THE TRINING Book Three
Viewing comments for Chapter 30 "The All-Nighter"JOURNEY INTO REDEMPTION
43 total reviews
Comment from dragonpoet
This is the first chapter I've read. It seems like they are breaking the wedding rules and seeing each other before the wedding. Well more than seeing each other.
I am not sure who Pondria is talking to in the snipet from the previous chapter. Also, the name of the man in this chapter is never mentioned.
Keep writing.
dragonpoet
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2016
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This is the first chapter I've read. It seems like they are breaking the wedding rules and seeing each other before the wedding. Well more than seeing each other.
I am not sure who Pondria is talking to in the snipet from the previous chapter. Also, the name of the man in this chapter is never mentioned.
Keep writing.
dragonpoet
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 10-Jun-2016
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Axtilla was set to marry Glnot Rhuether. Pondria is her true love. Thanks for reading.
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You're welcome. Thank for the clarification needed when one jumps into the middle of a story.
dp
Comment from Spitfire
OOh, OOh. Bet I know what happens next. LOL. Your detailed description full of sensory appeal made me feel right there. Now I am trying to see if the hairs at the back of my neck are sensitive!
My heart galloped into my palm and fingers. - You always move away from clichés to something new.
All that soothing treatment in preparation for the wedding. Yet sleep in the real luxury. The irony.
Excellent build-up to the climax. Pun intended.
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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OOh, OOh. Bet I know what happens next. LOL. Your detailed description full of sensory appeal made me feel right there. Now I am trying to see if the hairs at the back of my neck are sensitive!
My heart galloped into my palm and fingers. - You always move away from clichés to something new.
All that soothing treatment in preparation for the wedding. Yet sleep in the real luxury. The irony.
Excellent build-up to the climax. Pun intended.
Comment Written 13-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Pun intended, indeed! Thanks, Shari, for the kind words and rating. Some surprises before the scene ends, but I think what you think will happen will happen or I'd have hundreds of loyal followers ready to ambush me. Okay, maybe fifty.
Comment from NicciFaye
Jay Axtilla arrival has be on edge! This was a GREAT read. Excellent descriptions and build-up of her coming. You have created such an amazing space for this to happen. Now to wait and see what the outcome will be is like sitting on pins and needles!
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Jay Axtilla arrival has be on edge! This was a GREAT read. Excellent descriptions and build-up of her coming. You have created such an amazing space for this to happen. Now to wait and see what the outcome will be is like sitting on pins and needles!
Comment Written 13-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Ah, thank you NicciFaye, for stopping by and leaving your review. I can't put my post to bed without NIcciFaye's visit. LOL, I do appreciate you, though.
Comment from Ulla
Wow, Jay, this is a truly a powerful write. You show the anticipation of the arrival of Axtilla beautifully, and the scene when she finally does so is tantalising. The whole atmosphere is dizzy with her presence. I loved it. All the best. Ulla:)
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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Wow, Jay, this is a truly a powerful write. You show the anticipation of the arrival of Axtilla beautifully, and the scene when she finally does so is tantalising. The whole atmosphere is dizzy with her presence. I loved it. All the best. Ulla:)
Comment Written 13-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2016
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I'm glad you enjoyed this, Ulla. Yes, there were several chapters of suspense leading up to this. Now it is actually upon us. We'll see how they fare. The six is a lovely and wonderful surprise. Thank you.
Comment from --Turtle.
Hey, Jay, I read through this chapter. A slower chapter of room descriptions in the coming anticipation, preperation of Axtilla's arrival. Mixed feelings, as I was eager to get past the preparation and see the long awaited reunion. But the extra descriptions does well to slow down the anticipation and force upon some tension in waiting.
for the second time today, I tested* the bolt lock Rhuether's locksmith had installed, this afternoon. Though crude, it seemed sturdy enough. I tested* the back-plate by slipping my finger in the
(only a very subtle sense that I am repeating information with the double tested, like there might be an opportunity to streamline the image)
A crystal pitcher, filled with juice, sat next to the refreshed fruit bowl on the table (I was thinking.... I could play a drinking game with how many times that fruitbowl and pitcher on the table is mentioned... at least once a chapter for many chapters. Part of the fishbowl syndrome from being locked in a room, we keep passing the same decoration) alongside two decorative into my palm and
fingers. I grinned and glanced about the room.
(Good active emotion image here)
Two men had brought it in last night, and before I had a chance to hang my clothing in it, a youngster (had?) entered, identifying
(I wasn't sure if the clothing was being taken with 15 minutes to Axtilla, or if it had happened the night before until later, that's why I thought one more 'had' to secure the backflash)
He placed my shoes, polished to a high gloss, on the closet floor[,]? with several pairs of folded socks alongside. (suggest delete comma)
{Waiting for me} at the table when I padded out of the utility room after my mid-morning bath, sat Rhuether's barber, prepared to give me my final haircut and shave before the wedding.
(This is a bit herky-jerky to read, I paused when I got to sat, but couldn't pinpoint why)
(--)(their leader conspicuously absent),(--) and made straight for the bed. (emdash instead of parenthisis?)
