THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "The Grand Performance For Kyre?"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
35 total reviews
Comment from tuscer02
This chapter of the story is very interestingly written. The hesitation of the characters to get together is handled well and although I have not read any previous chapters I found it easy to read and it kept my attention throughout.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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This chapter of the story is very interestingly written. The hesitation of the characters to get together is handled well and although I have not read any previous chapters I found it easy to read and it kept my attention throughout.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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Thanks so much for the six stars, Tuscer02. I'm happy you were able to enjoy this, though late in the process.
Comment from A.R. Curry
Refreshingly well written and entertaining. I feel I've missed a lot, seeing as how I'm jumping in midway through the book. I'd say you overuse ( -- ) and that you have a couple small errors, but otherwise job well done!
Example: "Do--do you feel him here?" She asked.
(She) should be (she)
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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Refreshingly well written and entertaining. I feel I've missed a lot, seeing as how I'm jumping in midway through the book. I'd say you overuse ( -- ) and that you have a couple small errors, but otherwise job well done!
Example: "Do--do you feel him here?" She asked.
(She) should be (she)
Comment Written 27-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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I put the "S" int he lower case, thanks to you. Much appreciate it. I'm happy you enjoyed reading this.
Comment from Khamelink
I thought this was well written. I'm intrigued and curious about what happens next. Good job. I did notice a couple of things.
In the second paragraph did you mean gawk instead of gawp?
And, and then there was the general.
On this line I would change the comma to ... It is just a suggestion but I think it would read better.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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I thought this was well written. I'm intrigued and curious about what happens next. Good job. I did notice a couple of things.
In the second paragraph did you mean gawk instead of gawp?
And, and then there was the general.
On this line I would change the comma to ... It is just a suggestion but I think it would read better.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Gawp is another word for staring intently (and I interpolate rather stupidly).
I'll think about the comma question. I know if it didn't have the other "and" after it, it would be a grammatical error. I'm also so keenly aware, though, that I use a lot of ellipses.
But, I'm happy you pointed it out, as I am the rest of your kind remarks.
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Thank you for letting me know what gawp was. I was not aware.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, you paint a vivid scene, a bit of past mystery intertwine with longing of withheld passion, all that works in a man's mind not to go too far and ruin the moment. Excellent.
And congrats on the BOM nomination.
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Hmm, you paint a vivid scene, a bit of past mystery intertwine with longing of withheld passion, all that works in a man's mind not to go too far and ruin the moment. Excellent.
And congrats on the BOM nomination.
Comment Written 27-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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How long can I extend the moment. I'm thinking coitus interruptus. LOL, thanks Lance for the six and the lovely words.
Comment from --Turtle.
: D
Now, Jay... you get no kudos from me on being tasteful with your cut to a fireplace lovemaking moment; long awaited between Pondria_Doctrex_Vicktor_General and Axtilla. As I'm a girl who enjoys a good Chika-chicka-bow-wow, ; ) But as it goes, man throws woman into an urgent clasping in eachothers arms tilt and gives her a fade to fireplace kissing goes, I really enjoyed this scene and the interaction between Pondria and Axtilla, the bits of plot information, reflection and forward arrows all merged nicely. I went with six stars because I've been anticipating getting to see the scene and my eyes were glued as I read, a big moment for these two. (and any comments I make, well I can't help myself I give you the thoughts I had along the way through this chapter)
My desire churned in my belly.
(I like, this, the tangible sort of still waiting and she's right there! Go get her! Exciting fun.)
What force, then, restrained me from leaping from the chair [and](,)? racing toward her, and {out of my}(with)? zeal, perhaps even arriving at the bed ahead of her?
(paused here)
"Do--do you feel him here?" She asked. (she asked.)
(typo?)
"Wings?" she asked[,] with astonishment attending the lift of her
(suggest delete comma)
me. After all, Kyre was her God.
(strong follow up on her physical cue... does well to transition to help remind the reader why she would be looking at Pondria with narrowed eyes ... when they could be 'come hither' eyes.
