the gown tumbled over her breasts - of course it is the top!) (you say in a few lines that it drops to her waist and that reinforces everything anyway...
I suggest you are being over wordy and therefore sometimes taking away the effect of what we are feeling in this first portion of the love scene.
Nice!
I felt rapturously trapped like an insect in the amber of her eyes as I reached out and placed my palms, thumbs together, above her breasts, my forefingers feeling the pulse at the sides her throat.
I find the second half of the story much better, no so jumbled with words and detail that you don't really need. Much easier to read.
Hope I have been of some help.
Marion
Comment Written 10-May-2016
reply by the author on 10-May-2016
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Hey, Marion ... There's a lot of meat here. I'm pasting it to my folder so I can do it justice after promotion ends. Some excellent points. Did you ever get a chance to read my "The Uneven Zen of Time" in the Fabula Argentea Literary magazine. I believe I mentioned it to you a long time ago full knowing how busy you are.
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No I didn't read it ... is the story on FS as I don't know of this magazine here in NZ. I will if you send me a link or tell me how far back to look in FS.
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Here's the link. Don't feel it's something you should do if you don't have the time. It was on FS, but I pulled it when I started shopping it around.
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Ooops, the link: http://www.fabulaargentea.com/