Characteristically, neither spoke a word, and [the]? one, laden with
(I don't know, but I wanted to delete the 'the' here)
an armful of linen, left the room[,]? to return a few minutes later
(suggest delete comma)
efficiency of an engineer[,]? and then tucked it in, folding down six
(suggest consider deleting comma)
curtain of pretention(pretension)? erected between us.
(maybe this was fixed?)
where it was knotted in front.
(A nice description, grounded, easy to see. Very girly with the soft pinks and I like the attention to her cleavage with jewelry)
She looked lovely[,]? standing in the doorway, though her amber
(suggesting maybe deleting this comma)
"Yes, my Empress," they said in unison, doing an about-face[,] and taking a long step into the hallway.
(strongly suggesting deleting this comma)
Latching it, her head inclined slightly to the door jamb. (Did she latch it with her head? I want to say this is a dangling modifier, but it might just be paraphrased. Once she latched it, her head...?) She paused, as though undecided, then grasped the deadbolt[,]? and
The expression she'd reserved for the guards melted away[,] and yielded to a mischievous smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes,
(delete that comma)
I grinned my puzzlement as she stepped to the side of the chair I'd reserved for her, and (she) began her slow movement behind me(,) trailing her fingertips across my left shoulder, [and] arousing an involuntary shudder as {they}(her nails?) invaded the sensitive hairs at the base of my neck, crossing then to my right shoulder, where she slowed to give it a tantalizing squeeze.
(might want to check this sentence a little, but I like the physical contact, he is clearly smitten. : )
At that point, I reached my hand across my chest to place it on the back of her hand, but it was too late as she slipped [now] into my field of vision to my right and moved across in front of me, behind her chair.
me toward the bed.
(I have been/ and am anticipating this exchange, Doctrex and his Axtilla. Looking forward to the continuation to see where it this leads.)
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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Hey, Jay, I read through this chapter. A slower chapter of room descriptions in the coming anticipation, preperation of Axtilla's arrival. Mixed feelings, as I was eager to get past the preparation and see the long awaited reunion. But the extra descriptions does well to slow down the anticipation and force upon some tension in waiting.
for the second time today, I tested* the bolt lock Rhuether's locksmith had installed, this afternoon. Though crude, it seemed sturdy enough. I tested* the back-plate by slipping my finger in the
(only a very subtle sense that I am repeating information with the double tested, like there might be an opportunity to streamline the image)
A crystal pitcher, filled with juice, sat next to the refreshed fruit bowl on the table (I was thinking.... I could play a drinking game with how many times that fruitbowl and pitcher on the table is mentioned... at least once a chapter for many chapters. Part of the fishbowl syndrome from being locked in a room, we keep passing the same decoration) alongside two decorative into my palm and
fingers. I grinned and glanced about the room.
(Good active emotion image here)
Two men had brought it in last night, and before I had a chance to hang my clothing in it, a youngster (had?) entered, identifying
(I wasn't sure if the clothing was being taken with 15 minutes to Axtilla, or if it had happened the night before until later, that's why I thought one more 'had' to secure the backflash)
He placed my shoes, polished to a high gloss, on the closet floor[,]? with several pairs of folded socks alongside. (suggest delete comma)
{Waiting for me} at the table when I padded out of the utility room after my mid-morning bath, sat Rhuether's barber, prepared to give me my final haircut and shave before the wedding.
(This is a bit herky-jerky to read, I paused when I got to sat, but couldn't pinpoint why)
(--)(their leader conspicuously absent),(--) and made straight for the bed. (emdash instead of parenthisis?)
Characteristically, neither spoke a word, and [the]? one, laden with
(I don't know, but I wanted to delete the 'the' here)
an armful of linen, left the room[,]? to return a few minutes later
(suggest delete comma)
efficiency of an engineer[,]? and then tucked it in, folding down six
(suggest consider deleting comma)
curtain of pretention(pretension)? erected between us.
(maybe this was fixed?)
where it was knotted in front.
(A nice description, grounded, easy to see. Very girly with the soft pinks and I like the attention to her cleavage with jewelry)
She looked lovely[,]? standing in the doorway, though her amber
(suggesting maybe deleting this comma)
"Yes, my Empress," they said in unison, doing an about-face[,] and taking a long step into the hallway.
(strongly suggesting deleting this comma)
Latching it, her head inclined slightly to the door jamb. (Did she latch it with her head? I want to say this is a dangling modifier, but it might just be paraphrased. Once she latched it, her head...?) She paused, as though undecided, then grasped the deadbolt[,]? and
The expression she'd reserved for the guards melted away[,] and yielded to a mischievous smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes,
(delete that comma)
I grinned my puzzlement as she stepped to the side of the chair I'd reserved for her, and (she) began her slow movement behind me(,) trailing her fingertips across my left shoulder, [and] arousing an involuntary shudder as {they}(her nails?) invaded the sensitive hairs at the base of my neck, crossing then to my right shoulder, where she slowed to give it a tantalizing squeeze.