(I like the use of forcing Pondria to sit leads to this needed discussion between them, my attention was fixed here...
for emphasis. "I want you--" A sob clutched at my throat. I
(I really like the multiple ... I don't even know who I'm rooting for, Doctrex, Vicktor, the General, Pondria... it's like I believed him to be all of them and still ... and I think you've done well to suspend my disbelief on all of them... and now he's Pondria. The major common factor is wanting Axtilla... united in that important factor and She's right there... all dressed pretty, doors locked... start music...)
"Schizophrenic. There
(I can't help but wonder if this is a foreshadowing of some kind, but it's noted in my mind for later)
I shook my head again. "I don't--"
(But my, Pondria is stubborn. (I like the back and forth, insistence and resistance here, between them, nice flow easy to hear.. I like that they keep their own voices to me)
loved in Doctrex and that I love now in Pondria."
(I'm probably out in left field, did Vicktor split into two, before all melting down back into one... oh the physical 'I' of the group of them, it makes my brain tingle as I watch them interact, thinking of a fractured mirror and someone looking in a fractured mirror and pointing to one of the pieces and saying ... that's me and that's me and that's me. Versus pointing to their own chest and saying, this is me... pretty neat)
And that one person must be Pondria."
(he must point to himself, not the broken mirror of him... )
Her face found its(the)? notch between my chest and shoulder, and her breath['s intermittent blasts[,]] and its spreading warmth[,] tantalized me. (for you to consider...only, I'm thinking the spreading warmth does belong to her breath... the breaking of the thought... not sure, take another look at this sentence, I tripped over it, think you could simplify blasts then there are multiple blasts of breath,)
I cradled the back of her upturned head in my palms, guiding her {opening mouth} toward me. From between the twin rows of her teeth, her tongue {darted out to moisten} her lips, then returned to nest behind the white reefs.
(I have mixed feelings here... on one hand, a passionate, long awaited kiss, I ate that right up. Love the cradling and the getting closer, and breathing her name into her mouth... all great stuff. On the other hand. To see her tongue 'dart' out past open mouthed TEETH, in my imagination, her lips are curled back out of the way, her mouth is open, that looked a little weird. mouth parting... parting lips? Her act of moistening her lips... the darting... like frog speed? If you moisten your lips with your mouth open... you have to wag your tongue around to get the job done, no? I think the combination of an open mouth and darting tongue is where my imagination got a little out of hand)
found her legs, and her body stiffened.
(That's a heck of a kiss!)
swallowed. "I thought it had passed me by."
(I really like the added intimacy/ warm sort of awkward exchange and with little bit of added humor, which I found endearing from Axtilla.)
I've been waiting to see these two together, and confirmation that she doesn't want to kill him, they are going to face Glnot, he's found his Pondria, things are looking up. Which means there's probably a monkey wrench right around the corner to trip them up...
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
|
: D
Now, Jay... you get no kudos from me on being tasteful with your cut to a fireplace lovemaking moment; long awaited between Pondria_Doctrex_Vicktor_General and Axtilla. As I'm a girl who enjoys a good Chika-chicka-bow-wow, ; ) But as it goes, man throws woman into an urgent clasping in eachothers arms tilt and gives her a fade to fireplace kissing goes, I really enjoyed this scene and the interaction between Pondria and Axtilla, the bits of plot information, reflection and forward arrows all merged nicely. I went with six stars because I've been anticipating getting to see the scene and my eyes were glued as I read, a big moment for these two. (and any comments I make, well I can't help myself I give you the thoughts I had along the way through this chapter)
My desire churned in my belly.
(I like, this, the tangible sort of still waiting and she's right there! Go get her! Exciting fun.)
What force, then, restrained me from leaping from the chair [and](,)? racing toward her, and {out of my}(with)? zeal, perhaps even arriving at the bed ahead of her?
(paused here)
"Do--do you feel him here?" She asked. (she asked.)
(typo?)
"Wings?" she asked[,] with astonishment attending the lift of her
(suggest delete comma)
me. After all, Kyre was her God.
(strong follow up on her physical cue... does well to transition to help remind the reader why she would be looking at Pondria with narrowed eyes ... when they could be 'come hither' eyes.