(might want to check this sentence a little, but I like the physical contact, he is clearly smitten. : )
At that point, I reached my hand across my chest to place it on the back of her hand, but it was too late as she slipped [now] into my field of vision to my right and moved across in front of me, behind her chair.
me toward the bed.
(I have been/ and am anticipating this exchange, Doctrex and his Axtilla. Looking forward to the continuation to see where it this leads.)
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2016
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Turtle, you have gone out of your way to give me the help I needed with this chapter. Thank You.
(only a very subtle sense that I am repeating information with the double tested, like there might be an opportunity to streamline the image) [I tweaked it, Turtle. Reads cleaner now, thanks.
I could play a drinking game with how many times that fruitbowl and pitcher on the table is mentioned [Okay, okay! LOL, it?s on my list now to eliminate such mention when I do the edit.
Two men had brought it in last night, and before I had a chance to hang my clothing in it, a youngster (had?) entered, identifying [I couldn?t add another ?had? without loading up the sentence with them. I think since he promised the clothes would be brought back the next morning will carry the meaning.
{Waiting for me} at the table [I?ll have to take another look at it. It bothered me, too.]
The hexagonal nails he drove into each corner of the back-plate did their job. [they are now ?had driven?]
curtain of pretention(pretension)? erected between us.
(maybe this was fixed?) [Either one is correct.]
Just about any comma suggestion I adopt.
Comment from Rookette
Wow! You are an amazing writer, truly articulate. You give the perfect amount of description. Enough for the reader to picture it but not so much they're drawn from the story. Beautiful job! I look forward to reading more! xoLeslie
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Wow! You are an amazing writer, truly articulate. You give the perfect amount of description. Enough for the reader to picture it but not so much they're drawn from the story. Beautiful job! I look forward to reading more! xoLeslie
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Thank you so much, Leslie. I'm so happy you enjoyed this, and doubly glad to have you aboard for the remaining chapters.
Comment from robyn corum
Sorry, Jay. You're doing a wonderful job -- a magnificent job, actually -- but I'm scared to death for Pondria! Axtilla BETTER NOT break his heart or be plotting against him - though I know she wouldn't. Would she? Or not? Oh -- arrrrghhh! Hurry up!
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Sorry, Jay. You're doing a wonderful job -- a magnificent job, actually -- but I'm scared to death for Pondria! Axtilla BETTER NOT break his heart or be plotting against him - though I know she wouldn't. Would she? Or not? Oh -- arrrrghhh! Hurry up!
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Hey, Robyn. Rest assured. Axtilla well might love Pondria. And she certainly might not have an ulterior motive. But then ...
Thanks for reading. Suspense is good, no?
Comment from flylikeaneagle
Jay: all the details with your clean shave, nails and cologne. You see the love of your life - flecks of gold dancing in her amber eyes. She touches you and ...
you aren't married yet... What great descriptions you add. Jay, you are an artist with words. You add in hexagonal nails, grinned and glanced, anticipated an afternoon nap. Busy place with all the servants. I'll be back. Did I say I'm impressed? OK, I'm impressed with your writing. You have a lot of people reading your stories. I'll be back. (Did you noticed I changed the line to root beer in my poem?)
Great story, Jay. flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Jay: all the details with your clean shave, nails and cologne. You see the love of your life - flecks of gold dancing in her amber eyes. She touches you and ...
you aren't married yet... What great descriptions you add. Jay, you are an artist with words. You add in hexagonal nails, grinned and glanced, anticipated an afternoon nap. Busy place with all the servants. I'll be back. Did I say I'm impressed? OK, I'm impressed with your writing. You have a lot of people reading your stories. I'll be back. (Did you noticed I changed the line to root beer in my poem?)
Great story, Jay. flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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I did notice, Nancy. Nothing wrong with a can of beer on a hot day. But not if you're a kid. Right? Hey thanks for your compliments. I'm glad you're impressed.
Comment from chasennov
The Night He'd Been Waiting For. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. The All-Nighter.' So, no sleep at all, huh? Another intriguing chapter you have created here, Jay. I found this line most interesting because it has never been used im my search for cliches.
letting it parachute down to the surface of the bed;
Very well done.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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The Night He'd Been Waiting For. A chapter in the book THE TRINING Book Three. The All-Nighter.' So, no sleep at all, huh? Another intriguing chapter you have created here, Jay. I found this line most interesting because it has never been used im my search for cliches.
letting it parachute down to the surface of the bed;
Very well done.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Yeah, I kinda liked the parachute image. I was afraid it might be too far afield, but no complaints so far. Thanks for your support.
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Well done, Jay.
Comment from Mary Wakeford
An excellent read, with just enough description but not overdoing it so that the reader's own imagination is stifled. You have made the characters interesting and with an appeal for longevity in reading. I look forward to following chapters.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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An excellent read, with just enough description but not overdoing it so that the reader's own imagination is stifled. You have made the characters interesting and with an appeal for longevity in reading. I look forward to following chapters.
Comment Written 11-Apr-2016
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2016
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Oh, Mary, I'm thrilled you liked this enough to want to return to it. That means a lot to me. And the six! Wow!