(I like the use of forcing Pondria to sit leads to this needed discussion between them, my attention was fixed here...
for emphasis. "I want you--" A sob clutched at my throat. I
(I really like the multiple ... I don't even know who I'm rooting for, Doctrex, Vicktor, the General, Pondria... it's like I believed him to be all of them and still ... and I think you've done well to suspend my disbelief on all of them... and now he's Pondria. The major common factor is wanting Axtilla... united in that important factor and She's right there... all dressed pretty, doors locked... start music...)
"Schizophrenic. There
(I can't help but wonder if this is a foreshadowing of some kind, but it's noted in my mind for later)
I shook my head again. "I don't--"
(But my, Pondria is stubborn. (I like the back and forth, insistence and resistance here, between them, nice flow easy to hear.. I like that they keep their own voices to me)
loved in Doctrex and that I love now in Pondria."
(I'm probably out in left field, did Vicktor split into two, before all melting down back into one... oh the physical 'I' of the group of them, it makes my brain tingle as I watch them interact, thinking of a fractured mirror and someone looking in a fractured mirror and pointing to one of the pieces and saying ... that's me and that's me and that's me. Versus pointing to their own chest and saying, this is me... pretty neat)
And that one person must be Pondria."
(he must point to himself, not the broken mirror of him... )
Her face found its(the)? notch between my chest and shoulder, and her breath['s intermittent blasts[,]] and its spreading warmth[,] tantalized me. (for you to consider...only, I'm thinking the spreading warmth does belong to her breath... the breaking of the thought... not sure, take another look at this sentence, I tripped over it, think you could simplify blasts then there are multiple blasts of breath,)
I cradled the back of her upturned head in my palms, guiding her {opening mouth} toward me. From between the twin rows of her teeth, her tongue {darted out to moisten} her lips, then returned to nest behind the white reefs.
(I have mixed feelings here... on one hand, a passionate, long awaited kiss, I ate that right up. Love the cradling and the getting closer, and breathing her name into her mouth... all great stuff. On the other hand. To see her tongue 'dart' out past open mouthed TEETH, in my imagination, her lips are curled back out of the way, her mouth is open, that looked a little weird. mouth parting... parting lips? Her act of moistening her lips... the darting... like frog speed? If you moisten your lips with your mouth open... you have to wag your tongue around to get the job done, no? I think the combination of an open mouth and darting tongue is where my imagination got a little out of hand)
found her legs, and her body stiffened.
(That's a heck of a kiss!)
swallowed. "I thought it had passed me by."
(I really like the added intimacy/ warm sort of awkward exchange and with little bit of added humor, which I found endearing from Axtilla.)
I've been waiting to see these two together, and confirmation that she doesn't want to kill him, they are going to face Glnot, he's found his Pondria, things are looking up. Which means there's probably a monkey wrench right around the corner to trip them up...
Comment Written 26-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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First of all, thanks for releasing a six from your coffers. A six from you is damn good! I'm excited. Sorry it took so long to get to commenting on your review, but It was long and rather detailed. I like to wait until the post drops before I address yours and Alex's. They are always so meaty.
Her face found the notch between my chest and shoulder, and her intermittent breaths, and its spreading warmth, tantalized me. [Is that better?]
I have some work to do on the darting tongue and her open mouth. Thanks for pointing it out to me. You can probably tell I had a devil of a time with that part of it.
I think the intermittent breaths is better than the blasts, so yes, as you have it now, I didn't trip, it's better.
as for the kiss and details, sometimes, letting certain actions stand on their own doesn't hurt. Like: she moistened her lips before parting them. I don't have to say exactly how her tongue worked for the reader to have an idea that, very likely, she used her tongue to moisten those lips. Whatever way you describe it though, I would let her moisten them before her mouth is committed as open.
On the other hand, sometimes odd closeups are memorable, too. For example, I used to love the True Blood show on HBO... and in one scene, Vampire Bill was giving his first vampire hickey to his love-interest Sookie. The camera did a close up on the bite and his tongue was waggling all crazy over a quick bite wound. Looked weird, but as a closing shot, it had a memorable effect, too.
Comment from Writer8264
Great story! This is my first time reading it and it is very intense and detailed. The character names are a little confusing to follow but I still understand the story. And thank you for the explanation at the end. It really helped! It also helps me know and learn as a new writer that there are endless forms of writing that I can still learn. Thank you and great job!!
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Great story! This is my first time reading it and it is very intense and detailed. The character names are a little confusing to follow but I still understand the story. And thank you for the explanation at the end. It really helped! It also helps me know and learn as a new writer that there are endless forms of writing that I can still learn. Thank you and great job!!
Comment Written 26-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Thank you, my friend, for your kindness. I'm thrilled you feel you can learn from my writing.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
Love the softness of the first part of the post. Sets the mood.
"Yes, now I can papper it from your mind. - not sure what 'papper' is?
Our fingertips touched, interlocked briefly, and then released as I leaned in. The warm flesh of her inner arms sent shocks of pleasure through me as I slipped between them; I felt their brief shudder before she snugged me into her, and they locked behind my back. Her face found its notch between my chest and shoulder, and - the tenderness here is lovely.
her breath's intermittent blasts, - then this kind of pulled me out of the moment. The word 'blasts' sounds harsh in comparison to what you are describing. Consider simply 'her intermittent breath and its spreading warmth, tantalized me. ??
"Now, Pondria," she said, looking for all intents like she would smile along with me, "if you will unfasten the back of my gown ...."
Good post, Jay. Again you leave us hanging. ;) Tease!!!
Well done.
Av
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Love the softness of the first part of the post. Sets the mood.
"Yes, now I can papper it from your mind. - not sure what 'papper' is?
Our fingertips touched, interlocked briefly, and then released as I leaned in. The warm flesh of her inner arms sent shocks of pleasure through me as I slipped between them; I felt their brief shudder before she snugged me into her, and they locked behind my back. Her face found its notch between my chest and shoulder, and - the tenderness here is lovely.
her breath's intermittent blasts, - then this kind of pulled me out of the moment. The word 'blasts' sounds harsh in comparison to what you are describing. Consider simply 'her intermittent breath and its spreading warmth, tantalized me. ??
"Now, Pondria," she said, looking for all intents like she would smile along with me, "if you will unfasten the back of my gown ...."
Good post, Jay. Again you leave us hanging. ;) Tease!!!
Well done.
Av
Comment Written 26-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Absolutely right about the "blasts" and it has been corrected. You give my writing class! LOL, thanks, Av.
Comment from boxergirl
Hey Jay,
You are still captivating our attention with this slow developing scene between Axtilla and Pondria/Doctrex and we like it! That's all I am going to say about that. :-)
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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Hey Jay,
You are still captivating our attention with this slow developing scene between Axtilla and Pondria/Doctrex and we like it! That's all I am going to say about that. :-)
Comment Written 26-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 27-Apr-2016
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I'm glad you're in no hurry to have it unfold. Thanks for backing up your kind words with the six stars.
Comment from Gloria ....
As always dear Jay, you overwhelm me with wonder at how you are able to write with such detail I can feel the nails invading my sensitive hairs too. Ha.
Your descriptions are so vivid, like the chignon fastened with a jeweled comb. I want one of those.
Beautiful job as always. The characters and settings presented to perfection.
Exceptional all the way.
Gloria
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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As always dear Jay, you overwhelm me with wonder at how you are able to write with such detail I can feel the nails invading my sensitive hairs too. Ha.
Your descriptions are so vivid, like the chignon fastened with a jeweled comb. I want one of those.
Beautiful job as always. The characters and settings presented to perfection.
Exceptional all the way.
Gloria
Comment Written 26-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2016
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You keep your nails out of your sensitive hair, Gloria! LOL, thanks for reading this and for your great (as usual) comments. I apologize for waiting so long to address them. You are so Cooooool.
Comment from Mabaker
Another enjoyable chapter Jay, and yes I can see what you mean by paragraph spacing and how it sets the story off rather than having it all jammed up together. Regards Anne.
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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Another enjoyable chapter Jay, and yes I can see what you mean by paragraph spacing and how it sets the story off rather than having it all jammed up together. Regards Anne.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2016
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Thanks for reading and for the kind comments. I'm glad you enjoyed it, Anne.